MORE
When Joseph, at work in his stall, It's debated just what caused the stir, Up in Heaven, George H. and J.C. (George H. - George Harrison??)
It's Jesus's birthday today; A pious old couple named Hand Said the Saviour to Samuel, "Note In a whisper Christ spoke, nearly dead; "You should recognize it," John said. Young Mary had had someone's rod, At calvary someone, just maybe "Two profs," said a prexy named King, Christ's coming, and boy, is he pissed! And now here's a word from our Savior Young Jesus lived like me and like you; When Mary went out to the coast, Jesus Christ, supposed son of God, To a CHristian it must be frustrating. A being whose name was The Lord The concept that Jesus was virgin Said a fellow nailed up on a rood, (rood - cross or crucifix)
"On this day when men honor their mothers," What advances we've made since that time! "Poor drunk," said a Salvation chick, A fairy who came from Khartoum Jesus was found in the city; Ghostly pal Harvey, means I'm depraved. So come along sinners, repent, Sweet Jesus, before he did die, A young man of King David's line There once was a celibate monk, Our sisters are Mary and Eve; Bethlehem, little town, in the snow, Said a skeptical fisherman, Luke, When he walked among men, even God Jesus, embarrassed by underpants stains, There was a fine fellow named Jesus, A nearsighted cleric from Queens A child who was swathed in a swaddle 'Bout religion I may be a dunce, Said Peter to Jesus, "It's boring At the Sunday School old Father Flynn Brother Dennis the short was a hero, Antoll, I'm not saying your dumb, The good Lord was here but departed, By attending "The Passion of Christ," There once lived a fellow named Jesus Some words about my savior Jesus To innkeeper Oliver Kyte, To Heaven went Christ on his trip, When Christ was alive on the cross, Over Bethlehem, a star RESPLENDENT, There was an Old Lady of Moldavia, A bearded old fellow out slumming A fool hanging nailed to a cross, Few people complain of my style, He, most famous in all history, The three of us hang here bereft; When I contemplate the virgin birth After hearing the things (quite a few!) For your catering needs, contact Jesus; Today is Good Friday, I'm told, After two hundred decades or so, Though the Gospels do tell us a lot, What did Jesus do while he was growing? This subject has some people pissed; As a hybrid, was Jesus Christ sterile?
One day let a two-by-four fall
On his instep, his son
Came out on the run,
And inquired of him, "Did you call?"
--- Stan Armstrong
And a major religion did spur,
In that long ago manger,
But what could have been stranger
Than those calling birds, Frank, Incense, Myrrh?
--- Loren Fitzhugh P9912
Meet at least once a week for high tea.
In December the din
Of "Messiahs" wears thin,
So they watch game shows on TV.
--- Anon
He's 2001, so they say.
Did he get an extension
On his old age pension,
Or does his old dad have to pay?
--- Tony Burrell
Put a statue of Jesus on their land.
But the heirs to the home,
Substituted a gnome,
Then they jacked up the price by ten grand.
--- Graham Lester
There is blood of some sort on my coat.
To the gullible, Sam,
'Tis the blood of a lamb;
But in truth I was fucking a goat."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1168
Not to miss any word that he said,
The disciple drew near:
"John... from up here...
I can make out the roof of your shed."
--- John Miller 0297
"You've spent many a night in the bed
Of my father's wife,
Who preached 'right-to-life';
Now I've got three siblings, BONEHEAD."
--- John Miller
So claimed she'd a baby from God;
It weren't the Almighty
That got 'neath her nightie,
But Joe didn't know it, the clod.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Named Augustus or Caesar or Abie
(There seems little doubt,
And insensitive lout!)
Shouted out, "Hey, hang in there, baby!"
--- John Miller 0293
Stood at Calvary. One said that spring,
'A great teacher has died.'
'Yes,' the other replied,
'But he just didn't publish a thing!"
--- A N Wilkins P8311
After one final trump, class dismissed!
