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Said the lady from Idaho, "We
Get all our potatoes for free,
'Cause they fall off the trucks."
Said the New Yorker, "Shucks,
That's how we got our TV."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0208

I'm a rogue and a peasanty slave;
I can't even cry;can't seem to rave.
But I'll put on a play,
No more I'll delay!
Then go out and start a crime wave!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

If there is a stock market crash,
Rob a small store and then dash.
Dana Plato once did --
Got money, then hid.
The things that we do for some cash.
--- Julie Wiskirchen

In Berlin there is a thief named Nolan;
All the things ever owned he had stolen.
Throughout life he would drift
And would find things to lift;
Even bread in the house was stollen. (sweet yeast bread)
--- Tom Patton P0412

There once was a young man named Frank,
Wrote a system to access his bank.
When his memory failed him,
They nailed him, then jailed him;
Now his storage is basic and dank.
--- W E Sword

A chap with a weakness for locks
Was making a tour of Fort Knox,
When he spotted a fault
In the door of a vault,
He abstracted a dozen gold blocks.
--- Anon

There was a young man of Des Moines
So exceedingly crazy for coins
That he stole a man's plough,
His horse and his cow,
And a fliver he too did purloin.
--- Levi N Fouts P0509

He stocked it and him with corn juice,
And proceeded to turn Satan loose,
Till a mob of police
And the lovers of peace
Got his goat with a rope and a noose.
--- Levi N Fouts P0509

A middle class man from East Lyme,
Felt he had just passed over his prime.
He looked down at his watch,
It's been nicked! Oh my gosh!
Someone's got their hands on my time!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

Johnny has made some inventions,
With only the best of intentions.
But the things that he made
Got nicked in a raid,
And were used to steal old grannies pensions.
--- Phil

For some thieves, Y2K went to plan,
Drowned by noise and the New Year began,
With a revelous bash.
A glass roof they did smash,
To escape with a precious Cezanne!
--- Prof M-G

The baker lay down as if dead;
They say he was struck on the head.
But this tale was not so,
For some men needing dough
Hit him twice in his basket, for bread.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2534

Mary Kaye taught Special Ed so well,
That a sentence of jail time befell.
And the number is high
Of the guards that do vie,
For the post of mid-watch at her cell.
--- The Sailor P0310

I do not have time for the pain
Of wandering down memory lane.
Did I choose the wrong trail?
I don't know -- I made bail!
It's the last time that I rob a train!
--- Marlene

Said a convict in prison at Sale,
"My tunnel's superb. It can't fail."
Through April and May
He dug night and day.
Then came up inside Brixton jail!
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

Hard Rock Cafe has moved Mr Glitter
From upfront, right into the shitter.
The cause of his rage:
He fucked under-age;
From his cell he can only be bitter.
--- Anon

There was a young lad I'll call Josh;
In his pocket he carried a cosh.
If he wanted some cash,
To a bank he would dash.
If he got none, a few skulls he would squash.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

"Your burglary now you've confessed."
The witch said, "Let's see now, what's best.
Yes, metamorphosis
Should cure your psychosis.
A change is as good as a(r)rest.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Oh gee, we got on the plane
And let our poor baby in Spain.
A slight oversight
To forget the wee mite.
The judge says we'll not see her again.
--- Tony Burrell

"We took a cheap flight 'cause we're frugal,
And we left our damn kid in Portugal.
Big deal, we forgot
The milk-puking tot;
Now the judge says we'll not hear her google!"
--- Travis

No doubt that these parents are nuts;
They're brain-dead and neither has guts;
I hope that little lass
Grows muscles in mass,
And someday will wallop their butts!
--- Travis Brasell

"Scotland Yard," said Inspector Freneau,
"Has bid on some painting, you know,
To hang on the walls.
So far all the calls
Are for Sergeants and Constables, though."
--- A N Wilkins P8501

