195 199 Daily Ditty #200 201 210

#200  Saturday, 3 January 1998

On the label it said only "mild"
But the Chinaman's throat was defiled
When some wind later broke
He yelled, "Holy smoke!"
While his child, quite beguiled, only smiled

Then she giggled and said, "Holy smoke?
A cigarette, Dad, or a toke?
If you inhale
Through the hole in your tail
Will it give you lung cancer or stroke?"

Now this really got up the ire
Of this man whose behind was on fire
So he paddled the ass
Of the impudent lass
'Till it stung just as much as her sire

196 200 Daily Ditty #201 202 211

#201  Sunday, 4 January 1998

Tommy Jones has two balls, each eight oz.
And a penis that jiggles and boz.
The trouble is that
There's no meat, it's all fat
And instead of walking he floz.

197 201 Daily Ditty #202 203 212

#202  Monday, 5 Januray 1998

Bill Davis has barely one "
Yet from conquest he never did fl"
And it felt like a '
Because he would put
In an arm, or a leg in a p"

198 202 Daily Ditty #203 204 213

#203  Tuesday, 6 January 1998

It was Timmy's great pleasure to pound
His pud 'till the day he was found
By his mother while at it
She said, "Now let's chat; it
Seems wanton polluting the ground."

199 203 Daily Ditty #204 205 214

#204  Wednesday, 7 January 1998

Young Heidi would frolic with Peter
The goatherd, who found it was neater
Than goats boinking Heidi
Who kept it all tidy
By afterwards making him eat her

200 204 Daily Ditty #205 206 215

#205  Thursday, 8 January 1998

When the judge had the nympho exhumed,
Well, of course some foul play was assumed
What had everyone grossed
Was revealed by her ghost:
An affair with the judge had resumed

Moaned the ghost, "Though the judge is consumed
With a lust for some flesh well perfumed
It's his pecker that's dead;
He must get in his head
That a rise from the dead is foredoomed"

201 205 Daily Ditty #206 207 216

#206  Friday, 9 January 1998

The apostrophe piss's me off
Although I was taught by my prof
How to use it in "it's"
My use of it shit's
Causing youse guy's to snigger and scoff

202 206 Daily Ditty #207 208 217

#207  Saturday, 10 January 1998

Bill Clinton's against human cloning
"Moral vacuum," we hear ol' Bill groaning
(Well, he knows THAT first hand!)
They want HUMAN clones banned:
Are they CLINTON clones thereby condoning? 

Hey, Bill, let's keep things in proportion
Should a cloning produce some distortion
And the kid turns out mean
You can wipe the slate clean
With a post-partum, full-birth abortion

203 207 Daily Ditty #208 209 218

#208  Sunday, 11 January 1998

Ah, the magic of one-thirty-four
And the Yen:  Things went right through the floor
When the buck passed that low
More than ten years ago
And it seemed like the Japs won the war

That Friday the Dow lost two hundred
I bet two hundred more but I blundered:
It lost half a K
By late on Monday
The support levels all had been sundered

Well, the dollar kept going on down
For a while Uncle Sam played the clown
'Till the Yen cost a penny
A disaster to many
Yet somehow the Dow didn't drown ...

Now the movement has had a reversal
And is playing macabre rehearsal
The Yen is once more
Around one-thirty-four
Going DOWN in a gloom universal

Last Friday the Dow lost two hundred
I've bet NOTHING, in case you have wondered;
But I feel, it is true,
A strange deju vu
While my 401K's being plundered

204 208 Daily Ditty #209 210 219

#209  Monday, 12 January 1998

On Monday a huge horny spider
Found Miss Muffet and sat down beside her
With eight legs for foreplay
He soon got his way --
Hunting crabs from a lair up inside her

205 209 Daily Ditty #210 211 220

#210  Tuesday, 13 January 1998

Kitty's boyfriend, Bill, knocked up the cat
Of her daughter, a six-year-old brat
Who sold tickets to see
What the offspring would be
Kitty's kiddy's kiddy-kitty kitty quickly grew fat

206 210 Daily Ditty #211 212 221

#211  Wednesday, 14 January 1998

The great lion tamer, Ms Chung
Had sex with her charges while young
The kids are like her
Except that they purr
And drink milk with the back of their tongue

207 211 Daily Ditty #212 213 222

#212  Thursday, 15 January 1998

The cannibal cooks were all toiling
Over pots that were roiling and boiling
'Till a victim said "Sir,
I think I'd prefer
Either frying or roasting or broiling."

