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The girls out in far Amarillo Though she tried many men in her manor, A couple's in bed with the gal atop The lusts of a Tory will range I know a tall Sunday school teacher, He knows all of your innermost needs; (see Lenny Bruce)
If she is dressed in leather, Said Clara, "A water bed's tossier, Of a lover she'd often had dreams; It pains me that girls with a brain There was a young lady named Hilda, Cum Hilde autem ambulat There was a young man of Khartoum, A highly bored damsel called Brown, On a bridge that went 'cross a ravine, "I've endured twenty years of bad sex," "Upgrading specs? You're so smart! This really is an old load of crap. "Oh dear! Do you see what I mean? You see, men who do lunch with you For the warning, I am in your debt. What, my "love is all science--no art?" Dear John, it is true what you say. Page six covers "book in the way," But I must say it's come out all right, Some people just never will learn. A man should be slow, take your time. Flowers? I'm really not sure. Stop with the throwing of stones. A couple were ordered to state He doesn't mind losing a race, Though he tried many times, many ways, (sauvaise - ??)
In Aussie we quaff a few beers, So you've woke, and there with you's a dame; Diseases you've caught beyond measure; She stirs, and sits up by your side. A pretentious young man from Nevada A disconsolate couple named Biddle A shy little thing from Canberra, A shortsighted cave-man named Moke A simple young lady named Mame In Texas I had Mary Jane, There were two young ladies of Claversham, (H and F - British actors 1890's)
Two nudists riding a horse There once was an odious brute Said a floundering fellow named Manion, Young Inga I courted "am Main" They screwed 'mid a thunderstorm frightening It's been asked, what is the fascination, "I wonder why romance is dead "I'd rather the thrill of the chase, And Grace thought, "Well, romance is dead. There was a young lady whose twat A farm girl by name of Lupescu There once was a girl from Sri Lanka, A financial advisor named Flynn Said a woman from Richmond, Virginia, Buddies Jason and Josh just got paid. Jason picked up a street whore, Young Josh woke up with a fat slut, So be careful, young men when you drink. In the soap-operas heard in Gomorrah, Sex prime and sex squared and Sexetera, I traveled to far distant shores Well, I laid there and twiddled her twat, A couple named Linda and Nick
Always sleep with their hips on a pillow.
They do it, 'tis said,
So when boys jump in bed,
They feel like they're riding a billow.
--- Ed Wolfert P8304
No man could appease old Miss Banner,
Till a plumber named Lew
Shoved a pipe up her flue,
Which he worked with a seven-foot spanner.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0730
And suddenly she makes the fella stop.
She lets out a cry,
"Viagra please try;
These Popsicle sticks are a malaprop.
--- Gary Hallock
From mildly perverted and strange
Or something exotic
To auto-erotic,
With stockings, a noose, and the mange.
--- Donald McGill
Who wanted to screw the short preacher.
She flashed him some thigh,
But her pussy seemed high,
So he stood on a chair just to reach her.
--- Anon
Let him show you his string of large beads;
When they're deftly applied,
Ma'am your brains will get fried;
As you "pop" 'em out into the weeds!
--- Anon
And the girl's name is Heather,
And if she's not too fast,
And I can make it last,
I'll tickle her ass with a feather.
--- Enema Bandit
So that intricate screwing is saucier.
It's a sure stimulation
Or erotic sensation,
Were it not that it brings about nausea.
--- Isaac Asimov
A man who could mend all her seams.
Make her once again whole,
With a watertight soul,
And be very adept with whipped cream.
--- Madcat
Will choose from rough sex to abstain;
What can give them displeasure
Is another man's treasure,
Like the spreader, the whip, and the chain!
--- Mark Levy P9708a
Who went for a walk with a builder.
He knew that he could,
And he should and he would,
And he did, and it goddamn near killed her.
--- L0308
Homo qui aedificabat
Dixit volebat. Debet et porebat.