A Mountie of old Musquodobbit
Had a pecker so long, girls would mob it.
But the locker room boys
Would unsettle his poise
With their constant "long arm of the law" bit.
--- Keith MacMillan 33a

I've heard that out west of the Rockies,
Those mounties are famed for their Cockies.
Be they old or young,
They're all so well hung,
That horses refuse them as Jockies.
--- SFA

If you're feeling somewhat crabby,
'Cause your love life's a little bit shabby.
Get a partner, son;
A nice badge and a gun,
And go chase bad guys in Punjabi.
--- Lynn Mostafa

There once was a man named Morse,
Who was superior, of course.
All Oxford cops are,
But he was their star --
God's very own gift to the force.
--- Codfish TP9804

Clever meter-maids in Amsterdam
Launched a novel scheme -- it's no scam!
No more meters for money --
Insert prick down there, honey --
Say the signs -- We collect in our clam.
--- Anon

For male foreigners the fun really starts,
When they're searched by female border guards.
Bet you get an erect
As they gently inspect;
They are very well trained in these arts.
--- Anon

Girls, too, surely won't feel neglected;
They are also thoroughly inspected.
If you've something to hide
From the man -- down inside,
He'll insert his search-tool then erected.
--- Anon

We haven't such beauties like Bess;
There's a bright side to it, nonetheless.
Peter, our prime bull,
Has his testes chockfull,
So you fair ladies surely care less.
--- Anon

In England a Bobby or Peeler
Will hearken to words of a squealer,
When actions are criminal
(Overt or subliminal)
In shops, or at cards, by a dealer.
--- R J Winkler P8501

There was a bad man in Madrid
Who was chased by police, so he hid.
He hid all the day
In a sewer, they say.
And that's why he's covered with shid.
--- Michael Palin

The handsome High Sheriff Of Argyll
Has such an arresting smile.
Then, with ladies in cuffs,
He'd tickle their muffs
While tapping his stick on the tile.
--- Tom

This is file zcm

The coach road from London to Bath:
Here's Mr and Mrs McGrath,
With daughter, la belle
Clarissa. A yell!
A horseman is blocking their path.
--- Anon

Hey! Stan (Dandy) Liver's my name,
And stealing from travellers my game,
Especially when posh,
So hand over your dosh;
And also I'll take that young dame."
--- Anon

The guns of the highwayman bold
Don't waver; they give him their gold,
And poor little Clarrie,
Has no chance to tarry;
Stan drags her out into the cold.
--- Anon

He bundles her onto his horse,
And mutters in language most coarse,
Of sexual plans
For his huge throbbing glans,
And her being taken by force.
--- Anon

They stop in a warm woodland glade;
He stands eyeing up our fair maid.
She lifts up her dress,
In hopes to impress:
"This bitch really wants to get laid!"
--- Anon

Half smiling, she gives him a glance,
As his fumbling hands pull down his pants.
She grabs for the purse
Of gold; With a curse,
He lunges, falls; she takes her chance.
--- Anon

Still holding aloft her silk gown,
She's up on his horse, off to town.
The moral, you'll master:
A gal can run faster
With skirts up, than man with pants down.
--- Anon

Sir Robert Peel did bring home BOBBY
To patrol London streets so mobby.
The ladies of night
Kept more out of sight,
Behind Savoy with guys less snobby.
--- Daniel Ford

A little old lady from Greece
Had a very horny young niece.
She was always in bed
'Cause she liked to give head
To the Mayor and the Chief of Police.
--- Bobby

In Mexico, when all the Po-leez
Give poor leedle Pedro parole, heez
Supposed to report
Every week with a quart
Of tacos and fresh-fried frijoles.
--- Norm Storer P9201

In Mexico, when all the Po-leez
Give poor leedle Inez parole, sheez
To come to the jail
Every week without fail,
With her seezter and bestow frijoles.
--- Martin Wellborn P9201

There was a young athlete called Pete,
Who sex life began in the street --
Jogging 'round Piccadilly,
He felt stiff in his willie,
And mounted a Bobbie on beat!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

