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There once was a girl from Albania.
Diagnosis? Klept-nymphomania.
She'd want to restrain ya,
Then drain ya, and brain ya,
And steal your pocket miscellanea.
--- Ericka

That larcenous nympho, Albanian,
Had a gem of a sis, Transylvanian,
Who loved to give neck
But head? She said, "Eck!
No meat! I am strictly plasmanian."
--- Tutta Gioia

Pulled over for making a right
And not stopping, complete, at the light,
The officer musta
Been meeting his quota,
Or not seen the new Donut site.
--- Anon

So to court, and I'll have to miss work
A days worth because of the jerk
who looks like "Sipowitz"
And has got bigger tits
Than his wife, the county court clerk.
--- Anon

Said the young thug, about injured nurse,
"Judge, my action was not that perverse.
I meant her no harm
When I broke her arm,
But she wouldn't let got of the purse!"
--- Elaine

But the judge said, "I do not believe
T'was the purse that you tried to retrieve.
For as evidence here
Is that nurse's brassiere --
What tricks have you now up your sleeve?"
--- Elaine

Said the thug, "You're right, Judge, I got caught;
The purse was just an afterthought.
The brassiere I did take,
'Cause I thought it would make
A great double-barreled slingshot!"
--- Elaine

Its great to be let out of jail.
Though feeling, and looking quite pale,
I'll soon get some colour,
When my tum's a bit fuller,
With food and a few pint's of ale!
--- HoorayHenry

And then when the bromides wear off,
You'll be like a pig at a trough,
Taking every chance
To drop down your pants
In the hopes of having a boff.
--- Archie

The sad prison bell was a-clanging;
The chaplain was mournfully banging
On 'bout mankind's sins,
While Governor Flynn
Thought: "Almost it's time for the hanging."
--- Tiddy Ogg

A sudden strange silence befalls,
The crowd who lives in those grim walls.
A screw from that jail
Is hammering a nail,
Then "Ready now, guv'nor!" he calls.
--- Tiddy Ogg

A signal is given, the cord
Pulls tautly, all stand there enthralled,
At the ugly grimace
On that mis-shapen face;
The witnesses stand open-jawed.
--- Tiddy Ogg

They stood thus, their mouths open wide;
At last though, the chief warder cried,
"An expert I ain't,
But that fellow can paint!
'Tis a wonderful pic of your bride."
--- Tiddy Ogg

I stopped in the town, parked my bike,
When this woman cop came, mean old shrike.
"You can't park that here
The signs are quite clear."
I think the old bitch was a dyke...
--- Anon

'Cause while she was writing the ticket,
I pulled out my rod, "Here gal, lick it.
And there's no windshield see,
So can I go free?"
But that bitch soon found somewhere to stick it.
--- Anon

If it's a gal officer, and he knows her,
It might work, if he unzips his closure --
But, unless he is gay,
A male officer may
Charge him with indecent exposure!
--- Anon

For week after week I had lusted
For young Sarah Mae, and I trusted
When I got a chance
To get into her pants,
Her cherry'd be there to be busted.
--- John Miller

Last night, Sarah Mae was entrusted
To babysit here. I adjusted
My plans, with some guile,
To stay home a while,
"To polish a tool that has rusted."
--- John Miller

My wife, who's no fool, was disgusted
But giving a sniff, out she gusted;
With kids soon in bed,
I had nothing to dread,
But set out to gains what I lusted.
--- John Miller

Sarah Mae, for a while there, distrusted
My motives but quickly adjusted.
Though her pants came off easy,
The sight made me queasy.
My dreams had to be readjusted.
--- John Miller

Her pussy was scabby and crusted;
Her gash would leave maggots disgusted --
There were crabs and a flea.
I scrounged DDT,
Went in there and thoroughly dusted.
--- John Miller

I retched but still duly adjusted
A condom and mounted and thrusted.
But just at that point,
Cops raided the joint;
It was me, not her hymen, got busted!
--- John Miller

