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I don't believe in the death penalty. After mugging a fast-thinking nurse, The Grand Executioner, Grock, The state has a humane intention, The biggest name dropper of all, Two outlaws, their necks in a noose, A horny young Jester named Gene, There once was a man dressed in black; A notorious bandit named Corliss, A. G. Woods stamped his foot in a snit Governor Parris Glendening A sailing ship skipper of note There was a young man named Mario There once was a woman in Quito Leered a hangman from China named Chung, Schnitzel, an unfriendly schnauzer, The electric chair faced convict Brown, If a man kills a man, execution The guillotine -- did Louis duck it? While Joan of Arc burned at the stake, There was an old person named Zorn, So if your ass you've got a hair in, (Sarin - nerve gas)
While trying to live like a Bedouin, What a shock that we can't all agree The convict would read in the yard, The Superbowl, Miami, Sunday, (at last the execution of serial killer Theodore Bundy)
"Let's tighten the loopholes," jurist Roos. Tookie Williams has no objection, Twenty year death-row con "Snake" O'Hare, A woman of intimate pleasures, One of the Duke's heirs abstains, At funerals, one's sure to be moved There once was an old man from Naf In attempts to exhume Mr. Sound, There was a young man of Laconia, A grave-digging person named Dirk The brown-noser, Joe, did amass A repulsive old fellow was Price There once was a man named Shawn, So bitchy a wife had old Gelling, When called on to bury a horse, When his wife passed away, Mr. Scott The Crematorium owner'd not care Archeologist Laramie Round, Soak in cold nitrogen marinade; (Swedish eco-friendly burial method)
Above the mausoleum door Here lies an old farmer Jim Hill, Archeologist Alfred A Stoner An elder, quite feeble and frail, Now that's one tradition I'm hopin' (strippers at funerals in China deplored)
Now I lay me down to sleep; (Georgia crematory just stacked and dumped bodies 2002)
A solemn old mortuary bird A gourmand I knew had turned grey, No doubt, you may think this absurd, I was busy with a removal, It's ironical, clearly, the lot Never a giver but taker; A couple were seeking delight Joe McCarthy proved that the same fate A silly young man from Clyde A house-auctioneer called Brown A fellow we once knew as Jed The widow of Edison Jones On a cold night a blind man named Bert A lister, his body a-stiffin', (lister - one who makes lists, laundry, tax assessors, etc.)
A slightly weird fellow named Liss
No sir, no ma'am, not me.
But why exempt
From a crime so contempt,
Just because she's a woman, you see?
--- Arden
The thief left the scene in a hearse.
He met his demise
With a look of surprise,
When she knock him cold with her purse.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Said, "Don't let me give you a shock.
I've come as a friend
On whom you can depend.
Now just lay your head on my block."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Teaching phonics to men in detention.
For each guy on death row,
The I.Q. will grow,
Then they'll give him his lethal injection
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0208
In Paris, she's knitting a shawl.
As off a head came,
She'd knit in a name.
The Madame was having a ball.
--- Irving Superior P9507
Were near ready to drop. One got loose.
He was quickly detained,
And the other complained,
Shit, the sheriff's now mad at us, Moose!
--- David A Brooks Q
The last he was said to be seen,
Was when, found by the King,
He had whipped out his thing,
As he lifted the skirt of the Queen.
--- Cap'n Bean P0010
His victims he stretched on the rack.
With their every breath,
Right up to their death,
They begged him to give them some slack.
--- Anon
Was persistently homeless and lawless.
But was punished at last
And the noose traveled fast
For his roofless life's end was quite floorless.
--- Graham Lester
And whined that he couldn't commit
Lethal injection
(A form of correction)
On an inmate who'd nary a wit.
--- Acetous
Stayed all executions, depending
On if he concludes
They're not racially skewed --
But they are, so the practice is ending.
--- Dr Limerick 05-09-02
Who encountered rebellion afloat,
Overwhelmed by demands,
Placed his head in his hands,
Then his hands' heads he hanged from the boat.
