I sleep in my bed all alone.
I wait for his call on the phone.
His wife's gone to work;
Now Charlie, my jerk,
Is willing to throw me a bone.
--- Marty

He won't leave her ass till she's dead,
But no need to be lonely in bed.
If you like lonely hearts,
And don't mind a few farts,
You ought to try me instead!
--- MrMalo

Ms Oberlin vowed, for a buck,
To have me, but gosh-darn my luck;
Today is the day
Her husband's away,
And it's too fuckin' hot for a fuck.

It's hotter'n Hell, if you please;
Any effort at all makes me wheeze.
When I thought she was wet,
It was nothing but sweat;
My balls have drooped down to my knees.

I tell you, it's rough to get laid
At 104 in the shade;
Makes me long for vermouth,
And the lays of my youth,
On the moss in a cool forest glade.

A lecherous man named Anheuser,
Whose climax could vie with a geyser,
Impregnated twelve dames
With his amorous aims,
And his wife was not any the wiser.
--- Alex Heydon P0407

There was a young fellow name Pate
Who worked at the office quite late.
Then his wife did find out
What his work was about,
And the rest is too sad to relate.
--- Albin Chaplin

A woman in Lima, Peru,
Told her husband she's too tired to screw.
She's been selling her twat
For ten pesos a shot.
The poor bastard just hasn't a clue.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0504

Many men can still be had;
Ask him to visit your pad.
Love you will feel;
A heart you can steal,
But his wife just might get mad.
--- Les Stewart

There was an old tart name of Quinn,
Who had an adulterous sin
With Executive Plunkett,
Who really did flunk it.
He forgot his braille mail in the bin!
--- CM

Adultery isn't a sin,
But if you fuck Kimberly Quinn,
While Home Secretary,
You'd better be wary,
You might have to pack the job in.
--- Neaco

A is for affable Annie,
Who is younger, they say, than her granny.
Now, that I can't tell,
As I don't know her well,
But, anyhow, A is for Annie.
--- Carolyn Wells P8208

I did this thing once before,
And from further effort foreswore.
Yet I must enjoy pain
'Cause I do it again;
An Alphabet for you, once more.
--- C Anton

A for the Agony I face;
B for the booze I embrace;
C for Cold ice;
D, loaded Dice;
E might my vices Erase?
--- C Anton

F is for Fathoms and Feet;
G Grenadine, Griddle, Greet;
H Helicopters,
I is in dIopters;
And I am a Jerk when I cheat!
--- C Anton

K sound effects ( like KER-SPLASH );
L lets Cap'n Bligh use his lash.
M is for Meter;
N couldn't be Neater;
O, the great poet, Ogden Nash!
--- C Anton

P is when we are Polite;
Q, Quarrelsome or Quite.
Rorshach's a test;
S is in bleSsed;
T lets me Type This Tonight.
--- C Anton

U for Umbrellas in rain;
V for Vampires and Vein;
W When they Wean ya';
X is for Xenia;
Y is for Yelping in pain.
--- C Anton

Z -- Zoophobia (a fear)
And to the Prophet Zephania, give ear!
Zicchettos are caps;
Electricity Zaps;
And Zebras may bite when they're near.
--- C Anton

And now all my wits are waning,
Thoughts gone, energy draining.
'Twas truly a mistake
This Alphabet to make,
And I've no one but me to be blaming.
--- C Anton

A is for architecture;
A beautiful art, I am sure,
But when buildings seem
All custard and cream,
The effect is inclined to be Poor!"
--- William O Stevens

B is for Ball; what delight
To scuffle around half the night!
But, whatever you wear,
All the ladies up there
In the gallery call you a fright."
--- William O Stevens

C stands for Candidate Cute;
He's a Sight in his last winter's suit.
But he says, with a grin,
"Just you wait till I'm in,
And then they will think I'm a beaut!"
--- William O Stevens

C is the candidate coy,
A sweet, bashful, beautiful boy;
Through Buck or through Bobbie
He gets the soft job he
Expects all his life to enjoy.
--- William O Stevens

D is the D.A.R., who
Finds among us a great deal to do;
By digging up bones,
Rotten wood, and grave stones,
She amuses herself -- and us too!
--- William O Stevens

E stands for Enterprise; here
Is the way that Main Street does appear.
The fact that for hustle,
Big business and bustle,
We're famous is Perfectly Clear."
--- William O Stevens

E is for Enterprise; why,
Some say of that stuff we are shy!
But if you have hope,
(And a strong microscope)
A trace of it you may descry.
--- William O Stevens

D is the Dowager's Daughter,
Quite shop worn, for no one has sought her;
So Mamma brings her here
To capture a dear
Little Middy. "I don't think she oughter!"
--- William O Stevens

G is our Governor; he
Is the Pattern of true Chivalry.
If ladies could vote,
His fame to promote,
Our President soon he would be!
--- William O Stevens

H is for Hotels at Hop-time,
Where debutantes have a tip-top time;
What Papa has to pay,
It is not fair to say
"'Tis the managers' one golden crop-time."
--- William O Stevens

L is the Leg-is-la-tor,
A Statesman a la Eastern Shore;
His regular pay
Is a fiver a day,
But he's frequently known to make more!
--- William O Stevens

M is Maternal devotion;
A pretty, poetical notion.
But he who marks low,
My Boy," ought to go
Save trouble- and jump in the Ocean!
--- William O Stevens

N stands for Naval Career;
It's Lovely, but isn't this Queer?
Though the calling must be
To follow the sea,
When the orders arrive, its "Oh Dear!"
--- William O Stevens

This is file lcm

O is for Odenton Station,
A horror of blank desolation;
Ere the end of your wait,
For the train (always late),
You collapse just from sheer desperation.
--- William O Stevens