Said the cannibal chef, "You're no Friar,
And you're British, you're bound to be drier
Than would seem good to me.
How about fricassee
Or rotisserie with a low fire?"

"Sir, I think it would be a lot slicker
If you'd baste me in herbs and fine liquor,
Then leave me to stew
For an hour or two,
There's no reason for eating me quicker."

At last the chef's patience wore thin:
"I'll not boil you!" he swore with a grin
So they basted this guy
Then nuked him on "HIGH"   
Though this method did not brown the skin

208 212 Daily Ditty #213 214 223

#213  Friday, 16 January 1998

While swimming an eel breached her tights,
Now lives in her and peps up her nights
It causes no pain
And she doesn't complain --
But her beaux do, the fuckin' thing BITES!

209 213 Daily Ditty #214 215 224

#214  Saturday, 17 January 1998

On Thursday a man attacked Heidi
Which she thought both uncouth and untidy
So she laundered his tool
With Lestoil and steel wool
Leaving only a stump by late Friday

210 214 Daily Ditty #215 216 225

#215  Sunday, 18 January 1998

Ted Kaczynski, 'tis said, has no peer
Writing limericks the envy of Lear
With great brilliance imbued
(If perhaps slightly skewed)
Why isn't he posting them here?

211 215 Daily Ditty #216 217 226

#216  Monday, 19 January 1998

Little Eva was quite a nice girl
'Till a lecher took her for a whirl
He teased and beguiled her
And finally defiled her
-- All of this just to watch her toes curl

212 216 Daily Ditty #217 218 227

#217  Tuesday, 20 January 1998

A Lesbian one day was had
By a vampire, which wasn't so bad
For the offspring liked blood
Sucked from pussy or pud
And her bite merely tingled a tad

213 217 Daily Ditty #218 219 228

#218  Wednesday, 21 January 1998

[NEWS ITEM: Bill Clinton's attorney,
 Robert Bennett, concerning allegations
 Bill misbehaved with a former White
 House intern: "I smell a rat," he
 told reporters]

Bob Bennett says he smells a rat
Well, there isn't much doubt about that
His statement rings true
Because I smell one too
And the White House is right where it's at

214 218 Daily Ditty #219 220 229

#219  Thursday, 22 January 1998

25th anniversary of Roe vs. Wade
Supreme Court Decision

Let's hear it for Roe vs. Wade!
Now us lechers can safely get laid
With no need to support 'em
We merely abort 'em
And rich doctors get handsomely paid

215 219 Daily Ditty #220 221 230

#220  Friday, 23 January 1998

JFK we all knew was a masher
Tricky Dick was a Watergate crasher
Some people who fussed
When HST cussed
Now are cussing our nation's First Flasher

216 220 Daily Ditty #221 222 231

#221  Saturday, 24 January 1998

Sweet sixteen and she's never been kissed
And yet with the flick of her wrist
She does marvelous tricks
With the flabbiest pricks
Leaving rivals all jealously pissed

217 221 Daily Ditty #222 223 232

#222  Sunday, 25 January 1998

Her face will not launch any fleets
Her figure's been ruined by sweets
She's much older than me
But I'll keep her, you see,
For the things that she does 'twixt the sheets

218 222 Daily Ditty #223 224 233

#223  Monday, 26 January 1998

I called an old ghoul-friend, Miss Wall
Who was cooking when she took my call
She wasn't specific,
Said her meal was terrific,
And she told me she's having a ball

219 223 Daily Ditty #224 225 234

#224  Tuesday, 27 January 1998

The White House is great and it's evident
That a lot can be learned from its resident
If you practice your drawl
And no morals at all
Maybe someday you too can be President!

