There was an Old Man of Calcutta, There was a young maid from Topeka A serious young lady from Wellen, I think this should be the last word, The limerick doesn't like these: With strange food I have come to terms. Said the Hermit, "I'll purchase a pair When I went to the store to buy butter, Deviled tomatoes are great; I don't think they do. If they did, I eat nothing that's "lite" or "fat free"; I heard that old Henry from Peven- Saint Peter then showed him around, A frown on his face then did show; A finicky gourmet in Addie There was an old fellow named Skinner (Take that, you son-of-a-bitch Tupper!)
There once was a student named Murray In grocery shopping each week, Tomatoes, persimmons and yams, There was a young man called O'Toole An illiterate lass from Vancouver A TV announcer named Price Such an invitation, oh gosh! One evening while eating jugged hare, Her fine kitchen's no longer her own; On mushroom seeking hunts, We invited a sexpot named Rose, There was a young grocer named Chaste I recall with mixed feelings dear Bess; I opened the door; the fridge was bare. A thick noodle soup was sustained There are times I don't do what I should; There was an old fellow named Brynner, There's something about oregano Organic food is good to fill A fellow in old Saskatoon There was an eccentric from Lowell An Indian fellow called Noah, There was a young fellow named Ned There was a young man from the Cape In Sweden, a fellow named Smorg A circus performer named Ords Try Fred Legget's Tea of West Styx. While vanilla as flavoring's boring, A lazy young houri named Hayes, There once was a man from New York, He very pleasantly dined There was a man from New York State, Last week at the delicatessen, And then for a very good laugh, Now did you stiffen with passion? You use what you have where you are: There once was a goy bagel baker The toastmaster on my TV There once was a baker named Jake A baker by the name of Hayes To my female assistant I pleaded, They bake some strange buns in Nuneaton, A baker from down on the block, Prepare a graham cracker crust. Cream cheese, 3 packages - softened; Next add half a cup lemon juice; I twig when you speak of a quickie; I observed one fine day to Grandad: Soft John has had a big fit; So long as yer gittin' the gist But Archie and me's been around
Who perpetually ate bread and butter;
Till one day he tried Moppet,
And declared, "You can't top it!"
His conversion was total and utter.
--- Edwardian Leer 070
Who swallowed a can of paprika;
They found her remains
In the jungles and plains
Of Costa, a suburb of Rica.
--- William K Alsop P8810
Took a cookery-book up Mount St Helen.
While reading the recipes,
She fell off a precipice,
And that was the end of poor Ellen.
--- C Armstrong Gibbs
Because it is getting absurd.
You should not waste your pennies
By going to Denny's;
It's a right pile of shite, so I've heard.
--- Anon
Creamed soups, brown bread, black peas,
Fish bones, bear steaks,
Moose meat, crab cakes,
Bakes snails, steamed ants, broiled bees.
--- William K Alsop P8809
I'll eat anything if it's free of germs.
ESCULENT, you say?
Add it to my tray!
Tastes like chicken? Then it must be worms.
--- Norm
Of those ESCULENT underwear,"
As the clerk on the phone,
Emitted a moan,
"Don't wrap them, I'll just eat them there!"
--- Anon
The clerks seemed to stammer and stutter,
And go into shock.
It seems they won't stock
Food whose fall from grace is so utter.
--- John Miller
Fried in butter -- a half pound by weight --
In a sauce of egg yolk,
Which could lead to a stroke,
If modern-day cooks have it straight.
--- John Miller
Then Americans wouldn't have slid
Into such a fat state,
And I'm glad to relate,
I'll not eat as nutritionists bid.
--- John Miller
Chloresterol's nothing to me.
Of course I will die,
But so will the guy
Whose diet all comes from a tree.
--- John Miller
Sey Bay died at age 97.
His soul it did fly,
Up into the sky,
He found himself up there in heaven.
--- Anon
A wonderful restaurant he found.
He was most impressed,
For the food was the best,
And many a wine glass he downed.