Last night was a cop at my door
And pursuant to sub-section 4
Paras. 5a and b
Page 1003
It appears that I've broken the law.
--- Anon

"But what is this sub-section 4
Paras. 5a and b of the law?"
I said. "Wait; I'll just look",
Said the cop, "At this book."
(Mumble mumble) "I'm not really sure."
--- Anon

For what seemed like ages and ages
The cop flicked through thousands of pages;
Then moaned, "I'm distressed
For I need this arrest,
Else I won't get my regular wages."
--- Anon

"That's tough", I replied and for fun
Kicked his balls quoting sub-section 1
Paras. 2, 3 and 4
As he sunk to the floor
And said, "Go back to law-school, my son."
--- Anon

A bungling burglar named Jake,
Ran off with the baker's sponge cake,
But he made a quick stop
At the town's coffee shop,
And that's where he made his mistake.
--- Bob Birch P0301

As he cut off a piece of his take,
He fumbled that freshly baked cake.
It fell to the floor,
Then bounced out the door,
And caused an old hound dog to wake.
--- Bob Birch P0301

As the hound then pursued the sweet prize,
He ran through a maiden's young thighs.
This scared the young girl,
Who dropped a white pearl
In the middle of five cherry pies.
--- Bob Birch P0301

As Beth dug through the filling and crust,
She got cherry juice smeared on her bust.
This the hound dog then saw
And extended his paw,
But a mongrel one never should trust.
--- Bob Birch P0301

As Beth bent to shake hands with the mutt,
Jake eyed the young maid's little butt.
As toward her he started,
The dog loudly farted,
And Jake wondered who, where and what?
--- Bob Birch P0301

Bewildered he pondered just who,
Had wafted that stench of dog poo.
Where did it come from,
The dog or her bum,
And what is a poor guy to do?
--- Bob Birch P0301

The burglar was taken aback,
But threw the sponge cake in a sack.
But what then caught his eye
Was the fresh cherry pie,
And he grabbed one to have for a snack.
--- Bob Birch P0301

This is file zym

There wasn't much else Jake could steal,
But he manage to cop a good feel.
When he turned to take flight
The girl put up a fight
And the hound chomped down hard on his heel.
--- Bob Birch P0301

The burglar let out a loud cry,
As Beth swung and hit Jake in the eye.
Now under attack,
He dropped his loot sack,
And the dog quickly ate up the pie.
--- Bob Birch P0301

A search by the pretty young girl,
Had failed to turn up her white pearl.
Though the burglar was beaten,
Her pearl had been eaten,
When appeared a young cop we'll call Earl.
--- Bob Birch P0301

Earl spotted the juice on Beth's breast
And though she'd been shot in the chest.
To stop her from bleeding
He started in kneading,
And Beth said, "The right one feels best."
--- Bob Birch P0301

But the maiden then let out a wail,
As she start to tell her long tail.
Earl stopped with the feeling
As he hear of the stealing,
And said he'd take Jake off to Jail.
--- Bob Birch P0301

"And I'll track down that naughty old hound,
I'm sure he'll be easily found.
First I'll take Jake to jail,
And I know I'll not fail.
So meet me down at the dog pound."
--- Bob Birch P0301

The hound had been easily caught
And to the dog pound had been brought.
Now remember, dear friend,
As my tale nears its end,
'Twas the pearl that our heroine sought.
--- Bob Birch P0301

The dog had committed no crime,
But is needed to finish this rhyme.
For the pearl, it is true
Will come out in his poo,
For everything passes in time.
--- Bob Birch P0301

There once was a man named Hooten,
Who said he could stop crime and lootin'
By marrying away
All single men in a day,
To so stop all the thievery and shootin'.
--- Caesar Primus

Cesare Lombroso once said
You can tell criminals by the head.
Big skulls, beady eyes,
Means it is no surprise
That crime springs from the ways we are bred.
--- Jona Meyer

