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There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter;
Till one day he tried Moppet,
And declared, "You can't top it!"
His conversion was total and utter.
--- Edwardian Leer 070

There was a young maid from Topeka
Who swallowed a can of paprika;
They found her remains
In the jungles and plains
Of Costa, a suburb of Rica.
--- William K Alsop P8810

A serious young lady from Wellen,
Took a cookery-book up Mount St Helen.
While reading the recipes,
She fell off a precipice,
And that was the end of poor Ellen.
--- C Armstrong Gibbs

I think this should be the last word,
Because it is getting absurd.
You should not waste your pennies
By going to Denny's;
It's a right pile of shite, so I've heard.
--- Anon

The limerick doesn't like these:
Creamed soups, brown bread, black peas,
Fish bones, bear steaks,
Moose meat, crab cakes,
Bakes snails, steamed ants, broiled bees.
--- William K Alsop P8809

With strange food I have come to terms.
I'll eat anything if it's free of germs.
ESCULENT, you say?
Add it to my tray!
Tastes like chicken? Then it must be worms.
--- Norm

Said the Hermit, "I'll purchase a pair
Of those ESCULENT underwear,"
As the clerk on the phone,
Emitted a moan,
"Don't wrap them, I'll just eat them there!"
--- Anon

When I went to the store to buy butter,
The clerks seemed to stammer and stutter,
And go into shock.
It seems they won't stock
Food whose fall from grace is so utter.
--- John Miller

Deviled tomatoes are great;
Fried in butter -- a half pound by weight --
In a sauce of egg yolk,
Which could lead to a stroke,
If modern-day cooks have it straight.
--- John Miller

I don't think they do. If they did,
Then Americans wouldn't have slid
Into such a fat state,
And I'm glad to relate,
I'll not eat as nutritionists bid.
--- John Miller

I eat nothing that's "lite" or "fat free";
Chloresterol's nothing to me.
Of course I will die,
But so will the guy
Whose diet all comes from a tree.
--- John Miller

I heard that old Henry from Peven-
Sey Bay died at age 97.
His soul it did fly,
Up into the sky,
He found himself up there in heaven.
--- Anon

Saint Peter then showed him around,
A wonderful restaurant he found.
He was most impressed,
For the food was the best,
And many a wine glass he downed.
--- Anon

A frown on his face then did show;
He said "I'm a fool, that I know.
If I'd paid no heed
To the food-faddists' creed,
This I'd have enjoyed long ago."
--- Anon

A finicky gourmet in Addie
Was an old gastronomical baddie:
He ordered his tutti
Without any frutti,
And his finnan without any haddie.
--- Lims Unlimited

There was an old fellow named Skinner
Who drooled as he dreamed over dinner.
He was once heard to whine
That at a quarter past nine,
His pigeon would turn out the winner.

(Take that, you son-of-a-bitch Tupper!)
--- Neal Wilgus P8507

There once was a student named Murray
Who had a penchant for hot curry.
As might be expected,
His guts grew infected,
And his tongue became noticably furry.
--- Emmanuel Lamprecht

In grocery shopping each week,
The goal I constantly seek,
Is a lower expense,
For my cost is immense,
But the chance for reduction looks bleak.
--- Cap'n Bean P0104

Tomatoes, persimmons and yams,
Antacids, molasses and hams,
Spaghetti and cleaners,
Granola and wieners,
Pimentos and bagels and jams!
--- Cap'n Bean P0104

There was a young man called O'Toole
Who, when he saw food, used to drool.
Pizza, mangoes, or tripe,
Avocado, when ripe --
Even gruel made his drool form a pool.
--- Michael Palin

An illiterate lass from Vancouver
When informed it was not "Horses doover,"
Could not muster her nerve
To request the hors d'oeuvre,
So had soup as a saving manoeuvre.
--- V Sinclair-Smith 107a

A TV announcer named Price
Ate his food highly flavoured with spice.
He hiccoughed on the air
And appeared not to care.
His boss said "That's not very nice".
--- Arthur Pattaffy Q

