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Postal chess is here to stay, There's something that chess computers lack; There was a queer fellow of Guelph A chess-player, Montague Spinner, The pawn's move is subtle and dange- Said the pawn to the bishop, "I can't The Queen said, "Oh, Knight, you're devine! The USCF rating's inflated, Though at chess, young Albert is great, A young chess player said to his date, Strip chess is a game where one bares Why not have a go at strip chess? In college I used to play chess; Thought I was just being a flirt. I will never play chess again; I played chess with my robot at 10:00, There once was a player from Maine, There was a chess player named Quest; We intended to climb all the Alps, While climbing in Switzerland, how Went camping with Sue and Louise, I know that I'm not telling tales There was an old man from China, "I wondered wherever we went In the Rockies a sturdy young guide The mountain was steep and sheer; There was a young climber named Mauch, An accomplished high-climber faced thirst, A French mountain climber named Jean (means 'big tit' in frog - McW)
There was a young fellow named Mike A student of cultures, McMahon, I must tell of a climber, McMahon; Through acres of moutaineer's shit, (in honor of first Brit woman to climb Everest)
Though her figure was knobby and slobby One Longbottom, climbing Ben Nevis A young mountain climber named Weeks A young mountaineer from Nepal A cautious old man in Nepal A young mountain climber named Frazier, A curious fellow named Kurt There is a clean climber called Sykes Close to Greybull, Wyoming, Mack George, (take-off on Gorgeous George, effeminate wrestler of 1950's)
An old mountain climber named Frost A brave rock climber named Dowd Give your pecker erection a tweak; If your girl friend manhandles your spout, Only two monor problems I'm told; A bivvy bag (bivouac sack) A climber of mountains named Whymper An alpinist couple named Boyle He climbed with his girl, a Grand Teton, Climbing Everest, soon I felt beat. I once on the Jungfrau assayed it; "Just leave it, you rock-climbing creep!" In the winter they found climber Paul, There was a young girl called Jemima, In the most posh of Alpine retreats, Mountain climbing has left my dick sore, A daring young caver named Lynn (Mendip - range of hills in Somerset Shire)
There once was a whore lived in Duncan, I took a young girl, once, spelunking; Said a mountaineer in a Swiss town, A neophyte climber named Cox With passionate kisses we spent I once on the Jungfrau assayed it. An Alpine couple, making love on a strap, The archer Tell now has to try
And no reason why I shouldn't play.
It is nice and slow,
I can use my ECO,
It's the postage that I can not pay.
--- Bill Wall
It's not they know how to attack;
They can fork and pin;
They may lose, they may win.
But they just will never talk back.
--- Bill Wall
Who kept an odd game on the shelf.
Played like chess -- but no queen --
And some thought it obscene,
For the King could mate just with himself.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2095
At a championship match was the winner.
All glasses were raised.
He was flattered and praised,
And served with pawn cocktails at dinner.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Rous. One square or two it can range.
It takes on the slant;
Move backwards, it can't,
And en passant is even more strange.
--- Tony Davie
Move like you, I'd just puff and pant.
You're obliquely generic,
You diagonal cleric.
Does your prick, when erect, point aslant?"
--- Anon
And your horse! With appendage so fine!
Do you think that we three
Could go out to tea,
Then repair to a square and entwine?"
--- Tutta Gioia
But lower rate players elated.
They can lose every game,
But their rate stays the same,
Or even more highly elevated.
--- Bill Wall
Last night he had his first date.
She was not so impressed
With his improper requests,
And told him "Your breath is stale, mate."
--- Andrew Purdom
"My dear, do you mind if we mate."
She said, "I can cook
And fondle your rook."
He said, "Stop the clock, it's too late."
--- M Buckley
One's pieces on sixty-four squares.
The aim is to lose
So your partner has views,
So please don't wear too many layers.
--- Anon
Your pieces I'd love to caress.
It might get obscene
When my knight takes your queen,
But at mating I think I'll impress.
