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A woman from southern Banquillo
Calls her husband an old armadillo:
His prick is so rough,
And his manner so bluff,
When he's finished, she hardly can pee-o!
--- G0517

To everyone, we must be attentive,
But marriage-same-sex lacks incentive.
But it is a New-Age,
So good luck to the Sage.
Hope Wumpus is not anal-retentive.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

If my wife you were to ask,
About how I do the task,
She'd say with a sigh,
"Oh What a guy!"
And in her satisfaction, she'd bask.
--- Chris Tustin

Wheeler, an eeler from Ealing,
Was adept at providing such feeling,
That his pretty wife Fleur,
When he ministered to her,
Had to be scraped off the ceiling.
--- Jim Waite P9303

Advice to young ladies that foam,
When husbands have started to roam:
You'll find men do not care
To seek love anywhere,
When they get a good screwing at home.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2049

A marriage is not simply luck;
If you plan, you will never be stuck.
At first what you do
Is to learn how to screw,
And later you learn how to fuck.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2171a

There was an old man named McEwen,
Who always believed in his screwing.
He had had three wives,
And came down with hives,
And screwin' was almost his ruin.
--- Joe McEwen P9209

I know a young man from Chicago,
Who, when horny, loved screwing a taco.
Flying lettuce and cheese
Brought the man to his knees;
The wedding takes place at Lake Tahoe.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A short peckered fellow named Gene
Had failed in his fucking routine.
Said his wife in dismay,
"Though I'm spread night and day,
I don't get any fun in between."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0166

There once was a young man named Jack,
Who loved jumping into the sack,
For there was his wife,
The love of his life,
Aroused, with legs spread, on her back.
--- Coops

A certain smug preacher named Rigg
(Incredibly godawful prig),
while humping his Frau
Would lecture her how
Her moans showed a sin-ridden pig.
--- Armand E Singer 610

With increasingly throbbing delight
Your caresses will set me alight;
And I'll soon reach the peak
That I eagerly seek,
Then I'll snore for the rest of the night.
--- Peter Wilkins

A much divorced actor named Tree
Craved humping so long as it's free.
He so greatly loved sex
From his number one ex --
He scarcely missed two, four, or three.
--- Armand E Singer 241

A fellow from far Umatilla (OR)
Wanted a sexual thilla.
He added catharides
To his wife's Wheaties.
That morning's screw was a thrilla.
--- Larry Davis P8805

As a lad watched the groom kiss and vow,
He pondered the why and the how.
He'd figured it proudly,
So he inquired quite loudly:
"Is he spreading the pollen right now?"
--- Jane D Hughes P9202

You might think I'm over the hill,
But can still give my wife a big thrill.
It's six inches by three -
"Give me more", is her plea,
As I hand her a ten-dollar bill!
--- Anon A

I'll say a kind word about marriage.
It's something I'd never disparage.
You get lots of sex,
But it has some effects.
I just bought my third baby carriage.
--- Al Willis P9712a

There was a young fellow named Goring,
Who used his own wife for his whoring.
When they said, "Thrice a nighting
Must be quite exciting?"
She replied, "It's excessively boring."
--- G0083

There once was a man named Fred Fearly,
Who loved his wife very dearly.
At first they fucked daily,
Both lewdly and gaily;
Now he's lucky to fuck her twice yearly.
--- Phred

Said a hipshot young bride of Atlantic,
"This fucking is driving me frantic.
I hate to disparage
The sex side of marriage,
But a whole night of cock's unromantic."
--- G0009

One night, Maw shouted Fuck You to Paw;
Fuck You Too shouted Paw back to Maw.
After minutes of thought,
Said Ma, quite distraught,
I don't like oral sex anymore!
--- Friar

The professer, with ample proportions,
Loves screwin' while doin' contortions.
Said his wife, "Watch my head,
And don't DARE break the bed,
Or your prick will be thick with distortions!"
--- Anon

Said a canny old husband named Hind,
"Yeah, I stay close to home; I'm not blind;
For I know that I'm right,
If you're out of their sight,
You're sure as hell out of their mind!"
--- Armand E Singer 291

It's no wonder John's been swearing;
No more about spouse he'll be sharing.
I infer by his tone
We should leave her alone,
But tell us, "What is she wearing?"
--- David Miller Q

I reckon John's wife, beyond doubt,
Is fond of a sexual bout,
In marital pairing,
And here's what she's wearing:
A smile, nothing else, and him out.
--- Tiddy Ogg Q

To husbands who, try as they would,
Could not make their views understood:
Be assured that the grand
Design that God planned
Is unfolding the way that it should.
--- Alex Heydon P0501

There once was a man named Sherman,
Whose bed was infested with vermin.
His wife he would fuck
Amidst maggots and muck;
He said it felt good when she's squirming.
--- Puff Adder

Please somebody, give me a break.
The limericks you want are hard to make.
We're used to insulting
Or downright revolting,
Not Valentines, flowers and cake.
--- Arden

I've stuck with you for twenty-five years,
And I've had it right up to my ears,
Which have taken to twitching
Because of your bitching;
When I leave you, I break out in cheers.
--- Arden

I've had twenty-five years of your crap,
And I wish you would button your trap.
Though you've nothing to say,
You rant on anyway,
Till I want to disfigure your map.
--- Arden

As we enter our twenty-fifth year,
You're wellspring of all I hold dear.
As the years rush on by,
My heart tells me why
You're the one that I always want near.
--- Arden

My sweetheart, it's been twenty-five years
Since the day filled with laughter and tears.
Husband and wife
For the rest of my life,
Through joy, sorrow, closeness and fears.
--- Arden

There's nothing that I would have changed;
My life I would not rearrange.
I'm sticking with you
Like some Krazy Glue,
Deleriously, happily deranged!
--- Arden

