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And if so, may you (even me!) It's a fact that our mother's grandmothers Last year I chose Jesus himself Now Jesus has more fans than Bill "To go down to Earth is real nice," "Now Pete, though we go well disguised, The seraphim, sitting on high, "Oh fellas, oh fellas, I tried, "Well, after the party we troop "I used all my miracle tricks. "She laid back with and sadly she sighed "I probed at that spot unconcealed, "That joke was around," says friend Clive, So p'raps you enjoyed the relation; Saint Peter was tired at the gate, Then there came a hobbling old man, Jesus asked, "Wouldst capenter be?" The Old One replied, "Yes, I did so." "You've finished your loaves and your fishes?" The gals in that edifice cloisterous, I hear Jesus is down in the dumps, The Pops sent him off to the Skipper When Jesus went out and he grooved; (In mysterious ways)
For moving mysterious ways, They came, found the rock rolled away, If they had proof of insurance that day, So Mary, you say He has risen, With armed gangs in Palestine bumming Though normally placid and mild, Our lives seemed so dreary and drab, Sweet Jesus, it's not nice to frown; Incidently your sandals don't fit, In Cannan J C did some tricks, Lands sakes, you are such a teaser, The liberals will sit on their kissters In Heaven, the British are cops. "Now here at life's close, I profess There are places in Heaven, I ken When doctors reach the Pearly Gate, A saintly old woman from Ford Getting to Heaven is easy, One night, at midnight, in Devon, When I upon Heaven's clouds dwell In Heaven, the Brits form a line. The luscious Lieutenant Montoya A priest, at the doorstep to Heaven Miss Block, who was eager to please, If Heaven means twanging on strings, The day has come, I surmise. A Methodist preacher named Treadwell When Johnnie with mother conversed, With toes pointing up and no gown, A miserly woman from Cord With 'Paradises" so profound, Eternity lasts for too long -- Some people may bask in the love Mother Teresa's at the Pearly Gate; Mother T. then sees Princess Di; So she makes a hasty retreat "St. Peter, I don't mean to squeal, Mary Whitehouse, our favorite prude, In Heaven, you will need no clothes; Seems Heaven's reserved for the few Abou asked, as he sneaked a quick look, What in this life men -- six out of seven -- What's Heaven? A girl's sparkling eyes? A man thought he'd reached Heaven's Portal,
Might belong on God's own family tree.
Perhaps you devout
Can figure this out,
I admit it's a bit much for me.
--- John Miller
At some point relate to all others.
Despite all our quibblings,
We're really all siblings.
Merry Christmas, dear Sisters and Brothers.
--- John Miller
To poke fun at, but one little elf
Told me how it offended,
So my ways I mended,
And put that idea on the shelf.
--- John Miller
Even up there on Capitol Hilll;
But we should have learned
From one lim they spurned,
His mom could sure clean up a spill.
--- John Miller
Said Peter, "To get us some vice.
They've got some real cuties,
Who're keen on their duties,
But boss, how's it you can come twice?"
--- Tiddy Ogg
Identity's often apprised.
They see my limp rod,
And whisper "Oh God!"
And when it's erect: 'Jesus Christ!'"
--- Tiddy Ogg
Saw JC return, and said "Hi.
We know where you've been,
Did you hump Magdalene?"
And Jesus, he started to cry.
--- Tiddy Ogg
I married her just 'fore I died.
You know that tale, fine;
How we ran out of wine,
And I pissed them some more." (Beams with pride.)
--- Tiddy Ogg
Upstairs, and am I cock-a-hoop!
We strip; she looks gorgeous,
We're in for fun orgious...
But hell, boys, I've got brewer's droop.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Result: shrank to two inch, not six.
She even gave head;
But raising the dead
Is an easier problem to fix.
--- Tiddy Ogg
She said `Jesus, son, I have tried
My best, but I fail
To twitch your limp tail.
You'd best put a finger inside'."
--- Tiddy Ogg
And then my drunk senses all reeled;
No longer a a slit.
