Mouldy Oldies

Limericks most commonly posted to AJL

Every couple of weeks or so some clown hears one of these classics for the first time, says "Wow!" and rushes to his computer to post it to alt.jokes.limericks, where it's already been posted eleven thousand times. Hence the following:

PLEASE DO NOT POST THESE, OR UN-ORIGINAL VARIANTS OF THESE, to alt.jokes.limericks. We've heard them before entirely too many times, and are heartily sick of them.

There once was a lad from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
"If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it."

There was a young lady from Dallas
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And her asshole at Buckingham Palace

There was an old hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave
He said, "I'll admit
I'm a bit of a shit,
But think of the money I save!"

There was a young fellow from Kent
Whose cock was so long that it bent
To save himself trouble
He put it in double
And instead of comming, he went

A lesbian bride and her groom
Asked a fairy up into their room
They spent the whole night
In a hell of a fight
As to who should do what, and to whom

There was a young priest from South Kings
Who preached about God and such things
But his secret desire
Was a boy in the choir
With an ass just like Jello on springs

There was a young fellow from Grasse
Whose balls were made out of brass
They tinkled together
And played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning shot out of his ass

There was a young fellow named Jean
Who invented a jerk-off machine
The fuckin' thing broke
On the twentieth stroke
And whipped both his balls to a cream


There was a young fellow named Jean
Built a GREAT masturbation machine
Concave or convex
It would fit either sex
But the thing was a bastard to clean

There was a young lady from France
Who hopped on a freight train by chance
The fireman fucked her
As did the conductor
And the brakeman shit in his pants

There was a young plumber of Leigh
Who was plumbing a maid by the sea.
Said the maid, "Cease your plumbing,
I hear someone coming."
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."

There once was a lady from Wheeling
Who got a most wonderful feeling
So she lay on her back
Opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling

There once was a man from Belaire
Who was screwing his girl on the stair
The bannister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in midair

There once was a young man from Boston
Who tooled around town in an Austin
There was room for his ass
And a gallon of gas
But his balls hung way down and he lost 'em

There once was a fellow from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
Soon big tufts of grass
Grew out of his ass
And his balls were all covered with weeds

There was a young fellow named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner
At a quarter to nine
They started to dine
At a quarter to ten it was in her.

(The dinner, not Skinner; skinner was
in her BEFORE dinner.)

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