We will not avoid
Earth being destroyed,
But I'll bet it won't even be missed.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who's gravely concerned with behavior.
Just keep fooling around
And his wrath will astound --
He'll take back all the goodies he gave ya.
--- Neal Wilgus P8606a
He fancied the dolly birds, too.
But when things got hot,
And he touched the sweet spot,
The damn thing healed up, it is true.
--- Anon
She'd write to her mother and boast
She behaved very well,
But her belly did swell
And she swears she was fucked by the Ghost.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1321
Loved to surf on the beach at Cape Cod.
"Hooray for the girls
With their lashes and curls,"
Thus spake the old Christian sod.
--- Anon
Their Messiah is procrastinating.
"I'll be back," Jesus said,
"Before some here are dead."
It's been two thousand years--they're still waiting.
--- Anon
Sought harmony, peace and accord;
He sent down his son
To placate everyone,
But it sees that his word was ignored.
--- Anon
Is a thought in my head just emergin'.
Did virginity stay,
Or like preachers today,
Did he give in to more worldly urgin'?
--- John Miller
"My teachings I never have rued,
But no one believes
I should hang between thieves;
These Romans are terribly rude!"
--- Norm Storer P9111
Jesus asked, "though you're not like the others,
If despite Joseph's urgin',
You continued a virgin,
How come I have sisters and brothers?"
--- A N Wilkins P8612
Now those guilty of heinous crime
Are assured several years,
While judicial gears
Grind through evidence not worth a dime.
--- John Miller 0296a
"Your choice for the faith must be quick.
'Twas for you Jesus died."
But the drunkard replied,
"I did not even know he was sick."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0994
Faced life in the depths of deep gloom.
And he moaned in despair
That he could not be there
When the Saviour was laid in his tomb.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0930
You see, He lusted for 'titty'.
He would give girls pitty-pat,
And "Lets undress for a nap".
They threw lots for his clothes, out of pity.
--- Anon
Ghostly pal Jesus, means that I'm saved.
If enough people buy it,
And too few deny it,
The rules of logic and reason are waived.
--- Anon
I now know what Jesus Christ meant,
When he said "Love thy neighbour,"
Go give her your caber,
Or ass-poke the rev, if you're bent.
--- Anon
Was so hot, he made young ladies sigh.
He'd whip out the wine,
Then do sixty nine;
"Oh my God!" those young hussies would cry.
--- Jayne
Changed water into the best wine.
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"The glory's my father's, not mine!"
--- Ron Sartain TP9804
Who was heard to say while he's drunk:
If a nun is God's wife,
(Thus her celibate life),
Then what am I, Jesus's punk?
--- Phil T
All the gossip you hear, don't believe.
Eve was betrayed.
Mary, she prayed --
Birthed a son, the world to reprieve!
--- Annie Jay
And up above, one star aglow.
God must have been good,
Or else Mary would
Not have had seven more kids with Joe.
--- Anon
"This carpenter -- he knows The Spook?"
Well, if all he can claim
Is helping the lame,
Then I fear he is merely some kook."
--- Norm Storer P9812
This is file yyl
Required raiment and bread, and was shod.
Now he seemingly likes
Watching bare-bottomed tykes
Shuffle shoeless and foodless. It's odd.
--- David A Brooks
Accompanied by smells, noise, and pains,
Attributed his messy farts
To eating pigs hearts,
For which his interest now wanes.
--- Anon
Who was nailed to a cross by some sleazes.
But the guy chose to die
For our sins; don't know why.
I guess he assumed it would please us.
--- Jason Taniguchi
While constructing Nativity scenes,
Wrapped up Jesus and Joe
In two wise men's manteaux,
And put Mary in swaddling jeans.
--- Prof M-G
Could talk before he could toddle.
He would shake his small noddle,
Saying "No need to coddle,
Snap to it and give me my boddle."
