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The next bit I've told you elsewhere, They self-replicated, 'til hordes So when God looks out on the morra, (morrow,) He did so, he's really a killer, Says Gabriel, his mate, "See the signs, So now we have try number 3, But first Noah, and his wife Barbie, The rain falls in torrents gigantic, It's piled on that deck called the poop, It made there a 'normous great mound, My story there folks, is thus ended. Said Adam to God, "Hey there, boss! "I know that your brain cells are few, Now Adam, mistakes you will make As he walked on the cliff top, he tripped, He whimpered, "Oh Hell! It's not fair." Again he yelled "Anyone there?" God said, "Soon, my son, you'll be free He gazed down the precipice sheer, There once was a pastor from Ojai, To which the good brother from Oak View (A. Deex - last line for contest)
The Faithful look forward with verve For the rest of us, it takes some nerve Thus spake I AM THAT I AM: Asi dije YO SOY QUE YO SOY: I AM that big Dude named I AM, There once was a dude named I AM I am the Lord God - Who am. Take care lest thy brother thou slay; There once was a young man named Ian, That's something I'd not been foreseein'!"
Your bod, was meant for a-heein' and shein'." There once was a young man called Ian There once was a young man called Ian There once was a young man called Ian There once was a young man called Ian There once was a young man called Ian There once was a young man called Ian There once was a young man called Ian There once was a young man called Ian Just suppose that God was a Jew; Supposing things can't make them true, I say with an atheist's pride, Well now, I need to tell you, Thanks for the info your're remitting; So, Allah's a Christian, by God; Men wage, in his name, holy war, It's easier now from the sky Was our engineer wise and all knowing? And I think there was some mental slump And before our physique critique passes; We're not perfect as one might supppose, At dawn as he knelt by his bed, Thundered God, "Sister Mary is mine! Falling bombs, screaming and hell-bent Cain lives these thousands of years; Wherefore blind to his ancient stupidity? From arrest to his final demise There once was a baby named Jesus, A sordid old Harlot name Weiss, On a Vatican tour, while aback, The ground is all covered in snow; A rotten and bloody old cerement (cerement - waxed winding sheet for bodies)
Jesus returns! That is nice! "Jesus Christ!" groused one shepherd you know, Every insult I've heard surely fails A dumb guy at the the altar named Xavier, There once was a fellow named Jesus
You're welcome to look if you dare,
About Adam and Eve,
And his snake she percieves,
In two versions too, I declare.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Were whoring around with the broads,
Which wasn't too bad,
But then they went mad,
And turned all their ploughs into swords.
--- Tiddy Ogg
He cries, (being Irish,) "Begorrah!
Christ, what have I done,
Amok they all run,
Sod'em, I'll go nuke Gomorra."
--- Tiddy Ogg
And turned poor Lot's wife to a pillar.
(Take that, I was taught,
With a large pinch of salt,)
He's mad as that bastard Attila.
--- Tiddy Ogg
They need a complete redesign."
Says G: "Fuck that, angel,
One more little change'll
Fix it. I'll drown them in brine."
--- Tiddy Ogg
For the so-called infallible G;
One family he'll save
From a watery grave,
And give them a cruise on the sea.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Must go on a massive safari,
To round up a pair
Of each animal there,
From bumble bee to the Okapi.
--- Tiddy Ogg
They float off, cross the Atlantic,
But mucking out cages
Takes everyone ages,
And the stench of the shit drives them frantic.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Of Noah's old gopher-wood sloop.
He calls to his crew,
"I know what we'll do,
We'll shovel it overboard, troop."
--- Tiddy Ogg
The stink would a dung fly astound....
Then many years later,
A great navigator,
Columbus, that shit-hole then found.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Please say if you've not been offended.
For your race or creed,
In some further screed,
Omissions will soon be amended.
--- Tiddy Ogg
I'm finding myself at a loss.
When Eve's menstruating,
There's no fornicating."
Said God, "Go mount yonder hoss."