"All hail to our mounted police!
May their glory and fame never cease!"
First, let's hear recounted
On whom they are mounted --
Of what are they getting a piece?
--- Lance Payne P8501

A mounted policeman named Fred
Felt his under-there crawl as he said,
"I view with remorse
That I must mount a horse,
When I'd rather mount women, instead."
--- Grand Prix Lim 608

My Mountie friend, Cecil McCann,
Says that always getting his man
Is becoming a bore.
He'd like some amour,
Some dancing, some wine, a nice flan...
--- Ericka

It's likely -- this may send a shiver
Down John's spine and might make him quiver --
That, like many elite
Squad the Mounties complete
Their duties both sides of the river.
--- Ulla

The chief of police in Cologne
Was dating a meter maid, Joan.
He was slow in his sparking,
So she fined him for parking
To long in her No Parking zone.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0092

Though Bernie sometimes could a slob be,
Chasing girls was his favorite hobby.
But poor Mr. Gluck
Ran clean out of luck
Chasing after that sly British "Bobby".
--- Shelby Forrest

Said a London detective named Jason,
"My promotion to sergeant I'll hasten
If I'm good at my job,
Have a care with my gob,
Hold my drink and become a Freemason."
--- Alexander Baron

When they told an old woman named Todd,
That her son, who had left the Old Sod,
Was wanted in Nice
By the local police,
She replied that their taste appeared odd.
--- A N Wilkins P8501

It happened St. Valentine's Day;
These gangsters were all blown away.
So Hitler, adapter,
Entitled a chapter
REPRISALS -- the Al Capone way.
--- Irving Superior P9002

As she sat with Capone drinking beer,
Said the moll to old Scarface, "My dear,
Do you carry by chance
A gun in your pants,
Or are you simply happy I'm here?"
--- Phil Cannibal P9001

Capone was no minimal criminal.
By responding to urges subliminal,
He gave, in his time,
To organized crime
New methods phenomenally seminal.
--- Laurence Perrine P9002

The head of the mob, Al Capone,
Thought that his crimes were unknown,
But the I.R.S. nailed him;
His false return jailed him.
Moral, Don't cheat on your own.

(in Ellery Queen magazine)
--- Lillian de la Torre P9108

If the murderous Alphonse Capone
Lived at this time, I'm sure he would moan,
"With all the other jazz
I face at Alcatraz,
I cannot even have a cell phone."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9710

AL FRESCO, Sicilian Don rare,
Dined with the utmost of care
In the open space,
So foes couldn't place
Explosives 'neath restauarant chair.
--- Chris Papa

Though FEALTY, the Mafia tries
To obtain from all of the guys.
Some of his long hires
Might wear hidden wires,
Then get cement boots as a prize.
--- Chris Papa

There are those, a mite indiscrete,
Who both the Mob and the IRS cheat.
Though each one may levy
A penalty heavy,
The Mob's can be much more concrete.
--- John Miller 0098

The Cosa Nostra called comorra,
Even in Eire, faith and begorrah,
Most oft be fought
Without a thought
Of opening the box Pandora.
--- Daniel Ford

This nasty old mobster named Voight,
Did do in ten dons from Detroit;
Quite toothless and couthless,
But utterly ruthless,
And ever-so-deadly adroit.
--- Armand Singer

The saga of Corleone, Don:
The Angel of Death came upon
To solemnly proffer
A No-refuse offer;
The Corleone circle, full drawn.
--- Irving Superior P9002

A sensitive hitman, Frank Nitty,
He'd fume when he'd hear "Nitty gritty,"
But these he did not.
The ones that he shot
Were those who would sneeringly, "Nit, he!"
--- Irving Superior P9002

A little known fact about gangsters --
The reason they call their molls "bangsters",
Is partly it rhymes
And partly at times
These gangsters were also gang-bangers.
--- Irving Superior P9002


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