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There once was a woman from Devon, Moaned a harried old harlot named Min, There was an idealist named Kevin, A plumber said, "Leave me alive, You're a gnarled and sardonic old man; A harlot repented of sin, In Heaven, as part of perfection, When St. Peter was fitting young David I obeyed the call of the Big Guy I then took instruction from God So now I stand here at the Gates At a seance I summoned Lautrec Later he said that he might, So down from wherever he flew, God! He made love with a thirst, I will not die. I refuse. But I can't so I will live Heaven's too lofty for me; If you like, I will play you an air Disillusioned was "Born Again" Parr, Presbyterians believe without proof, The doctor was deep in his gloom; But alas, overwork laid him low. You know, I'm beginning to wonder In Hell, the prim British are cooks, Said the Devil seductively, "So Fair warning to those who goad Job Imagine that place up on high A philosopher, finding a stone, On gravestones there mostly will be Pinch babies, kick dogs, be real mean; Said a medical student, unmanned, There once was an Angel of Death, I once met this girl from down under, In Hell there no livestock down there; A professional biker named Bell, Said the leatherman to his admirer, Not sweet but quite naughty's Melinda; There's a place that we must go to dwell. When dying, a fellow named Bate Old Satan today always wins, There's a lusty young farmer in Piapot, When your ashes are filling an urn, The Hereafter to me was revealed After death, a dim Aussie shit eater I am sure to Hell I will go, In Hades, as part of perfection, These words shall be etched on my wreath: Ah Travis, my son, good to see Forgive me, Sis Chris, and embrace And that, sir, shall set your tomb's tone. There's no livestock to ride on, down there. The virginal nun woke to find "When I breathe my last breath", said Jim, In Hell, it's not nearly as staid; Maliciously Old Nick has probably I do beg your pardon, my friend! I found myself burning in hell, He said, "It's the Law I obey. "Tomorrow, we get you for food, "Rest in Peace, our glorious Ann" -- Your average French girls are no ladies; There's no future for our motherhood; Our alpha, the rabbi did say, From Sinai, departed to Venice, A Jew from the town of New York
Who hope to gain entry to Heaven.
But St. Peter said, "Nix,
Our limit is six,
And we know you've screwed lots more than seven."
--- Bob Birch P0107
Who was deep in original sin,
"Though I do quite well whor-ily,
I reproach myself morally;
Heaven know how I'll ever get in!"
--- Armand E Singer 148
Had his own impression of Heaven.
When he met his sad end,
He was clean 'round the bend;
He was never to see heavenly Devon!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
I'm twenty, too young for this dive."
Said St. Peter, "Indeed?
You've aged with great speed.
By your time-sheets, you've turned ninety-five."
--- Bill Backe-Hansen P8710
But this is still part of God's plan.
If you think that you know
Where you're going to go,
You can wipe that smirk right off your pan.
--- P Chernoff
Through contrition, she heaven did win.
But she found it too staid
So she plied her old trade,
And the saints all went marching right in.
--- David Finely P9610
A SMOKING and NON-SMOKING section--
Clouds and clouds black.
A noteworthy fact,
If Heaven should be your direction.
--- Irving Superior P9202
With his halo, he ranted and raved
About David's fine ass,
So said David, "Alas,
Not just father, I find, is depraved."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0915
Who said conquer the world and multiply.
As a true believer,
I rammed every beaver;
Broke all previous records, that's why.
--- Dirruk
Who told me to "Fuck off!", the old sod.
I thought he said "oft"
So I screwed and I boffed
Every girl with a heavenly bod.
--- Peter Wilkins
And boff every virgin who waits,
Or I go down to Hades
For shadier ladies
On odd-numbered calendar dates.
--- Peter Wilkins
And asked, "Could you come on a trek
With me and two belles?
Please bring your pastels."
He replied, "Just a sec...I'll go check..."
--- Tutta Gioia
But worried again 'bout his height.
I said not to worry,
Just think warm and furry...
So put on your wings and take flight.
--- Tutta Gioia
As though he would start life anew...
He painted us all,
He kept us in thrall,
And made love to our beautiful two.
--- Tutta Gioia
His passion just ready to burst.
Then with tears in his eyes,
Said, "Believe not those lies...
All's here! And not heaven rehearsed!"
--- Tutta Gioia
The afterlife myths are a ruse.
Poor Henri cries
"Believe not those lies!"
If only I really could choose.
--- Karen
As pleases me and I'll not give
An inch or a mile
In manner or style.
I'll go barefoot. I'll dance. I'll forgive.
--- Karen
I'd rather be down by the sea,
In a little grass hut
Where I'll sit on my butt;
I've got wine and bread...How 'bout thee?
--- Karen
On my cello, and make you declare
That that night by the sea
With his head on your knee,
Was a wondrous romantic affair.
--- Lucy
As he soared above earth very far.
At his moment of capture
Sucked up in the "Rapture",
He wailed, "You mean I can't keep my car?".
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0900
When they die, they go up through the roof.
Their fervor won't wane,
As they pray in the rain.
I'm sure that they're quite waterproof.
--- Al Willis
In his dreams he could see a grey tomb.
He dreamt he must wait
Behind Peter's great gate,
And be called last from the big waiting room.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
If the poor chap's in heaven, OH NO!
He can't ask who wrote
This verse or that quote,
'Cause those guys are all down below.
--- Bob Turvey P0607
If the airline has not made a blunder....
I wanted to go
To a land with no snow,
But -- should it stay this hot "Down Under"?
--- Robin K Willoughby P8702
And the Zulus have all the good looks.
The lovers are Swiss;
The Italians hate this,
And you dance every night with Chinooks.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Let me show you my realm down below,"
But the more he insisted,
The more she resisted.
