And then at the station we'll meet. To a young man who threatened abduction, A long-peckered midget named Red, There once was a husky young Viking, An oversexed lecher named Hubbell So ginger-haired lads make you cringe? The approach of a cocksman named Ferd A suitor who presses his suit, To a shy little miss from Kentucky, Said Edna St. Vincent Millay She learned how to dance and entrance, There was an old woman named Mary Said the leatherman to his admirer, There once was a girl of Siam, In place of a nail on each finger, If you want to find a real man, "My desire is for comfort, not speed," "Say you love me," a young lady cooed In his heart, a card-sharper named Boyle Van Gleason, whose blood was true blue Now I feel just rejected and sad, To oblige her I whipped out my dick Joe was tryiung real hard with Jane Bunce, A bosomy girl of Knob Noster (MO) My love unrequited with Sue. He said, "Though we've just met, Mary Lou, A bunch of us boys up from Yale Once I heard a young Valentine sing, Said Chloe to Reuben, "You're mad They used to say "He's in like Flynn," A young college girl drunk with beer, When younger, I thought of a plan: It began with an offer of candy,
This is file zol
A fleet-footed maiden named Treadwell At the singles bar, big swinger Clyde Your Valentine message I scan Said an Eskimo missie named Big Loo, How to handle a man in Quebec, I'm off for a trip in the snow. A man took a woman from Cruppance A lass named Teresa I'd wed; A girl whose friend want to take her There was a young fellow from Spain, He expresses whatever he thinks To thwart a young robber, Miss Fry You called from the phone in your car. There was an old man from Gloucester, There once was a brave knight named Tate, A young lady named Mabel Waist Oh what a lovely surprise, "Maybe next time," she said with a smile, We've had an enjoyable flirt, A shoddy old butcher named Schust Said an aspiring actress from Knox, There once was a blonde girl named Ann; "Well, thanks for that supper, dear Joe." He thought that a hole in the ice Last Saturday night I went dancing Last night I went fishing for men There once was a maiden so fair, She stood there and peeled off her clothes, If he says it would be just devine That sweet little girl Desire, I was asked by that lecher named Spicer, The grocer asked girls without number Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz,
I'll offer a rose or a sweet.
The things I will feel
Will cause you to squeal
In the cab; you'll squirm in your seat.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
The lady imparted instruction.
"If you're crude, you dumb ape,
I will charge you with rape;
If you're clever, I'll call it seduction."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0027
Said, "I'm a hot cock on a bed!
Though sawed-off for height,
My pecker's a sight--
So get on the bed, kid, and spread."
--- G0435
Whose sexual prowess was striking.
Every time he got hot,
He would scour the twat
Of some girl that might be to his liking.
--- L0118
Could never long stay out of trouble;
He'd sweet talk some chick,
Whip out his hard dick,
And wear the thing down to a nubble.
--- Armand Singer
Well, I bet when you've seen my syringe,
You'll be panting with lust
And just aching to thrust
It as deep as you can, up your minge.
--- Peter Wilkins
Is as crass a technique as we've heard.
He flips girls the finger,
And some of them linger.
To the point where he'll slip them the bird.
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Uncultured, unkempt and a brute,
Will have to try harder
To show off his ardor
Or look like a sloppy galoot.
--- R J Winkler P8405
A man said, "Say, kid, this is lucky!
Do you think that we could?--"
"If I just understood--"
"Spread your thighs double-quick! I feel fucky!"
--- G1569
As she lay in the hay all asplay,
"If you can make wine
From these grapes I opine,
We'll stay in the hay until May.
--- G0130
And dreamed of a chance for romance.
But she found that with Teddy
And Eddy And Freddy,
It begins when they take off their pants.
--- Lance Payne P8405
Who had a young daughter named Cherry.
One night when she's sleepin',
An intruder creeped in,
And stole away old Mary's Cherry!
--- Margo T9707
"Come here, you little perspirer!