220 224 Daily Ditty #225 226 235

#225  Wednesday, 28 January 1998

Mrs. C., like her hubby, is sly
Feigns amazement we'd pick on her guy
She says it is silly
To distrust Slick Willy
Just because of this one teentsy lie

"CONSPIRACY!" Hillary cries
"The fault of those right-winger guys!"
(Right-ringers want GORE???
Good Lord, tell me more!
Must be pinkos in right-wing disguise)

If ridicule you would avoid,
Mrs. C., please don't be paranoid
Just accept it's high time
Willy paid for SOME crime
Of the many whose fruits you've enjoyed

221 225 Daily Ditty #226 227 236

#226  Thursday, 29 January 1998

Don't worry, good fans of Ol' Billy
This talk of impeachment is silly
When just two years old
(Or so I've been told)
Even Mom couldn't pin things on Willie

(Most topics I try to avoid
That smell of the trashy tabloid
But though posters galore
Have gone on before
Here's one thread I've really enjoyed!)

222 226 Daily Ditty #227 228 237

#227  Friday, 30 January 1998

In the land once the home of the brave
George Washington turns in his grave
For the people don't care
How their leaders got there
Or the glory or vices they crave

*****

The announcement went straight to my head
"We will publish your limerick," it said
I felt honored to get
In that great Pentatette --
Damned thing was in Penthouse instead!

*****

If this posting goes out more than once
Please refrain, guys, from calling me "Dunce!"
It isn't all me,
It's my damned ISP,
They've been screwing me up now for months

223 227 Daily Ditty #228 229 238

#228  Saturday, 31 January 1998

alt.jokes.limericks is now too obsessed
With Bill Clinton, which leaves me distressed
For it's surely a waste
And a lowering in taste
From our usual stuff (like incest) 

(Slick Willie's a son of AK
Where the boys all like rolls in the hay
With their sisters and daughters
And piggy hindquarters
Beating all you can get there for pay)

*****

My ISP's now a black hole
Where my postings, no matter how droll
Just plain disappear
Could someone not near
Send some e-mail -- say from the South Pole?

224 228 Daily Ditty #229 230 239

#229  Sunday, 1 February 1998
LITTLE WILLIE

Li'l Willie, his eye out for gore
Nailed Sister right onto the floor
"Don't mar the paint!"
With wry humor quaint
His mother yelled in from the door

Li'l Willie pushed dear sister Nell
Right into our one drinking well
Still there 'cause it kilt her
We now use a filter
And hope one day soon we can sell

Li'l Willie is writing a text
Which has feminists everywhere vexed
The cover's a beaut!
Ain't Willie real cute?
(One might think that our boy's over sexed)

Li'l Willie, when just turning nine,
Got into his grandfather's wine
His mom yelled, "You're plastered!
You damned little booze hound,
Go out now and sleep with the swine!"

Li'l Willie, while porking a pig
Found his weenie a little too big
It developed a list,
A lopsided twist,
Which it bears to this day as his sig

225 229 Daily Ditty #230 231 240

#230  Monday, 2 February 1998
A girl in New York named Miss Grace
Lined her pussy with satins and lace
"If you must eat in style,"
She said with a smile,
"I maintain a most elegant place."

226 230 Daily Ditty #231 232 241

#231  Tuesday, 3 February 1998

Of a girl that I know in Hoboken
Only few words, and softly, are spoken
By a group of ten men
Who attacked her, and then
Crawled away with ten penises broken

227 231 Daily Ditty #232 233 242

#232  Wednesday, 4 February 1998

On Fire Island stood Jerry and Davey
Observing the waters so wavy
"Wath THAT boat, dear Jerry?"
"Why, dear, that's a ferry
boat."  "Gracious! We now have a navy?"

228 232 Daily Ditty #233 234 243

#233 Thursday, 5 February 1998

In Brooklyn it's, "Moider da bum!"
And choice phrases quite nasty in some
Sort of English - abused -
And the finger most used
Most assuredly isn't the thumb

229 233 Daily Ditty #234 235 244

#234 Friday, 6 February 1998

In Manhattan the cabbies are rude
The graffiti lascivious and lewd
Shopkeepers are mean
And if you are green
You can bet that you're sure to get screwed

230 234 Daily Ditty #235 236 245

#235 Saturday, 7 February 1998

One part of New York is called Flushing;
Now I don't hear everyone rushing
To joke about this
But it DOES smell like piss
And things I can't say without blushing

231 235 Daily Ditty #236 237 246

#235  Sunday, 8 February 1998

Miss Liberty stands in the bay
And seems to have little to say
She seems so forlorn
A bit weathered and worn
While Big Brother is having HIS day

232 236 Daily Ditty #237 238 247

#237  Monday, 9 February 1998

When your topic you know inexactly
Just be sure to speak matter-of-factly
You can be pretty sure
If your subject's obscure
That most people's response is, "Exactly!"

