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At Darwin, northmost of our ports,
They arrested a smuggler of sorts.
This wild-life tea leaf
Was attempting to leave with
Six pythons concealed in his shorts.
--- Mike Dale

I once loved a girl from the strand;
We'd walk, and I'd hold her hand.
My young love was tested
When she was arrested,
For selling cassettes that were banned!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

If your light turns to red and you stop,
You won't care who hides back of a shop.
But if you race through,
Your next light may be blue,
Flashing STOP on the top of a cop!
--- Prof M-G

A boy who could not pay his fare
On a bus, said: "Pretend I'm not there."
The conductor said "Right!"
And with all his might,
Sat down on him, as on a chair.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1

A detective who worked in a store
Caught a thief stealing knickers galore.
To arrest her he had to,
This one he was glad to --
'Twas his grotty old mother-in-law.
--- Spike Milligan

An angry cafe owner cried, "Hey!
You, little boy, come back I say!
You stole that pork pie!"
But the boy said, "not I.
The notice there says, "TAKE AWAY."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

There was a young fellow named Dirk
Whose whole bloody life was a perk.
His house was all wired,
But none of it hired,
'Cause he nicked it from his place of work.
--- Rollergirl

A young man was drawing the dole;
To have cash on hand was his goal.
Financially unsteady,
Rather short of the ready,
The cash that he had, is what he stole!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

A funny old caretaker, Mr Fixit,
Stole all of the chocolate biscuit.
He nicked all the chairs
When we were unawares;
Only he would have the nerve to risk it.
--- Anon

There was a young lady of Lyme
Who dabbled in all sorts of crime.
For taking a clock,
She was put on the dock,
And the judge said, "For this, you'll do time!"
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

An old man who heckled Jack Straw
Was manhandled out of the door.
But still more alarming
Than needless strong-arming's
Abuse of the new terror law.
--- Jarmo

A just, righteous, somewhat dumb, fella
Always sings in the rain 'a capella'.
Though free of all sin,
He's soaked to the skin,
For an unjust dude swiped his umbrella.
--- Arthur Deex P9706

There was a shoplifter named Zeke,
Who went to the grocers last week.
He had a big smile
In the produce aisle,
When he proceeded to take a leek.
--- Tom Patton P9803

Some of this strife is implicit:
A lifestyle which trends towards illicit:
A person who steals
Or does shady deals,
Or calls on the phone to solicit.
--- Anon

Just as justice to the just is,
Injustice to the unjust, a must is.
In rain when those fellas
Swipe all the umbrellas,
It just disgusts the just's sense of justice.
--- Tom Patton P9707

Mike Fay treated law with disdain.
He said Singapore gave him a pain.
So to US he went
Where it was his intent
To get a good job raising cane.
--- Al Chaplin P9405

The Singapore vandal deficient
Is sentenced by judges proficient.
The site of his brain
Is massaged with a cane--
One lesson is always sufficient.
--- Al Chaplin P9405

If your brain's out of place, a condition
That is caused by a lack of ambition,
Six strokes of the cane
And your wandering brain
Is restored to its proper position.
--- Al Chaplin P9405

She engaged in lascivious play
With a postman and cop, so they say.
And because purient
Now she's parturient,
Who fired first shot, blue or grey?

(see Immortalia)
--- Bob Giandomenico P9105

But here's a good tale instead;
Here's Charlie Black, dead on his bed.
A look of surprise
Still shines in his eyes,
With a hatchet blade stuck in his head.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Lieutenant Colombo: "Charles Black?
A second-rate newspaper hack.
Who died in a snooze
After far too much booze.
The clue is an old dirty mac."
--- Tiddy Ogg

Says Poirot: "It's puzzed I am.
Reminds me of once down in Ham-
Burg, where, for a lark,
In the dark, in the park...
Like me, you must cherchez la femme."
--- Tiddy Ogg