I just love to screw
Nervous weasels like you,
With my strapped and studded defiler!"
--- John Chastaine T9710
Who said to her lover, Kiam,
"If you take me, of course,
You will have to use force,
But God knows you're stronger than I am."
--- Anon
Aunt Abigail bore a sharp stinger;
Her venom, though weak,
Enthralled for a week
An unwary Australian folk singer.
--- Paul M Hoffman
I offer to you my fine plan.
Try my pillar of passion,
It'll sure suit your fashion,
And beats hell out of using your hand!
--- Limberick
Said the spouse in reply to the need
Of her husband to bonk,
While waving his conk
O'er the book she was trying to read.
--- Mystelle
To her boyfriend who'd stripped to the nude.
He replied very callously,
"Love's a mere phallusy:
With such naive hopes, you'll get screwed."
--- Ellen M Alaka P9306
Had presumed a young girl to despoil.
His deception was quelled
Till a diamond she held,
Then she had him "according to Hoyle."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 P9005
Tried seducing an upper crust shrew.
Despite his entreating
And frenzied breast beating
His balls turned the very same hue
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0508
In no mood for spring, not a tad.
And for weeks upon end,
With passion unspend,
I remain all alone though unclad.
--- Petunia
(For I wanted to finish this quick).
But alas (what a bumm-
Er) I just couldn't come,
Though I tried every book in the trick. (???)
--- Anon
Said, "I'd like in your pants just this once!"
She said, "You're a dear
But get your hand from my rear
Or we'll break all Ten Commandments at once!"
--- Charles E Boyle P8908
Found a line of hot men did accost her;
As each one cajoled,
She put him on hold,
And built up a sizable roster.
--- Allan Ottley P8805
She bolts when my nuts want to screw.
To nail her I've had
My name changed to Brad.
Should I spike her coffee cup too?
--- Irving Superior P9307
I am eager to make love to you."
She said, "That would be fine!
"Your apartment or mine?"
"Oh forget it," he said. "Lets not argue."
--- William N Nesbit P9711
Were fondling some farm-daughter's tail,
But her dad swore he'd neuter us
If we breached her uterus,
And see that we landed in jail.
--- Armand E Singer 571
"I adore the red roses you bring,
And your sweet serenade...
But for kisses to trade,
You must first buy a diamond ring!"
--- Prof M-G TP9802
To think that I can be had.
So get lost, you creep,
And you can go leap
In the nearest spring fully clad."
--- Woontner
When a guy led a gal into sin.
But this lad had no luck,
When the prize he would pluck,
Belonged to a chaste girl named Gwyn.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Met a guy with a cock like a steer.
She wined him, and dined him,
And then sixty-nined him,
That's when she found out he was queer!
--- Anon
Get some wheels and then date Suzie Ann.
Her drawers she did drop
On the ground with a plop.
But she ran, yelling loudly, "Try Bann!"
--- Ken
Which Sue thought was quite dandy,
Until she found that the stick
Was really Tom's dick,
And his hands were a little too handy.
--- Clem I Am
Was able to say out of bed well.
When asked to "couchez
Avec moi", she said, "Nay,"
And started to run, and she fled well.
--- William K Alsop P8910
Suavely asked a young thing he espied,
"Hey there, sweetie, are you
Looking for Mr. Goodscrew?"
"No. How long's he been lost?" she replied.
--- Michael Weinstein P9612
With a smile at your bawdacious plan.
Oh, I'm tempted to pose
As you said, without clothes,
But you are a married man!
--- Poor Jim P8304
"Little man, won't you come to my igloo?"
The little man ran
All the way to Japan,
At the bare thought of having to dig Loo.
--- Conrad Aiken
Was revealed by old spinster Lautrec.
"The use of my knack
Will not thwart an attack,
But my method will hold it in check."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1381
I'll be gone for some time, don't you know.