233 237 Daily Ditty #238 239 248

#238  Tuesday, 10 February 1998

At a fence, trying sex exercises,
Bill tried knotholes of various sizes
A goose, thinking "Worm!"
Got a beak full of sperm --
Ain't life just chock-full of surprises?

234 238 Daily Ditty #239 240 249

#239  Wednesday, 11 February 1998

A fellow once lived in the sticks
Who was born with three separate pricks
He could not, though no dunce,
Get off all three at once
Though he tried to with many young chicks

One time while attempting to screw
Three girls at a time he withdrew
From the one in the center
While starting to enter
The pussies of girls three and two

This result of this multiple screwing
Was confusion that proved his undoing
Between coming and going
He ended not knowing
What each of his three tools was doing

The result, I am sad to relate
Was withdrawal from all three too late
Each shot found its mark
Up inside where it's dark
Which came first, though, is up for debate    

The upshot of this shooting is clear:
Two girls and a son he holds dear
But what fate had in stock
For each girl was a shock:
Three pussies, two front and one rear

235 239 Daily Ditty #240 241 250

#240  Thursday, 12 February 1998

King John, from his throne in the palace
Employed such a marvelous phallus
That he diddled three slaves
Six maids and two knaves
And serenely sipped wine from a chalice

236 240 Daily Ditty #241 242 251

#241  Friday, 13 February 1998

This year we are having it thrice
In eight weeks we are having it twice
If you're superstitious
'98's inauspicious
Be careful, don't walk on thin ice

237 241 Daily Ditty #242 243 252

#242  Saturday, 14 February 1998

This Valentine thing makes me sick
A candy-and-card merchants trick
This stuff about cupid
's insipid and stupid
All a man wants is pleasing his prick

238 242 Daily Ditty #243 244 253

#243  Sunday, 15 February 1998

The limerick's the work of the Devil
Who tempts us and leads us to revel
In all sorts of sin
And attempts to get in
And dealings not quite on the level

239 243 Daily Ditty #244 245 254

#244  Monday, 16 February 1998 

A flasher who lived for surprise
Showed an old lady his prize
And was taken aback
When told, "Jack, put it back,
These old eyes have seen many that size."

240 244 Daily Ditty #245 246 255

#245  Tuesday, 17 February 1998

A flasher who lived in the woods
Tried to stun two young girls with his goods
They just giggled and pointed,
Said, "We're disappointed,
It's dinky, not like Hollywood's!"

241 245 Daily Ditty #246 247 256

#246  Wednesday, 18 February 1998

I think that the truth is quite plain:
They say we will "punish Hussein"
But in fact we'll just test
The newest and best
Ways to kill and inflict the most pain

Some feel that our Prez has been slandered,
That to sleaze-thirst the media's pandered
But I'm at a loss
Why a Mafia boss
Would be held to a far higher standard

242 246 Daily Ditty #247 248 257

#247  Thursday, 19 February 1998

A horny, misguided Westphalian
Once tried to make love to an alien
It said, "Dude, I can't hear,
Get that out of my ear:
Use my nose if you're q'xxr or mammalian

243 247 Daily Ditty #248 249 258

#248  Friday, 20 February 1998

A strangely perverted old alien
Made love to a pretty Westphalian
Who remarked, "Boy, that's neat!
With two tongues on your meat
You're more fun than an outback Australian!"

244 248 Daily Ditty #249 250 259

#249  Saturday, 21 February 1998

A lecher who lurked in the loo
Tried to teach two young ladies to screw
But together they beat him
And chose to secrete him
Below in two feet of prime poo

245 249 Daily Ditty #250 251 260

#250  Sunday, 22 February 1998

In my old age I've mastered a trick
That pleases the ladies real quick
I've developed a quake
That makes my limbs shake
And extends to the end of my prick

246 250 Daily Ditty #251 252 261

#251  Monday, 23 February 1998

As the cheese-lover shook himself free
From a pile of tornado debris
He said, "Jesus, what gas
Musta shot from my ass,
That's the last time I try that French Brie!"

