Archie's FAQ

So, welcome to our online home,
Tho' from here we often do roam,
But while we are here
There's something we fear -
A posting that's like a prose tome!

A lim has five lines in its length
Its rhythm is much of its strength
Its subjects are crude
(And can be quite rude) -
Some rhymes can be made up, like brength!

(Tho' it helps if those odd words are
Translatable into plain jar-
gon.  Not just nonsense
And making no sense -
Using real words sometimes is much simplar.

The Rhyming Pattern:-

The rhymes must be placed just right - so
The pattern's tight - here's how it should go -
a,a,b,b,a
None other's OK -
But the words can be twisted like dough!

The Rhythm:-

Now what is the rhythm we need?
Anapests are what we want to read
That is "dih dih DAH".
It's better by far
Than a "dih DAH dih DAH dih DAH" iambic weed!

So how does a limerick go?
It's here, if you're in the know.
Just follow the guide
(of the mark it's not wide)
And soon all your lims they will glow!

dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH dih
dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH-dih
dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH
dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH
dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH dih

(A honeymoon couple named Kelly
Spent their honeymoon belly to belly,
Because in their haste,
They used library paste
In the place of petroleum jelly.)

The smallest lim possible follows
Exact and having no hollows
They can't be smaller -
Some are and they failler -
The goodun's are writ by smart fellas!

dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH
dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH
dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH
dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH
dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH

That SHIRT looks beCOMing on YOU
BeCOMing inDEED is the VIEW
But, IF, like your VEST
'Twas I on your CHEST,
I'd CERtainly BE coming TOO!

(Thinks to himself -

"An imPORTant PART of LIMing -"

 - That doesn't quite scan like it should - 
 - Let's see if we can fix it real good

"A VERy imPORTant part of LIMming

 - "No that is not right - it is wrong!
 - I'll change some more words till it's strong!

(Look, Never be shy of a word
Drop syllab's if not too absurd
The next one's too fill
Unless we use "Syl"
In place of the fullerish word!)

A VERy imPORTant lim RULE
A-BOUT hanging SYL's - they are COOL
you can WRITE them out HERE
Or E'EN at the END, hear?
When RYthm's lost, YOU are a FOOL!

Final word on Syllables:-

So you juggle and fiddle around
Till you finally get the right sound
So min - thirty four
And max - forty nine
In these, your lim tale must be found!

Subjects:-

The older type lims were quite dirty
So here we are often limflirty
But subjects obscure
Like a Politic cure
Can sometimes be seen to be purty!

If you're doing a test of your server
Then of anapests we are deserver
At "Test" we all burst
We'll threaten your wurst
And flame you cos you're just a perver(t)

And spammers are not welcome either
>From them we demand a just tither
If you spam us with lims
You might keep your glims -
To join us, just pay us a fiver!

But lims are supposed to be funny
Like, when you are screwing your honey
And up in the air
A bee sees you there -
And stings you right on your bummy!

Always re-read!!!!!

I reread it, and no, it's not right
The rhythm is nowhere near tight
Too many of these,
They'll think I'm a sleaze -
Their yells will then give me a fright -

(thinks -.... - of course - that last line is easily fixed -)

"And stings you right on your bare bummy!"

So enjoy your stay in our home
Don't be shy and lurk on your own
Limming is easy
(It can be quite sleazy)
Just join us - the seeds we have sown!

Back to alt.jokes.limericsk page