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There was a mad Russian named Boris Said the black-bearded Raj of Johore (nautch girl - Indian professional dancing girl)
Oh, there are no virgins left in Foster Hall! "My harem now has what it lacked", Sylvester, a cad and a boor, An ardent young lecher named Joel, A lecherous carpenter, Crowell, I just want to let you all know When she spread out her legs for young Gene, A licentious old justice of Salem, One evening, a Guru had coitus, Have you heard of the cocksman named Tulley There was a young fellow named Grimes, Lew, the long-membered lecher of Lyme, An old Arab who lived in Tashkent, No wakeup call, heretofore, "The next time," said Dan, "I intend TWO! An oversexed fellow named Bode She was on the floor by my seat; Said a young man, "I'm really delighted A virile young man of Touraine, Said a horny young pirate name Tate, An ineverate boaster of Toaster, In a place like Toaster.
There once was a Swede in Minneapolis, The wind whistled down through the willow; And there, looking at her, stood Stu; Perhaps we should not take defeat And there, looking at her, stood Stu. Nah, Azul would still take offence And there, looking at her, stood Stu; And there, looking at her, stood Stu, And there, looking at her, stood Stu; And there, looking at her, stood Stu; Ah shucks! I guess it's no use; And there, looking at her, stood Stu, Remember the night in Shanghai, There once was a man named McNutt There once was a hoary old Boer, A cautious young fucker named Len A lacivious fellow named Rex An ardent young fellow named Dutton, There once was a son-of-a-bitch, An astonished young bride named LaFong, There was a young fellow named Bryce Cousin Cassie's long visits I dread, There's a hopeless young man of Starflecks There was a young pilot from Bangor, A bashful man called on fair Gwen There was a young fellow from Maine, Miss Debbie writes fiction romantic; Each night Peter creeps in and hovers So, that Peter, he takes a wee look It's clear that Miss Debbie has poured She's been bored by each Tom, Dick, and Bill The Army has screwed Deb quite hollow; There was a young lady from Spain, Il y avait une madame de Lahore De Hispanice puella verumque At twenty it seemed alright, I thought to give others a chance, There is an old maid named Magruder, Till one night this old maid named Magruder A promiscuous sort was dear Laurie, And Johnny and Richard and Pritchard and Kerry, And Peter and Paul and Teddy and Todd, And David and Dennis and Huey and Ken, And Danny and Manny and Gary and Fred,
Who swore he would bore the whole chorus...
Sighed the last in the line,
"Well, right now he looks fine,
But there's forty-two hot tails before us!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 345
As he turned Miss Tuppeen from his door:
"I've just swived four wives,
And a nautch girl with hives--
No thanks, I can't use any more."
--- Grand Prix Lim 697 G0688
I thought there were, but when I went to call,
I found there was no chance
That I'd not been in their pants,
For I personally had fucked one and all!
--- G1552
The Sultan expansively cracked.
"There are bunk beds for all
Where the dears wait my call,
Since the women I ball, must be stacked.
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Had his wife; kissed her 'bye at the door.
Met his mistress at ten,
At five hooker Gwen,
He had scored a rare hat trick de jour.
--- Frank
Found himself a most interesting goal:
To screw all the gals,
Of each of his pals,
From the day before New Years to Noel.
--- Isaac Asimov
Spent most of his nights on the prowl,
In drinking and flirting
And often inserting
The stick he kept calling his dowel.
--- Armand E Singer 587
That I'm going to be in a show
On Broadway in June,
And in June by noon,
And also in April, Mae, Flo.
--- Travis Brasell
He rammed up the meat in between,
And she screamed in delight
As he fucked her all night,
But he claimed it was simply routine.
--- Albin Chaplin
Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em.
But instead of a fine,
He would stand them in line,
With his common-law tool to impale 'em.
--- L1056
With an actress, a whore, and a poetess.
When asked what position,
He used for coition,
He answered serenely, "The Loetus".
--- Anon
Who laid thirty gals in a gully?