--- Graham Lester
Who took pride in his roots in the barrio.
But he crossed up his gang,
Who said he would hang;
And is now in the obits of "El Diario."
--- Zekow TP9804
Who ousted El Loco, subito;
To enjoy ruling ways
But for only two days;
Now she's just as subito finito.
--- Mesterton-Gibbons MG9702
Of whose cruelty, the poets have sung.
"When our work isn't shoddy,
Nothing's like a nude body,
Swinging stiff, dead, and perfectly hung."
--- Armand Singer
Bit the mailman right through his trouser.
For rabies they tested;
Poor Schnitz was infested;
He was shot with a World War One Mauser.
--- Nancy Henry-Kline P9306
But the warden had reason to frown.
They had readied the switch
For the son-of-a-bitch,
But the convict refused to sit down.
--- Al Chaplin P9902
Seems a righteous and just retribution;
Appeasing our lust
To assault the unjust,
And of course, helps him make restitution.
--- John Miller 0361a
And Danton's head, did not you pluck it?
And now proud Robespierre,
Their epitaphs you share,
'ANOTHER DROP IN THE BUCKET.'
--- Irving Superior P8702
A bishop said, "Wow, what a flake!
We gave her two choices:
Deny hearing voices
Or else it's the old shake and bake."
--- Liam Reidy P8502a
He should never, in fact, have been born.
The mistake was but slight
And was quickly put right,
For they shot him one morning at dawn.
--- Anon
You think U.S. rule not a fair win,
We'll give you a peace
That will never cease;
Here, sniff on this small bit of Sarin.
--- Anon
A CIA aqgent named Edwin
Attempted to sneak
A cute slave from a sheik,
And in no time at all was a dead one.
--- Laundered Limericks P9012
Over what Terri's fate ought to be.
If ever comes my day,
Please don't let Tom Delay
Be the one who will watch over me.
--- Limerick Savant
Under eyes of a grim watchful guard.
He used to pump iron,
But now he reads Byron.
With phonics, he'll soon read the Bard.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0208
And then the more exciting Monday.
Well there be more delay?
Will justice have its day?
The Tuesday exodus of Bundy.
--- Irving Superior P8903
"The killers are caught and then let loose.
By legal flaw
They slip the law.
Let's tighten the loopholes on the noose."
--- Irving Superior P8111
To dying by lethal injection;
As long as his skin
Is swabbed with pure gin,
So that he doesn't get an infection.
--- David Miller Q
At last, one midnight, got the chair.
His last prayer, 'fore he died,
With blind faith did abide:
"The Lord won't give me too much to bear."
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0310
She died on the Island of Measures;
Born on the breeze,
She lived by the seas,
And was buried along with her treasures.
--- Cap'n Bean P0406
From gradiloquent show, but retains
A small urn with a flame,
On their plot to proclaim
As embered the graves of the Waynes.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9807
At the chance to display there that you've
Much regret and remorse,
(Or the converse of course --
That of this sad event you approve!).
--- Doug Harris P0608
Who wrote in his own epitaph:
"He had a good wife
Throughout his whole life;
But here lies the much better half."
--- Lims Unlimited
This is file zmm
The results were quite odd and profound;
For they dug 'round his stone,
Under grass, neatly mown,
But his coffin was not in the ground.
--- Cap'n Bean P0207
Whose mother-in-law had pneumonia.
He hoped for the worst--
And after March first,
They buried her 'neath a begonia.
--- Anon
Thought it was shocking to shirk,
So he dug all the day,
Till his body gave way --
Thus he buried himself in his work.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
A great many points, but alas,
When his boss died of flu,
They interred poor Joe too,
For his nose was stuck firm in the ass.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1928
Who never said anything nice.
When his coffin was nailed
He still ranted and railed,
So they buried the poor bastard twice.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2753
Who always awoke before dawn.
One day he did not;
He must have forgot.
