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"Well, you'd expect that she, now as my wife, "She'd sleep with me in the bed and A golfer who came from Calcutta There was a young golfer at Troon A lonely golf widow named Sutter My driver is here in my pants. A banker whose mistress had sighed, There was an old golfer named Blake, A cheerful young golfer named Krock, A horny old golfer named Randy, A beautiful drive made by Byron Fred's heart attack, while on the links, A stroke from this golfing old Fogey, Heart attack Fred drank gin There was a young lady named Heather, He forced us to solemnly pledge I've hacked many divots from tees; Before death my uncle would quip, Dear Uncle has been know to scoff Golfing with workmates was a bloke Frank was holding the flag when the lightning struck Sam's wife took a lover to bed; As the pro, you must buy me a drink, While cuddled up under the blanket, Shall we play some golf at Troon. There was a golf widow named Dunn While golfing, I try this for fun: I tell you sometimes it's no fun There was a young golfer from Lincs, As a golfer, he'll harden his bun Young Norton, a golfer outstanding, Years then passed in his pastor's toque; Far away from church goer's eyes, Father Norton drove ball true and well, No slice to the left or hook right. There once was a golfer from Verdun Where golf courses numbered a ton, An aging old golf pro named Meyer, A horny old golfer for fun, There was once a golfer called Ben (Hogan) Billy Graham says the good Lord attends The octogenarian grinned, Seems that one of Bill's challenges falls; There once was a young golfing star, A Newcastle golfer with gall O.J. Simpson approached Heidi Fleiss, The PGA tourney's now done. Eying the straight-from-the-tee line, In the land of kilts, sporrans, and pipes; Says the staid PGA, "We insist He's seldom in also-ran places. I really can't help but abhore I'm sending out invites to dinner, Johnnie Miller was Jackson Hole bound; A doctor named David yanked left, Once a feminine golfer did say, Three whores took on nine men at once, His tee shot went badly astray "Hey! Keep your ball on the short grass," Around the clubhouse turn they then snuck, He was filled with a profound remorse, Somewhere where the grass is much greener, A lush golfing dolly named Jeanne (even the intercourse record)
There once was a golfer name Leer, Some men with some girls had some drinks Each morning they went out to play
Would want us to have our own life.
And as far as it goes,
If she wore your clothes,
Well, you won't need then in the afterlife.
--- Tom Accousti
Drive your custom made mini-van.
But your clubs? Have no fear."
"And why is that, dear?"
"Her own set is for the left hand."
--- Tom Accousti
Said: "Please don't think me a nutter.
If I try the long haul,
I just lose the ball,
So I play every stroke with the putter."
--- Anon
Who always played golf with a spoon.
"It's handy," said he,
"For the brandy, you see,
Should anyone happen to swoon."
--- Linda Marsh Coll
Used to diddle herself with a putter,
First washing it clean
To protect her machine,
Then oiling with real country butter.
--- Grand Prix Lim 127 G2211
My putter's the bulge in my stance.
A nice walk diluted,
Sam Clemens imputed.
My shaft and head favors romance.
--- H Welchel
For a gift of some golf clubs she'd spied,
Didn't hear his love mutter
"Two woods and a putter,"
So bought her St. Andrews and Ryde.
--- Young Fellow Glover P0406
Who had a decision to make.
When he posted a score
Of one twenty-four,
He threw his clubs into the lake.
--- Thomas A Ratliff P0305
Gave his tee shot a hundred-yard sock.
It doesn't sound far
To a man who shoots par,
But 'twas done with the end of his cock.
--- Anon
Liked women whose snatches were sandy.
When asked by the pro
Why he'd want one just so,
He replied, "I've a nine iron handy."
--- Jeffrey Beeton
Went straight for the hole of a siren.
He did not see the trap
And got caught in the crap,
But got out with his number nine iron.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1980
Was tragic and painful, methinks.
It was on hole thirteen
At the edge of the green.
