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A good friend by the name of Jim As Anne Marie hits the big SIX-O Jim's capacity for gin with lime At this party you'll greet friends and kin, There's a lady who turns mumble three By the way, Happy Birthday, dear John, Happy Birthday, tomorrow, to me! I don't think you're quite 83, Happy birthday to you, indeed, Sorry to mislead you all; So filthy was Herbert P. Yew, He's passed the half century mark; To sing HAPPY BIRTHDAY is fun, Let's sing HAPPY BIRTHDAY PLUS ONE. I know that this card is quite late, Next week, I'm expecting to dine So life's cycle turns one more page; You're getting much fatter, dear John, I hear you two clear and loud, Well Dirruk, I'll offer this, son, To you, John, I'll offer best wishes; If cryogenics cost no fee, It's John sixty-ninth birthday, poor soul; Happy Birthday! I hope you won't sneer at it I'm thinking of you on this day, You've conquered the aging disease Dad, I'm sure it will give you a lift This year I have something to boast: Best wishes; you're now thirty four; She said, "Tid, were you being vicious? Those roses I brought as a treat, Well Tiddy, in answer to you, He said "I'm collecting for two." On Halloween night, I'm the reaper; I'm sorry; I know it's my fault. Halloween is one hell of a chore, An ominous Halloween night, The covers are off all my drains, And if the sods still won't vamoose, Now you all may think me a prick, This crisp air makes my heart flip-flop The French I have heard are all huffy, It's the one time of the year An old zombie who lived in a shoe, I heard this and it made me shake; We'd Halloween treats from store shelves I scooped out the flesh of a pumpkin; A shape-shifting shadow surprise Jack o' Lantern's evil leer, My black cat familiar and I Beware of the shadowy moon; The night that the witches take flight, Here we sit on All Hallow's Eve; So we hand over the candy (Who's hoping Mommy stays randy.)
Although we intend just to "treat" them, The ghostly green ghoul that's alight, The cackling witch off on her broom, After great deal of soothing is said, The ghosts and the goblins will soon Our physical attributes might Nothing can beat Halloween There once was a pumpkin that died, My son came to me and he said: There once was a fellow named Wright To me, it's a bit statuesque, Not last night, but the night before,
Turned sixty with plenty of vim.
Though he may sleep late
His stamina's great,
And doesn't need to head for the gym.
--- Dick Hull
Come to our home and go with the flow;
Wear green if you can
For this Ireland fan,
It'll flush her cheeks with a healthy glow.
--- Dick Hull
And ability to dance on a dime,
Mean he and his wife
Are still full of life,
And it's not yet Viagra time!
--- Dick Hull
You'll get to watch some shamrocks spin.
And you'll surely see
Our Anne Marie,
Turn sixty with an Irish grin.
--- Dick Hull
(She's many years younger than me)
And she is no klutz,
Though she signs herself "Nutz".
Heres hoping her birthday's happy!
--- Anon
And blow out all those candles, my son,
For you don't look a day
Older than my sweet Kay;
She was born just before World War I.
--- HMMWV
I hope that you all will feel free
To send cash or check
(Paypal, what the heck!)
'Cause I look and I feel, 83!
--- John Miller
But maybe you're older than me.
When old Adolph died
With his todger inside
Eva Braun, my first light did I see.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Eighty-three of your dad's wasted seed,
Comes to a head
In a limerical bed;
Been better his member he'd knead.
--- Req
I'm not really that old, at all.
Though I look 83,
I can still hold my pee,
And my peter can still stand up tall.
--- John Miller
Both water and soap he'd eschew.
Except once a year
He'd bathe so he'd hear
Folks sing, "Happy Bathday to You."
--- Irving Superior P9206
With his wit, he's full of life's spark.
We've gather to say
Have a Happy Birthday,
Then we'll leave, but not till it's dark.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
But soon HAPPY BIRTHDAY is done.
Next day, what to do?
Replace the TO YOU,
And sing HAPPY BIRTHDAY PLUS ONE.
--- Irving Superior P8612
And next day, PLUS TWO (ain't this fun!)
Three hundred six four.
By Gosh, one day more
And then HAPPY BIRTHDAY PLUS NONE.
--- Irving Superior P8612
I know I had not marked the date,
I lost your address
And could not care less,
For you're among those whom I hate.
--- Bob Birch P0508
On cake, and that suits me just fine.
It will give me great joy
To be a "Birthday Boy",
'Cause then I'll attain "69"!
--- John Miller
I trust that you've become more sage.
I'm not far behind
And now think it kind
Of smart if I lied 'bout my age.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And now all your best years are gone.
How much more can we take?
Just cut the stupid cake!
'Cause it's all down-hill from here on.
--- David Miller
And I would like to join, if allowed.
We're the bosses indeed,
And ruling the street.
There three so we now form a crowd.
--- Dirruk
Ol' Tid and John can't be outdone.
So please allow me
To say that you three
Are a pair if there ever was one!
--- Observer
I hope that your cake is delicious.
Stay cool and serene
But change normal routine
And let somebody else do the dishes.
--- Observer
John could live life for eternity.
They'd cut off his head
Before he was dead,
And could live next to Walt Disney.
--- David Miller
I thought cleaning out my toilet bowl.
And for his children's sake,
Hope a file's in the cake,
If they won't let him out on parole.
--- David Miller
And complain of your looks. I won't hear of it!
Let me say (though the thrill's gone)
That you look like a million,
And I certainly mean every year of it.
--- Don Moore P0508
And sending this card on its way.
You're now at that age
You're considered a sage,
But that's all that I'm going to say.
--- Bob Birch P0508
That brings lesser men to their knees.
