A woman from southern Banquillo To everyone, we must be attentive, If my wife you were to ask, Wheeler, an eeler from Ealing, Advice to young ladies that foam, A marriage is not simply luck; There was an old man named McEwen, I know a young man from Chicago, A short peckered fellow named Gene There once was a young man named Jack, A certain smug preacher named Rigg With increasingly throbbing delight A much divorced actor named Tree A fellow from far Umatilla (OR) As a lad watched the groom kiss and vow, You might think I'm over the hill, I'll say a kind word about marriage. There was a young fellow named Goring, There once was a man named Fred Fearly, Said a hipshot young bride of Atlantic, One night, Maw shouted Fuck You to Paw; The professer, with ample proportions, Said a canny old husband named Hind, It's no wonder John's been swearing; I reckon John's wife, beyond doubt, To husbands who, try as they would, There once was a man named Sherman, Please somebody, give me a break. I've stuck with you for twenty-five years, I've had twenty-five years of your crap, As we enter our twenty-fifth year, My sweetheart, it's been twenty-five years There's nothing that I would have changed;
This is file zim
"Save pennies," they said, "for a year Well, I tell you that gang was all wrong; Ther was a young fellow named Fyfe, Well, one year the poor woman struck, While fucking one night, Dr. Zuck, Then on further experiment bent, Dr Zuck then went out on the street, So he invented a matter transmitter Last night, after marital flack, I think you forgot how to do it. Is Jeanie a voyeur? I think so. No, I'm just a budding director, I wonder what my wife will want tonight; My wife is just as nice as nice can be, There was a young man with a prick His wife had a nice little cunt. Who's keeping her warm? I don't know; I'm gifted (or cursed) you might say; With hormones and nowhere to go "Hello -- this is Potts, Ed and Joan, (Phone message for Sunday through Friday)
"Hello -- this is Potts, Ed and Joan, (Phone message for Saturday!)
"Semi-annual, that's my erection." Her words are so viciously biting, My troubles are worse and beyond It isn't the things that bring glee I'm another intelligence griever. My cousin's a beauty beyond; But, out of respect for their marriage, As a dentist, he'll say, "Open wide!" As a plumber, the poor silly fool As an ad man, your bridegroom will say, As an electrician, young Burkitt Escaping by rooftop, McCall
Calls her husband an old armadillo:
His prick is so rough,
And his manner so bluff,
When he's finished, she hardly can pee-o!
--- G0517
But marriage-same-sex lacks incentive.
But it is a New-Age,
So good luck to the Sage.
Hope Wumpus is not anal-retentive.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
About how I do the task,
She'd say with a sigh,
"Oh What a guy!"
And in her satisfaction, she'd bask.
--- Chris Tustin
Was adept at providing such feeling,
That his pretty wife Fleur,
When he ministered to her,
Had to be scraped off the ceiling.
--- Jim Waite P9303
When husbands have started to roam:
You'll find men do not care
To seek love anywhere,
When they get a good screwing at home.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2049
If you plan, you will never be stuck.
At first what you do
Is to learn how to screw,
And later you learn how to fuck.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2171a
Who always believed in his screwing.
He had had three wives,
And came down with hives,
And screwin' was almost his ruin.
--- Joe McEwen P9209
Who, when horny, loved screwing a taco.
Flying lettuce and cheese
Brought the man to his knees;
The wedding takes place at Lake Tahoe.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Had failed in his fucking routine.
Said his wife in dismay,
"Though I'm spread night and day,
I don't get any fun in between."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0166
Who loved jumping into the sack,
For there was his wife,
The love of his life,
Aroused, with legs spread, on her back.
--- Coops
(Incredibly godawful prig),
while humping his Frau
Would lecture her how
Her moans showed a sin-ridden pig.
--- Armand E Singer 610
Your caresses will set me alight;
And I'll soon reach the peak
That I eagerly seek,
Then I'll snore for the rest of the night.
--- Peter Wilkins
Craved humping so long as it's free.
He so greatly loved sex
From his number one ex --
He scarcely missed two, four, or three.
--- Armand E Singer 241
Wanted a sexual thilla.
He added catharides
To his wife's Wheaties.
That morning's screw was a thrilla.
--- Larry Davis P8805
He pondered the why and the how.
He'd figured it proudly,
So he inquired quite loudly:
"Is he spreading the pollen right now?"
--- Jane D Hughes P9202
But can still give my wife a big thrill.
It's six inches by three -
"Give me more", is her plea,
As I hand her a ten-dollar bill!
--- Anon A
It's something I'd never disparage.
You get lots of sex,
But it has some effects.
I just bought my third baby carriage.
--- Al Willis P9712a
Who used his own wife for his whoring.
When they said, "Thrice a nighting
Must be quite exciting?"
She replied, "It's excessively boring."
--- G0083
Who loved his wife very dearly.
At first they fucked daily,
Both lewdly and gaily;
Now he's lucky to fuck her twice yearly.
--- Phred
"This fucking is driving me frantic.
I hate to disparage
The sex side of marriage,
But a whole night of cock's unromantic."
--- G0009
Fuck You Too shouted Paw back to Maw.
After minutes of thought,
Said Ma, quite distraught,
I don't like oral sex anymore!
--- Friar
Loves screwin' while doin' contortions.
Said his wife, "Watch my head,
And don't DARE break the bed,
Or your prick will be thick with distortions!"
--- Anon
"Yeah, I stay close to home; I'm not blind;
For I know that I'm right,
If you're out of their sight,
You're sure as hell out of their mind!"
--- Armand E Singer 291
No more about spouse he'll be sharing.
I infer by his tone
We should leave her alone,
But tell us, "What is she wearing?"