We dragged him five holes and had drinks.
--- Al Willis
Killed a guy who was eating a hoagie.
He finished the hole,
Ate the meal on a roll,
And blamed the dead guy for his bogey.
--- JCH T9801
While he chewed on a bottle of aspirin.
Then retrieving his driver,
Whacked the final ball higher,
And went to his fate with a grin.
--- Sarah S
Who golfed in all kinds of weather.
She teed off one morn,
In an electrical storm,
Now they're trying to put Heather together.
--- Aurdry Conklin P9208a
To bury his clubs at the edge
Of the latch of his coffin,
'Cause he said, "It's like golfin'.
I'll escape any trap with my wedge."
--- Badger57
I've pulled and sliced balls into trees.
I've had plenty fun,
But now that it's done,
It's others will pay these green fees.
--- Tiddy Ogg
"Please bury me on my left hip;
'Cause in that position,
I'll make the transition
From that trap with one single chip!"
--- Travis Brasell
When he shanks his balls into the trough;
Now, God rest his soul,
At his final hole,
Dear Uncle is really teed off!
--- Travis Brasell
On the fairway, who happened to croak.
The pain to his boss,
Was not in the loss,
It was toting him up again after each stroke.
--- Anon
And he looked like a man being hit by a truck.
With his hair straight as wire,
With his pants caught on fire,
My putt hit a spike mark and missed -- rotten luck!
--- Rick Limmer
With his putter Sam splintered her head.
Said the wise old judge Chase
After hearing the case,
I'd have used a nine iron instead.
--- Parker Waterman P0108
For the hole-in-one that I did sink.
And as for my stance,
I can tell from a glance,
Any gap is too large for your dink.
--- Anon
Watching golf, we saw Tiger Woods spank it.
"A nice hole in one,"
Said my girl, "Would be fun..."
So I gave her a try -- and I sank it!
--- Crazy Legs T9801
We're sure to be finished by noon.
And when it's all over,
We'll roll in the clover.
(I may score a hole-in-one soon.)
--- Archie
Who said, "Hubby don't have all the fun!
While he's chasing the ball
I have male friends who call...
And they all make a fast hole in one!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 40
Wearing two pair of trousers, not one.
And answering questionaires
Like "Why the two pairs?"
I reply "In case of a hole-in-one."
--- Funny Bone
When wearing two pants and not one...
But although I was baggy,
All baggy and saggy,
I played this ass-hole and I won!
--- Tutta Gioia
Whose caddy was a bit of a minx!
He hit a hole in one,
And then said this is fun.
I thought she'd be a bit of a jinx!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
When you're stripped for coitional fun,
And with a stiff stroke, (To the duffer's delight,)
Spread your hips for the poke, (For once he'll aim right)
And make his first real hole-in-one!
--- G0228
Was called to the priesthood for branding;
Vowed to be poor and chaste,
Accepted in haste
Order's rule "No Golf" upon landing.
--- Daniel Ford
Reverend Father Norton awoke
One gorgeous Sunday,
Decided "Must play!"
Claimed sick to associate bloke.
--- Daniel Ford
Father Norton teed up his prize.
"You suffer this clod?"
St. Peter asked God.
"Guess not," said the Lord amid sighs.
--- Daniel Ford
This is file cwl
A long ball, into hole it fell,
From the clear blue sky.
St. Peter asked "Why!"
Mused God, "Who is he going to tell?"
--- Daniel Ford
Balls sailed with precision in flight.
The last drive, holed in one,
But the fun had just begun.
His putter looked stiff for the night.
--- Anon
Who was never at all that outdone.
To avoid glitches
He brought spare britches
In case he got a hole-in-one.
--- Bob Polecat
A thousand girls bathed in the sun
And tanned their cute bodies
While sipping hot toddies,
But I shot a great hole-in-one!
--- Travis Brasell
At teaching young girls took a flyer.
