A grave robber named Nicholas Nob There was a blind psychic named Gail, A mean teenaged hooker from Bled If you think our race policy fails, Said a bogus-check passer named Draper, (in Ellery Queen magazine)
A young fellow of sexual high wattage A burglar a bungler can be, There once was a burglar named Fox, I'm sorry I gave you a fright, There was an old lady who said, There was a young toff named Geraint, A criminal who wore many guises, The biography of Wilson Miller In the hands of an able assassin, There was a young bank clerk of Fakenham, The criminals flooding all nations A thief being stretched on his back There was a tree hugger named Quayles, This tale's of a dyslexic, who I met this old man from Texas, A Bedfordshire man named Spooner, You reckon I came from an egg? Moll Flanders "a girl of the street," There once was a punk named John Briscoe 'Twas a scandal -- The Honorable Maude A young fellow-me-lad, I'll call Gar, A hard-bitten drab called Miss X, A dastardly fellow named Willy Dreamed hotblooded jailbird, young Ira, There was a young fellow from Wheeling, The convict named Mulligan whines: In my 30 years I've traveled well; "I've bought you a Porsche," said Gail,
This is file zdm
There was a young man with a van "Hey Gran; I've a brilliant plan!" "And then what, young man?" said his Gran. Said a kidnapping victim named Sue (in Ellery Queen magazine)
A sweet chubby fellow, named little Tom Dellow, The poor little soul, unused to control, A cat-burglar, Charlie the Creep, A librarian who secretly took (in Ellery Queen magazine)
To the whole TV bit you should listen, A burglar from Newton Purcell An ambitious locksmith named Kilgore, The master calligrapher, George, A heartless old whore from Berlin, (Mickey Finn - chloral hydrate, knockout drops)
Sue Ellen by cops was defamed; Said Poirot to Hastings, "Don't scowl; After transacting at the local bank It certainly sticks in one's craw, Editorial boards at the Times There once was a man named LaCroix, Harry the Dip picked a pocket, A fellow named Meanie McDykes With the police still hot on his trail, It shouldn't come as a surprise A guy that I met, a real felon, That felon's a very bad crook; Being not just a felon, but crude, RECIDIVISM's bad in a way, A Gypsy once gave me this clue: (plenty of blue-haired grannies in Vegas)
I've searched from the Pole to the Cape, A Welsh miser who resided in Flint, "The secret of how you can pick up Boys will be boys, it is said, There once was a girl named Marie Smuggling's a first rate profession,
Was arrested while leaving his "job."
He was brought to the station
And expressed indignation:
"It sure beats aerobics, by God!"
--- Anon
Who was quite proficient in Braille.
When she held a note,
That an embezzler wrote,
She said, "This is clearly black mail!"
--- Observer
Enticed married men to her bed;
Just bait for a jail,
She'd threaten blackmail,
And take them for thousands instead.
--- Armand Singer
Check out stats on all types of house sales.
Blacks and Hispanics
Really help avert panics,
For so many of them live in jails.
--- John Miller 0362
When the cops foiled the guy's latest caper,
"I'm chagrined, it is true,
That my plan's fallen through--
But it certainly looked good on paper.
--- Mark Grenier P9108
Had to forfeit the claim to his cottage,
Just to stay out of court
For his deeds. So in short,
Sold his birthright for a mess of frottage.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh
If he burgles a burgher like me.
For I'm Mighty Mac,
And I'd give him a smack;
Would make him a ham-burger with glee.
--- Peter Collingwood
Who was an expert at picking locks.
He used special picks
And locksmithing tricks
He'd learned at the school of hard knocks.
--- William K Alsop Jr
When I grabbed you and tied you up tight.
But it's a burgular's duty
When stealing his booty,
To leave you to struggle all night.
--- Gillian B
When she found a thief under her bed,
"So near to the floor,
And so close to the door!
I'm afraid you'll catch cold in your head."
--- Linda Marsh Coll
Who definitely was not a saint.