*****

The Pentagon's sure disappointed
Now the time is at hand they'd appointed
To try out their toys
On real girls and boys
The Joint Chiefs of Staff are disjointed

247 251 Daily Ditty #252 253 262

#252  Tuesday, 24 February 1998

"Hallelujah!" he sang, "I'm a bum!
And I travel the world on my thumb
The cops hate me, I think,
I don't bathe and I stink,
Yet I still make the girls I screw come!"

248 252 Daily Ditty #253 254 263

#253  Wednesday, 25 February 1998

"Hallelujah!" he yelled, "I'm a preacher!
God's servant, and what's more, a teacher
Helping young girls invent
Sins they can repent
Which I think is a very nice feature."

249 253 Daily Ditty #254 255 264

#254  Thursday, 26 February 1998

I look forward to summer: It's grand!
With the ocean, the sun and the sand
And toothsome young lasses
With nearly bare asses
I bet that I get some, off hand

250 254 Daily Ditty #255 256 265

#255 Friday, 27 February 1998

The Krauts make a very fine brew
The Frauleins are "prima!" to screw
I learned over there
That it's okay to swear,
But be careful to whom you say, "du!"

251 255 Daily Ditty #256 257 266

#256 Saturday, 28 February 1998

A lesbian lady from Leeds
Once swallowed a packet of seeds
In hopes something would grow
Where no man could go
But all of her offspring were weeds

252 256 Daily Ditty #257 258 267

#257  Sunday, 1 March 1998

The curious lad in the bath
Asked his cousin, "What ith that you hath
Instead of a wiener?"
She answered, "It's keener,
My mommy says that's Heaven's Path."

Then he asked her, "Well, how do you pee?"
So she showed him: "It comes out here, see?"
Some more exploration
Proved such a sensation
That both soon were shrieking with glee

Said Sally, "Boy, this sure is fun!"
Mused Tommy, "It lookth like a bun
That starts in the rear,
Goes clear up to HERE ... "
And a new round of tickling was done

At last Sally said, "We're all done."
But Tommy insisted, "More fun!"
'Till Sally yelled, "Mommy!
Please come and make Tommy
Pull his wiener back out of my bun!"
 
*****

I leave it to you if this bath
Was the cause of much parental wrath
But his Mom heard Tom mumble
"Aunt Thue doesn't grumble
When Dad takeths her Heavenly Path."

253 257 Daily Ditty #258 259 268

#258  Monday, 2 March 1998

Lake Lucerne has a brand-new brothel
Where the business is run very well
When I started to pay
In my usual way
Said the cashier, "There's no way in Hell!

"Staid British can pay by the pound
Canadian credit is sound
The Indian Rupee
Is good for some whoopee
And the Kroner's as good as is found

"You can pay with the Swiss or French Franc
We change Deutsche marks for them at the bank
You'll be welcomed again
If you pay us in Yen
Even Pesos we'll take from a Yank

"Master Charge can be used in this place,
We take gold from the old 'Master Race'
We'll gladly take Visa
From a native of Pizza,
Discover from aliens from space

"Rough Russians can cause us distress,
Italians can leave quite a mess,
But you Yankees are cursed,
You don't care who comes first,
So we don't take American Express!"

254 258 Daily Ditty #259 260 269

#259  Tuesday, 3 March 1998

In the steeple Jan thought we'd be free
Of observance, but afterwards we
Got a standing ovation
From the whole congregation
Who'd watched on closed circuit TV

255 259 Daily Ditty #260 261 270

#260  Wednesday, 4 March 1998

I was plumbing a young nun's interior
When in walked the Mother Superior
With a grimmest of smiles
She said, "If you have piles
Pray the Bishop finds you most inferior ..."

256 260 Daily Ditty #261 262 271

#261  Thursday, 5 March 1998

For homework my daughter must see
If she can do her pedigree
Which is truly unfair,
Other kids think she's square
'Cause there's branches in our family tree

257 261 Daily Ditty #262 263 272

#262  Friday, 6 March 1998

Is this country the greatest, or what?
Our Presidents tell us a lot:
Some heroes, a charmer,
A fine peanut farmer,
And a slick connoisseur of young twat

258 262 Daily Ditty #263 264 273

#263  Saturday, 7 March 1998

The alien seemed such a hunk
She invited it into her bunk
But it wasn't a phallus
That slid into Alice:
It deposited EGGS 'stead of gunk

259 263 Daily Ditty #264 265 274

#264  Sunday, 8 March 1998

Says my little one, "Please make a ditty
About Lucy, my cute little kitty!"
Well, the problem is that
I think "Pussy," not "Cat"
And find "kitty" less witty than "titty"

Well, there's lots of things rhyming with "kitty"
And a limerick need not be too pretty
So I couldn't think why
I'd not give it a try
I hope these are sufficiently witty:

While visiting Sal in the city
She said, "Come up and look at my kitty!"
You can guess my surprise
When the damned thing had eyes,
Drank milk, had sharp teeth, and smelled shitty!