Goodbye to the town
Where my girl let me down,
And to you, organ grinder, Hello!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
To a restaurant for elegant suppence.
They danced and drank wine;
Had a wonderful time;
After which he received his come-uppance.
--- Mike
In her room one dark evening I said:
"Please, lovely Miss,
Could you give me a kiss?"
But she broke an oak chair on my head.
--- Robert
On a holiday trip to Jamaica
Said, "I don't want a trip so
You can dance the calypso."
He sighed, "Well, that's that, I can't make her."
--- Funfax Limericks
Who only knew how to cause pain.
He spoke to his Ex
In the hope to have sex,
But his lying was all done in vain.
--- Marlene McCarty
In a language of leers and of winks.
But I know what he's thinking
With all of that winking,
And I can assure you it stinks!
--- Laurence Perrine P8802
Exposed her bare breast to the guy.
But her ploy was in vain
For the poor girl was slain
By the buttons that burst from his fly.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2077
We agreed to meet in a bar.
You lion cheetah,
You said you were Peetah,
And told me you drove a Jaguar.
--- Ericka
Who would take a girl home and accost her.
The number to date,
Has gone up to eight,
But out in the garden, he lost her.
--- VOL 10
Who was galloping to screw Lady Kate.
But his hopes were dashed,
Into the moat he splashed!
'Cause Kate lowered the drawbridge too late!
--- Laurence Craft
Kept herself constantly chaste.
For when boys wanted fun,
They'd leave on the run,
Not from fear but a face finely Maced.
--- Fredric Cohen P8305
Catching the sight of the eyes
Of every young rake,
Who puts on the make,
Which he thinks he has cleverly disguised.
--- Arden
Walking swiftly away. His profile
Was deflated and grim,
'Cause she rebuked him
Once again, with a grin and some guile.
--- Ystap TP9802
But I still haven't lifted her skirt.
And hard as I try
To give her the eye,
She will not believe it won't hurt.
--- Anon
Insisted his meat was a must.
But a maid did complain
And she clobbered his brain,
Which was meet and most certainly just.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2784
"Take your hand from under my frocks!"
She admonished Hector,
The movie director
Of 20th Century Fox!
--- FCA T9711
Though her goal was attracting a man,
She wore make-up too thick,
Her perfume made men sick,
And when she approached them, they ran!
--- Vassar Smith P9712
"But wait; I've dessert for you, Flo;
I've dick that is spotted
And cream which is clotted..."
"I know, Joe. No thanks; I must go."
--- Anon
Would be on the whole, rather nice.
But inside the igloo,
She hadn't a clue,
Was frigid and muttered "No dice!"
--- Prof
With Debbie who wanted romancing;
A candle-lit dinner
Dance, surely a winner?
Alas she said "No" to a lancing.
--- Peter Wilkins
Cast out my lures once, then again.
No one took the bait;
Oh, damnit, I hate
Not catching 'em when I've a yen.
--- Anon
The men would all wish she would bare.
She offered a plan
To an available man,
But he wouldn't or won't pay the fare!
--- Charlotte
And begged for a bang. Goodness knows
I am surely impure
And I sizzled to screw 'er,
But the push has gone out of my hose.
--- G0039
With his pantyhose hung next to mine;
I would try to be nice,
But I'd tell him, "No dice,
I'm afraid I shall have to decline."
--- Ann Gasser P9111
Would not let that Monk have his way.
So bitter with pique
To this group he did squeak,
That he'd not let him roll in the hay.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
"Is there anything, really, that's nicer
Than a neat bit of crumpet
With an amiable strumpet
Who doesn't expect you to splice her ?"
--- G1869
To wed, or to join him in slumber.
Each one was a meanie;
They scorned his zuccini,
Preferring an English cucumber.
--- John Maywood P9710
Was to do what man normally does,
She declared, "I'm a soul,
Not a sexual goal!"
So he shrugged and called someone who was.
--- Jack Labow G0031A