Well, the first twenty-nine
One and all said, "He's fine!"
But the last said, "He made it, but dully."
--- Grand Prix Lim 217
Who fucked his girl seventeen times
In the course of a week.
And this isn't to speak,
Of assorted venereal crimes.
--- L0306
Is so weak he can't get off the dime...
He has been a sad sight
Since he wed Nina Knight...
Nine a night drains him dry all the time!
--- Grand Prix Lim 138
Harbored twenty fat wives in his tent.
He tried potions a plenty
To run through the twenty,
But he never made more than a dent.
--- Anon
Has caused me to want an encore.
This Japanese girl,
Her tongue would uncurl.
She said, "Prease don't sreep any more."
--- Al Willis T9712
I'll get to her home before ten TO
The hour of nine
And if she is mine,
By ten to, intend to at ten, TOO!"
--- Irving Superior P8405
Remarked as he shot his ninth load:
"Being sexually deft,
I have one load still left,
So spread, baby.--One for the road!"
--- G0532
When he then performed an amazing feat.
In less half of ten,
He fucked once, then again,
His name it was Five-Minute Pete!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
To find that my love is requited
By all twenty-two
Of the girls that I screw.
Were there fewer, I'd feel myself slighted.
--- Isaac Asimov P9704
Had vesicles no one could drain.
With an unbroken flow,
Thrice the course he would go,
Then roll over and start in again.
--- L0354
"There are eight girls in port whom I date;
And I sure have a ball,
Since I'm banging them all --
Tearing off all those pieces of eight!"
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Would brag that he'd coupled with most 'er
The ladies in town, from the Mayoress down
To the Maids at the 'Crown'.
That's hardly a great deal to boast 'er
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Discovered his sex life was hapless.
The more he would screw,
The more he'd want to,
And he feared he would soon be quite sapless.
--- L0068
The breeze blew, the washing to billow,
And 'neath counterpane
Lay beautiful Jane,
With her sweet angel face on the pillow.
--- Tiddy Ogg
His love for that honey-child grew.
And so did his dick...
A pump and a flick,
And he's covered her features with goo.
--- Tiddy Ogg
In trying to keep this discrete...
But try to retell
It to suits AAL, (Alt.arts.limericks - clean only)
And still keep from seeming effete.
--- John Miller
His love for that honey-child grew,
And so did his lust...
It took but one thrust,
She was knocked up before he was through.
--- John Miller
And I've nothing to say in defence
Of that lim, which is poor;
But I'll still try once more
Though I'd quit if I had any sense.
--- John Miller
His love for that honey-child grew.
And so did his lust
Till he thought he would bust...
Sure enough, both his testicles blew.
--- John Miller
His love for that honey-child grew,
And so did his lust
Till he thought he would bust...
Well he did! With a BANG! right on cue.
--- John Miller
His love for that honey-child grew,
But he thought, "She's my daughter,
I'd best hadn't oughter,"
And looked for a poodle to screw.
--- John Miller
His love for that honey-child grew.
But he thought "She's my daughter,
I'd best hadn't oughter,"
But he did, and his brother did too.
--- John Miller
This is file ytm
When it comes to clean rhymes, I'm obtuse.
I guess you will find
What's most on my mind
Is perversion, pure sex, and abuse.
--- John Miller
Plus Tiddy and John Miller too!
Unaware, in their haste
That this chick wasn't chaste...
She'd given them crabs and Bird Flu.
--- David Miller
When we put down two gallons of rye,
And all eight of the ladies,
At Singapore Sadie's?
How the days of our youth hurry by!
--- John Ciardi
Whose life was a terrible rut;
Excepting for sex,
Which he made quite complex,
Screwing slut after slut after slut.
--- Cap'n Bean P9812
Who had it away with a whore;
Once in the stable,
And twice on the table,
And three times or more on the floor.
--- Michael Horgan
Will count very slowly to ten,
Get back on his feet,
Have something to eat,
And start right in at it again.