At the jail the boys formed a committee
With fifty-five bucks in the kitty
To sneak in a whore
For an hour or more:
At that price would you bet she was pretty?

Said the little girl, "Look at my kitty!
She's so soft, and so gentle and pretty
And her tongue is so rough
Just a little's enough
When I get her to lick on my clitty"

Let's all take a moment to pity
Poor Clarence, whose face was so zitty
When he walked through the doors
Of a house full of whores
He heard, "Someone, quick! Grease up the kitty!"

Could it be that that guy, Walter Mitty
Once dreamed of a woman named Kitty
With boobs out to here
And voluptuous rear --
Got in real life not even a bitty?

*****

Now, finally let's talk about Lucy:
The truth is a whole lot less juicy
For the real nitty-gritty
Is this tomcat's no "kitty"
But Lucifer, " -- better'n you, see?"  

260 264 Daily Ditty #265 266 275

#265  Monday, 9 March 1998

In the army they say it's no trifle:
You must know your gun from your rifle
You must learn the rule
For the use of each tool
If your Sergeant won't tell you, your wife'l

261 265 Daily Ditty #266 267 276

#266  Tuesday, 10 March 1998

The skydiving novice, Miss Crandall
On a tandem jump pulled the wrong handle
The instructor, in pain,
Soon deployed the main
But he still had one bad "roaring candle"


(Does anyone here have a clue
'Bout those parachute terms? Hope you do;
And if so please feel free
To explain them to me
As well as the rest of the crew)

262 266 Daily Ditty #267 268 277

#267  Wednesday, 11 March 1998

Our Les, all alone in his garden
Had a strange, telepathic good hard'n
His surprise grew no greater
When two minutes later
In walked the most lovely Miss Arden

Frank next arrived with his cow
And proceeded to demonstrate how
A session with Bess
Can be not a bit less
Of a hit than that German's Jungfrau

Our next was a guest who'd instill us
With pride in our verse: Mr. Willis
(Al's made Pentatette
And likes pretty girls yet
And can show us some tricks that would kill us)

Mr malo, that surly curmudgeon
Arrived with his nail studded bludgeon
He adroitly hammers
On idiots and spammers
And carries a permanent grudge on

Any chance that this party was failin'
Blew away when in blew Ms Kaylin
Then Peter dropped in
With a lovely named Lynn
And a Faerie jumped over the railin'    

Shagnasty just sauntered on by
I never have figured that guy
He posts lots of verse
(Of which I've seen worse)
And no one takes notice: So, WHY?  

Paar Swensen, what happened to him?
He used to do limericks with vim
His fine verbal fencing
Had some of us sensing
Our chance to beat him was quite slim

The orgy gained momentum when
Some newbies, escorted by Jen
Dropped their drawers in a pile
And wearing a smile
Picked a partner or two - maybe ten ...

Some others were present as well
(You know who you were raising hell)
What you were doing
'S more naughty than screwing
(But I tell you that I'll never tell!)

Yours truly was there all along
In the corner just suckin' his bong
And watching the snatches
And sniffing damp patches
And dreaming up words for this song

263 267 Daily Ditty #268 269 278

#268  Thursday, 12 March 1998

The beauty awoke from a dream
About Mom at home making whipped cream
'Stead of lickin' a beater
The real lickin' was sweeter
Bringing pleasure a bit more extreme

264 268 Daily Ditty #269 270 279

#269  Friday, 13 March 1998

We'd read that whipped cream is devine
So my partner spread lots onto mine
But I shrank from the task
When I heard, "Baked Alask
a", for that's where I still draw the line!

*****

Yeah, I know that it's really meringue
But I still don't want that on my thang
   Ah, but -- 2 69!
   THERE'S a number real fine,
How should I have used that one, Gang?

