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An espionage agent named Strode A CIA agent, Miss Glover, The CIA, clearly concerned, A CIA agent named Plame A spy from Great Britain named Cole The spy who came in from the cold, The American operative, Claire, He skirted the laurels and thence Through bushes he creeps, footfalls light, "Ah so," says the man, monstrous tall, As 007 walked by, "Our agent James Blond, M, has died. There once was an agent named Bond; There was this voluptuous blonde You don't look a bit like James Bond; "What's this?" said James Bond to old Q. "What's this?" said James Bond to old Q. "What's this?" said James Bond to old Q. "What's this?" said James Bond to old Q. "What now?" said James Bond to old M. "Outrageous!" said James with some phlegm, When Agent 007 heard I proudly announce: last night late Said James to Miss Moneypenny, A spy called Double Oh Seven (007) For me, a perfect techno thriller, I know that murder is a sin, Now before you go making that leap, There's one thing that you will discover, James Bond drank vodka martinis, Agent 007, I'm fond A young polo-player of Berkeley, She mounted the stallion; however, "Hi-Yo Silver!" She's riding away. A dim matador named Jose Said cautious old Spaniard Gualtero, A famous bullfighter named Zeke The toreador stoood out in the ring, The Duchess of Shaumberg-Lippay The lads liked their day at the races, The dog track at Portsmouth is where I'll tell you about my friend Gary: A small jockey, about four foot six, There was a young lady from Mounds Two sisters were having a chat. An American man who was rich On Friday, we'd spread all the hay 'round, The thing, though, that most makes me fuss, There was an old man with a beard, Horse jumping, a contest with thrills; Who do you like in the race There once was a fellow named Ray, Those families that play together Horse racing was what he loved most; A jockey, one Genevieve Morse, The telegrapher, Samuel Morse, My pick in the rain is named "Bud", They're off! and they're galloping round; As Thighs starts to widen her stride, Silk Panties has fallen, I say; Now Jockey Short's dropping behind, At the bend it's Big Johnson and Thighs That huge Rock Hard ten prodded madly There was a young jockey named Moses, My girl has a circular track There was a young boy from Kildare, I know what it means to be tense;
Had quite an unusual code.
Each message he sent
Was twisted and bent,
Then tattooed on the tongue of a toad.
--- Dean Walley
Could play either harlot or lover.
She would trap with dispatch
A red spy in her snatch,
For she did her best work under cover.
--- Al Chaplin P0011
Because they've so often been burned,
Have established a cell
In Vienna to tell
What new secrets the Russians have learned.
--- A N Wilkins P8603
Was subjected to unwanted fame.
A Bushie, no doubt,
Let her secret out;
They're still looking for which one to blame.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0412
Had a transmitter up his bung hole.
But one day the poor bloke
Got a short and he broke
The world record in pole vault -- sans pole!
--- Michael Weinstein P8603
His water attempting to hold,
Just outside the door
Could hold it no more --
Morse coding a snowdrift in gold.
--- Irving Superior P8606
Had dark skin, but had very blond hair.
"She's a bona fide blond",
Said the agent, James Bond.
"I know 'cause I checked her down there."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0309
Located the hole in the fence.
No enemy seen,
So adrenalin keen,
He slipped through, excitement intense.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And gets his objective in sight.
And then a voice booms,
Like a ghost from the tombs,
And he's gripped firm, preventing his flight.
--- Tiddy Ogg
"James Bond, I presume, come to call."
James sobs, starts to cry,
Wipes tears from his eye:
"Please sir, I came after my ball."
--- Tiddy Ogg
He heard a wee spider say "Hi."
But shaken, he shot
It right there on the spot,
As it tried to explain, "I'm a spi..."
--- Peter Wilkins
Our motto's what killed him," Q sighed.
"`Death To All Spies',
Says James: `Ah, but I's
A spy' and commits suicide."
--- Anon
Of martinis and sex he was fond.
Of women, he said,
"I've had thousands in bed,
With the help of Q's magic sex wand.