Such an invitation, oh gosh!
My panties I don't have to wash.
Just send them to Peter,
That old pumpkin eater,
So he can have his little nosh!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

One evening while eating jugged hare,
I suddenly spied Lionel Blair.
He stood on one leg,
And ate a boiled egg,
Which showed quite exceptional flair.
--- Kevin Hale Q

Her fine kitchen's no longer her own;
It's off-limits--she's starved to the bone;
It began late one night
With a fresh seafood fight,
She's declared it AMANA-war zone.
--- Mark Levy P9507

On mushroom seeking hunts,
Don't be a Townie Dunce;
Just take good note
Pass on this quote:
"All are edible! Some just once!"
--- Val Burns P0509

We invited a sexpot named Rose,
And she dropped in to dine, minus clothes.
Though her etiquette's frightful,
Her figure's delightful...
For a dessert we each gave Rose a hose...
--- Grand Prix Lim 644

There was a young grocer named Chaste
Whose stock was delightfully graced
With fruits that were neat
And super-good meat
And potatoes to suit every taste.
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay

I recall with mixed feelings dear Bess;
When she dined she created a mess.
She ate, in a word,
Much like a hummingbird,
With vengeance but much less finesse.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P2006

I opened the door; the fridge was bare.
There just wasn't any food in there.
No corn, no peas,
No macaroni and cheese,
I'll have to go out, but I don't know where.
--- Anon

A thick noodle soup was sustained
By the thought of the stuff he contained,
Which caused him to shout
When they sieved it all out,
"Oh, mercy! My quality's strained!"
--- Lims Unlimited

There are times I don't do what I should;
Gobbling chocolates, sex and fast food.
There are all kinds of blisses,
From martinis to kisses,
That are worth giving up being good.
--- Cyd

There was an old fellow named Brynner,
Who wife would swear like a mule skinner.
He said, "What you call me
Will never appall me,
But don't call me, my dear, late for dinner."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2479

This is file evm

There's something about oregano
That prevents you from singing soprano.
To hit a top C,
Take this tip from me:
Wear a truss made of rusty Meccano.
--- Kevin Hale Q

Organic food is good to fill
You up and it won't make you ill.
Its adverse effect
Is what you expect
In your bill, when you reach the till.
--- Tony Burrell

A fellow in old Saskatoon
Never learned how to eat with a spoon.
He would fork up his soup,
And when eating the goop,
It would take him the whole afternoon.
--- Gerry Busch

There was an eccentric from Lowell
Who preferrred to eat soup with a towel:
Dipped it deep in the slop,
Then sucked out every drop,
Till there wasn't one left in the bowl.
--- Anon TP9806

An Indian fellow called Noah,
A ginger and tumeric grower,
Sells poppadoms, spice
And chapattis and rice
In a Delhicatessen in Goa.
--- Peter Wilkins

There was a young fellow named Ned
Who feared he might never get fed.
He was longing to dine
On some pheasant and wine,
But his girl kept him glued to the bed.
--- Isaac Asimov

There was a young man from the Cape
Who swallowed his hat for a jape.
It was easy to tell
Why he felt so unwell,
By his stomach's extraordinary shape.
--- Michael Palin

In Sweden, a fellow named Smorg
At dinner cried out, "Smorg is bored.
Potatoes, meat peas--
Repeated--must cease!
That year won "The Gourmet Award."
--- Irving Superior P9208

A circus performer named Ords
For years has been swallowing swords.
When people shout, "Fake!"
No answer he'll make,
Because he has no vocal chords.
--- Irving Superior

Try Fred Legget's Tea of West Styx.
In your stomach, 'twill surely do tricks,
And its greatest surprise
'Sthat it breeds butterflies,
And it tastes like they make it from bricks!
--- Aaron S Adel

While vanilla as flavoring's boring,
The vanilla bean's prices are soaring.
Its orchid festoons
Tropic timber, whose boons
Are axed daily, while food snobs are snoring.
--- Carole June Hooker