--- Armand Singer
Needed physico-mental effects.
But even after he'd laid
Every wife and old maid,
He was still somewhat hung up on sex.
--- G2472
Was simply a sexual glutton.
He would always make hay,
Nine or ten times a day.
And aside from all that, he did nuttin'.
--- Isaac Asimov
Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich,
Yet the girls he would dazzle,
And fuck to a frazzle,
And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch.
--- L0008
Found her husband abnormally strong.
She knew about sex
And its heady effects,
But thought thirty-two times might be wrong.
--- G0632
Whose life was devoted to vice.
He shattered the morals
Of thousands of gorrels,
And never fucked anyone twice.
--- G0062A
For every night straight to my bed,
She trots, hot and bare,
Where we knock off a pair...
After TEN WEEKS of that, Man, you're dead.
--- Grand Prix Lim 63
Who can never get enough sex.
When he isn't just diddling,
He twiddling or fiddling--
He claims it's unconscious reflex.
--- G2209
Who locked eighteen girls in his hangar,
Where he treated them wrong
And kept them so long,
The countryside rose up in anger.
--- John Ciardi
Because he did feel such a yen.
Though it wan't his aim,
He went when he came,
So he asked if he could come again.
--- Bill Backe-Hansen P9702
Who courted a girl all in vain.
She cussed when he kissed her,
So he slept with her sister,
Again and again and again.
--- Anon
It's mostly 'ho-hum' and pedantic.
But nightly she dreams
Up unseemlier themes,
And indulges in friction quite frantic.
--- Peter Wilkins
To watch her with fictitious lovers.
"She's a precious minx,"
Say Peter, "Methinks
I'll just take a look 'neath the covers."
--- Ericka
'Neath the covers of Miss Debbie's 'book'
And what does he spy?
A dandy named Bri(an)
Giving Debbie a bit of a fook.
--- Brian Belge
Her guts into writing a hoard
Of "How To" novellas,
Pertaining to fellas,
Who've nightly made her to feel bored.
--- Travis Brasell
But no one could give Deb her fill,
'Til an infantry man
Laid out this here plan:
FALL IN, AND WE'LL GO THROUGH THE DRILL!
--- Brian Belge
The Air Force and Navy will follow.
Now she is quite sore,
But still wanting more,
But alas, no one's left for tomorrow!
--- Squat
Whose face was exceedingly plain.
But her cunt had a pucker
That made the men fuck her,
Again, and again, and again.
--- L0237
Dont la figure n'etait la meillerure,
Mais la vagine tres forte,
Toujours couverte la porte,
Encore, et encore, et encore.
--- L0238
Simplex oris verborumque
Tulit potens vagina
Hominum agmina
Iterum iterum iterumque.
--- L0239
To do "it" ten times in a night.
I haven't been celibate
Just for the hell of it.
I was just being polite.
--- Anon
To try those best at the dance.
I got out of the habit
Of being a rabbit,
And now I am stuck in my pants.
--- Anon
Nightly screwed by a Midnight Intruder.
In a state of euphoria
In the town of Emporia,
Each night she gets nuder and screweder.
--- G1006
Remarked to her Midnight Intruder:
"I must turn on the light
To make sure you aim right--
The last time you went up my tooter!"
--- G1007
(Yes, this is that type of story.)
She did it with Joe,
And Larry and Moe,
And Curly and Howard and Morrie.
--- Anon
And Lonny and Horace and Boris and Barry,
And Donald and Gerald,
And Ronald and Harold,
And Tommy and Dicky and Harry.
--- Anon
And Matthew and Mark and Simon and Rod,
And Brucie and Mark,
And Bobby and Clark,
And she still isn't finished! My God!
--- Anon
And Dewey and Lewis, then David again,
And Willy and Ben,
And David again,
And again and again and again.
--- Anon
And Mackie and Jackie and Dougie and Ned,
And Harvey and Len,
(Then David again)
And -- hold on a second -- she's dead!
--- Anon
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