And next arrive Starsky and Hutch,
With squeals of tires, riding the clutch.
They're hunting Blacks car,
Which ain't very far.
It's here, close enough to touch.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Now Quincy comes, looking for clues.
Ignoring the hatchet, he'll choose
An adamant claim,
(For such is his game),
"'Twas chicken pox, heightened by booze."
--- Tiddy Ogg

The whole merry crew is perplexed.
And Husky and Starch wholly vexed:
They've not had a chase;
Had to hang 'round this place.
(Ignore please, line 2, I'm dyslexed.)
--- Tiddy Ogg

An entrance is made, to impress,
By young widow Black, in a dress,
With cleavage so low,
You can near see her toe,
Down the cleft, and she purrs: "I confess."
--- Tiddy Ogg

That's good or we'd ne'er end this tale.
For surely our brave sleuths would fail
A jigsaw to do,
With pieces just two;
They've none got the brains of a snail.
--- Tiddy Ogg

So here it is; right from the start:
Our Charlie has been to a part-
Y, drunk on rough cid-
Er, got a cab ride,
He felt bad, from down near his heart.
--- Tiddy Ogg

The consequence of his booze feat:
A yawn, technicolored, and Pete,
The cabbie, irate,
Looked back, viewed the spate
Of vomit all over the seat.
--- Tiddy Ogg

He throws Charlie out on his own,
In darkness, and so with a groan,
Off Charlie now plods,
Away, hoping God's
A-watching, to show him a phone.
--- Tiddy Ogg

He finds one, and boy is he mighty
Relieved, and phones wife Aphrodite --,
She's lovely -- the young man,)
Who, quick as she can,
Throws raincoat over baby doll nightie.
--- Tiddy Ogg

She jumps into car, drives to deep
Dark country, to pick up the creep.
He's found, jumps inside,
So grateful to ride,
And promptly falls soundly asleep.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Soon Aphro pull onto the verge;
Her bladdder is making an urg-
Ent plea for relief.
She ducks 'round a sheaf
Of wheat, is short time to emerge.
--- Tiddy Ogg

This is file zam

Aroused by the shutting door's clunk,
Our Charlie considers: "I thunk
I must have been tired,
And stopped." Now inspired,
He starts to drive home to his bunk.
--- Tiddy Ogg

And Aphro sees tail-lights receding
'Round bend, yells, but hubby's not heeding.
She walks for an hour,
Cold, angry, and showered
With mud, and her feet sore and bleeding.
--- Tiddy Ogg

She's home, marches straight to the shed,
Gets wood axe, finds husband in bed,
And in her great pique,
Employs her physique
To bury the axe in his head.
--- Tiddy Ogg

A moral you want, I suppose.
For once, folks, I'll tell it in prose:
A woman can stand
A sore head or hand,
But don't give her a pain in her toes.
--- Tiddy Ogg

A private detective named Finnegan
Went out of the room and came in again.
When they asked where he went,
He said, "I lost the scent
And had to go out and come in again."

(in Ellery Queen magazine)
--- Violet J. Conover P9108

Carol has hired a seedy gumshoe
To investigate her husband, Lou.
"Well, all over town,
I tailed him around.
He seemed to be following you!"
--- Tom Accousti

A gumshoe at his desk, fit to scream,
No reputation, no self-esteem.
A cute blonde wandered in,
Her perfume it was "Sin".
He said "It's not true, 'tis a dream!"
--- Arthur Pattaffy

The truth is, the psychic detective
Is quite useless and ineffective.
That crimes are solved by
Such con men, I'll deny.
The evidence for, is defective.
--- Alexander baron

There once was a con man named Claude,
Who was caught by the Bunco Squad.
He couldn't make bail,
So he went to jail;
Then he was indicted for fraud.
--- William K Alsop Jr

A graphic scam-artist named Yarrow
Sought wealth, be it beg, steal or borrow.
But it seems Bayster's deal
Was first borrow, then steal
With the bag-holders begging tomorrow.