It had gone, every bit...
I touched and the damned pussy healed."
--- Tiddy Ogg
"When JC himself was alive."
That's true enough, yet
They reckon it's bet-
ter to travel than e'er to arrive.
--- Tiddy Ogg
If not, you may heap condemnation
Upon my old head,
While I go to bed,
And interest Erm in fellation.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And sought his hunger to sate.
So he asked Jesus,
With many pleases,
To stand in while he got a plate.
--- Daniel Ford a
With his cane and white hair and deep tan.
Jesus thought that he knew
This grey old man who
Had a spine all curved like a fan.
--- Daniel Ford a
"Yes, but am I acquainted with thee?"
Then Jesus asked more
Of the man with four score,
"Have a son who left you in the lee?"
--- Daniel Ford a
"Had he holes in his hands, do you know?"
"Yes, indeed, rather!"
Then Jesus cried "Father!"
Mused the grey beard, "Pinocchio??"
--- Daniel Ford a
"Oh yes, Sister Mary, delicious!"
Said Mary as all
Of them rushed out the hall.
"Well you bloody might help do the dishes!"
--- Peter Wilkins
Rushed out in a manner most boisterous.
They said, "We'll decline
That dish washing line;
It's free will, and God left the choice ter us.
--- Tiddy Ogg
When disciples betrayed him like chumps.
So he went to Mount Olive
Where sailors AWOL live,
And Popeye soon gave him some lumps.
--- Hugh Clary
Who said, "Son, you are only a whipper,
So, I'll take you in tow,
Since no Siren would blow
Your dingy with that skinny dipper.
--- Brian Belge
His Father had never approved.
And Mary Magdalene
Would think it obscene --
"Did you just see how the Lord moved?"
--- Archie
And bending in ways that amaze,
Ignore the Lord's spawn;
You'll want to gaze on
Contortionists deserving praise.
--- Marlene Lewis
Then they wailed in chagrin and dismay.
With no proof of demise
They could only surmise
There's no way the insurance would pay.
--- John Miller 0299
When they came and rolled that rock away,
They wouldn't be glum,,
They'd be paid a lump sum.
Would you call that a dead giveaway?
--- S C Saint
Erect in his shrouds in his prison?
But really, my dears,
After two thousand years,
I'll bet you mine's harder than his'n!
--- John Miller
Around, Lived JC, but his numbing-
Ly boring sex act
Is proved by the fact,
He's still waiting for his second coming.
--- John Miller
Old Joseph, one winter, went wild.
"You told me you shouldn't;
You couldn't; you wouldn't;
So how come you're having a child?"
--- Anon
One day I just jumped in a cab.
I don't need new shoes,
But to just clear my blues,
I bought this one down at the lab.
--- Marlene Lewis
After all, we've given you a crown
Made of thorns, it is true,
But you've a birds-eye view
Of Pilate giving you the thumbs-down.
--- S C Saint
But you probably don't give a shit.
Though this is deicide,
You know deep inside,
Your really did overcommit.
--- S C Saint
Turned water to cat's piss then fixed
By means of hypnosis,
A sort of narcosis,
And got them to drink it, the pricks.
--- Tiddy Ogg
This is file yxl
With limericks pulled from your freezer.
I have just a word
For you, you old bird;
You're telling lies about Julius Caesar!
--- Travis Brasell
And whine about butt-bottom blisters.
Their credo is clear,
Although it sounds queer:
"In heaven, all men will be sisters."
--- Anon
The German mechanics are tops.
The French are the cooks,
The Swedes have good looks,
And all public fountains have schnapps.
--- Al Willis
I have hardly a sin to confess.
I've lived meek and mild
As an innocent child.
Can St. Peter deny me then?" "Yes!"
--- Laurence Perrine P9305
For bright intellectual men.
But the Pearly Gates close
Against each one of those
Who do their crosswords with a pen!
--- John E Mayhood P2006
They're put on small clouds, told to wait.
And so they wait and sit
And if they question it,
"St. Peter is a wee bit late."