--- Anon
Brings back memories of which I am fond.
She replied to my quest,
"Can I spy you undressed?"
"Who are you, goddammit, James Bond?"
--- Dick Slimer T9712
You're a 100 pound weakling and blonde.
And you're over the hill
With no licence to thrill,
And young Pussy Galore won't be conned.
--- Peter Wilkins
"I don't know James; I haven't a clue.
But it looks rather sweet
And it covers my feet.
Do you think we could call it a shoe?"
--- Peter Wilkins
"It's a miniture camera for you.
Before screwing a miss,
Just insert it like this,
And we'll sit here enjoying the view."
--- Peter Wilkins
"It's a condom of semtex for you.
Put it on 'fore you bore
Into Pussy Galore,
And you'll blow up her cunt while you screw."
--- Peter Wilkins
"It's a mixture of poison and glue.
If you're down on your luck
And that Jaws wants a suck,
Spread it on 'fore he gives you a chew."
--- Peter Wilkins
"It's like this, James, I fear it's -- ahem
Not Her Majesty's whim
To employ you, dear Jim,
If you're -- how shall I say -- one of them."
--- Peter Wilkins
As he desperately tugged at the hem
Of his burgeoning skirt,
Then he whipped off his shirt
And cried, "God, How I've wanted you, M."
--- Peter Wilkins
He'd be a father, he said, "Absurd!
I've spent all my life
Avoiding such strife."
He was visibly shaken, not stirred.
--- Tom Patton P9608
On the shore I caught Jane 008.
With a little persuasion,
She gave in to temptation;
With skill then the agent got ate.
--- Anon
"How long is it since you had any?"
She said "It's too long
Since I had a good schlong."
So he stripped her and fucked her big fanny.
--- Alexander Baron
Was killed and rose up into heaven,
Where Double Oh Six (006)
Taught him several new tricks,
And he became Zero Eleven. (011)
--- William K Alsop Jr
Is when James Bond's at the tiller!
"Sean Connery"? I sigh!
I think he's perfect guy!
I don't give a damn if he's killer.
--- Barb
But when he does the bad guys in,
They get what they deserve!
I admire his nerve.
Note: Costumes for gals? Mostly skin!
--- Barb
I reckon' that free still beats cheap,
But only James Bond
Gets a free Texas blond,
So I think you should stick to your sheep.
--- Tiddy Ogg
James Bond is a wonderful lover.
It should be no surprise,
He is one of those guys
Who was trained to act undercover.
--- Tom Patton P0308
And had numerous girls in bikinis.
But in his spare time,
He would go and fight crime;
So his mind wouldn't dwell on his weenie.
--- Anon
Of the way you attempt to abscond.
Tell me, when's your next try?
Mister Blofeld, a spy,
Never hides, as my word is my bond.
--- Anon
Made love to his sweetheart berserkly.
In the midst of each chukker
He would break off and fuck her
Horizontally, laterally, and verkeley.
--- L0271
She feared this bronc-bustin' endeavor.
Can she stay in the saddle?
Her tush that's unclad'll
Be screaming, "Don't gid'yup, please tether!"
--- Anon
This is file bnl
Lone Ranger's engaged in the fray.
She bucked and she twisted
And Tonto insisted,
Side-saddle, she came with a "Neigh"!
--- Anon
Was tossed 'cross the bullring one day.
The remark that he squealed
Can't in print be revealed --
But it certainly wasn't "Ole!"
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
A very reluctant torero,
"Why face a mean steer?
Far safer a deer.
They'll pay me the same green dinero."
--- Armand Singer P0307
Pleased the crowds with his casual technique.
Each time he was gored,
He just acted bored,
Pausing only to plug up the leak.
--- Dean Walley P9007
For the last time he felt like a king.
With his sword out before him,
The bull he dared gore him.
It did. And he got his last fling.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Rode out with the hounds one fine day.
A quest quite incredible,
For the inedible,
By unspeakable gentry at play.
--- Arthur Deex P8307
Where they saw the mounts go through their paces.