--- Tiddy Ogg
I always wore some low-cut dress.
He forgot the game.
He forgot his name!
His strategy became a mess.
--- Marlene Lewis
Made his pulse jump under his shirt.
Sacrificed a knight
When his jeans got tight.
Did not know someone would be hurt.
--- Marlene Lewis
The board has too many men.
The Queen's trapped and placed,
Protected and chaste.
Let's go cuddle up in the den.
--- Marlene Lewis
And he rapidly took all my men.
When I played him at 2:00,
I'd adjusted a screw,
And now I'm the master again.
--- Laurence Perrine Lib Lim
Who played chess on a very fast train.
He took a move back
And was thrown off the track,
And he never did play chess again.
--- Bill Wall
At chess he was one of the best.
He played with great skill,
His opponent to kill.
Master Quest wasn't lacking in zest.
--- William K Alsop Jr
But were standing there, scratching our scalps.
There are just so damn many;
Could we finish off any?
We can do just one alp, if that halps.
--- Rory Ewins Q
He was tempted en route by a cow.
But he kept to his promise
To Heidi, did Thomas,
And climaxed atop the Jungfrau.
--- Peter Wilkins
Who erected my tent with some ease.
They spread mayonnaise
On my pole, which delays
Me from coming whenever I please.
--- PeterW
Those maps all got printed in Braille.
From her tits to her clit,
All the boys agreed it,
Was the best feel they had on the trail.
--- Anon
Who wasn't a very good climber.
He slipped on a rock
And broke his cock,
And now he's got a vagina!
--- Anon
On our camping trip," said Mr. Dent,
"How the Arabs today
Could steal quietly away
If they had to fold up this damned tent."
--- A N Wilkins P8407
Used to take all the girls in his stride
At the top of the pass,
For he wanted his ass
With a true Continental Divide.
--- Keith MacMillan 96a
Over the edge, the climber did peer.
He slipped and fell,
And didn't look well,
As across the rocks below he did smear.
--- Anon
Whose brains must have slipped a whole notch;
He couldn't tell crampons
From feminine tampons,
And fell off his mistress's crotch!
--- Armand E Singer 449
And his lungs, starved of air, nearly burst.
With one painful last drag,
He surmounted the crag,
But nine Girl Guides had reached the top first.
--- David A Brooks
Developed a raging hard-on
While climbing a peak,
Whose name was so chic,
In Idaho, called "Grand Teton!"
--- Tutta Gioia
Who took his girl out on a hike.
She was had on the trail
While she held a hand rail,
And again going home on the bike.
--- Albin Chaplin
Spent time in Tibet, so they're sayin';
He claimed local meat
Just couldn't be beat --
The natives remarked, "Himalayan."
--- Armand Singer
What he did I'm ashamed to be sayin':
On top of a porter
And trying to court her,
His three tentmates did find Himalayan.
--- Armand Singer
She climbed and attempted to sit
On Everest's huge peak,
But arose with a squeak;
"Gee, fellows, that freezes my clit!"
--- Tiddy Ogg
This is file chl
Kay was easily mounted by Bobby.
Said he with a smirk,
"That was fun, Hon, not work...
For you see mountain climbing's my hobby!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 606
Fell forty feet into a crevice.
He was wedged by Ars Longa,
Recovered, got stronger,
Then passed out, RIP, Vita Brevis.
--- Anon
Loved virgins with oversize cheeks.
He loved to explore
Where no man was before,
And he romped in the valleys and peaks.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1401
Invented a new way to fall.
It worked out so well,
That no one could tell
Where he was - if he'd landed at all.
--- Michael Palin P0110
When viewing the mountains so tall
Thought: The thrill of a climb
May be somthing sublime,
But if I don't climb, I don't fall.
--- Warrick Elrod
Fell into a crack in a glacier.
"This is rally appalling!"
He shouted while falling,
Then he lapsed into total aphasia.
--- John Ciardi
Loved to climb Alpine peaks in a skirt.
