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When deciding to travel by plane, As a famous curmudgeon and whiner, Hey grandad, it's time that you rode "To all of our aging old friends, At Incontinental it's said Have pity on Jonathan White, There's nothing like flying a plane, Once a pilot of choppers named Joe, There once was a lady from Maine, Air hostesses are friendly and gay, When he came in at night to the carrier, Said the pilot enroute to Taipei, Atlanta can be such a bore, A clever inventor named Sy If shooting down planes is your mission, Today, when one goes on a flight, Three Utah men once were emplaned The whole trouble with airlines is planes; "Hey, Hal, how'd I get this to fly?" (planes sold to Britain but not computer program to fly it)
"Why've planes got propellers?" asked Bet. There once was a world famous Baron, Three balloonists, Per, Richard and Steve, From Eagle Pass to Baltimore, Since air cargo's my chosen career, Those guys at Eagle are too steep, "At this point, we've just about crossed The Goose, it was not really Spruce, The pilots did not mention tail, A stewardess, hotly pursued When airplanes were first seen in the sky, A would-be circumnavigator, Branson, A nervous young flyer called Ted, "By gum, George, D'you see that there plane? So there were George, taking a pee, Now Yorkshiremen think it unsound Let's hope pilot's not neophyte, They say it was Copilot Falk Although very few thought they might, Across the bright vaulted sky races The whole trouble with airlines is planes The whole trouble with airlines is planes, A young airline hostess named Clode The whole trouble with airlines is planes, The whole trouble with airlines is planes; If the Concorde ever gets off the ground, Here's to duct tape: the bonding it brings The young girl at El Al was so nice, Though on takeoffs, a pilot named Irving We depend on the flight engineer A delayed Frequent-Flyer, I've found, With Orlando's airport in sight, The jury impaneled at Lyme There was a young fellow named Blaine This morning while eating my grits, Are you quite sure that closure's the case? "In airports today what provokes In the Jet Age you breakfast at home, A voluptuous maiden named Wright But left a small sample,
Though he was nearly trapped From Wagner kept humming;
Then put in his wienie Sodomized her all night.
He came like a rabbit "This'll hurt your parole."
A Frenchman 'cross the aisle Stole a pinch from her ass.
He'll remember for weeks, "Coffee, tea, milk...or screw!"
But when she looked over There was naught left to try.
He grumbled, "No joking, British Airways provides a scotch spree,
You'll find it a hell of a strain.
The leg room's too small;
There's no room at all;
And you're wedged next to Robbie again!
--- Kevin Hale Q
On a protracted plane ride to China,
The whole white knuckled flight
He spent sitting upright,
Since inclined to decline a recliner.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0209
An aeroplane. Can't hold your load?
Your guts temperamental?
Fly Incontinental!
Each seat doubles up as commode.
--- Anon
Flight Incontinental extends
A 'Care Package' free;
Inside you will see
A life-saving box of Depends."
--- Anon
The crew gives your vessel full head.
Then they diaper your bum
And get you to come
In an upright position, instead.
--- Anon
Whose hobby was flying his kite.
To his parent's dismay,
He got carried away,
And floated right out of their sight.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Unless it's in lightning and rain.
I do in my dream,
And sometimes I cream.
Like crashing, it causes a stain.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Had a lawn that he hated to mow.
Then a notion did dawn:
Now he flattens his lawn
Just by hovering over it low.
--- Prof M-G
Who wanted to build an airplane.
She had no way to steer,
And no reverse gear;
That's why she is living in Spain.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Up in the air every day.
But one thing I've found,
When they're on the ground,
They do like to go all the way.
--- Tony Burrell
His landing got hairy and scarier.
His plight became dire
When his hook missed the wire;
He was finally saved by the barrier.
--- Shelby Forrest
"I fall short in a masculine way.
Though massaging my stump
Going over the hump,
Makes a lttle go quite a long way."
--- Arthur Deex P8303
When you sit there five hours or more.