Sic ille ducebat. Statim faciebat.
Sed virginem pine necebat.
--- L0309
Who lured a poor girl to her doom.
He not only fucked her,
And buggered and sucked her,
But left her to pay for the room.
--- L1187
Remarked as she laid herself down,
"I hate to be doing
This promiscuous screwing,
But what else can you do in this town?"
--- Anon G0025
Archibald had been screwing Kathleen.
The force of his lunge,
Caused the whole thing to plunge.
Worst fucking disaster I've seen.
--- Isaac Asimov
Said the wife, "And it really does vex."
Laughed the husband, "Well I
Am unwilling to try
To upgrade your beaux to MY specs!"
--- John Miller 0107
Some wisdom I'd like to impart.
I'm Venus, you're Mars.
It's ordained by the stars.
Your love is all science--no art!"
--- Annie Jay
"I'm Venus, You're Mars." What a sap!
When it comes to the crunch,
We all like to munch
On the bits that wobble and flap.
--- Martin Hanna
Our separate tastes can be seen.
You're munching and crunching;
I like elegant lunching
With men who are far less obscene.
--- Annie Jay
Might seem proper and good in your view,
But the ones called 'New Man'
Have a far better plan
To trick you and get a quick screw.
--- Martin Hanna
This 'New Man' has no etiquette.
He plays tricks to entrap,
Goes home, takes a nap;
Bet he's not even potty-trained yet!
--- Annie Jay
Here's a manual on ways of the heart...
I'll bet if I look
I can find in this book,
A section that covers that part.
--- John Miller
You'll find that and more. Don't delay.
Land sake's alive!
Let's do page five,
Gently! Damn book's in the way!
--- Annie Jay
But I have gone without in my day;
By misplacing my glasses
While processing lasses,
And had to procede my own way.
--- John Miller
Though the job took me half of the night.
I passed peer review,
And learned something new:
One can cope if you don't get up-tight.
--- John Miller
Their approach will make ladies yearn
For a touch that is velvet.
Just one with a helmet
Insures that one will crash and burn.
--- Annie Jay
Bring flowers, recite a love rhyme.
It's well worth the wait,
You won't get the gate.
Your reward will sure be sublime.
--- Annie Jay
You think it's a good enough lure?
The girls that I know
Are the kind that will go
With me, with my mind like a sewer.
--- Martin Hanna
Enough of the moaning and groans.
The girls we all know
Will take any beau,
If he's got all the right pheromones.
--- MrMalo
The malfunction they had to relate.
She said, "He can't wait;
If we couple late,
So I'm primed but I can't terminate."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
At times, doesn't mind losing face.
But, if in midst of a clinch,
The phone rings, it's a cinch
He's so MAD if he loses his place.
--- Evelyn Bogen P9701
To fuck his beloved with 'sauvaise',
He'd constantly fail
To find the detail
That would send her right off in a blaze.
--- G0810
And head for the girls, not the queers.
But when you wake in a state
On the bed with your mate,
It's hardly an occasion for cheers.
--- Anon
This is file ykm
A god-awful bitch, what a shame!
She looks like a hog,
That's been crossed with a dog,
And you don't even know the slut's name.
--- Anon
You were drunk, so remember no pleasure.
Did you have fun?
Don't know what you've done;
And you're lumbered with this tarnished treasure.
--- Anon
"You were real good last night, ducks," she sighed.
But you're not impressed
By the hairs on her chest,
It's a bloke in transvestite disguise!
--- Anon
Boasted loud to his girl, once he'd hada,
"You get only the best!"
But she wasn't impressed
And with irony murmured, "...de nada!"
--- Keith MacMillan A077A
Can not find an agreeable middle.
For him, monthly sex is
Unreasonable excess
And for her, twice a day is too little.
--- Alex Heydon
Decided that sex was an error.
It scared her to bits,
It drove her to fits,
But she did it--in fear and in terror.