(Utah scam)
--- Anon

A message to both old and young,
Beware of MELLIFLUOUS tongue!
Like makers of honey,
Takes all your money,
Then leaves, and you find you've been stung.
--- Chris Papa

A fellow e-mailed me today
From Nigeria, willing to pay
Me ten million bucks,
Just to help get his ducks
In a row before his bills go away.
--- Guy Roberts

And I've heard from young John Makalele,
Whose urgent pleas come almost daily.
And I hope that this spammer
Ends up in the slammer,
Or run out of town on a rail, he.
--- Scott Cramer

I'm approached by a writer Nigerian,
Who says he's become the custodian
Of funds he will mete
For bank details complete,
And he hopes my reaction's pavlovian.
--- Anon

The scam seems quite simple, indeed,
Once banking details you feed.
The Nigerian, the bum
Will abscond such a sum,
Which should quell your Pavlovian greed.
--- Anon

Hello there, I'm General Obaka,
I smuggled gold, gems and tobacca,
And made lots of cash
Taking bribes (we say dash)
And transferred it all off to Dacca.
--- Tiddy Ogg

I'm stuck in this hospital bed,
My wife and my children are dead --
They died in a smash,
A head-on truck crash,
So I'm forced to ask strangers instead...
--- Tiddy Ogg

...To help me get hold of the loot.
This dictator's government's boot
Means my bank accounts froze,
I've no friends, just foes,
So I've thought up a scheme that might suit.
--- Tiddy Ogg

I've got forty three million bucks,
That out in that bank vault is stuck.
I'll give you a quarter,
The least that I oughter,
If out of it, my cash you can pluck.
--- Tiddy Ogg

I swear I am telling the truth,
But of your good faith I need proof.
Just send me a grand,
I'll come shake your hand...
But we'd better meet under my roof.
--- Tiddy Ogg

'Cause here in Nigeria I'm penned,
And all I can do is to send
An e-mail or two
To a gent such as you.
So help me out, my dear old friend.
--- Tiddy Ogg

The gullible now in a flash,
To the airport in Lagos will dash,
And there meet some guys,
Large as life, twice their size,
And there they are ransomed for cash.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Their credit cards meanwhile are stole,
There fortune has burned a big hole.
It's all an abortion;
Letting greed rule out caution,
Ensures you end up on the dole.
--- Tiddy Ogg

A man named Agnew had a brain,
And started a theory of strain.
He focused on kids
Who were blowing their lids,
Avoiding things giving them pain.
--- Eve LaForte

Edwin Sutherland had nine props.
Behavior is learned; ask the cops.
From your friends, not the books;
With bad friends you're a crook.
Avoid bad friends and the crime rate drops.
--- Holly Sullivan

Beccaria so long ago,
Said Free Will keeps the crime rates not low.
When the costs are outweighed
By the funds to be played,
Then theft happens, much to our woe.
--- Jona Meyer

Cesare Lombroso once said
You can tell the bad guys by their heads.
Big skulls, beady eyes,
Means it is no surprise
That crime springs from ways that we're bred.
--- Jona Meyer

Lombroso biological theory
Had findings there were all too eerie.
Animal-like with beady eyes,
He believes tells us why,
Which leaves us all very leery.
--- Jeremy Ceruti

Sutherland said so many things;
To the theory of crime he brings
Committing crime is learned
For rewards quickly earned.
To this idea one clings.
--- Evelyn Arcaroli

Shaw and McKay one stated,
Crime comes from delinquents hated.
As neighborhoods changed
A folks rearranged,
The crime rates were not faded.
--- Julie Hoffman

It all began with Darwin;
He said all is predetermined.
Crime being included,
His ideas weren't secluded
From those who have committed sin.
--- Adam Goess

Death Penalty -- no, I don't think so!
I feel I must puke in the sink-o!
Why not helping the weak?
Why not equal rights seek?
I said this, now I'm called a "pink-o"!
--- Eva Bekker

I cannot help speaking my mind.
I cannot pretend I am blind.
For no war will I cheer;
My voice won't disappear,
Until the world peaceful I find.
--- Eva Bekker


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