Could have flown to Bombay
In the time it took Monday
To go from Charlotte to Eugene: hours 24!
--- Meps N Barry
Invented a chair that could fly;
You'd sit in the seat,
Push off with your feet,
And view the whole world from the sky.
--- Cap'n Bean P0409
And you have just made this admission,
You must first use your brain,
Get a gun and a plane.
But you must acquire admonition.
--- Al Willis
A long trip, by day or night,
There's so much to be seen
On one's personal screen;
It distracts me from getting quite tight!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
When their landing-gear fluid all drained.
They poured coffee and coke
But the gear remained broke.
So they peed and safe landing attained.
--- Mesterton-Gibbons MG9702
Like the cables cause trouble for cranes.
Like husbands and wives,
Things saving our lives
Are the things that cause us such pains.
--- Tuscany
"Can't say, Dave, it's secret, and I
Think foolish you feel,
But for us a great deal,
We'll buy 'em back cheap by and by."
--- Anon
"I've haven't quite figured it yet."
"They're fans, you young fool,
To keep pilots cool.
One stops, you should see the man sweat."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who put haughty airs in the air on.
Asked why his plane's red,
"'Cause we're fearless," he said,
"And that is why we'll win World War One."
--- Anon
Who, at globe circling failed to achieve,
Mustn't know Santa's sleigh
Calms the winds in its way...
Or they'd plan not to fly Christmas Eve!
--- Prof M-G TP9901
It cost eight thousand and sixty-four,
Dollars just to fly,
A box one foot high.
I'm in the wrong business for sure.
--- Anon
The task that she mentions is clear;
For eight thousand and change
I, too, could arrange
To charter a Falcon or Lear.
--- Anon
And though UPS red is cheap(er),
They won't guarantee,
Early delivery,
So TransGroup I'll just have to keep.
--- Anon
The Sahara," announced Captain Frost.
All we saw below
Were mountains of snow.
"Then again, we might be slightly lost."
--- Michael Weinstein P9005
Built by that Hughes so abtuse.
'Twas birch, far from strongest,
But it's wingspan's the longest.
Oh that whimsical thinking recluse.
--- Tutta Gioia
But the stewardesses did not fail
In lap duty then.
Is it different now when
Some cabin attendants are male?
--- A N Wilkins P9005
By the captain (both totally nude)
Ran down the aisle
Then stopped with a smile
To dish out the drinks and the food.
--- Michael Weinstein P9005
They could not fly too far or too high.
If Wright's eyes could perceive,
They would not believe
What evolved. Brings a tear to my eye.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Owned jumbo-jets you'd lose elephants on.
But he, being a loon
Tried to go by balloon
And was glad to escape with his pants on.
--- Mesterton-Gibbons MG9701
Said, "It's not that I fear being dead,
But my heart nearly stops
When the blooming plane drops
And leave my tum up in my head."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Let's see what it dropped," said old Jane.
"This fell from that bird,
A bloody great turd;
It's those damn fat-assed Yankees again."
--- Tiddy Ogg
This is file dkl
Behind a humongous oak tree.
He just emptied his tanks,
When bombed by those Yanks,
For shaking his W-M-D. (weapon of mass destruction)
--- Tiddy Ogg
To let these Yank planes fly around.
If the bomb they unloaded
Had really exploded,
Repairs could have cost near a pound!
--- SFA
'Cause TYRO, there would be a fright.
'Student Pilot' sign
Would make me decline,
And opt for a later date's flight.
--- Darryl
Whom two passengers stopped on the walk.
One said, "On this round
Don't fly faster than sound.
My friend here and I want to talk."
--- A N Wilkins P9005
Some pioneers dreamed of man's flight.
But canvas and string
And a double-deck wing
Proved Wilbur and Orville were Wright.
--- Tiddy Ogg
An array of World War I aces;
They follow their orders,
And boldly cross borders,
Ambitious for aerial chases.