--- Isaac Asimov
Laid a cave-girl down for a poke.
But he couldn't see far
So a fat dinosaur
Finished them off in mid-stroke.
--- Neal Wilgus P8304
Had no one but mother to blame.
She was taught morals dear,
So she fucked in great fear,
And enjoyed it so much, but in shame.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2182
Who's father inflicted some pain;
And as we were rootin',
He started in shootin',
Again and again and again.
--- David Miller Q
Who allowed two men to ravish 'em.
Said May to Elize,
"If we just close our eyes,
We'll imagine they're Hackett and Faversham!"
--- L1254
Knocked over a bottle of sauce.
It splattered their faces
And lodged in rude places;
Now I guess they can't have intercourse.
--- Craig Whitchurch
Who made love in his Sunday-best suit.
The result, as you'd guess,
Was a wet sticky mess,
And a very chafed maiden, to boot.
--- Isaac Asimov
As he fucked with his lady companion,
"I've had better, I think.
When I pulled on my dink,
On a trip to the depths of Grand Canyon.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0531
'Till her mom on the sheets saw a stain.
Then her dad (the damn Nazi)
Said "Go get some Schatzie,
You'll not see my daughter again!"
--- Anon
And just as their tensions were heightening,
CER-RACK! They were struck;
Fused together mid-fuck,
In flagrante delicto by lightning.
--- Peter Wilkins
More precisely, where's the stimulation?
It's not meant to perplex,
But when folks "have 'like' sex,"
Is that then just a mere simulation?
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0306
And buried?" thought gentleman Fred;
"I wonder why screwing
Is better than wooing,
For getting young girls into bed?"
--- Peter Wilkins
The kiss and the final embrace;
The tentative fumble...
But I guess I can't grumble,"
Thought Fred as he bounced up on Grace.
--- Peter Wilkins
But not nearly as dead as Fred.
He's bouncing up there,
But damn, it ain't fair,
That there is no prick in this bed.
--- Marlene Lewis
Her lover could never make hot.
Said she, as his javelin
Ripped into her ravelin',
"I hope you have fun, 'cause I'm not."
--- G0212
Was laid by some lad in the fescue;
She yelled and she screamed
And goddamn near creamed,
But nobody came to her rescue.
--- Armand E Singer 198
Who had an affair with a banker.
He had the gall
When he made his withdrawl,
And didn't even bother to thank 'er.
--- Tim Robinson
Said investment in sex is a sin.
Your substantial accretion
Will suffer depletion
For you never get out what went in.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2573
"I'd be rich if I only were skinnia.
If I lost thirty pounds,
The boys would have grounds,
To say, 'How I'd pay to be inia.'"
--- Isaac Asimov
"Let's go out, get drunk, and get laid."
What they both needed fast
Was a sweet piece of ass.
These guys knew that they both had it made.
--- FB
Whose name was Pussy Galore.
He was just a young punk
Who had gotten too drunk.
Three days later, his dick was real sore.
--- FB
With stretch marks all over her gut.
Big sweaty thighs,
Saggy tits, jumbo size,
And a huge floppy cellulite butt.
--- FB
"I can handle it", is what you think.
It's really a drag
After screwing a hag.
Now quick, wash your dick in the sink.
--- FB
The heroine wakes up in horror,
To find that a prick,
Nearly three inches thick,
Is halfway up her tune-in-tomorrow.
--- L1653
Of these, some are the bettera.
But few of the many
Are worse than not any,
And sad are the ones who don't gettera.
--- G2731
And met a young girl named Dolores.
She saw me well fed,
And took me to bed,
Then kept me awake with her snores.
--- Bob Hunt
And gave the job all that I've got.
Yet my trusty repeater
Somehow couldn't heat her,
Though I worked on that hole quite a lot.
--- G2224
Had shortcomings that made them both sick.
He expressed his disgust
With her tiny bust,
And she with his miniscule dick.
--- Wiley
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