--- Irving Superior P9704
Was not only loved but adored;
At age eighty-seven
She started for heaven,
But returned for her earthly reward.
--- Limber Limericks
As painless as playing Parchessi.
Avoid every sin,
Love all as your kin,
Then drink dry the Rivewr Zambesi.
--- Timothy Torkildson
A man died and rose up to heaven.
He passed Pearly Gates,
While eating some dates.
All this happened before it was seven.
--- William K Alsop Jr
With wings and strings, all will be well;
Look up and you'll see
A cowpoke -- yes, me!
Who's flappin' and twangin' like hell!
--- Travis Brasell
The German mechanics are fine.
The French are the cooks;
The Swedes have good looks,
And all public fountains have wine.
--- Al Willis P9710
Suffers from odd paranoia;
She fears not meeting God,
For the size of his rod
Must rival the mighty Sequoia.
--- Mike Tice
Said, "You know my name, Father Kevin."
St Peter said, "Fine,
Just get in the line;
Number two two five three one four seven."
--- Anon
Shed tears as she fell to her knees.
He said, "Please, no mopin',
Your lock is now open. (chastity belt?)
You'll pass through the gates like a breeze."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
And wearing ridiculous wings,
While sat on a cloud,
Then I'll stay with the crowd
Who indulge in nefarious things.
--- Peter Wilkins
Your mother had died, no surprise.
And now you must do
What's all left to you;
Cross your fingers and hope that she'll rise.
--- John Paulk P0308
Believed that his parish was led well;
He told of Gate Seven,
The best one in Heaven,
And how to get in and play dead well.
--- Alsops Foibles
He asked if maid Brown went feet first,
When to heaven she went
On her upward ascent.
His mother said, "Nonsense, the worst!"
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0671
"I'm coming, oh God!" yelled maid Brown.
And she would have got there,
Johnnie solemn did swear,
Except father was holding her down.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0672
Had a million or so in her hoard.
But at age eighty-seven,
She took off for heaven
In a broken-down Model T Ford.
--- Lims Unlimited
John Milton, surely, Heaven bound.
And when he reached the Gate,
Did Peter hesitate?
John's still in charge of Lost and Found.
--- Irving Superior P9701
By then we'll be tired of its song.
A better design,
For both yours and mine
Is rounds (with a three-minute gong).
--- Nick Lanyon
Of those cupids and cretins above;
But I find, as a rule,
That the love of a fool
Means little, when push comes to shove.
--- Beelzebub TP9804
St. Peter said, "Your works were great."
Our appreciation we'll show
With this special halo,
So all will know you really rate.
--- Puff Adder
Her halo catches her eye.
It seems her halo
Looks better, you know,
And the good nun wants to know why?
--- Puff Adder
And goes back to see good old St. Pete.
She will find out
What it's all about;
She's surely one of the elite?
--- Puff Adder
But imagine how I must feel.
Di's halo's so fine;
It's nicer than mine!"
"Halo? That's a steering wheel!"
--- Puff Adder a
Campaigned against anything rude.
And now she has died
And old St Peter cried:
"You can only come in, in the nude.
--- Tony Burrell
The rain never falls, nor wind blows.
Beside, flesh and bone
Stay here; soul alone
Floats skyward, or so the script goes.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who aren't a Muslim or Jew.
The Druids don't rate;
Buddhists, same fate,
And pagans most surely won't do.
--- Chris Papa
"What you writing in that big gold book?"
The angel screamed, "Ben!
You ask once again,
And I'll take your name off the list, schnook."
--- Anon
Enjoy most is sex. It's the leven
For the meek and the brave,
For captain and slave.
Yet Christians exclude it from Heaven.
--- A N Wilkins P8606
A mountain of steak/mushroom pies?
Or is it, when hot,
To find you a spot
With an absence of wasps, bugs and flies.
--- Tiddy Ogg
But the angels all started to chortle.
When he asked them "What's wrong?
Don't you think I belong?"
Pete answered, "Not yet. You're still mortal!"
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
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