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A grave robber named Nicholas Nob
Was arrested while leaving his "job."
He was brought to the station
And expressed indignation:
"It sure beats aerobics, by God!"
--- Anon

There was a blind psychic named Gail,
Who was quite proficient in Braille.
When she held a note,
That an embezzler wrote,
She said, "This is clearly black mail!"
--- Observer

A mean teenaged hooker from Bled
Enticed married men to her bed;
Just bait for a jail,
She'd threaten blackmail,
And take them for thousands instead.
--- Armand Singer

If you think our race policy fails,
Check out stats on all types of house sales.
Blacks and Hispanics
Really help avert panics,
For so many of them live in jails.
--- John Miller 0362

Said a bogus-check passer named Draper,
When the cops foiled the guy's latest caper,
"I'm chagrined, it is true,
That my plan's fallen through--
But it certainly looked good on paper.

(in Ellery Queen magazine)
--- Mark Grenier P9108

A young fellow of sexual high wattage
Had to forfeit the claim to his cottage,
Just to stay out of court
For his deeds. So in short,
Sold his birthright for a mess of frottage.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh

A burglar a bungler can be,
If he burgles a burgher like me.
For I'm Mighty Mac,
And I'd give him a smack;
Would make him a ham-burger with glee.
--- Peter Collingwood

There once was a burglar named Fox,
Who was an expert at picking locks.
He used special picks
And locksmithing tricks
He'd learned at the school of hard knocks.
--- William K Alsop Jr

I'm sorry I gave you a fright,
When I grabbed you and tied you up tight.
But it's a burgular's duty
When stealing his booty,
To leave you to struggle all night.
--- Gillian B

There was an old lady who said,
When she found a thief under her bed,
"So near to the floor,
And so close to the door!
I'm afraid you'll catch cold in your head."
--- Linda Marsh Coll

There was a young toff named Geraint,
Who definitely was not a saint.
When caught up by his past
Said 'twas over at last.
He said to live honestly's quaint.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

A criminal who wore many guises,
Could transform into all shapes and sizes.
Putting police to the test,
Led to his arrest;
He finished up at the local assizes.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

The biography of Wilson Miller
Was turned into a most gruesome thriller.
Battle Creek, Michigan,
Was where it began,
With the birth of that cereal killer.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P0203

In the hands of an able assassin,
Or punks robbing delicatessens,
If the gun's not defective
From the shooter's perpective,
Don't go whining to Colt, Smith & Wesson.
--- Dr Limerick

There was a young bank clerk of Fakenham,
Who at bank notes was clever at fakin' 'em.
But be did one too many
And now hasn't any;
To prison the coppers have taken 'im.
--- Beda Herbert

The criminals flooding all nations
Are engaged in with wrong occupations.
They are wily, rapacious,
With an instinct predacious,
But lack credit to start corporations.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 P9308

A thief being stretched on his back
On the torture-tool, ready to crack,
With a maid on his belly,
Cried "I'm comin', dear Nelly!
"Oh Lord, won't you cut me some slack!"
--- Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0011

There was a tree hugger named Quayles,
Who was an expert at driving in nails.
She drove spikes in the bark
Of trees in the dark,
While hoping to avoid any jails.
--- William K Alsop Jr

This tale's of a dyslexic, who
Bank-robbed with some help from the zoo.
His heist, though he planned it,
Turned strange, for the bandit
Wrote "Give me cash. I have a gnu."
--- Cynthia MacGregor

I met this old man from Texas,
Who had just eleven exes.
He called them all honey,
And stole all their money;
And now he drives a new Lexus.
--- Jed Crandall

A Bedfordshire man named Spooner,
Whom we shall see later or sooner,
Said, "I'm off -- goodbye all.
I shan't hear if you call,
I'm taking a cruise on a schooner!"
--- Daily Telegraph 25 Mar 74

You reckon I came from an egg?
And now for forgiveness you beg.
Well, I'll lift my curses,
For one of those nurses
You know, and a full cider keg.
--- Anon

