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They're scrupulous people, the Air Police: The detective is very reflective; The cop on the beat was discreet; You feel smug in your own locality, Said the cops in LA, "Taking care Why were cops very quick to surprise A siren proclaims by its blare When a cross-eyed detective named Baer My brother's a natural detective Tim's homework was almost all done, The newest young cop in the squad There once was a bored undertaker, There once was a fellow named Finnegan, There was a policeman named Fleet When I was a teenage milksop, New Year's Eve-ers, lit up like a tree, Said our Chief of Police, Simon Lash, There once was a night shift detective At a bar I met a real cutie. At the movies it gives me the horn A bag-lady covered with scuzz, To make the whole nation secure The thing about Inspector Morse, Cybil's first personality, in desperation, Our sheriff shot straight and stood tall. "Is justice," I ask, "truly just? We laughed at the Keystone police Late in life they had wild daughters three, A lady policeman liked sport; The FBI's latest TOP TEN There once lived a youth in Duluth, At the donut shop sit the police, There once was an overweight cop, To the lab went the runt Miss Phipps; A meter maid on duty in Barking, When last seen on criminal dock, A smart criminal has a film crew, Dear Sir, to me you are a stranger. From a bookie who covered his bet, (in Ellery Queen magazine)
When bearing your neighbor a grudge We are lucky to still have a few A pickpocket, fleeing the zoo, A cop, with his nightstick held firmly, A policewoman caused a sensation In Friendship, a fellow named Tipp Said an arsonist known as St. James: (in Ellery Queen magazine)
When you walk around Kamloops, you pant, A female flatfoot named Grace, There once was a pool-playing star A cop from the state Arkansas A highway-patrol cop named Claire Unless you can think of a whopper, A Manhattan policeman named Sy, The young brigand in training, Jacques Zook, The good of the many's no waste. A policeman of Little Rock, Ark, In a riot a slug struck Ms. Dwyer A burglar in Rome filled his bag The cop stopped to tuck in his shirt, Detectives frustrated in Natchez! Remember when you lived in Georgia, Behind billboards they may congregate, In the front of a Ford LTD Catching speeders is what cops do best. Two workmen I know, they were tricked; In court, a preposterous tale A quick witted laundress named Dot (in Ellery Queen magazine)
Meticulous, careful, and fair police.
No point to contest
An Air force arrest,
So never say, I wasn't there, police.
--- Anon
Of order he's very protective.
On his nerves it will grate
If a picture's not straight.
He's the anal retentive detective.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0301
When cornered, he beat a retreat.
Next he beat up a pest
Who resisted arrest,
Then he needed a rest; he was beat.
--- Sheila B
Sympathize, or profess your neutrality.
If some thug claims your space,
With a gun in your face,
You'll be screaming for police brutality.
--- Ann Gasser P9406
To serve and protect and be fair,
New Year's Eve, we retreat
To an underpass street--
That's when Mexicans shoot in the air."
--- Martin Wellborn P9702
Hungry burglars who ate corn and fries?
'Cause wherever they'd been,
They'd been heard and been seen;
Corn has ears and potatoes have eyes.
--- Anon
That officers soon will be there;
Upholding the right
With all of their might,
So criminals better beware.
--- R J Winkler P8501
Was hired, they say thefts at the fair
Were cut nearly in two,
Because nobody knew
When the fellow was looking nor where.
--- A N Wilkins P8501
For by nature he's somewhat protective.
And he's never been blind
To the criminal mind,
Except when he has an objective.
--- Larry Dahl
And he dialed 1-900 for fun.
But this cop on the line
Refused to recline.
Tim dialed it wrong as nine-one-one.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Has a truly Schwartzeneggeresque bod.
When he flexes his delts,
Each policewoman melts,
And the plainclothes dicks all become ha'd.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8501
Who at heart was quite a WISEACRE.
He decided to play,
When G-man passed away.
Made up Hoover like Tammy Faye Bakker.
--- Phil Kinay
Who broke out of a jail just to sin again,
Broke laws by the dozen --
Even stole from his cousin!