Q is the Question; although
'Tis sudden, it comes a propos.
In fact, you would be
Astonished to see,
How Seldom a Middy gets "No!"
--- William O Stevens

S is for So-ci-etee,
A life that makes ladies Hap-pee;
But if someone obtuse
Should ask "What's the use?"
The only reply is "Search Me!"
--- William O Stevens

S is St Johns; (by repute
'Twas founded by old King Canute).
It seems to be partial
To means that are martial,
Of teaching ideas how to shoot.
--- William O Stevens

X is for eXamination,
A time of intense tribulation;
At the sight of the paper,
The mind cuts a caper,
With facts all in conglomeration.
--- Williams O Stevens

B is for bad little Bridget
Who is morn, noon, and night in a fidget.
Her dresses she tears,
And she tumbles down stairs,
And her mother's 'most worn to a midget.
--- Alpha of Child 1884 P9608

C is for curious Charlie
Who lives on rice, oatmeal, and barley.
He once wrote a sonnet
On his mothers best bonnet,
And he lets his hair grow long and snarley.
--- Alpha of Child 1884 P9608

A is for Apple, they say,
And B is for Bird, by the way.
C is for candy,
And D is just Dandy,
And E lets me lim every day.
--- Chris Anton

F is for Felines which purr;
G is for Grunt, Groan, and Grrrrr.
H is quite hairy,
J is a Jab with a spur.
--- Chris Anton

K? Keratosis! (A wart),
L lets us litigate a tort.
M is the Missus,
N is Narcissus,
O the archaic word "Ort."
--- Chris Anton

P is Paprika, a spice;
Q is just really quite nice!
R is a Rat;
S, where I sat;
T lets me Think once or Twice.
--- Chris Anton

Umlaut is a good word for U,
V is a beautiful View.
W is Wing,
Xerxes a king,
Y, the Chinese River Yalu.
--- Chris Anton

Z..not what can it be...
Zoonosis? Zarf? Zuider Zee?
Zombies I fear...
Zymurgy gives beer!
One last try...Zootomy!
--- Chris Anton

Now that's my alphabet's complete,
I can kick back and prop up my feet.
My brain took a bruisin',
Dictionary cruisin';
This is one task I will not repeat.
--- Chris Anton

My flabber's so ghast I can't speak.
Your alphabet's truly unique.
That really was clever,
But I'll bet you'll never
Be able to do it in Greek.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Alpha's the first in the line.
Then beta and gamma, that's fine.
Then delta, I suppose,
But what's after those?
Don't know; need more knowledge than mine.
--- Tiddy Ogg

E is the egotist dread,
Who as someone has wittily said,
Will talk till he's blue
About himself when you
Want to talk about yourself instead.
--- Oliver Herford

F was a fussy flamingo,
Who remarked to his family, "By jingo!
I think I would go
To that animal show,
But they all talk such barbarous lingo."
--- Oliver Herford

I hope that this alphabet Greek
Serves you well as device mnemnonic;
I'm sorry I cahn't
Use a suitable font,
For the symbols you're learning to speak.
--- Dr Limerick 06-11-01

ALPHA's a helium atom;
BETA, portfolio datum.
Disease we're annulling
With GAMMA globulin;
DELTA blues come from south of Rouge Baton.
--- Dr Limerick 06-11-01

A number impossibly small,
By math types is EPSILON called;
ZETA pads the fine bones
Of Catherine Jones.
ETA's missed when your takeoff is stalled.
--- Dr Limerick 06-11-01

Ecological banners have THETA,
But the pols no IOTA will cater;
It seems KAPPA's sole claim
To alphabet fame
Is in scores of fraternity letters.
--- Dr Limerick 06-11-01

LAMBDA's in court for the gays;
MU's the average that's sought by surveys.
NU, to say least,
Is not wildebeest;
Don't use XI to describe how she sways.
--- Dr Limerick 06-11-01

Omicron's like our short "o",
For circles, PI's the ratio
Of the long hike around
To straight walk on the ground,
Or if it's a pond, a straight RHO.
--- Dr Limerick 06-11-01

Deviation and sum are both SIGMA;
TAU, UPSILON both bear the stigma
Of bein eschewed
In coinages new
For reasons remaining enigma.
--- Dr Limerick 06-11-01

PHI has many meanings in science;
CHI-RHO's him on whom we place reliance;
PSI for psychology;
Omega precisely
Shows resistance in electric appliances.
--- Dr Limerick 06-11-01

H is for horrid young Hannah
Who has the most shocking bad manner.
Once she went out to dine
With a party of nine.
And she ate every single banana.
--- Alpha of Child 1884 P9608

I is for ignorant Ida
Who doesn't know rhubarb from cider.
Once she drank up a quart
Which was more than she ought,
And it gave her queer feelings inside her.
--- Alpha of Child 1884 P9608

J is for jovial Jack
Who goes to the balls in a hack.
He thinks he can dance
And he'll caper and prance
Till his joints are half ready to crack.
--- Alpha of Child 1884 P9608

L is for lovable Lena,
Who met a ferocious hyena;
Whatever occurred
I never have heard;
But anyhow, L is for Lena.
--- Oliver Herford

L was a lachrymose leopard,
Who ate up twelve sheep and a shepherd;
But the real reason why
He continued to cry,
Was his food was so lavishly peppered.
--- Carolyn Wells

A Israeli boy, living so squalid
That his face became awfully pallid,
Knew that to avoid unemployent
And for his own enjoyment,
He should learn his Alefs, Bets, Gimels, and Daleds.
--- Shmendryck

Now 0 is null, nothing, void.
0 temp is not greatly enjoyed.
We can all 0 in on
A number to win on.
For attacks, 0 hour is employed.
--- Derry Down Derry P8912