There are some who state biological theory
Towards twins and XXY be leery.
The behavior, 'tis said,
Doesn't come from their heads,
But also from genes that are dreary.
--- Caesar Primus

Criminal behavior is learned,
Peer gratification is earned.
Through communication
Differential association,
Even if friends get burned.
--- R A & C

A trucker got on the CB,
"Hey breaker, please listen to me.
While driving my rig,
I hit me a pig;
It's stuck in the fender, you see."
--- Anon

A voice from the radio said: "Hey,
That's easy, I'll show you the way.
Just make a few cuts,
Then pull out the guts;
It's sure to fall down on the 'way."
--- Anon

"OK man, that worked, now a clue,
About what's the next thing to do.
It's out sure enough,
But what 'bout this stuff...
His helmet and uniform too."
--- Anon

At a ranch named the Fragrant Bouquet,
The women have all moved away;
And seldom is heard
A discouraging word,
Because all of the cowboys are gay.
--- Cap'n Bean P9901a

Cowboys love chewin' and spittin'
And action like fightin' and hittin'.
In numerous cases
They'll go into places
Just to act in a way that ain't fittin'.
--- Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes

An old western baddie named Mort
Decided to be a good sport.
But his stature decreased
By three-quarters, at least,
When all of his friends cut him short.
--- Limber Limericks

To brand, you take an iron bar
And heat it red hot in the far,
You throw down a calf
And then with a laugh,
You singe his pore little rar.
--- Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes

With a branding iron, hot from the fire,
The cowboy tripped over a wire.
He plumb missed the calf
And hit poor old Alf,
Who jumped over the moon, only higher.
--- Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes

An over sexed brave 'Rutting Boar,'
To a fifty-cent cat house once tore,
When his squaw then inquired,
Why he came home so tired,
With a weak voice he answered, "Heap Chore."
--- Bob Giandomenico P0201

"Brokeback Mountain" said Tid, "Is creepy!
As it makes all gay men grow weepy:
But why would two chums
Prod each other's bums,
When the hills around are so sheepy."
--- David Miller

Cowboy Bob said, "This rodeo sucks;
Think I'll quit it and start drivin' trucks.
Though bronc ridin's my niche,
It sure ain't made me rich.
But I did get a couple of bucks.
--- Observer

When riding a bucker, take pains
To keep careful hold of the reins,
Or else try some glue
'Twixt the saddle and you,
Lest the maverick scatter your brains.
--- Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes

The Indians were clearly undone;
The bullets they couldn't outrun.
Each fell from his mount,
And the victors lost count,
And that's How the West Was Won.
--- Al Willis P9509

Some indians who fought on the prairie,
Their hatchets decided to bury.
They were buried instead
Into each other's head.
Some stayed alive, but not very.
--- Shelby Forrest

There was an old squaw named Sarubin
Who said to the chief, "Where have you been?"
He said, "Gathering canoes
From the mud and the ooze,
And I've put them all in the canoe bin."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2778

Joe, the cowboy was swinging his rope;
To catch that dogie, his hope.
He aimed for its neck,
When suddenly, by heck,
His horse took off at a lope.
--- William K Alsop Jr

To hear some range-riders talk,
And brag on their numerous stock,
The most fun alive
Is a long cattle drive,
But cattle don't drive, they just walk.
--- Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes

When John saw the Indian advance,
He said, "How!" but he soon looked askance,
For the Indian's reply
Was "Chance." John asked why?
"Me know how." said the Chief. "Want chance!"
--- Albin Chaplin

On the island by name Manitoulin,
A chief, just to stop any foolin',
Padlocked all his squaws
Into chastity drawers,
So that now there's no touchin' -- just droolin'.
--- Hugh Oliver 75b

The Indians called a powwow,
Trying to stop the white man right now.
They wandered away
And called it a day
Because the chiefs could only say "How?"
--- Thomas M Patton P9509

Way out in the wide open spaces,
Where goodies and baddies have chases,
The people and gophers
Are affable loafers,
And no one says vahzes for vases.
--- Limber Limericks


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