Said she, "I'll be damned if I'll go!"
--- Laurence Perrine P9807
In their god-awful, devilish probe
Of the passions of man
In their masterless plan --
In the blink of a strobe, good-bye globe!
--- Anon
Where cherubs have feathers to fly.
Although Heaven seems boring,
Down below fires are roaring,
Where Auld Nick has fresh check-ins to fry.
--- Francis K Young
Gave vent to a horrified groan;
For beneath it he found
Christians squirming around,
And crying out loudly, "Atone!"
--- Beelzebub
The briefest obituary.
But if there's five lines
That BELOW defines,
It might then be you or else me.
--- Irving Superior
Don't forget to do something obscene.
Be sure to dress well
For your sojourn to Hell,
And be certain your undies are clean.
--- John Miller
"Hellfire can't be properly planned.
For all time to be doomed,
To burn on unconsumed,
Is what no constitution can stand."
--- Allen M Laing
And he is coming for Beth.
She will burn her soul
In a hellish hot hole,
When he takes her very last breath.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
This is file ywl
With a voice like the rolling of thunder,
Two horns and a tail -- Can
She be Australian?
What the Hell -- it's a logical blunder.
--- KJR
Just flames and the heat and the glare
Off the small guillotine,
From which you are fleein',
To keep those pants part that are rare.
--- Archie
From his bicycle tumbled and fell.
His skull made of bone
Got cracked by a stone.
He's now en-route to Hell.
--- Nik Synytskyy
A young boy who sang in the choir,
"The church we attend
Had my soul on the mend,
But the afterlife now looks much direr.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Stands naked in front of her window
And her morals of late,
Ensure her a date
With Old Nick, to be burned to a cinder.
--- Anon
When we all, in this life, say farewell.
When man meets ex-wife
Later in afterlife,
Will determine if Heaven or Hell.
--- Observer
Arranged to pay charges and freight
On his brand-new Mercedes
To be sent down to Hades
To ensure that he'd get a hot date.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0034
As he has us before he begins.
Conditions impel
Him to add on to Hell,
Since we've legalized all seven sins.
--- A N Wilkins P9808
Whose combine makes all the girls sigh a lot.
That's all very well,
But when he goes to Hell,
I'll wager he sure gets to fry a lot.
--- John E Maywood
Reflect on my story, and learn.
I tell you, I hated
My being cremated,
'Til I felt a more permanent burn.
--- Anon
And there was an Elysian Field
Filled with chiggers and bees
And arachnids and fleas,
And the honey and milk were congealed.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9709
Was turned back at the gates by St. Peter.
When he asked his crime,
Pete said "Your post don't rhyme,
And aint in a limerick metre!"
--- Anon
But this doesn't come as a blow.
I'd guess paradise
Can't be all that nice
When there isn't anybody you know.
--- Kitten
A SMOKING and NON-SMOKING section--
But like back on Earth
Of justice, a dearth.
NON-SMOKING, the down-wind direction.
--- Irving Superior P9202
"Ol' Trav's not in hell down beneath,
For hell hath no critters,
Just limerick quitters,
And Sister Christina's sharp teeth.
--- Travis Brasell
You back here, and mentioning me.
You can stuff your wreath
And your rumors of teeth
Or you'll have to start sitting to pee.
--- Sister Christina
Me with mercy since I, in disgrace,
Have to sing, (Not by choice)
In the feminine voice
Of soprano instead of low bass.
--- Travis Brasell
Sure, the preacher'll stand there and drone
'Bout saving your soul,
But when deep in the hole,
The meat's sweeter close to the bone.
--- Cyber Wizard
Just flames and the heat and the glare
Off the small guillotine
From which you are fleein',
To keep those pants parts that are rare.
--- Archie
that, by mistake, to hell she'd been consigned.
Phoned St. Peter to save her;
But post-orgy, she wavered;
"Hey Pete, it's Maggie, never mind."
--- Res Ipsa
"I hope the Lord takes me to Him."
But the sound of the Knell
Found Jim deep in hell;
He had to go out on a lim!
--- Anon
There are times you can actually get laid.
They use a big tube
And dispense with the lube
And care not if the gerbil's afraid.
--- Al Willis
Now bought the used soul of dear Wobbly.
No longer she posts,
Just sits while she roasts,
And utters some sounds which are sobbly.
--- Archie
You say Wobbly has come to an end?
I'm afraid you're not right.
I am here for the night,
And your luscious male body I'll tend.
--- Michelle
Screaming out, Jesus, the smell!
The Devil explained,
It's all been ordained
Since you tossed that bug in the well.
--- H Welchel
That poor spider drowned on that day.
Although he'd no brain,
That spider felt pain.
So you, in turn, feel it today."
--- H Welchel
'Cause most what you ate was quite rude
To beef cows and fish.
And soon you will wish
To chew off your own flesh, bad dude!"
--- H Welchel
That's how the obituary ran.
But Ann didn't cease
To be a great piece,
She just went to hell for a tan.
--- Neal Wilgus P8208
They'll do anything to get a Mercedes.
In private or whore-office
They peddle each orifice,
Nor care if they end up in Hades.
--- G1818
Young girls will be misunderstood.
Low cut blouses, short skirts,
Make them all look like flirts,
And go against the rules of the talmud.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Is aleph; it's equal to "a."
Any Jew who can write
And read Hebrew can quite
Likely handle a hundred each day.
--- Rory Ewins Q
The Hebrews rejoiced with, "Amen, it's
So pleasant he's lacking,
With all of his yakking,
And cajoling us, 'Any for tenets'?".
--- Anon
Was arrested for dining on pork.
In rabinical court
Thus he did report:
It was all the fault of his fork!
--- Phil T
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