--- Tiddy Ogg
But Adam, I gave unto you,
Over all beasts dominion.
So go lad, and pinion
A doe, heifer, nanny or ewe."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Regarding the use of your snake.
But if it won't hiss,
Just go take a piss,
And don't use your tongue, for Christ's sake.
--- SFA
And over the cliff edge he slipped,
And downward did go
To the rocks far below,
Had he not, on his way, a bush gripped.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Then yelled "Help! Is any one there?"
He listened -- no sound,
But the wind whistled 'round,
For travelers in these parts were rare.
--- Tiddy Ogg
For the bush, from his hand, soon would tear.
Then a voice from a cloud,
In a voice deep and loud,
Intoned "God, that's me, 's everywhere."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Of life's cares, so let go that tree.
There's joy ever after,
With gladness and laughter,
Up here in the heavens, with me."
--- Tiddy Ogg
And soft from his eye rolled a tear.
With one final yelp,
He cried out "Oh Help!
Is anyone else standing near?"
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who claimed that he never did know why
The Lord (as a lark?)
Left a place in the ark
For the cockroach, mosquito and blowfly.
--- WVVA66A@prodigy.com P9804a
Replied with a word to the folk who
Much preach on the texts
That condemn all insects...
"The Lord, loving bugs, made beaucoup."
--- WVVA66A@prodigy.com P9804
To the Judgment, and hope to observe
The reprobate blench
Before the stern bench,
And get what they really deserve.
--- A N Wilkins P9811x
To consider what we may deserve.
So when put to the test,
We will hope for the best,
Because God surely grades on the curve.
--- A N Wilkins P9811a
For the Virgin I don't give a damn.
What pleases me most
Is to bugger the Ghost,
And then be sucked off by the Lamb.
--- Norman Douglas L0265
"Por La Virgen un carajo no doy.
Lo que debe gustar
Es Jesus caporar--
Y para hacerlo Yo voy."
--- L0266
And live in a church in Siam.
They claim I am dead
But that was first said
By Arabic Omah Khayyam.
--- Anon
Who forbade eating lobster and ham.
He said queers should get stoned,
Both the boner and boned,
And slice off your foreskin or be damned.
--- Anon
Adore not the idol nor sham.
Keep holy my day;
Respect parents pay.
The thief and the robber I damn.
--- Arthur Deex P9207
Adulterize not, night or day.
Thy word be of trust;
Nor of the flesh lust.
The coveters surely shall pay.
--- Arthur Deex P8207
Who question the reason for bein'.
He went and asked God,
And God said, "That's odd.
Do you still think your dick is for peein'?
--- Michelle
Does that bell sound a knell or a paean?"
But life is for hawin' and heein'!"
You clod! While you ask, on my shoe you are peein'!"
--- Several
Who questioned the reason for bein';
He went and asked God
And God said "That's odd,
I thought bein' meant bein' obsce-en!"
--- Anon
Who questioned the reason for bein'
He went and asked God
And God said "Don't prod--
A reason I'm not guaranteein'!"
--- Anon
This is file yzl
Who questioned the reason for bein'
He went and asked God
And God said " By Scrod!
When you're whizzing 'round France, European*!
--- Anon
Who questioned the reason for bein'
He went and asked God
And God said "That's odd--
Does that bell sound a knell or a paean?"
--- Anon
Who questioned the reason for bein'
He went and asked God
And God said "That's odd
You would know if you weren't such a peon!"
--- Anon
Who questioned the reason for bein'
He went and asked God
And God said "It's odd-
But Life is a pane you can't see in!"
--- Anon
Who questioned the reason for bein'
He went and asked God
And God said "That's odd,
'NOEL,' when spelled backwards, is 'LEON.'
--- Anon
Who questioned the reason for bein'
He went and asked God
And God said "That's odd,
That's somethin' I'd not been foreseein'!"
--- Anon
At the Pearly Gates, what would you do?