265 269 Daily Ditty #270 271 280

#270  Saturday, 14 March 1998

When I said, "I've an hour and a half,"
The madam just started to laugh
She said, "At our rates
You must be Bill Gates
Or you'll settle for Les Stewart's calf"

266 270 Daily Ditty #271 272 281

#271  Sunday, 15 March 1998

The lawyer worked on my behalf:
"We'll share the award half and half."
I thought, "Half for me!"
But he thought differently:
Half for him, and half for his staff!

267 271 Daily Ditty #272 273 282

#272  Monday, 16 March 1998

An actor from Brent, Alabama
Screwed a calf in one act of a drama
Maybe that is the rage
But she was underage
So they slung the guy's ass in the slamma

268 272 Daily Ditty #273 274 283

#273  Tuesday, 17 March 1998

As the teen-agers romped on the couch
The girl cried out, suddenly, "Ouch!"
Both kids are disgusted
Her cherry was busted
And as parents they both are a grouch

269 273 Daily Ditty #274 275 284

#274  Wednesday, 18 March 1998

Ain't it strange there's so many abusing
The spammers?  Why, some folks are choosing
To limit their rights!
(Aligning gun sights
On their gourds could be just as amusing)

Some people who're bent on perusing
The net are simply refusing
To accept that this slime
Just goes with a time
When our mores get very confusing

Of what crime are you bent on accusing
These snot balls who simply are using
The net for their ends?
(If they have any friends
Hope they poison 'em while they are snoozing)

Their crime is quite simply misusing
The net, and I sit here just musing
About coexistence
(Could I have your assistance
On thrashing the trash 'til they're oozing?)

Next time when you go out a-boozing
Take a spammer along 'stead of cruising
(Find a burly truck driver
And slip him a fiver
To help give the pig snot a bruising)

270 274 Daily Ditty #275 276 285

#275  Thursday, 19 March 1998

The way of a man with a maid
Will lead her from virgin to cra-
dle:  God's marvelous plan
Starts on the divan
With a guy who just wants to get laid

271 275 Daily Ditty #276 277 286

$276 Friday, 20 March 1998

In spring a man's fancies turn naughty
Even ladies prim, proper and haughty
Are the aim of his lust
So if he gains their trust
He oughtn't refuse 'em, now ought he?

272 276 Daily Ditty #277 278 287

#277  Saturday, 21 March 1998

Penthouse party was barely a'borning
Jack went over the edge without warning
He mused during his fall
"I doubt I'll recall
A thing about this in the morning."

273 277 Daily Ditty #278 279 288

#278  Sunday, 22 March 1998

LBJ raised his dog by the ears,
Causing wrath, consternation and tears;
Now if Clinton kicks his
The amazing thing is
His ratings will go up for years!

274 278 Daily Ditty #279 280 289

#279  Monday, 23 March 1998

I dismiss with a lofty distain
Any talk of hemorrhoidial pain
'Till I get sodomized
By those IRS guys
Who are worse than ol' Saddam Hussein

275 279 Daily Ditty #280 281 290

#280  Tuesday, 24 March 1998

I was green but red-faced it is true
When she said, "You are yellow if you
Won't play, 'cause I'll sure pull
Your dick 'till it's purple
If you beat me 'till I'm black and blue"

276 280 Daily Ditty #281 282 291

#281  Wednesday, 25 March 1998

As I mused about purple and orange
Rhyming both in one verse grew less foreign
Just thinking I'd sure pull
A coupe rhyming purple
plus orange swung me like a door hinge

****

[Writing this crashed WinDOZE 95!
The TRUTH, sure as I am alive!
(Hey, Bill! Are you lurking?
Get your crew back to working,
I'm sick of this crash-and-burn jive) ]

****

[Again - any opinions on how to parse out
"foreign Just" so as to preserve both the
visual and aural requirements of a limerick?]

277 281 Daily Ditty #282 283 292

#282  Thursday, 26 March 1998

"Global Warming" shouts a page from the printer
Of the mainstream, but my group (a "splinter")
Thinks such worries are strange
When we can arrange
For a quick fix called "Nuclear Winter"

278 282 Daily Ditty #283 284 293

#283  Friday, 27 March 1998

A girl, clever author of limericks,
Went in search of some longer but slimmer pricks
Simultaneously
To have not only me
But a dozen or more younger, trimmer pricks

279 283 Daily Ditty #284 285 294

#284  Saturday, 28 March 1998

A Scotsman named Larry had foreskin
Consisting of one yard or more skin
When he skinned the thing back
There fell out of that sack
Sheep turds and some scales from a whore's skin

[From an old toast]

The birdies all do it and fly
The bees copulate and then die
The doggies all do it
And usually stick to it
So why not, my dear, you and I?

