PLEASE DO NOT POST THESE, OR UN-ORIGINAL VARIANTS OF THESE, to alt.jokes.limericks. We've heard them before entirely too many times, and are heartily sick of them.
There once was a lad from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
"If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it."
There was a young lady from Dallas
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And her asshole at Buckingham Palace
There was an old hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave
He said, "I'll admit
I'm a bit of a shit,
But think of the money I save!"
There was a young fellow from Kent
Whose cock was so long that it bent
To save himself trouble
He put it in double
And instead of comming, he went
A lesbian bride and her groom
Asked a fairy up into their room
They spent the whole night
In a hell of a fight
As to who should do what, and to whom
There was a young priest from South Kings
Who preached about God and such things
But his secret desire
Was a boy in the choir
With an ass just like Jello on springs
There was a young fellow from Grasse
Whose balls were made out of brass
They tinkled together
And played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning shot out of his ass
There was a young fellow named Jean
Who invented a jerk-off machine
The fuckin' thing broke
On the twentieth stroke
And whipped both his balls to a cream
ALSO:
There was a young fellow named Jean
Built a GREAT masturbation machine
Concave or convex
It would fit either sex
But the thing was a bastard to clean
There was a young lady from France
Who hopped on a freight train by chance
The fireman fucked her
As did the conductor
And the brakeman shit in his pants
There was a young plumber of Leigh
Who was plumbing a maid by the sea.
Said the maid, "Cease your plumbing,
I hear someone coming."
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
There once was a lady from Wheeling
Who got a most wonderful feeling
So she lay on her back
Opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling
There once was a man from Belaire
Who was screwing his girl on the stair
The bannister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in midair
There once was a young man from Boston
Who tooled around town in an Austin
There was room for his ass
And a gallon of gas
But his balls hung way down and he lost 'em
There once was a fellow from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
Soon big tufts of grass
Grew out of his ass
And his balls were all covered with weeds
There was a young fellow named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner
At a quarter to nine
They started to dine
At a quarter to ten it was in her.
(The dinner, not Skinner; skinner was
in her BEFORE dinner.)