Moll Flanders "a girl of the street,"
Was well versed in the art of deceit;
Transported for crime,
Moll repents in good time.
She's the felon who fell on her feet.
--- Become Well-read P0301

There once was a punk named John Briscoe
Who couldn't get into a disco.
So he put on a frown
And burned the place down,
Making his enemies Crisco.
--- VOL 6

'Twas a scandal -- The Honorable Maude
Was tried and found guilty of fraud.
She added some noughts
To a cheque of Lord Gotz,
One day, when she felt rather odd.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

A young fellow-me-lad, I'll call Gar,
Could drive almost any make car.
He has very few faults.
As his friends blow up vaults,
He's the best getaway driver, by far.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

A hard-bitten drab called Miss X,
Relieved men of their paychecks.
"A knock on the head,
Does not kill them dead,
And I like it much better than sex."
--- Marlene Lewis

A dastardly fellow named Willy
Was arrested for stealing a filly.
Did they say, "That's O.K.,
She was lame anyway,
So we're letting you go?" Not really.
--- Cyber Geezer

Dreamed hotblooded jailbird, young Ira,
"I must undertake a hegira;
When I am released
I'll hit the Near East
And screw all the broads in Palmyra.
--- Armand E Singer 493

There was a young fellow from Wheeling,
Who made extra from illicit dealing.
He gave himself airs;
Had no worries or cares,
'Til the cops picked him up in Darjeeling.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

The convict named Mulligan whines:
"At my trial there were ominous signs
The cops didn't believe
The stains on my sleeve,
Were actually ketchup by Heinz."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun

In my 30 years I've traveled well;
Been to places you can't even spell.
From Budapest to Juneau,
So speak of what you know.
Like the inside of your jail cell.
--- Anon

"I've bought you a Porsche," said Gail,
With some cash from our last diamond sale.
It's real nifty and fast,
And I'm sure it will last
Twenty years till you get out of jail.
--- Friar

This is file zdm

There was a young man with a van
Who thought up a devilish plan:
To capture, at leisure,
A girl for his pleasure;
And went to discuss it with Gran.
--- Anon

"Hey Gran; I've a brilliant plan!"
"So tell me about it," said Gran.
"I'll kidnap some sweet
Little girl off the street,
And I'll bundle her into my van."
--- Anon

"And then what, young man?" said his Gran.
"Dunno," said that foolish young man.
"Quite frankly, my son,
And when all's said and done,
I ain't heard of a lousier plan."
--- Anon

Said a kidnapping victim named Sue
To her handsome abductor, "It's true
That I've never know crooks
Who could move me with looks,
But I must say that I'm taken with you."

(in Ellery Queen magazine)
--- Mark Grenier P9108

A sweet chubby fellow, named little Tom Dellow,
His mamma to a neighbor did lend,
With cauthon to stop
At a greengrocer's shop,
While she went to visit a friend.
--- Anon

The poor little soul, unused to control,
Over the threshold just happened to stray.
When a sly cunning dame,
Mary Magnay by name,
Enticed the young truant away.
--- Anon

A cat-burglar, Charlie the Creep,
Thought the lady he robbed was asleep.
Till she suddenly spoke,
Saying, "Be a good bloke --
Leave my dentures. The rest you can keep.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

A librarian who secretly took
Priceless volumes out from their nook,
Was not even suspected
When the crime was detected,
For she had done all her thefts by the book.

(in Ellery Queen magazine)
--- William F Smith P9108

To the whole TV bit you should listen,
Absorbing those parts that you're missin'.
'Til the last of my breath?
I'd prefer a quick death,
To all of my life spent in prison.
--- Anon

A burglar from Newton Purcell
Once abstracted some jewels to sell;
But a constable caught
Him and took him to court,
And they've locked him away in a cell.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

An ambitious locksmith named Kilgore,
While moonlightling one night in a store,
Was still busy at five
When the cops did arrive...
He was making a bolt for the door.
--- Observer

The master calligrapher, George,
Each evening at dinner would gorge
On filet mignon
And tart Grey Poupon,
He'd buy with the checks he could forge.
--- Cyber Geezer

A heartless old whore from Berlin,
Used guile to entice her johns in;
Then she stole all their dollars,
As they took off their collars
And had a small glass of M. Finn.