--- Peter Read P9802
But on reading of Jesus' stunts,
And his dealings with men,
And the way things were then,
I doubt that He even came ONCE!
--- Anon
In heaven, let's go do some whoring."
"No Pete, when I touch
Those gals in the crotch,
It heals up, there's no chance of scoring."
--- Anon
With those tales of the Lord did begin;
How on water he trod,
But one lad was not awed,
For he said, "I guess Jesus can't swim."
--- Phil Cannibal P0011
Counting years not from Rome of old Nero,
But from good old J.C.
And he erred don't you see:
He forgot to put in a year zero!
--- Sumaq
After 2k years, Christ still ain't come.
It's clear that your jerking
His dick just ain't working;
Perhaps you could proffer your bum?
--- Rick O'Shay
When sighting the mess that we started.
We're living in hell
And how can I tell?
The Devil himself has just farted!
--- SFA
You can witness "God's Son" sacrificed.
See Christ get a beating,
From stadium seating,
Thought the tickets are rather high-priced.
--- Ward Hardman
Who cured quite a lot of diseases.
He turned water to wine,
And to pay for this crime,
He was nailed to a couple of treeses.
--- Marc Hirsh
And the lepers he cured of diseases.
On water he walked
And to hookers he talked,
So pray to him down on your kneese.
--- Jeffrey P Hui
Came Jesus, which gave him a fright.
"Hey Landlord," he hails.
"I have these two nails.
Can you put me up for tonight?"
--- Tiddy Ogg
But someone had made a bad slip.
From the cold earthly prison
Of the tomb, He had risen,
But the rabbi was left with a tip.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-3017
Before death his brow could emboss,
His tongue felt around,
And he said with a frown,
"I wish I'd remembered to floss."
--- Heather McCabe
Filled the sky for all the descendents.
'Mid shepherds and stock,
He came for the flock
Whose fleecing is, for now, transcendant.
--- Daniel Ford
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while she was able,
She slept on a table,
Saving herself for her Savior.
--- Edwardian Leer 020
Excited a girl with his thumbing.
He divulged he was Christ
And the girl was enticed,
And he thrilled her with his second coming.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1663a
Cried, "This proves Jehovah's the boss;
Then unto you I say
That each year on this day,
Eating eggs shall you mourn for my loss."
--- Beelzebub TP9804
No matter how vulgar or vile.
But it's not my desire
To raise anyone's ire,
So I'll lay off Jesus for a while.
--- John Miller
Would be doomed now by social decree.
He'd be locked up today,
For didn't he say.
"Suffer little ones come unto me?"
--- John Miller
The others are guilty of theft.
This has gone on so long,
I'm glad it's my swan song.
Or to paraphrase... T.G.I.F.
--- S C Saint
I must offer this, for what it's worth.
Less than miraculous
With an umbilicus;
Still the source of Frankincense and "Myrrth."
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0201
That the Catholic priests like to do,
I haven't much hope
For the cardinals and Pope.
Was Jesus a pedophile too?
--- Anon
His wedding buffet always pleases!
He'll bring fish and bread,
Lots of wine, white and red,
And a fancy assortment of cheeses.
--- John B Russell
Which refers to a tale very old.
About some kid's birth
To bring "Peace On Earth,"
And his sell-out for silver, not gold.
--- John Miller
Peace still has a long way to go.
Most folks have forgotten
His ways, and act rotten,
And the price to betray Him was low.
--- John Miller
About Christ, there is much they forgot;
Did some lovely miss
Ever give him a kiss?
Or was Judas the best that he got.
--- John Miller
(I'll skip some parts without even slowing)
Did He get some ass
From some willing young lass,
Or go to the cross, never knowing?
--- John Miller
Just one thought before it's dismissed:
Besides walking on water
Had he son or daughter?
(His mid-life is shrouded in mist.)
--- John Miller
As a man, was he robust and virile?
Did his Dad's DNA
Ever come into play,
For a third generation referral?
--- John Miller
MORE