When caught up by his past
Said 'twas over at last.
He said to live honestly's quaint.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Could transform into all shapes and sizes.
Putting police to the test,
Led to his arrest;
He finished up at the local assizes.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Was turned into a most gruesome thriller.
Battle Creek, Michigan,
Was where it began,
With the birth of that cereal killer.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P0203
Or punks robbing delicatessens,
If the gun's not defective
From the shooter's perpective,
Don't go whining to Colt, Smith & Wesson.
--- Dr Limerick
Who at bank notes was clever at fakin' 'em.
But be did one too many
And now hasn't any;
To prison the coppers have taken 'im.
--- Beda Herbert
Are engaged in with wrong occupations.
They are wily, rapacious,
With an instinct predacious,
But lack credit to start corporations.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 P9308
On the torture-tool, ready to crack,
With a maid on his belly,
Cried "I'm comin', dear Nelly!
"Oh Lord, won't you cut me some slack!"
--- Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0011
Who was an expert at driving in nails.
She drove spikes in the bark
Of trees in the dark,
While hoping to avoid any jails.
--- William K Alsop Jr
Bank-robbed with some help from the zoo.
His heist, though he planned it,
Turned strange, for the bandit
Wrote "Give me cash. I have a gnu."
--- Cynthia MacGregor
Who had just eleven exes.
He called them all honey,
And stole all their money;
And now he drives a new Lexus.
--- Jed Crandall
Whom we shall see later or sooner,
Said, "I'm off -- goodbye all.
I shan't hear if you call,
I'm taking a cruise on a schooner!"
--- Daily Telegraph 25 Mar 74
And now for forgiveness you beg.
Well, I'll lift my curses,
For one of those nurses
You know, and a full cider keg.
--- Anon
Was well versed in the art of deceit;
Transported for crime,
Moll repents in good time.
She's the felon who fell on her feet.
--- Become Well-read P0301
Who couldn't get into a disco.
So he put on a frown
And burned the place down,
Making his enemies Crisco.
--- VOL 6
Was tried and found guilty of fraud.
She added some noughts
To a cheque of Lord Gotz,
One day, when she felt rather odd.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Could drive almost any make car.
He has very few faults.
As his friends blow up vaults,
He's the best getaway driver, by far.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Relieved men of their paychecks.
"A knock on the head,
Does not kill them dead,
And I like it much better than sex."
--- Marlene Lewis
Was arrested for stealing a filly.
Did they say, "That's O.K.,
She was lame anyway,
So we're letting you go?" Not really.
--- Cyber Geezer
"I must undertake a hegira;
When I am released
I'll hit the Near East
And screw all the broads in Palmyra.
--- Armand E Singer 493
Who made extra from illicit dealing.
He gave himself airs;
Had no worries or cares,
'Til the cops picked him up in Darjeeling.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
"At my trial there were ominous signs
The cops didn't believe
The stains on my sleeve,
Were actually ketchup by Heinz."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun
Been to places you can't even spell.
From Budapest to Juneau,
So speak of what you know.
Like the inside of your jail cell.
--- Anon
With some cash from our last diamond sale.
It's real nifty and fast,
And I'm sure it will last
Twenty years till you get out of jail.
--- Friar
Who thought up a devilish plan:
To capture, at leisure,
A girl for his pleasure;
And went to discuss it with Gran.
--- Anon
"So tell me about it," said Gran.
"I'll kidnap some sweet
Little girl off the street,
And I'll bundle her into my van."
--- Anon
"Dunno," said that foolish young man.
"Quite frankly, my son,
And when all's said and done,
I ain't heard of a lousier plan."
--- Anon
To her handsome abductor, "It's true
That I've never know crooks
Who could move me with looks,
But I must say that I'm taken with you."
--- Mark Grenier P9108
His mamma to a neighbor did lend,
With cauthon to stop
At a greengrocer's shop,
While she went to visit a friend.
--- Anon
Over the threshold just happened to stray.