You're a vigorous man
And you've proved you still can
Blow you candles with only one wheeze.
--- Virge
That I've shown such commendable thrift
In choosing a way
To remember your day
With this heart-warming message (no gift).
--- Virge
I remembered your birthday (almost).
This card may be late
But it's close to the date.
Let's pretend it got lost in the post.
--- Virge
You're half of my age plus some more.
Hope you like the flowers;
They took me two hours
To steal them from Lizzie, next door.
--- Tiddy Ogg
The gift of the flowers, suspicious.
You caused some disquiet,
Since I'm on a diet;
P.S. They were simply delicious!
--- Observer
And surely they smelled very sweet;
But how could you like
The way that they spiked
Your throat, as those thorned stems you eat?
--- Tiddy Ogg
I bit off more than I could chew.
And all should take note:
The worst wasn't the throat;
But the following day in the loo.
--- Observer
On my porch you're not - catch a clue!
A costume you lack;
Have you lost the knack?
Can't say it, can't do it - Fuck you!
--- Anon
This is file fmm
I'm the silent and ominous creeper;
I'm the Angel of Death
Moving quiet as breath,
So don't give me away with my beeper!
--- Cap'n Bean P0310
My Halloween sins I should halt.
But the neighbor's kids here
Pissed me off for a year,
So I laced all their candy with salt!
--- Anon
Getting dressed in the spirit of gore;
But along with the fright,
There's a tasty delight
In the candy I find at each door!
--- Cap'n Bean P0310
When the moon is so eerily bright;
I savor it well,
For it's creepy as hell,
And infuses the children with fright.
--- Cap'n bean P0010
I've wired the bell push to the mains.
I'm sure going to beat,
Those damned trick or treat-
ers, by drowning or frying their brains.
--- Anon
It gives me the perfect excuse
To open the kennel,
For the ultimate penal-
ty, letting my rottweiler loose.
--- Anon
But I think it's quite a good trick;
And the dog gets a treat,
Something different to eat;
I just hope they don't make him sick.
--- Anon
And shining dark evenings are tops --
Halloween's creeping near
With fireworks in its rear,
And then crackers explode with big pops.
--- Lucy
Xenophobic and stupidly stuffy,
About Halloween.
They think it's obscene
And culturally merdey and scruffy.
--- Tutta Gioia
That I can go 'round without fear
That someone will gag
Or barf in a bag;
They just say "Great costume, my dear!"
--- Marlene Lewis
Plagued with maggots, so what did she do?
She washed them all clean,
And painted them green,
And Halloween, gave them out, shouting Boo!
--- Allen Wolverton
Of maggots I never partake.
They really are icky;
I prefer to be picky
And stick to the chocolate and cake.
--- Ticketyboo
To give out, but no trick-or-treat elves
Rang our bell -- heavy rain
Kept them home without gain.
So we'll eat all the candy ourselves.
--- Prof M-G T9711
I carved on the face of a bumpkin;
Went disguised to my folks.
They saw through my hoax.
Try as you might, you can't stump kin.
--- Prof M-G T9710
In the corner of one of your eyes;
The hoot of an owl,
Black cat on the prowl,
And me in my witchy disguise.
--- Karen
Glimmers of shadowy fear,
A shape in the dark,
The Evil one's mark,
The ghosts and the spirits are here.
--- Karen
Shall hop on my broomstick and fly
'Cross the full moon;
See us and swoon.
This may be your night to die.
--- Karen
Hark to the trill of the loon.
Their warning conveys
The strangest of days;
It'll be All Hallows Eve all too soon.
--- Azul
The dead arise to give us a fright.
So if out with your honey,
Don't think it is funny
If he disappears 'round midnight.
--- Azul
Witches, goblins, would you believe,
Come here seeking treats,
Else mischievous feats
Are threatened without a reprieve.
--- Daniel Ford
To little ghouls and one dandy,
A gangster baddy
(Little's ones' daddy)
Flashlight and walking stick handy.
--- Daniel Ford
And with bags of candy would greet them,
The kids on the block,
Can't overcome shock,
Of having two Dobermans meet them.
--- Chris Papa
Will hardly stir feelings of fright,
But Dobes on a "sit,"
Do scare them a bit,
They think they are going to bite.
--- Chris Papa
Won't give 'em a portent of doom;
Their terror defines,
In well bred canines,
Who welcome them into the room.
--- Chris Papa
They'll give furtive touch on dog's head,
And since they're so brave,
The "tricks" part we'll waive,
And give them their just "treats", instead.
--- Chris Papa
Be rompin' 'round 'neath a dark moon.
But I'll give no sweets
Nor other nice treats;
I'll be at the local saloon.
--- Observer
Give some other people a fright.
But it is not fair
For them to just stare;
After all, it's Halloween Night!
--- Marlene Lewis
For over indulgence obscene.
For children, it's candy;
For their elders, it's brandy;
For vandals, the night of their dreams.
--- Dr Limerick
For a candle had burnt off his hide.
His insides were taken,
His face was misshapen,
And now he is displayed outside.
--- Darleen Kelly
"Dad, make me a big pumpkin head."
So I thought, what the heck;
Put an axe 'cross his neck,
And fitted a squash there instead.
--- Anon
Who died on a Halloween night,
At the home of the Thorpe's,
Where they dragged out his corpse,
And they riddled the children with fright.
--- Cap'n Bean P0201
Though to some, it's a little grotesque;
If I give it a whack,
Or I tap on its back,
A skeleton swings by my desk.
--- Cap'n Bean
Three witches they came to my door.
One had a hunchback,
One wore a black sack,
And the third spewed pizza on my floor.
--- Tutta Gioia
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