At Darwin, northmost of our ports, I once loved a girl from the strand; If your light turns to red and you stop, A boy who could not pay his fare A detective who worked in a store An angry cafe owner cried, "Hey! There was a young fellow named Dirk A young man was drawing the dole; A funny old caretaker, Mr Fixit, There was a young lady of Lyme An old man who heckled Jack Straw A just, righteous, somewhat dumb, fella There was a shoplifter named Zeke, Some of this strife is implicit: Just as justice to the just is, Mike Fay treated law with disdain. The Singapore vandal deficient If your brain's out of place, a condition She engaged in lascivious play (see Immortalia)
But here's a good tale instead; Lieutenant Colombo: "Charles Black? Says Poirot: "It's puzzed I am. And next arrive Starsky and Hutch, Now Quincy comes, looking for clues. The whole merry crew is perplexed. An entrance is made, to impress, That's good or we'd ne'er end this tale. So here it is; right from the start: The consequence of his booze feat: He throws Charlie out on his own, He finds one, and boy is he mighty She jumps into car, drives to deep Soon Aphro pull onto the verge;
This is file zam
Aroused by the shutting door's clunk, And Aphro sees tail-lights receding She's home, marches straight to the shed, A moral you want, I suppose. A private detective named Finnegan (in Ellery Queen magazine)
Carol has hired a seedy gumshoe A gumshoe at his desk, fit to scream, The truth is, the psychic detective There once was a con man named Claude, A graphic scam-artist named Yarrow (Utah scam)
A message to both old and young, A fellow e-mailed me today And I've heard from young John Makalele, I'm approached by a writer Nigerian, The scam seems quite simple, indeed, Hello there, I'm General Obaka, I'm stuck in this hospital bed, ...To help me get hold of the loot. I've got forty three million bucks, I swear I am telling the truth, 'Cause here in Nigeria I'm penned, The gullible now in a flash, Their credit cards meanwhile are stole, A man named Agnew had a brain, Edwin Sutherland had nine props. Beccaria so long ago, Cesare Lombroso once said Lombroso biological theory Sutherland said so many things; Shaw and McKay one stated, It all began with Darwin; Death Penalty -- no, I don't think so! I cannot help speaking my mind.
They arrested a smuggler of sorts.
This wild-life tea leaf
Was attempting to leave with
Six pythons concealed in his shorts.
--- Mike Dale
We'd walk, and I'd hold her hand.
My young love was tested
When she was arrested,
For selling cassettes that were banned!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
You won't care who hides back of a shop.
But if you race through,
Your next light may be blue,
Flashing STOP on the top of a cop!
--- Prof M-G
On a bus, said: "Pretend I'm not there."
The conductor said "Right!"
And with all his might,
Sat down on him, as on a chair.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
Caught a thief stealing knickers galore.
To arrest her he had to,
This one he was glad to --
'Twas his grotty old mother-in-law.
--- Spike Milligan
You, little boy, come back I say!
You stole that pork pie!"
But the boy said, "not I.
The notice there says, "TAKE AWAY."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Whose whole bloody life was a perk.
His house was all wired,
But none of it hired,
'Cause he nicked it from his place of work.
--- Rollergirl
To have cash on hand was his goal.
Financially unsteady,
Rather short of the ready,
The cash that he had, is what he stole!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Stole all of the chocolate biscuit.
He nicked all the chairs
When we were unawares;
Only he would have the nerve to risk it.
--- Anon
Who dabbled in all sorts of crime.
For taking a clock,
She was put on the dock,
And the judge said, "For this, you'll do time!"
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Was manhandled out of the door.
But still more alarming
Than needless strong-arming's
Abuse of the new terror law.
--- Jarmo
Always sings in the rain 'a capella'.
Though free of all sin,
He's soaked to the skin,
For an unjust dude swiped his umbrella.
--- Arthur Deex P9706
Who went to the grocers last week.
He had a big smile
In the produce aisle,
When he proceeded to take a leek.
--- Tom Patton P9803
A lifestyle which trends towards illicit:
A person who steals
Or does shady deals,
Or calls on the phone to solicit.
--- Anon
Injustice to the unjust, a must is.
In rain when those fellas
Swipe all the umbrellas,
It just disgusts the just's sense of justice.
--- Tom Patton P9707
He said Singapore gave him a pain.
So to US he went
Where it was his intent
To get a good job raising cane.
--- Al Chaplin P9405
Is sentenced by judges proficient.
The site of his brain
Is massaged with a cane--
One lesson is always sufficient.
--- Al Chaplin P9405
That is caused by a lack of ambition,
Six strokes of the cane
And your wandering brain
Is restored to its proper position.
--- Al Chaplin P9405
With a postman and cop, so they say.
And because purient
Now she's parturient,
Who fired first shot, blue or grey?
--- Bob Giandomenico P9105
Here's Charlie Black, dead on his bed.
A look of surprise
Still shines in his eyes,
With a hatchet blade stuck in his head.
--- Tiddy Ogg
A second-rate newspaper hack.
Who died in a snooze
After far too much booze.
The clue is an old dirty mac."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Reminds me of once down in Ham-
Burg, where, for a lark,
In the dark, in the park...
Like me, you must cherchez la femme."
--- Tiddy Ogg
With squeals of tires, riding the clutch.
They're hunting Blacks car,
Which ain't very far.
It's here, close enough to touch.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Ignoring the hatchet, he'll choose
An adamant claim,
(For such is his game),
"'Twas chicken pox, heightened by booze."
--- Tiddy Ogg
And Husky and Starch wholly vexed:
They've not had a chase;
Had to hang 'round this place.
(Ignore please, line 2, I'm dyslexed.)