280 284 Daily Ditty #285 286 295

#285  Sunday, 29 March 1998

It saddens me when people grumble
'Bout Texans, and I hear 'em mumble
How we ain't so smart
But what sets us apart
Is we're so endearing and humble

281 285 Daily Ditty #286 287 296

#286  Monday, 30 March 1998

It saddens me when people say
Nasty things 'bout the U. S. of A.
Our leaders may suck
But we have the luck
To muddle on through anyway

282 286 Daily Ditty #287 288 297

#287  Tuesday, 31 March 1998

Well I really must say I am irked;
Having heard how the oyster has perked
Up men's peckers I ate
Twenty-four for one date -
But I swear only six of them worked

283 287 Daily Ditty #288 289 298

#288  Wednesday, 1 April 1998

The teenager straight out of school
Came and teased 'till I started to drool
As I started to top her
She said, "Hey, look! A copper!"
Then she giggled and squealed, "April Fool!"

284 288 Daily Ditty #289 290 299

#289  Thursday, 2 April 1998

Dick, when rebuffed by young Helen,
Soothed his prick in a warm watermelon*
Spying this the young lass
Kicked him square in the ass
So hard that it split and he fell in


*Do not knock what you've never tried.

Corollary: Avoid watermelons with
obvious blemishes.

285 289 Daily Ditty #290 291 300

#290  Friday, 3 April 1998

The knight had his hopes set on snaggin'
The damsel by baggin' the dragon
But the dragon moved first
Turned our boy into wurst
Now the dragon will do all the braggin'

286 290 Daily Ditty #291 292 301

#291  Saturday, 4 April 1998

Said Jack, as he crawled into bed
"It isn't the headache I dread,
The tongue that is furry,
My better half's fury:
It's the things that they'll say that I said."

287 291 Daily Ditty #292 293 302

#292  Sunday, 5 April 1998

Every insult I've heard surely fails
That the story of Easter entails:
Can you possibly beat,
"Please cross your feet,
It's too bad but there's only three nails?"

288 292 Daily Ditty #293 294 303

#293  Monday, 6 April 1998

At Calvary someone, just maybe
Named Agustus or Caesar or Abey
(There seems little doubt
An insensitive lout)
shouted out, "Hey, hang in there, baby!"

289 293 Daily Ditty #294 295 304

#294  Tuesday, 7 April 1998

A Nazi (now dead) I once knew
To her dastardly creed still held true
She gave us all fits
Making up Easter kits:
Rusty nails, two-by-fours, and a Jew

290 294 Daily Ditty #295 296 305

#295  Wednesday, 8 April 1998

Pontius Pilate came under attack
Kenneth Starr's on a parallel track
THEN the public outcry
Was a loud "Crucify!"
NOW it's, "Aw, won'tcha get off'a his back!"

291 295 Daily Ditty #296 297 306

#296  Thursday, 9 April 1998

From arrest to his final demise
Took less time than sunrise to sunrise:
Jesus Christ cut no deals,
Ran through several appeals
Though the outcome was not a surprise

What advances we've made since that time!
Now those guilty of heinous crime
Are assured several years
While judicial gears
Grind through evidence not worth a dime

292 296 Daily Ditty #297 298 307

#297  Friday, 10 April 1998

In a whisper Christ spoke, nearly dead;
Not to miss any word that He said
The disciple drew near:
"John ... from up here ...
I can make out the roof of your shed"

293 297 Daily Ditty #298 299 308

#298  Saturday, 11 April 1998

Easter Bunny got into the shed
With my flop-eared Angora, pure-bred
There'll be no eggs this Easter,
I shot off his keister;
Nor kielbasa, there's rabbit instead

294 298 Daily Ditty #299 300 309

#299  Easter Sunday, 12 April 1998

They came, found the rock rolled away,
Then they wailed in chagrin and dismay
With no proof of demise
They could only surmise
There's no way the insurance would pay