In Marco's Italian cafe, a
Haunt of the Colchester Mafia,
The Godfathers sit
By the window and knit
Little coasters and place-mates of raffia.
--- Peter Wilkins

These gangsters were known as "The Mob."
They would threaten and pilfer and rob.
For them, not unwilling,
The fine art of killing
Was only a dangerous "job."
--- Laurence Perrine P9002

The Mafia makes lots of jack
From the houses, nor is there a lack
Of girls for the trade.
Every day they get laid
To earn enough money for crack.
--- A N Wilkins P9002

The Mafia hitmen all claim
That it's amateurs who are to blame.
They fix jerks for a friend,
Get caught in the end,
And give killing for hire a bad name.
--- A N Wilkins P9002

The saga of Corleone, Mike.
Assass'ing all those he'd dislike.
In church he would be.
Godfather was he.
The prototype, Alibi Ike.
--- Irving Superior P9002

Young Raymond was careless, they say,
In planning his rolls in the hay;
For his last bedded doll
Was a Mob capo's moll--
The result was...some holes in the Ray!
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner

In U.S., politicians are sly;
With mobsters and thugs they ally.
Using cash and coercion,
They resort to subversion
To elect the best men they can buy.
--- Albin Chaplin

Before using Guinea, shut your chops,
'Cause your going to have to call the cops.
This form of adress
Will get you in a mess
With some big-foot, well-connected Wops.
--- Norm Brust

There was an old Mafia blackguard
Who was driven around in a Packard.
He rubbed out a rival,
Not thinking survival,
Soon with bullets his Packard was laquered.
--- Tutta Gioia

A bold byline was given to Gene
For exposing the local machine.
But his glory was brief,
For he wound up beneath
Piles of rocks in the local ravine.
--- William N Nesbit

A young rookie copper named Tony
Thought some of the banknotes were phoney.
His suspicions were true:
He flushed them down the loo.
He was shot by a Mafia croney.
--- Anon

"It's bedtime, pop; tell me a story."
"Here's the Lesson of Joe Pescatore:
He ignored his Don's wishes
And sleeps with the fishes,
So memento, young Michael, your mori."
--- Rory Ewins

The Godfathers don't die in bed
No matter what you have read.
More often than not,
In some public spot,
They're taken quite suddenly dead.
--- Larry Davis P8606

In the Mafia he was not-notch.
And his offspring, to show they weren't Scotch,
When he chose to retire,
Presented their sire
With somebody else's gold watch.
--- A N Wilkins P8511

Ansche Hedgepeth was eating French fries,
On her way home from Deal Junior high.
On the Washington Metro,
Such food is a no-no.
In fact, it's a terrible crime.
--- Dr Limerick 11-17-00

Two men in a pub in Strabane
Drank Guiness and, feeling no pain,
A coat rack attacked,
And by coppers were packed
Away in the drizzling rain.
--- Anon

A certain hardworking young hooker
Was such an enchanting good-looker,
There were fights 'mongst the fuzz
Over whose turn it was
To pinch her and frisk her and book her.
--- Isaac Asimov

A crafty young housemaid from Belaugh,
Was known as a wheeler and dealer;
She stole knifes and forks,
Glasses, bottles, and corks,
And lastly a potato peeler.

(areas around Norfolk)
--- Anon

I'll smash all the windows in Stoke --
I'll not rest until every one's broke.
I'll phone 999.
I'll stay on the line;
I'll blame it on some other bloke.
--- Cyberkeats

Two detectives watched rookie-cop Booker
Come in, cuffed to chick (a real looker!);
Said Dick #1, "I detect
Booker's pecker's erect,"
Said Dick #2, "Booker's booked his first hooker!"
--- Robin K Willoughby P8501

A rookie policeman named Hind
Says his moonlighting job is a find.
He's the bouncer-type fellow
At the local bordello,
And he takes out his salary in kind.
--- A N Wilkins P8501

Breaking statures, a vandal named Custer
Was arrested, but fled in a fluster.
On the lam, he soon spent
His very last cent,
Thus busting this bust-busting buster.
--- Cyber Geezer