--- Tiddy Ogg
By young widow Black, in a dress,
With cleavage so low,
You can near see her toe,
Down the cleft, and she purrs: "I confess."
--- Tiddy Ogg
For surely our brave sleuths would fail
A jigsaw to do,
With pieces just two;
They've none got the brains of a snail.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Our Charlie has been to a part-
Y, drunk on rough cid-
Er, got a cab ride,
He felt bad, from down near his heart.
--- Tiddy Ogg
A yawn, technicolored, and Pete,
The cabbie, irate,
Looked back, viewed the spate
Of vomit all over the seat.
--- Tiddy Ogg
In darkness, and so with a groan,
Off Charlie now plods,
Away, hoping God's
A-watching, to show him a phone.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Relieved, and phones wife Aphrodite --,
She's lovely -- the young man,)
Who, quick as she can,
Throws raincoat over baby doll nightie.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Dark country, to pick up the creep.
He's found, jumps inside,
So grateful to ride,
And promptly falls soundly asleep.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Her bladdder is making an urg-
Ent plea for relief.
She ducks 'round a sheaf
Of wheat, is short time to emerge.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Our Charlie considers: "I thunk
I must have been tired,
And stopped." Now inspired,
He starts to drive home to his bunk.
--- Tiddy Ogg
'Round bend, yells, but hubby's not heeding.
She walks for an hour,
Cold, angry, and showered
With mud, and her feet sore and bleeding.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Gets wood axe, finds husband in bed,
And in her great pique,
Employs her physique
To bury the axe in his head.
--- Tiddy Ogg
For once, folks, I'll tell it in prose:
A woman can stand
A sore head or hand,
But don't give her a pain in her toes.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Went out of the room and came in again.
When they asked where he went,
He said, "I lost the scent
And had to go out and come in again."
--- Violet J. Conover P9108
To investigate her husband, Lou.
"Well, all over town,
I tailed him around.
He seemed to be following you!"
--- Tom Accousti
No reputation, no self-esteem.
A cute blonde wandered in,
Her perfume it was "Sin".
He said "It's not true, 'tis a dream!"
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Is quite useless and ineffective.
That crimes are solved by
Such con men, I'll deny.
The evidence for, is defective.
--- Alexander baron
Who was caught by the Bunco Squad.
He couldn't make bail,
So he went to jail;
Then he was indicted for fraud.
--- William K Alsop Jr
Sought wealth, be it beg, steal or borrow.
But it seems Bayster's deal
Was first borrow, then steal
With the bag-holders begging tomorrow.
--- Anon
Beware of MELLIFLUOUS tongue!
Like makers of honey,
Takes all your money,
Then leaves, and you find you've been stung.
--- Chris Papa
From Nigeria, willing to pay
Me ten million bucks,
Just to help get his ducks
In a row before his bills go away.
--- Guy Roberts
Whose urgent pleas come almost daily.
And I hope that this spammer
Ends up in the slammer,
Or run out of town on a rail, he.
--- Scott Cramer
Who says he's become the custodian
Of funds he will mete
For bank details complete,
And he hopes my reaction's pavlovian.
--- Anon
Once banking details you feed.
The Nigerian, the bum
Will abscond such a sum,
Which should quell your Pavlovian greed.
--- Anon
I smuggled gold, gems and tobacca,
And made lots of cash
Taking bribes (we say dash)
And transferred it all off to Dacca.
--- Tiddy Ogg
My wife and my children are dead --
They died in a smash,
A head-on truck crash,
So I'm forced to ask strangers instead...
--- Tiddy Ogg
This dictator's government's boot
Means my bank accounts froze,
I've no friends, just foes,
So I've thought up a scheme that might suit.
--- Tiddy Ogg
That out in that bank vault is stuck.
I'll give you a quarter,
The least that I oughter,
If out of it, my cash you can pluck.
--- Tiddy Ogg
But of your good faith I need proof.
Just send me a grand,
I'll come shake your hand...
But we'd better meet under my roof.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And all I can do is to send
An e-mail or two
To a gent such as you.
So help me out, my dear old friend.
--- Tiddy Ogg
To the airport in Lagos will dash,
And there meet some guys,
Large as life, twice their size,
And there they are ransomed for cash.
--- Tiddy Ogg
There fortune has burned a big hole.
It's all an abortion;
Letting greed rule out caution,
Ensures you end up on the dole.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And started a theory of strain.
He focused on kids
Who were blowing their lids,
Avoiding things giving them pain.
--- Eve LaForte
Behavior is learned; ask the cops.
From your friends, not the books;
With bad friends you're a crook.
Avoid bad friends and the crime rate drops.
--- Holly Sullivan
Said Free Will keeps the crime rates not low.
When the costs are outweighed
By the funds to be played,
Then theft happens, much to our woe.
--- Jona Meyer
You can tell the bad guys by their heads.
Big skulls, beady eyes,
Means it is no surprise
That crime springs from ways that we're bred.
--- Jona Meyer
Had findings there were all too eerie.
Animal-like with beady eyes,
He believes tells us why,
Which leaves us all very leery.
--- Jeremy Ceruti
To the theory of crime he brings
Committing crime is learned
For rewards quickly earned.
To this idea one clings.
--- Evelyn Arcaroli
Crime comes from delinquents hated.
As neighborhoods changed
A folks rearranged,
The crime rates were not faded.
--- Julie Hoffman
He said all is predetermined.
Crime being included,
His ideas weren't secluded
From those who have committed sin.
--- Adam Goess
I feel I must puke in the sink-o!
Why not helping the weak?
Why not equal rights seek?
I said this, now I'm called a "pink-o"!
--- Eva Bekker
I cannot pretend I am blind.
For no war will I cheer;
My voice won't disappear,
Until the world peaceful I find.
--- Eva Bekker