--- Anon
He said "I'm a fool, that I know.
If I'd paid no heed
To the food-faddists' creed,
This I'd have enjoyed long ago."
--- Anon
Was an old gastronomical baddie:
He ordered his tutti
Without any frutti,
And his finnan without any haddie.
--- Lims Unlimited
Who drooled as he dreamed over dinner.
He was once heard to whine
That at a quarter past nine,
His pigeon would turn out the winner.
--- Neal Wilgus P8507
Who had a penchant for hot curry.
As might be expected,
His guts grew infected,
And his tongue became noticably furry.
--- Emmanuel Lamprecht
The goal I constantly seek,
Is a lower expense,
For my cost is immense,
But the chance for reduction looks bleak.
--- Cap'n Bean P0104
Antacids, molasses and hams,
Spaghetti and cleaners,
Granola and wieners,
Pimentos and bagels and jams!
--- Cap'n Bean P0104
Who, when he saw food, used to drool.
Pizza, mangoes, or tripe,
Avocado, when ripe --
Even gruel made his drool form a pool.
--- Michael Palin
When informed it was not "Horses doover,"
Could not muster her nerve
To request the hors d'oeuvre,
So had soup as a saving manoeuvre.
--- V Sinclair-Smith 107a
Ate his food highly flavoured with spice.
He hiccoughed on the air
And appeared not to care.
His boss said "That's not very nice".
--- Arthur Pattaffy Q
My panties I don't have to wash.
Just send them to Peter,
That old pumpkin eater,
So he can have his little nosh!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
I suddenly spied Lionel Blair.
He stood on one leg,
And ate a boiled egg,
Which showed quite exceptional flair.
--- Kevin Hale Q
It's off-limits--she's starved to the bone;
It began late one night
With a fresh seafood fight,
She's declared it AMANA-war zone.
--- Mark Levy P9507
Don't be a Townie Dunce;
Just take good note
Pass on this quote:
"All are edible! Some just once!"
--- Val Burns P0509
And she dropped in to dine, minus clothes.
Though her etiquette's frightful,
Her figure's delightful...
For a dessert we each gave Rose a hose...
--- Grand Prix Lim 644
Whose stock was delightfully graced
With fruits that were neat
And super-good meat
And potatoes to suit every taste.
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay
When she dined she created a mess.
She ate, in a word,
Much like a hummingbird,
With vengeance but much less finesse.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P2006
There just wasn't any food in there.
No corn, no peas,
No macaroni and cheese,
I'll have to go out, but I don't know where.
--- Anon
By the thought of the stuff he contained,
Which caused him to shout
When they sieved it all out,
"Oh, mercy! My quality's strained!"
--- Lims Unlimited
Gobbling chocolates, sex and fast food.
There are all kinds of blisses,
From martinis to kisses,
That are worth giving up being good.
--- Cyd
Who wife would swear like a mule skinner.
He said, "What you call me
Will never appall me,
But don't call me, my dear, late for dinner."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2479
This is file evm
That prevents you from singing soprano.
To hit a top C,
Take this tip from me:
Wear a truss made of rusty Meccano.
--- Kevin Hale Q
You up and it won't make you ill.
Its adverse effect
Is what you expect
In your bill, when you reach the till.
--- Tony Burrell
Never learned how to eat with a spoon.
He would fork up his soup,
And when eating the goop,
It would take him the whole afternoon.
--- Gerry Busch
Who preferrred to eat soup with a towel:
Dipped it deep in the slop,
Then sucked out every drop,
Till there wasn't one left in the bowl.
--- Anon TP9806
A ginger and tumeric grower,
Sells poppadoms, spice
And chapattis and rice
In a Delhicatessen in Goa.
--- Peter Wilkins
Who feared he might never get fed.
He was longing to dine
On some pheasant and wine,
But his girl kept him glued to the bed.
--- Isaac Asimov
Who swallowed his hat for a jape.