Mistakenly locked up I was,
Guilt by association because,
I was there sipping tea,
With Maude under a tree,
When she was raided by the fuzz!
--- Anon

So there I was locked up in jail,
With no money to make my bail.
But thanks to your fame,
By dropping your name,
They traded my bail for tail.
--- Anon

Well, now I know why that cute warden,
Miss Buxom, told me she would pardon
A "tea-sippin' blonde"
If I gave as bond
A whole night to her with a hard 'n.
--- Anon

A pickpocket of feminine gender
Got her hand caught in victim's suspender.
When she let loose the loot,
She dismantled his suit,
Which is why they did not apprehend her.
--- J Maynard Kaplan

A young chimney sweep from Peru
Had child support bills way past due.
To avoid an arrest
He did what he did best
And made his escape up the flue.
--- Evelyn Bogen P9401P

I stopped at the next truck stop
To find me a lizard to bed hop.
I paid her the money,
But it wasn't funny;
She told me that she was a cop.
--- Toolman

At the Met a soprano named Shouse
Made a hit in "Salome" by Strauss.
Since she stripped to the raw
When she danced, but the law
Wore tuxedos and raided the house.
--- A N Wilkins P8501

A sneaky bartender named Bill
Made a habit of skimming the till.
Then one night his boss
Discovered the loss,
And ran his ass over the hill.
--- Bare Bones Book Lim P9407

A nafke once taunted a braw-
Ny policeman who answered her, "Haw!
Let me prosecute you,
You cute prostitute you --
To the fullest extent of the law!"

(nafke - could mean fucker)
--- Robin K Willoughby P8501

A luscious young lovely, Bernice,
Was arrested today by police
For inciting a riot
And trouser disquiet,
And charged with disturbing the piece.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Down lover's lane some couples were walking,
Whilst others were courting and talking.
When a young lady cop
Told them they must stop,
A voice told her she shouldn't be gawking.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

This is file zbm

When convicted of white-collar crimes
For embezzling a few measly dimes,
A cashier call Sharma
Remarked, "It's my Karma!"
And sat calmly reading 'The Times'.
--- Ms Ira Gardner-Smith

"With whores," said an old cop named Lucian,
"I think I have found the solution.
Just don't ever pay
Very much for a lay.
Don't encourage," he said, "prostitution."
--- A N Wilkins P8501

An unemployed Brummie named Stan,
Sold dodgy goods from the back of his van.
To the cops he said, "Sorry!
They fell off a lorry."
But he still got ten months in the can.

(Brummie - slang for Birmingham denizen)
--- Phil T

Police car flashing lights on top
And while you're thinking while you stop,
"He should be chasing crooks
Instead of writing books,"
You flash a smile right at the cop.
--- Irving Superior P8806

Excuses you value as super,
When speeding at 72 per,
Will seldom be utile
Just stupidly futile,
For fooling a dubious trooper.
--- R J Winkler P8501

A butcher's assistant called Phil
Was caught with his hands in the till.
He tried to cut meat
Using only his feet,
But the sight made his customers ill.
--- Michael Palin

The constable wrote on his ticket:
"I found this young man in a thicket.
He was totally nude,
From which I construed
He was guilty of something indicket.
--- Lance Payne P8501

There was a young scoundrel named Hillary,
Who was sentenced to time in the pillory.
After humiliation,
He received liberation,
And headed straight for the distillery!!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

There once was a young man named Dale
Who spent his vacation in jail.
While the rest of the town
Was out getting brown,
Dale sat in jail getting pale.
--- Nancy Ashbaugh P0105

As pure as a new bride's white veil,
As clean as a winter white sale.
As sweet as spring air,
It was damn unfair,
That I had to spend time in jail.
--- Anon

A collector of Thomas Bird Mosher,
When Mosher was labeled a forger,
Became quite irate;
TBM was a pirate,
And his piracy really quite Kosher.
--- Anon

Have you heard of the Boston Brahmin,
Who lays himself out on the common,
Hoping some dude'll
Come tickle his noodle
Before he's arrested by lawmen?
--- Marlene Lewis