Every day he was seen
Playing games on the green,
Where his hole-in-one average was higher.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2192
Made love to his mares on the run.
He'd open his kilts,
Dash around on short stilts,
And score many a nice hole in one.
--- Actaeon
Who had never been heard of...but then,
A five hundred to one,
He competed and won
The first prize at the British Open.
--- Anon
To his prayers except when he unbends
To break his routine
And gets on the green
To play golf with some of his friends.
--- A N Wilkins P9008
As on the green golf course he sinned.
His partner, named Farr
Tried hard to break par,
While the old fellow merely broke wind.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun
"He broke eighty", the young caddy calls.
Though with details spared,
A young lady has shared,
That for luck she had kissed Willy's balls.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who drove an enormous big car.
Many birdies he got
To keep his clubs hot;
His performance stayed way above par.
--- Jayne
Had whacked all day long at his ball.
Until, with a splat,
He hit a cow pat,
And now he don't' play much at all!
--- Clarkscript
And suggested some golf might be nice.
"I'm not sure I agree,"
Heidi said, "For you see,
I'm a hooker and you got a bad slice."
--- Bob Giandomenico P9501a
Garcia was just having fun,
But Tiger's ball striking
Was much to his liking;
He squeeked to a win by just one.
--- Anon
I usually drive in a beeline;
Precision is my key.
I'm sponsored by Nike
And named for a big stripy feline.
--- Henry Hook P0202
What's that roar, as some guy putts and swipes?
Nineteen strokes below par
To be golf's greatest star?
It's a tiger who's earning his stripes!
--- Prof M-G
On this message which some fans have missed.
If you ask us, we'll say
Since T. Woods came our way,
Who would dare say God doesn't exist?"
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0900
He meets every challenge he faces.
Caucasion and Negroid
And majority Mongoloid,
He's a credit to all of his races.
--- DC Dave
This mention of race. It's a bore.
The race I endorse
Out on the golf course,
Is the race to equal his score.
--- Frank Fazed
To every old pro and beginner.
We'll have celebration
And standing ovation
For Tiger Woods -- he's a real winner!
--- Scott
Rodham planned a surprise quite profound.
But Bill misunderstood,
And was off to no good;
She insisted that he play a round.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
In the deep he was often bereft.
He moved back from the ball,
Just a smidge, that was all,
And from fairway, he's often quite deft.
--- Hugh O'Niell P0511Q
"With the masculine golfers I'll play."
And so scared Vijay Singh
With her lady golf swing,
That he scratched from the men's PGA!
--- Anon
In their mouths and their assholes and cunts.
Only on a golf green
Can generally be seen
Eighteen balls and nine holes at such stunts.
--- G0711
And rolled twixt two lovers at play.
At first he said, "My!
What a difficult lie!"
Then, "Oh, What a beautiful lay!"
--- Lance Payne P8306a
The golf pro instructed. Alas!
Her Beau said his dong
Likes only grass long,
So his balls got lost on her ass?
--- Anon
He pulled out his woody and struck.
I'm a bit off my game,
Seems my putters gone lame.
Could you kiss my balls for good luck?
--- Anon
For the rulebook she'd surely enforce.
"This was your last chance,
To get into my pants.
No Mulligans when playing this course."
--- Anon
And the wind and the air so much cleaner,
Is a golfer who st-t-t-tutters,
'Bout his profound putter.
And a scorecard that shows him a winner!
--- Anon
Was holed-in-one on the ninth green.
She cried, "Par for the dubs
Is four, but your club's
Broken evey course record I've seen!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 1001 P9703
Who got put in the clink for a year,
For an action obscene,
On the very first green,
Where the sign said "Enter Course Here".
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Then nude went to play on the links.
One guy cried, "Fore...
Skins we adore!"
The girls laughed as they knelt for highjinks.
--- TuttaGioia
On a golf course not too far away.
They found satisfaction
In two kinds of action:
A good lie, or else a good lay.
--- Laurence Perrine P8802
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