(Mickey Finn - chloral hydrate, knockout drops)
--- Armand E Singer 218

Sue Ellen by cops was defamed;
She'd stolen four paintings, they claimed.
Then the jailor, a punk,
Screwed her on her cell bunk;
Poor lady was mounted and framed.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0510Q

Said Poirot to Hastings, "Don't scowl;
Just keep on digging with that trowel."
"Oh Good heavens! It's here!"
Cried young Hastings in fear.
A dead chicken. It's Murder Most Fowl."
--- Peter Wilkins

After transacting at the local bank
With a gun, my heart quickly sank.
When I returned to the lot,
With the funds that I got,
I discovered no gas in the tank.
--- Ron Sartain TP9804

It certainly sticks in one's craw,
When our many minions of law,
Can't seem to ENJOIN
Those few who purloin,
And play out each criminal flaw.
--- Chris Papa

Editorial boards at the Times
Eschew my lascivious rhymes.
Perhaps they'll relent,
When my hormones are spent,
And I write about murderous crimes.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun

There once was a man named LaCroix,
Who fill everybody with awe.
His thoughts dark and bloody
Were scary to study,
And kept him outside of the law.
--- Nicholas Knight

Harry the Dip picked a pocket,
And stole a watch. He could hock it.
Then he swiped a purse
From a careless nurse;
In it was a solid gold locket.
--- William K Alsop Jr

A fellow named Meanie McDykes
Dug a hole that he filled with some spikes,
By the side of a trail,
Where he planned to impale
Stray animals, joggers and tykes.
--- Cap'n Bean P0206

With the police still hot on his trail,
He was tempted by fanny for sale,
So the crook went to bed,
With a price on his head,
And a girl with a price on her tail!
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner

It shouldn't come as a surprise
That our public servants, so wise,
Whose salary is small,
Live well after all,
And with graft and greed aggrandize.
--- Chris Papa P0608

A guy that I met, a real felon,
Told me he once had had a big melon.
Well, I think if fruit
Or some veggie's your suit,
A banana or carrot's more fillin'!
--- Anon

That felon's a very bad crook;
The greens and the fruit he just took.
Then making it worse,
With unopened purse,
Walked out of the shop with a chook. (Aussie for chicken)
--- Anon

Being not just a felon, but crude,
The guy didn't say "had", he said "screwed".
The rape of the fruit
Was his boast -- oh, the brute!
Do you sheep-rapers think he is lewd?
--- Anon

RECIDIVISM's bad in a way,
A game hardened-criminals play,
Who at every turn,
Just can't seem to learn,
That crime never does seem to pay.
--- Chris Papa

A Gypsy once gave me this clue:
"A flaxen haired girl is for you."
I've searched all my life,
But can't find a wife
With tresses of flax-flower blue.

(plenty of blue-haired grannies in Vegas)
--- Tiddy Ogg

I've searched from the Pole to the Cape,
But sight of same thus far escapes.
And so in frustration,
To much condemnation,
I fear I've resorted to rape.
--- Tiddy Ogg

A Welsh miser who resided in Flint,
Kept his money at home, now he's skint!
Thieves entered and went;
Now he has not a cent;
No money, not even a hint!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

"The secret of how you can pick up
Some cash really easy, is kick up
Your heels just for fun,
And point your damn gun
At folks and say, "This is a stickup!"
--- Anon

Boys will be boys, it is said,
And a boy sometimes makes someone dead.
So we send him to school
So he's nobody's fool --
Next time he'll go scott-free instead.
--- John Miller 0361c

There once was a girl named Marie
Who climbed to the top of a tree;
And then, just for fun
She took out a gun
And went on a big shooting spree.
--- Anon

Smuggling's a first rate profession,
If your clientele has an obsession.
If you live near a border,
Take your client's order;
They'll soon have it in their possession.
--- Arthur Pattaffy


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