A lazy young houri named Hayes,
Said, "I don't mind giving guys lays,
If they bring vaseline
Or plain margarine,
But I hate to use good mayonnaise!"
--- G1501

There once was a man from New York,
Who ate with a knife and a fork,
Some quail, very young,
Best served with some tongue,
And some tender, but well-done young pork.
--- John Miller 0309

He very pleasantly dined
On this very tender young find.
"So juicy!" he howled,
"Hand me a towel.
Seconds for me? I don't mind."
--- Arden

There was a man from New York State,
The more he drank, the more he ate.
The more he ate,
The more he shit.
Vicious cycle, isn't it.
--- G1432

Last week at the delicatessen,
She said, as we finished undressin',
That playing with food
Made her horny and lewd,
So we sloshed on the cream and got messin'.
--- PeterW

And then for a very good laugh,
We bathed in ice cold half and half.
But oh, what a trip
When we used Reddi-Whip
On his rapidly stiffening staff.
--- Arden

Now did you stiffen with passion?
Or just from the cold in the fashion
Of some folks in Sweden,
Who are so far from Eden,
Find plumbing with icicles smashin'?
--- John Miller

You use what you have where you are:
Guacomole's not going too far.
And you really can't match
Chili Verde en Snatch,
While Bolero is played on guitar.
--- John Miller

There once was a goy bagel baker
Who was a smart-ass WISEACRE.
He made the holes large
And tripled the charge.
Arrested, he's now a stone-breaker.
--- Chris Papa

The toastmaster on my TV
Doesn't eat nor drink nor pee.
I put something soft in
Right under its chin,
Then there's a warmy crispy bagel for me!
--- Tiddy Ogg

There once was a baker named Jake
Who stumbled whilst mixing a cake.
His wife cooked the lot
In the oven so hot,
And gobbled him up by mistake.
--- Loads & Loads Lims P0104

A baker by the name of Hayes
Has a hooker he frequently pays
To lay on the counter
So that he can mount her;
The result being the doughnut glaze.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

To my female assistant I pleaded,
"Please help, this dough must be kneaded."
O'er her hole 'twas streched tight,
Then was pierced with delight.
My plan for the doughnut succeeded.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

They bake some strange buns in Nuneaton,
With dough that's first whipped and then beaten.
They eat several tons
Of these fabulous buns,
But, south of Nuneaton's none eaten.
--- Anon

A baker from down on the block,
Makes doughnuts as hard as a rock.
His cream-filled eclair,
Is primarily air,
And his jelly roll tastes like a sock!
--- Donna Romito P9208

Prepare a graham cracker crust.
You'll preheat the oven I trust,
To three hundred fifty.
So it comes out nifty,
A spring-form pan is a must.
--- Anon

Cream cheese, 3 packages - softened;
One point five cups sugar toss in,
Then three tablespoons flour.
Now use all your power,
Add 4 whole eggs, beating often.
--- Anon

Next add half a cup lemon juice;
Fresh is all you ever should use.
One final beatin';
One hour heatin';
Cool and add the topping you choose.
--- Anon

I twig when you speak of a quickie;
Know a zit is no longer a hickey.
Speak cyber-lectronics,
A bit of ebonics--
Just what in blue Hell is a "bickie?"
--- John Miller

I observed one fine day to Grandad:
"He's a very smart cookie, by gad!"
"God save my soul!
How so very droll....
'A biscuit, well-dressed', my young lad?"
--- Tutta Gioia

Soft John has had a big fit;
My Oz slang just gave him a zit.
A good Aussie Bickie
Is like a Yank Cookie
And it is just short for biscuit.
--- Archie

So long as yer gittin' the gist
Acrossed, than you shouldn't git dis'd.
India, the U.S.,
Oz, others countless
Talk an English that gets the Brits pissed.
--- Archie

But Archie and me's been around
Where slang and archaics abound.
They're good if you need 'em,
And it's fun to read 'em,
And sometimes you need just-that-sound.
--- Karen


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