When a sly cunning dame,
Mary Magnay by name,
Enticed the young truant away.
--- Anon
Thought the lady he robbed was asleep.
Till she suddenly spoke,
Saying, "Be a good bloke --
Leave my dentures. The rest you can keep.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Priceless volumes out from their nook,
Was not even suspected
When the crime was detected,
For she had done all her thefts by the book.
--- William F Smith P9108
Absorbing those parts that you're missin'.
'Til the last of my breath?
I'd prefer a quick death,
To all of my life spent in prison.
--- Anon
Once abstracted some jewels to sell;
But a constable caught
Him and took him to court,
And they've locked him away in a cell.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
While moonlightling one night in a store,
Was still busy at five
When the cops did arrive...
He was making a bolt for the door.
--- Observer
Each evening at dinner would gorge
On filet mignon
And tart Grey Poupon,
He'd buy with the checks he could forge.
--- Cyber Geezer
Used guile to entice her johns in;
Then she stole all their dollars,
As they took off their collars
And had a small glass of M. Finn.
--- Armand E Singer 218
She'd stolen four paintings, they claimed.
Then the jailor, a punk,
Screwed her on her cell bunk;
Poor lady was mounted and framed.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0510Q
Just keep on digging with that trowel."
"Oh Good heavens! It's here!"
Cried young Hastings in fear.
A dead chicken. It's Murder Most Fowl."
--- Peter Wilkins
With a gun, my heart quickly sank.
When I returned to the lot,
With the funds that I got,
I discovered no gas in the tank.
--- Ron Sartain TP9804
When our many minions of law,
Can't seem to ENJOIN
Those few who purloin,
And play out each criminal flaw.
--- Chris Papa
Eschew my lascivious rhymes.
Perhaps they'll relent,
When my hormones are spent,
And I write about murderous crimes.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun
Who fill everybody with awe.
His thoughts dark and bloody
Were scary to study,
And kept him outside of the law.
--- Nicholas Knight
And stole a watch. He could hock it.
Then he swiped a purse
From a careless nurse;
In it was a solid gold locket.
--- William K Alsop Jr
Dug a hole that he filled with some spikes,
By the side of a trail,
Where he planned to impale
Stray animals, joggers and tykes.
--- Cap'n Bean P0206
He was tempted by fanny for sale,
So the crook went to bed,
With a price on his head,
And a girl with a price on her tail!
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
That our public servants, so wise,
Whose salary is small,
Live well after all,
And with graft and greed aggrandize.
--- Chris Papa P0608
Told me he once had had a big melon.
Well, I think if fruit
Or some veggie's your suit,
A banana or carrot's more fillin'!
--- Anon
The greens and the fruit he just took.
Then making it worse,
With unopened purse,
Walked out of the shop with a chook. (Aussie for chicken)
--- Anon
The guy didn't say "had", he said "screwed".
The rape of the fruit
Was his boast -- oh, the brute!
Do you sheep-rapers think he is lewd?
--- Anon
A game hardened-criminals play,
Who at every turn,
Just can't seem to learn,
That crime never does seem to pay.
--- Chris Papa
"A flaxen haired girl is for you."
I've searched all my life,
But can't find a wife
With tresses of flax-flower blue.
--- Tiddy Ogg
But sight of same thus far escapes.
And so in frustration,
To much condemnation,
I fear I've resorted to rape.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Kept his money at home, now he's skint!
Thieves entered and went;
Now he has not a cent;
No money, not even a hint!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Some cash really easy, is kick up
Your heels just for fun,
And point your damn gun
At folks and say, "This is a stickup!"
--- Anon
And a boy sometimes makes someone dead.
So we send him to school
So he's nobody's fool --
Next time he'll go scott-free instead.
--- John Miller 0361c
Who climbed to the top of a tree;
And then, just for fun
She took out a gun
And went on a big shooting spree.
--- Anon
If your clientele has an obsession.
If you live near a border,
Take your client's order;
They'll soon have it in their possession.
--- Arthur Pattaffy