He said it felt nice
In the snow and the ice,
And it kept those below more alert.
--- Michael Palin
Who goes scrambling through ditches and dykes
To skate on his scalp
Down the side of an Alp
Is the kind of diversion he likes
--- James Joyce P9008
A good smith, owned a livery and forge.
He fell into one day
The abyss out that way,
Which thereafter was call "George's Gorge".
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9509
Engaged a fat whore at low cost.
With his pitons and rope,
He was scaling her slope,
But he slipped through a crack and got lost.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2076
Performed for a marveling crowd.
He fell on his head,
But doesn't know he is dead,
And still he climbs through the cloud.
--- Greg St Pierre
Climb a 29000 foot peak.
Basic physical laws
Will undoubtedly cause
The stiffness your lady friends seek.
--- Peter
At this height you'll be left in no doubt;
For the pressure within you
Expanding your sinew,
Is greater than pressure without.
--- Peter
Lack of oxygen makes your knees fold.
While your gasping for air,
Your testicle pair
Will detach and drop off, it's so cold.
--- Peter
Takes the place of a tent in your pack,
When you've mountains to climb
And are wasting no time
Lugging canvas and poles on your back.
--- Rory Ewins
Was known to observe with a simper,
"When you reach fifty-five,
And by chance still alive,
Your nerve like your dick becomes limper."
--- Armand E Singer 406
Found climbing a glacier hard toil;
Said she, "I'll be generous,
Go scale my mons veneris,
That's one thing the Bergschrund can't spoil."
--- Armand E Singer 691
When suddenly she got a heat on.
He then drove his cock
Deep into a rock,
And impaled the poor girl on a piton.
--- John Miller
Had to rest, even thought I'd retreat.
The altitude here
Climbs forever, I fear.
It's twenty-nine-thousand-odd feet!
--- Rory Ewins Q
She said she would never, belayed it.
Brought such a bad crampon
While wearing a tampon,
She called for arrete ere we made it.
--- Anon
Said a team-mate, "I just need to sleep.
The peak is too high;
If we try it, we'll die.
It's arduous. Difficult. Steep."
--- Anon
As he lay in the creek, clothes and all.
Said the coroner, Plummer,
"He's been dead since the summer,
And he died in the spring in the fall.
--- Albin Chaplin
Who fancied herself as a climber.
Take her up to the rocks,
She will bound like a fox.
She'll go up the face like an old-timer!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Each guest the proprietress greets,
Is informed that she dreads,
Hiking gear on the beds,
And how trekker packs sully clean sheets.
--- Bob Giandomenico
Like it never has hurt me before.
What was different, you ask?
Hurt me so at this task?
I'll go to Mt Everest no more!
--- Jon Gearhart
Was deep in original sin.
While under Mendip,
Her man made her strip.
Then hammered a hard piton in.
--- Confused
Whose cunt was incredibly suck in.
When with her in bed,
We wore lamps on our head.
Because it was just like spelunkin'.
--- Michael Thailand
On the floor we ended up bunking.
Stroking with might
My rising stalagtite,
Till deep in her cave I was spunking.
--- Onewayout
"I'm an expert who's won great renown.
I've climbed every one,
But my new way's more fun.
I start at the top and climb down.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
Popped uppers to get him up rocks,
But running down slopes
Used downers plus ropes,
To stop wearing holes in his socks.
--- Armand E Singer 77
Last night in this field in Tashkent.
This morning the dew
Has soaked me right through;
Perhaps we should purchase a tent?
--- Nick
She said she would never. Belayed, it
Brought such a bad cramp on,
While wearing a tampon,
She called for arete ere we made it. (narrow ridge)
--- Rick O'Shay
Heard the buckle of their safety rope snap.
By unnatural acts,
He reached his climb axe.
Both got off and survived the mishap.
--- Bob Aldrich P0512Q
To aim the arrow not too high,
But also not low
Yet through the target go
But miss the apple of his eye.
--- Irving Superior P8306
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