It was easy to tell
Why he felt so unwell,
By his stomach's extraordinary shape.
--- Michael Palin
At dinner cried out, "Smorg is bored.
Potatoes, meat peas--
Repeated--must cease!
That year won "The Gourmet Award."
--- Irving Superior P9208
For years has been swallowing swords.
When people shout, "Fake!"
No answer he'll make,
Because he has no vocal chords.
--- Irving Superior
In your stomach, 'twill surely do tricks,
And its greatest surprise
'Sthat it breeds butterflies,
And it tastes like they make it from bricks!
--- Aaron S Adel
The vanilla bean's prices are soaring.
Its orchid festoons
Tropic timber, whose boons
Are axed daily, while food snobs are snoring.
--- Carole June Hooker
Said, "I don't mind giving guys lays,
If they bring vaseline
Or plain margarine,
But I hate to use good mayonnaise!"
--- G1501
Who ate with a knife and a fork,
Some quail, very young,
Best served with some tongue,
And some tender, but well-done young pork.
--- John Miller 0309
On this very tender young find.
"So juicy!" he howled,
"Hand me a towel.
Seconds for me? I don't mind."
--- Arden
The more he drank, the more he ate.
The more he ate,
The more he shit.
Vicious cycle, isn't it.
--- G1432
She said, as we finished undressin',
That playing with food
Made her horny and lewd,
So we sloshed on the cream and got messin'.
--- PeterW
We bathed in ice cold half and half.
But oh, what a trip
When we used Reddi-Whip
On his rapidly stiffening staff.
--- Arden
Or just from the cold in the fashion
Of some folks in Sweden,
Who are so far from Eden,
Find plumbing with icicles smashin'?
--- John Miller
Guacomole's not going too far.
And you really can't match
Chili Verde en Snatch,
While Bolero is played on guitar.
--- John Miller
Who was a smart-ass WISEACRE.
He made the holes large
And tripled the charge.
Arrested, he's now a stone-breaker.
--- Chris Papa
Doesn't eat nor drink nor pee.
I put something soft in
Right under its chin,
Then there's a warmy crispy bagel for me!
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who stumbled whilst mixing a cake.
His wife cooked the lot
In the oven so hot,
And gobbled him up by mistake.
--- Loads & Loads Lims P0104
Has a hooker he frequently pays
To lay on the counter
So that he can mount her;
The result being the doughnut glaze.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
"Please help, this dough must be kneaded."
O'er her hole 'twas streched tight,
Then was pierced with delight.
My plan for the doughnut succeeded.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
With dough that's first whipped and then beaten.
They eat several tons
Of these fabulous buns,
But, south of Nuneaton's none eaten.
--- Anon
Makes doughnuts as hard as a rock.
His cream-filled eclair,
Is primarily air,
And his jelly roll tastes like a sock!
--- Donna Romito P9208
You'll preheat the oven I trust,
To three hundred fifty.
So it comes out nifty,
A spring-form pan is a must.
--- Anon
One point five cups sugar toss in,
Then three tablespoons flour.
Now use all your power,
Add 4 whole eggs, beating often.
--- Anon
Fresh is all you ever should use.
One final beatin';
One hour heatin';
Cool and add the topping you choose.
--- Anon
Know a zit is no longer a hickey.
Speak cyber-lectronics,
A bit of ebonics--
Just what in blue Hell is a "bickie?"
--- John Miller
"He's a very smart cookie, by gad!"
"God save my soul!
How so very droll....
'A biscuit, well-dressed', my young lad?"
--- Tutta Gioia
My Oz slang just gave him a zit.
A good Aussie Bickie
Is like a Yank Cookie
And it is just short for biscuit.
--- Archie
Acrossed, than you shouldn't git dis'd.
India, the U.S.,
Oz, others countless
Talk an English that gets the Brits pissed.
--- Archie
Where slang and archaics abound.
They're good if you need 'em,
And it's fun to read 'em,
And sometimes you need just-that-sound.
--- Karen