--- Matthew Montchalin
With cabins like gullets of cranes.
They cram us all in,
Then say with a grin,
"The mechanics still wracking their brains."
--- K Brews
'Cause the seats are all covered with stains.
The bathrooms are too small,
To eat, suck, and ball,
And that's why everyone complains!
--- Anon
Had not a fixed place of abode.
She had tourists in flight
And she made out all right,
For she had her whole show on the road.
--- Albin Chaplin
With old wires that can't stand moisture gains,
Which cause smoke and fire,
When they rot througgh the wire.
Don't you wish they'd replace what remains?
--- Prof M-G
That's why everyone always complains,
'Cause carry-on's blow
And you know they should go
Up the passenger's asses with pains.
--- Oddo Von Schlong TP9901
'Twill produce the most ungodly sound.
Those aeronautical darts
Blast out cosmic farts,
That will level a poorly built town.
--- G1396
Has been used to repair many things.
'Tis a great bargain buy,
But I'd rather not fly
With an airline that tapes broken wings!
--- Anon
As, on the phone she offered advice.
A less crowded Monday
Is better than Sunday
To travel, and we won't change the price.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Delighted in swooping and swerving,
Going faster than sound
While still on the ground,
His passengers found it unnerving.
--- Cyber Geezer
If we choose to go "there" from right "here";
We have a safe flight,
By day or by night,
If he figures exactly - not near.
--- R J Winkler P8503
Experiences something profound.
You get no extra miles,
Not even more smiles,
Nor credit for time on the ground.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
The passengers all had a fright.
The plane lurched and yawed;
A man screamed, "Oh God!
Just let me please survive this flight!"
--- Meps N Barry
Refused to convict for the crime,
Though a tourist one night
Had hijacked a flight,
And had made the crew get there on time.
--- A N Wilkins P9005
Who was watching a movie called 'Rain.'
He thought it too dry
And walked out, on the sly,
Forgetting he was on a jet plane.
--- Clifford M Christ P8402
I read Hooters Air calls it quits.
They blame the big rise
In the jet fuel price,
And the weight of their hostesses tits.
--- Dirruk
'Cause, with tits out all over the place,
The rumor I heard
While munching my curd,
Was that Hooters was moving to space.
--- James
The Jet Set?" inquired Mr. Stokes.
"Their sort thinks it cruddy,"
Responded his buddy,
"That they have to mix with plane folks."
--- A N Wilkins P8508
Eat a leisurely luncheon in Rome,
And dine in Bombay,
Many travelers say,
While your luggage all ends up in Nome.
--- A N Wilkins P9005
Took a 747 one night.
The sales man beside her
Was first to bestride her.
He found her too ample,
--- Big Little Playoy Lims
When his seat belt unsnapped.
Up front, a musician
Used finger coition,
And while she was coming,
--- Big Little Playoy Lims
To strains of Rossini,
And came to his glory
With Il Trovatore.
A young priest on her right
--- Big Little Playoy Lims
And deplored his habit.
A judge seated in back
Took a leisurely whack,
And when done, said drolly,
--- Big Little Playoy Lims
Watched it all with a smile,
And when each was done,
Exclaimed, "Vive le fun!"
A young lad from first class
--- Big Little Playoy Lims
Those soft velvety cheeks,
And forever, perchance,
How he came in his pants.
The stewardess rushed through,
--- Big Little Playoy Lims
Those white breasts of Dover,
She gave out a loud scream
And containers of cream.
When the Captain came by
--- Big Little Playoy Lims
There's been too much poking;
I'll turn off NO SMOKING,
And light up NO FOKING."
Now Wright knows what is means: MAIDEN FLIGHT!
--- Big Little Playoy Lims
And Air France? Just the pure l'eau de vie.
SAS? Aquavit.
Aeroflot gives a teat,
And Luftansa? Schnapps with a plea.
--- Bill Backe-Hansen P9005
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