This is file zim

"Save pennies," they said, "for a year
One each time you make love to your dear.
And then take one out
For each subsequent bout;
'Twill be years before all disappear."
--- Anon

Well, I tell you that gang was all wrong;
And it didn't take us all that long.
What we had put in
Went for whisky and gin.
And the need for that money was strong!
--- Anon

Ther was a young fellow named Fyfe,
Whose marriage was ruined for life,
For he had an aversion
To every perversion,
And only liked screwing his wife.
--- Anon

Well, one year the poor woman struck,
And she wept, and cursed at her luck.
"Oh, where has it gotten us
This goddamn monotonous
Fuck after fuck after fuck?"
--- Anon

While fucking one night, Dr. Zuck,
His wife's nipples in his ears stuck.
Then, his thumb up her bum,
He could hear himself come,
Thus inventing the Radio Fuck.
--- L0365

Then on further experiment bent,
An improvement he thought he'd invent:
With his prick as conductor,
Combed her bush while he fucked her,
And his balls shot off sparks when she spent.
--- L0366

Dr Zuck then went out on the street,
To feel the first girl he might meet.
And he knew that he'd made her
With his sexual radar,
But somehow it seemed incomplete.
--- Neal Wilgus P8211

So he invented a matter transmitter
And any size cunt, he could fit her.
But he injured his dong
When the setting were wrong
And his girl friend was killed when he split her.
--- Neal Wilgus P8211

Last night, after marital flack,
We cussed as we head for the sack.
Don't know what took place
But there's hair on my face,
And she's nursing bite marks on her back.
--- Cubbie

I think you forgot how to do it.
Take heart, there is not much to it.
You don't fuss and fight
When you bed down at night.
If you want, I can talk you two through it.
--- Jeanie

Is Jeanie a voyeur? I think so.
She want to watch you have a go.
She'll offer advice
And say, "That looks nice!"
While she videotapes the whole show.
--- Squat

No, I'm just a budding director,
Not a bedroom activity inspector.
He was a little perplexed
And a tad undersexed.
I'm just helping him get to the nectar.
--- Jeanie

I wonder what my wife will want tonight;
Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight?
I wonder can she tell
That I've been raising hell;
Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight?
--- L0106

My wife is just as nice as nice can be,
I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me,
For an afternoon of joy,
Is hell on the old boy.
I wonder what the wife will want tonight.
--- L0106

There was a young man with a prick
Which into his wife he would stick,
Every morning and night,
If it stood up all right.
Not a very remarkable trick.
--- L0082

His wife had a nice little cunt.
It was hairy, and soft, and in front.
And with which she would fuck him,
Thought sometimes she'd suck him,
A charming, if commonplace stunt.
--- L0082

Who's keeping her warm? I don't know;
My wife just won't give a good blow.
She must have a hex
'Cause she doesn't like sex,
And that is my true tale of woe.
--- Anon

I'm gifted (or cursed) you might say;
Lots of hormones, much to my dismay.
I don't know what to do;
I just love to screw,
And my wife just won't give it away.
--- Anon

With hormones and nowhere to go
Given the chance, I give a good show.
I go three times or four,
Then maybe one more,
Depending if I get a good blow.
--- Anon

"Hello -- this is Potts, Ed and Joan,
Just now we can't come to the phone;
But, just the same,
Leave your number and name,
And message when you hear the tone."

(Phone message for Sunday through Friday)
--- Ed Potts P8505a

"Hello -- this is Potts, Ed and Joan,
Just now we won't come to the phone;
Though home, what we're doing
Is most likely screwing,
So hang up and leave us alone."

(Phone message for Saturday!)
--- Ed Potts P8505a

"Semi-annual, that's my erection."
His wife said, "There's just one correction.
So cease and desist;
Give the words a sharp twist,
It's your annual semi-erection."
--- Al Willis

Her words are so viciously biting,
It could lead to marital fighting.
If she's in a tiff
Because you're half stiff,
Remind her, she could use tightening.
--- S C Saint

My troubles are worse and beyond
All the trials which others are fond
Of profoundly expressing.
Could it get more distressing?
I'm married, you see, to a blonde.
--- John Miller

It isn't the things that bring glee
To the viewers of sitcom TV.
The problem's worse yet;
How bad can it get?
The thing is, she's smarter than me!
--- John Miller

I'm another intelligence griever.
(And I'm not just talking blond beaver!)
It gives me a fright
That I'm not as bright
As my neighbor's golden retriever.
--- Irish

My cousin's a beauty beyond;
A natural, well-endowed blonde.
Alas, her old hubby
Is sawed-off and stubby.
Especially small is his wand.
--- Anon

But, out of respect for their marriage,
I never critique or disparage.
But, send me to hell,
I ever will smell
The laundry she keeps in the garage.
--- Anon

As a dentist, he'll say, "Open wide!"
And you as his hot, willing bride
Will spread your plump thighs
Like you did for us guys,
And guide hubby's pecker inside.
--- G0225

As a plumber, the poor silly fool
Will do as he does as a rule:
Your show of affection
Should cause an erection,
But you'll find he's forgotten his tool!
--- G0226

As an ad man, your bridegroom will say,
Just before your first church-sanctioned lay,
On beholding your hole:
"Let's run it up a pole,
And see if a breeze flaps it today."
--- G0227

As an electrician, young Burkitt
Will say with a bit of a smirk, "It
Now isn't a sin,
So I going to plug in,
And I hope we don't run a short circuit."
--- G0229

Escaping by rooftop, McCall
Swore arrogant vengeance on all.
But lions, ornamental,
Caught his foot in their dental,
And Pride, as is known, precedes Fall. (pride of lions)
--- Weekly Science


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