But to their deep shame,
With no cash to their name,
They got home just with trousers and braces.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
You'll often find sexy young Clare,
Who puts smiles on the faces
Of losers of races,
When they see what she does with the hare.
--- Tiddy Ogg
'Round dog tracks he often would tarry;
The dog that did crap
In the show ring, he'd nap,
On the grounds it had less weight to carry.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Knew all about horse racing tricks.
Was your horse ever drugged?
His shoulders he shrugged;
"I've only once done it, for kicks."
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Who liked to go riding to hounds.
But her horses defected
Because they detected
A surplus of two hundred pounds.
--- Lims Unlimited
"I'm off to Great Yarmouth", said Pat.
"What to wear on my head
Is the problem." Jill said:
"Great Yarmouth? Gee, wear the fox hat."
--- Anon
Had for English fox-hunting an itch.
But he never would know
That one yells "Tallyho!"
Not "There goes the son-of-a-bitch!"
--- Warrick Elrod A
Then go out after dark to the playground;
And place all our bets,
But leave with regrets,
For choosing the slowest old greyhound.
--- Travis Brasell
Is not that old greyhound dog, Gus.
But rather the race
(It's more like a chase)
On streets with a slow Greyhound Bus.
--- Travis Brasell
Who said, "I should never have feared
That greyhounds would race
In this sanctified place,"
And every good cricketer cheered.
--- Archie
Quite often there're falls and some spills.
A horse comes to a fence;
The rider feels tense.
To get over, it takes all his skills.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
At Melbourne? I think that's the place.
Is there a worry
A Brit horse will scurry
Off with the Cup? A disgrace!
--- Tutta Gioia
Who was having a wonderful day.
He had a great morning
But then, without warning,
He bet on a horse named No-Way.
--- Anon
Should also learn to pray together.
'Cause if they horses play,
Together they'll stay
In case they lose their pay together.
--- Irving Superior P0800
As a tipster he oft liked to boast.
He'll be getting much thinner
Touting for his dinner;
His choices not first past the post!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Sprang lightly to the back of her horse.
As she found the stirrup,
She uttered a chirrup,
And then trotted off onto the course.
--- William K Alsop Jr
At the racetrack was not a good source
For an insider tip,
Since he'd frequently quip,
"Always bet the caliginous horse." (misty, dark, obscure)
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0509
Wet tracks seem to course through his blood.
Off his sire's best form,
He can race up a storm...
For his mudder could run in a flood.
--- Barbara Tepper
It's Big Johnson from Jockey Shorts pound-
ing. In front Merry Cherry,
But Conscience is very
Much lagging; he's dropped to the ground.
--- Anon
Merry Cherry is coming inside,
For the race now is humming --
Big Johnson is coming,
Within barely a length. What a ride!
--- Anon
Heavy Bosom has got in the way.
Now Bare Belly is crashin'
And taking down Passion-
ate Lady; I hope they're OK.
--- Anon
As big Johnson has made up his mind,
Merry Christmas to chase.
It's a helluva race,
As they come to the end of the line.
--- Peter Wilkins
Neck and neck. (It's Clean Sheets I surmise,
Which has stumbled.) Now Passion-
ate Lady is thrashin'
And whippin' Big Johnson; surprise!
--- Anon
But pulled out and fell back quite badly.
When Smarty Jones mounted
A challenge that counted
For naught. Birdstone thrust it home gladly.
--- Randog
Whose schlong hung right down past his toeses.
As a finish line trick,
He'd whip out his prick,
And win by a length (And two noses)!
--- Rick Limer T9711
And jockeys ride her around and back.
Then put her away,
Right there in the hay --
Forgive them for they have no tack.
--- Travis
Who went on a ride on a mare.
He said with a frown,
As he bounced up and down:
"I only did this on a dare."
--- Thomas A Ratliff P0305
The thought of it still makes me wince;
While riding my horse
I fell with remorse,
And snagged my nuts on a wire fence.
--- Travis Brasell
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