If not one of them,
Perhaps a Muslim?
Saying "Oops!" just would not help you.
--- Tony Burrell
But now what you said gives a clue,
That God could be Jewish.
You might get what you wish,
For Jesus, his son, was a Jew.
--- Liam na Beag
I've read literature on the side;
That Jesus was a Jew
Is something I knew,
But only on his mother's side.
--- Tony Burrell
That God indeed is a Jew.
I must say with tact,
As a mater of fact,
God's Christian and Islamic, too.
--- Liam na Beag
I know the view that you're submitting.
I really must say
It does not look that way,
From where this atheist is sitting.
--- Tony Burrell
He even gives Wiccans a nod;
Enjoying debatin'
His old buddy Satan,
While trying to keep him declawed.
--- John Miller
Causing agony, terror and gore.
Helping others get "saved"
While comitting depraved
Atrocities just like before.
--- John Miller
"Assisting" those others to die,
Avoiding the thrill
Of making a kill
While looking the lad in the eye.
--- John Miller
Was creative juice actually flowing?
I'm not sure it was cool
To give Man just one tool
To use for both coming and going.
--- Ann Gasser P8904a
In planning our crotch and our rump;
Why did powers-that-be
Arbitrarily
Build the playground so close to the dump.
--- Ann Gasser P8904a
Our designers weren't totally asses:
Just see -- it appears
They lined up nose and ears
As a great way for hanging one's glasses.
--- Ann Gasser P8904a
Our blueprints show both highs and lows;
But let's not be whiners,
I laud our designers,
Our exhaust pipe is far from our nose.
--- Ann Gasser P8904a
Said the abbot, "I thank you for bread.
Please forgive me my tres-
Passes Lord, and please bless
Sister Mary for giving me head."
--- Anon
She is not and has never been thine!
For she sucks hard and long
On my heavenly dong,
And for proof see the Milky Way shine."
--- Anon
Might rouse God to finally relent...
But silent the spaces;
Shell-shocked the scarred faces;
Nor has God let any Man repent...
--- Tutta Gioia
Years washed with blood and salt tears.
Yet now we can kill
With multitudinous skill,
Using massive bombardment, not spears.
--- Tutta Gioia
Shall we say, "God is dead!" has validity?
Does that Beast, "Fighting soul"
Define Man in whole,
As it ravens its own sour avidity?
--- Tutta Gioia
Took less time than sunrise to sunrise.
Jesus Christ cut no deals,
Ran through several appeals,
Though the outcome was not a surprise.
--- John Miller 0296
Who said to his Ma, "If it pleases,
Just stop your dawdling,
And hoist up my swaddling
Clothes ere my little ass freezes.
--- Martin Wellborn P8712
A bearded old man did entice.
Between panting and wheezes,
He said he was Jesus,
So she let the old bastard come twice.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1692a
I sought for a rare artifact:
The body of Christ
Or something else nice.
The shops offered nothing but jack.
--- Anon
A cold wind is starting to blow.
Warm with a loved one,
We remember one
Born Christmas night as cattle did low.
--- Azul
Has cells upon which I'll experiment.
From tissue that's grown,
Lord Jesus I'll clone,
And he'll recount the New New Testament.
--- H Welchel
And it's also quite a suprise.
From what I have found,
Though they pant like a hound,
There's not many men who come twice.
--- Anon
I've got this cowshit on my toe!"
Whereupon, Mary smiled
And said to the child,
"I like that name better than Joe."
--- A N Wilkins P9201A
Topping that in some Easter details:
Can you possible beat,
"Please cross your feet,
It's too bad but there's only three nails."
--- John Miller 0292 a
Exhibited the strangest behavior.
In front of the crowd,
He shouted out loud,
"Does a cross-dresser put clothes on our savior?"
--- Thomas M Patton P9805a
Who was sent down from Heaven to please us.
He was nailed to a tree
So we would be free,
And Satan could no longer sieze us.
--- Steven V Hight
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