So the jail he broke out of, he's in again.
Who was always out walking the beat.
His warning to crooks
As they hid in their nooks,
Was the flapping of falling flat feet.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
I fancied the life of a cop.
But something went wrong,
When I saw my dong;
I knew as a cop I would flop.
--- SFA
Drive more safely when cop cars they see.
But they're empty! The cops
Are in warm coffee shops,
Dunking doughnuts and sweet rolls (for free!).
--- William N Nesbit P9702
"This 'nomen est omen' stuff's trash.
Though we do have, of course,
Men with names on the force
Such as Rash, Mash, and even one Bash.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9406
Whose work proved quite often effective.
He'd think of his history
And clear up a mystery
Whenever he got introspective.
--- Nicholas Knight
Her lips and her hips held such beauty.
But much to my surprise
She looked straight in my eyes,
Saying, "Sir, I'm a cop and on duty."
--- Tom Patton P0302
(Though to you it may seem rather foreign)
To see uniformed Police
On screen -- wrestling in grease.
I just can't get my fill of pop corn.
--- Doug Harris P0507
Asked a bum where the grocery store was.
Said the bum, an old wino,
"Hell, Toots, dam 'fino,
Ask the guy in the dumpster -- he's fuzz..."
--- Robin K Willoughby P8501 A
Of crime, we must make ourselves pure.
Which is just as absurd
As to look for the turd
Of a horse in a pile of manure.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2293
Is that now he is right back on course.
In Provence for a year,
He's revived his career
As the back of a pantomime horse.
--- Bill Wall
Threatened other selves with termination.
The policeman reporting,
The facts not distorting;
It was a hostage situation.
--- Res Ipsa
His glance caused a silence to fall.
His steely blue eye
Killed an incautious fly.
Then he smiled, "Howdy-doody, you-all?"
--- Laurence Perrine P8501
I sometimes think justice is just
Revenge in disguise."
Then Echo replies
In a feinting voice, "Justice is just...."
--- Laurence Perrine P8501
Who bungled their efforts at peace.
They always were flops,
Ridicuous cops,
Whose blunders made nonsense increase.
--- R J Winkler P8501
Who they called Faith, Hope, and Charity.
With their figures so neat,
They took to the street;
Each one was a woman p.c. (police constable)
--- Arthur Pattaffy
A date meant she'd see you in court.
Riding her motorbike,
She was not ladylike.
All the language she'd use was self taught.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
And my name is missing again.
Each time I complain,
They answer "Insane!"
Or "Sir, leave a clue now and then."
--- Irving Superior P8501
Who aspired to life as a sleuth.
But he soon changed his mind,
For it shocked him to find,
The truth is so often uncouth.
--- VOL 1
Eating pastry treats deep fried in grease.
Those allergic to donuts
Must quit or else go nuts,
And eventually cyst and decease.
--- Jerry Nordal P0106
Whose captain commanded him "Stop!"
So he did every day,
As he went on his way,
To the neighborhood's fresh donut shop
--- Bob Birch P0106
This is file zhm
From whoring she cashed in her chips.
It was pilfered en route
By a mailman hirsute,
Who got chancres and sores on the lips.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0864
Was a terror to motorists when parking.
When parked at a meter,
They often would greet her:
I'm already too late! You're just larking!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
The mountebank announced in shock,
That fate was unjust,
But law, if it must
By hick jury, pick pillory stock.
--- Chris Papa
Finds a few bleeding hearts--(one will do).
If he screams loud enough,
Moans and groans, does his stuff,
He can't help make a million or two.
--- Ann Gasser P9406
So your life I should not endanger.
My husband's a cop.
With words this must stop.
Don't want to see blood in my manger.
--- Anon
A big loser received this veiled threat:
"Pay the money you owe
Or you may come to know
That there's often no life after debt."
--- William F Smith P9108
And, stubbornly, neither will budge,
A punch in the jaw
Is frowned on by law
And hardly wins points from a judge.