--- David Miller Q
Is fond of a sexual bout,
In marital pairing,
And here's what she's wearing:
A smile, nothing else, and him out.
--- Tiddy Ogg Q
Could not make their views understood:
Be assured that the grand
Design that God planned
Is unfolding the way that it should.
--- Alex Heydon P0501
Whose bed was infested with vermin.
His wife he would fuck
Amidst maggots and muck;
He said it felt good when she's squirming.
--- Puff Adder
The limericks you want are hard to make.
We're used to insulting
Or downright revolting,
Not Valentines, flowers and cake.
--- Arden
And I've had it right up to my ears,
Which have taken to twitching
Because of your bitching;
When I leave you, I break out in cheers.
--- Arden
And I wish you would button your trap.
Though you've nothing to say,
You rant on anyway,
Till I want to disfigure your map.
--- Arden
You're wellspring of all I hold dear.
As the years rush on by,
My heart tells me why
You're the one that I always want near.
--- Arden
Since the day filled with laughter and tears.
Husband and wife
For the rest of my life,
Through joy, sorrow, closeness and fears.
--- Arden
My life I would not rearrange.
I'm sticking with you
Like some Krazy Glue,
Deleriously, happily deranged!
--- Arden
One each time you make love to your dear.
And then take one out
For each subsequent bout;
'Twill be years before all disappear."
--- Anon
And it didn't take us all that long.
What we had put in
Went for whisky and gin.
And the need for that money was strong!
--- Anon
Whose marriage was ruined for life,
For he had an aversion
To every perversion,
And only liked screwing his wife.
--- Anon
And she wept, and cursed at her luck.
"Oh, where has it gotten us
This goddamn monotonous
Fuck after fuck after fuck?"
--- Anon
His wife's nipples in his ears stuck.
Then, his thumb up her bum,
He could hear himself come,
Thus inventing the Radio Fuck.
--- L0365
An improvement he thought he'd invent:
With his prick as conductor,
Combed her bush while he fucked her,
And his balls shot off sparks when she spent.
--- L0366
To feel the first girl he might meet.
And he knew that he'd made her
With his sexual radar,
But somehow it seemed incomplete.
--- Neal Wilgus P8211
And any size cunt, he could fit her.
But he injured his dong
When the setting were wrong
And his girl friend was killed when he split her.
--- Neal Wilgus P8211
We cussed as we head for the sack.
Don't know what took place
But there's hair on my face,
And she's nursing bite marks on her back.
--- Cubbie
Take heart, there is not much to it.
You don't fuss and fight
When you bed down at night.
If you want, I can talk you two through it.
--- Jeanie
She want to watch you have a go.
She'll offer advice
And say, "That looks nice!"
While she videotapes the whole show.
--- Squat
Not a bedroom activity inspector.
He was a little perplexed
And a tad undersexed.
I'm just helping him get to the nectar.
--- Jeanie
Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight?
I wonder can she tell
That I've been raising hell;
Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight?
--- L0106
I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me,
For an afternoon of joy,
Is hell on the old boy.
I wonder what the wife will want tonight.
--- L0106
Which into his wife he would stick,
Every morning and night,
If it stood up all right.
Not a very remarkable trick.
--- L0082
It was hairy, and soft, and in front.
And with which she would fuck him,
Thought sometimes she'd suck him,
A charming, if commonplace stunt.
--- L0082
My wife just won't give a good blow.
She must have a hex
'Cause she doesn't like sex,
And that is my true tale of woe.
--- Anon
Lots of hormones, much to my dismay.
I don't know what to do;
I just love to screw,
And my wife just won't give it away.
--- Anon
Given the chance, I give a good show.
I go three times or four,
Then maybe one more,
Depending if I get a good blow.
--- Anon
Just now we can't come to the phone;
But, just the same,
Leave your number and name,
And message when you hear the tone."
--- Ed Potts P8505a
Just now we won't come to the phone;
Though home, what we're doing
Is most likely screwing,
So hang up and leave us alone."
--- Ed Potts P8505a
His wife said, "There's just one correction.
So cease and desist;
Give the words a sharp twist,
It's your annual semi-erection."
--- Al Willis
It could lead to marital fighting.
If she's in a tiff
Because you're half stiff,
Remind her, she could use tightening.
--- S C Saint
All the trials which others are fond
Of profoundly expressing.
Could it get more distressing?
I'm married, you see, to a blonde.
--- John Miller
To the viewers of sitcom TV.
The problem's worse yet;
How bad can it get?
The thing is, she's smarter than me!
--- John Miller
(And I'm not just talking blond beaver!)
It gives me a fright
That I'm not as bright
As my neighbor's golden retriever.
--- Irish
A natural, well-endowed blonde.
Alas, her old hubby
Is sawed-off and stubby.
Especially small is his wand.
--- Anon
I never critique or disparage.
But, send me to hell,
I ever will smell
The laundry she keeps in the garage.
--- Anon
And you as his hot, willing bride
Will spread your plump thighs
Like you did for us guys,
And guide hubby's pecker inside.
--- G0225
Will do as he does as a rule:
Your show of affection
Should cause an erection,
But you'll find he's forgotten his tool!
--- G0226
Just before your first church-sanctioned lay,
On beholding your hole:
"Let's run it up a pole,
And see if a breeze flaps it today."
--- G0227
Will say with a bit of a smirk, "It
Now isn't a sin,
So I going to plug in,
And I hope we don't run a short circuit."
--- G0229
Swore arrogant vengeance on all.
But lions, ornamental,
Caught his foot in their dental,
And Pride, as is known, precedes Fall. (pride of lions)
--- Weekly Science