The world famous swordsman McGill
Was an expert at dipping his quill.
He screwed the girl well,
And then screwed the motel,
'Cause he left without paying the bill.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0306

The detective examined the clues;
The prints came from a small pair of shoes.
She confronted the perp;
He was her little twerp;
His crime dragging in mud while Mom snoozed.
--- Karen A Romanko

I left them outside when I came,
To pick up when I left, was my aim.
But some long-haired young man
Scooped them up and then ran --
The old neighborhood's just not the same.
--- William N Nesbit P9711

Teetotallers stalwart and hairy
Said, "Fresh milk makes us strong, so be wary."
In the yard about three,
They shouted with glee,
"Come on down, we are looting a dairy."
--- David Finely

A leggy young girl of Scappoose (OR)
Was put in the town calaboose
For spending her time
On much petty crime,
And for morals outrageously loose.
--- Allan Ottley P8804

There was a school student named Lyle
Whose specialised subject was guile.
Things went wrong in the school,
Which wrecked the school pool;
The staff said that was more for his file.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

Lady Harriet Hepplestone Hale,
When asked to post His Lordship's bail,
Wished to know what he'd done,
And when told had her fun,
Letting him spend a few days in gaol.
--- Warrick Elrod

There once was a man from Cancun,
Whose butt swelled up like a balloon.
When he became jailed,
His humor had failed;
He gave his cigarettes away to soon.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

In the old county courthouse they say
A vagrant was charged one fine day,
For no visible support,
And he made this retort,
'Tis the same with the spiral stairway.
--- Saint Joan Limerick P9912

Could Colorado State University
Have its library books stored in a worse city?
I hope it overlooks
Fines on overdue books,
If returned witn no trace of immersity.

(floods spring 1997 at Colorado State)
--- Prof M-G T9707

While waiting at Great Portland Street,
A street urchin, setting at my feet,
Was cleaning my shoes,
But it was just a ruse.
My wallet was gone in a heartbeat.
--- Dan Parslow

Pickpockets, in airport or mall,
Get a very bad press overall.
But if they were not here
Then I very much fear
I'd have really no sex life at all.
--- Mike Dale

In Cairo a man from Poughkeepsie
Bought a bust of King Tut from a crypt. He
Checked its antiquity
Which was A.D. not B.C.
And said, "Tut, tut, that Arab, Egypt me."
--- Ellen Alaka P9506

A pugilist thrives on pugnacity;
A sage is revered for sagacity.
But what is much worse is
That pickers of purses
Are known for their great perspicacity.
--- Lims Unlimited

A lacivious woman named Carol,
After wearing the stocks as apparel,
Said, "Feet set in wood;
I did what I could.
It was like shooting fish in a barrel.
--- Chris Young

At a dance club, one night long ago,
'Twas a boy who just wanted a blow.
Our libidos allied,
So we took it outside;
For the cops, we put on a show.
--- Anon

So exclaimed a rich man from Missouri
As he ran ten red lights in a fury:
"Traffic laws are absurd!"...
Now the last thing I heard,
They're presenting his case to the jury.
--- Vassar Smith P9712

While poking my pecker in Pam,
Al fresco, up comes a white van,
With cop, wielding truncheon;
I'm dragged to the dungeon,
To serve 6 whole months in the can.
--- Tiddy Ogg

I gave her a gift of great price.
She said "Wow! It's real cool! It's real nice,
But next time, my man,
First remove, if you can,
The anti-shoplifting device."
--- Friar TP9804

There was a young lady named Skye
Who oft needed an alibi.
When she went to a store
She forgot to pay for
What she bought. If stopped she'd just cry!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

To shoplifter May they've got wise,
She's up at Hampshire assize. (law court)
When challenged she freezes,
Then constantly sneezes,
Revealing a tissue of lies.
--- Tiddy Ogg

A skillful shoplifter named Herring
Plied his art with admirable daring:
He stole ermine and pearls,
Thirteen salesgirls,
And the clothes the floorwalker was wearing.
--- Dean Walley P8506