--- R J Winkler P8501
Well-disciplined good guys in blue.
If some eggs get nicked,
A few butts get kicked,
They're doing what they're paid to do.
--- Ann Gasser P9406
Was chased by a big kangaroo;
The pickpocket said,
"May God strike me dead,
If I thought of pickpocketing you!"
--- Limber Limericks
Wore gloves to stop any germ he
Might happen to get
Should his nightstick get wet,
And contact a disease -- epidermly.
--- Writerman
By walking nude into the station.
But a male cop, erect,
Upstanding, select,
Relieved all by his quick penetration.
--- Lance Payne P8501
Was known as a rascal and gyp,
And because of his ways,
He ended his days
With neither a friend nor a ship.
--- Alsops Foibles
"Though I've never had time to chase dames,
In the still of the night
I can still get delight
When I pause to recall my old flames."
--- Mark Grenier P9108a
For everything there's on a slant;
Not a crook in the town,
But with hills up and down,
People try to go straight, but they can't.
--- Donald Bishop,Ontario102a
She never had need to use mace.
With a thief to restrain,
She would not inflict pain,
But would gently sit down on his face.
--- Thomal G Keller P9406
Whose winnings were kept in his car.
He was running a rack
When a thief stole his sack,
And spent every last cent in a bar!
--- Joseph Eldridge
Was seduced by a beautiful haw -- [whore]
Just because, so she said,
She felt safer in bed
When she lay in the arms of the law.
--- Hugh Oliver A017A
Once screwed half the force on a dare;
From the heat of this game,
Her parts burst into flame,
So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare!
--- Big Little Playoy Lims
A lie that will serve as a stopper,
You won't, as a rule,
Be able to fool
A semi-intelligent copper.
--- R J Winkler P8501 a
He died without saying goodbye;
He would not have guessed
He'd be sent to his rest,
On a day that our planet would cry.
--- Cap'n Bean P0111
Taught to steal by the sheepherder's cook,
'Till the others got wise
And got in on the prize.
From then on, he was the shepherd's crook.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0303
So what if for one you've a taste.
If cops had the might
To shoot 'em on sight,
We'd all be dead fuckers, post haste.
--- Anon
Although frequently wide of the mark,
Has a barrel of fun
With his masculine gun,
As he blasts off his shot in the dark.
--- Keith MacMillan A018B
And the cops quizzed a rube testifier.
When they asked, "Was she shot
In the fracas or not?",
He answered, "No, about three inches higher."
--- Bob Giandomenico P9406a
With a surfeit of silvery swag.
All the aurums are a bore,
But I simply adore
The argentum (in shorter form, Ag).
--- Anon
Then he whispered, "I hope this won't hurt
Your feelings, young miss,
Stated badly like this --
But it seems you've forgotten your skirt."
--- Robin K Willoughby P8501
This burglar who liked to snatch snatches,
Would latch on the patch
Of each snatch he would catch,
But fingerprints, none of them match his.
--- Irving Superior P8501a
How some things there certainly fleorgia?
For instance, the sherrif
Could give you a scare if
He got off his horse and came teorgia!
--- Norm Storer
While digesting those donuts they ate.
They're brave officers; still,
They are eager to fill
Speeding quotas -- the bad guys can wait.
--- William N Nesbit
Waited Officer Malcolm McGee,
Watching cars speeding by,
Eating hot apple pie,
Saying, "This is the job that's for me!"
--- Cap'n Bean
They have quotas and count each arrest.
If they chased the killers
As in TV thrillers,
They'd get crazy and overly stressed,
--- Tom Patton
While resting at lunch, they picnicked
On the synagogue lawn.
But were later forlorn
When they found that their tools had been nicked.
--- Doug Harris
Is often of little avail.
You must come a cropper,
For any smart copper
Will prove that your story will fail.
--- R J Winkler P8501
Heard a burglar and rushed to the spot.
He tried to sneak out
But she gave him a clout
And struck while the iron was hot.
--- Marguerite BuranelliP9108
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