He is now buried under the lawn.
--- Lana
It was rugged to live in one dwelling.
When she died he was merry
But he made sure to bury
Her deeper to drown out her yelling.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2587
It's best to avoid using force.
The hole should be deep
To cover the feet,
Else use a chainsaw, of course.
--- John Paulk P0309
Said, a true-to-life posture he sought.
So he laid her to rest
With one hand 'cross her chest,
And the other hand over her twat.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2287
That the corpse was burnt with no hair.
The price was the same
Whether fit or was lame,
As it makes no difference "in there".
--- TuttaGioia
He relished his digs in the ground;
He would often unearth
Things of notable worth,
And artifacts highly profound.
--- Cap'n Bean P0502
Wrap in shroud that will biodegrade.
Bury with this technique
And after some weeks,
Bag and market with name "Soylent Jade."
--- Dr Limerick
The epitaph read NEVERMORE.
Scholars claim that bird
Quoted that word,
And friends somewhere had found one more.
--- Irving Superior P8702
Who grew worms for commerce. This skill
He has not forgot,
For in this lowly plot
The farmer is feeding worms still.
--- A N Wilkins P8702
Found an ancient and petrified boner,
So he dug all around
In the neighboring ground,
But he never uncovered its owner.
--- Cap'n Bean P0502
He died on a wilderness trail;
The air was so frigid
His corpse became rigid;
They buried him stiff as a rail.
--- Cap'n Bean P0402
Will catch on here. Plenty of gropin'
And spewing of cocks
And the bloke in the box,
I'm sure would have one eye still open.
--- Tiddy Ogg
I pray the lord will my soul keep.
If I die don't you
Send my body to
That Georgia crematory creep.
--- Marlene Lewis
By epitaphs always was stirred,
And he said, "It's a matter
Not of serious chatter,
But grave humor for all those interred."
--- Bill Backe-Hansen P8702
But GUTTLED with gusto each day.
Till it did him in.
And now he's quite thin,
As GUTTLING earthworms have their way.
--- Chris Papa
But Roughage just died -- have you heard?
He passed through the canal
With no folderal.
So, I guess you know that he's interred.
--- Al Willis
And missed my ex-wife's funeral.
For want of better,
I sent a nice letter,
Giving my hearty approval.
--- David Miller
Of the master interred in this spot.
Are the fates playing games
When we find Henry James
In a simple and plain English plot?
--- A N Wilkins P8702
In life, a mover and shaker.
My life spent as sinner,
I came out a winner;
Now lying here in God's acre.
--- Jeanie
In a graveyard by eerie moonlight.
"Gruesome!" he said,
"It sure did!" she said,
"I sure hope you can bury it right."
--- John Miller 0153
Attends both the mean and the great.
But he seems more at home,
For the Capital dome
Gave him practice at lying in state.
--- A N Wilkins P8702
In a funeral procession was spied;
When asked, "Who is dead?"
He giggled and said,
I don't know; I just came for the ride."
--- Lims For Year - 01
Bought a semi-detached in the town,
For his family of five --
Some dead, some alive;
At the last count three up and two down.
--- Spike Milligan P0104
Is present today - though he's dead;
For his wife keeps him neat
On their Vineyard retreat
In the attic, on top of his bed.
--- Cap'n bean P0206
Has a keepsake she morbidly owns,
For she buried his skin,
And his organs within,
But she didn't let go of his bones.
--- Cap'n Bean P0107
Fell into a new grave, unhurt.
He screamed, "Help me, I'm freezing!"
A drunk staggered by, wheezing
"I guess so. You kicked off your dirt!"
--- Theo Heller P9401
Was asked what to play when he gave in.
"Whatever you play,
Keep it soft, guys, OK?
In case your hear 'Knock Knock?' from within."
--- Anon
Found sleep in a hearse was pure bliss.
It does sound perverse
But he wished to re-hearse
His ride to the necropolis!
--- Larry Wilde
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