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A born-again good Christian gent A devious woman from Boles No Jesus-freak people inane Last night I saw many cute cherabim, I thought that I'd buy this stuff one day; (ad for Christian supplier of ink)
If Christ died for our sins, as the priest Without the act of contrition After a trek across Europe Each Sunday I'm left in the lurch I confess, and my stomach confirms, "Do unto others," they say, A theology student named Baird A professor of paleontology, (doxology - short hymn praising God)
I'm afraid I was just in the mood, God made Adam, a feat oft commended -- It's not that it's my time to go, The Good Book says not to deceive. There was an old fellow named Ammon "There's no God," say the French. "That's obscene, A daring theologian of Abystwyth The sinners are burning in Hell; Though often of disparate views, The lion that roamed in the glen All religions I use to amuse, (founder of Methodism)
Said the God-maker Judas Iscariot, When the Trump sounds, will you and yours say: There was a young girl with a feeling, Why bitch about the Christian label; We think we should sue you for libel; Laughed that old bon vivant Marshall Finn, My father at age ninety seven "What is truth," said the cynical Pilate, Luther's two sins some will say "For the nuns I continue to pine," Those ninety-five theses of Luther The indulgence sales vexed Luther sore, Mary Magdaline said, "As a saint The Gospel according to Matt A spiritual healer named Lee There was a young heathen named Hommes, There was a young lady from Bath Most Christians, I believe you'll concede, A builder of roads name of Paul There was a most devout Christian The Truth is the Lord's mighty saber; "Since parthenogenisis misses (sounds like Joseph's complaint - McW)
A rather unorthodox Greek I ponder the saints and infinity, With his steno a pastor named Pfaff An ardent young acolyte named Xavier, Said the Lord, "We must send an instructor Praise the Lord, my fetish confessed, The evangelist's heart was still drumming; In Africa, thanks to our care, A problem the Good Book addresses There was an old prophet named Gophet The cadaverous image priests pray on Poor Simon's not much of a lad, As one and all will soon find out, All my trials, I confess, I besmirch: At Oxford when Niebuhr had quitted, Though dying, a man of great worth At the new Billy Graham Crusade A kinky young girl from Eutoxeter, Said a lighthearted girl from Salerno, Stalwart ecclesiastic, Fred Stonce,
Felt obliged to hold back during Lent.
Though the sport that he sought
Left him short on the spot,
That would surge with an urge heaven sent.
--- Val Burns
Had two antithetical souls:
One went to heaven
And entered Gate Seven,
While the other was walking on coals.
--- Lims Unlimited
Will ever put me to shame.
The Christians I see
Are perverted as me,
So I feel I'm ahead of the game.
--- Jim Weaver Collection a
Or, maybe, they all were just seraphim;
I know they had wings,
But NO sexy things;
Perhaps I should call them all 'herahim.'
--- Anon
I'll give them an order on Monday.
But what's Christian ink?
I've pondered and think
Your printer won't work on a Sunday.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Declares," said a barfly named Keast,
"His death is in vain
If we chose to abstain,
So we ought to commit them at least."
--- A N Wilkins P8403a
We all would go straight to perdition;
A marvelous find
Is a priest who won't mind,
When you fulfill your youthful ambition.
--- Baxter Sperry P0111
Crusaders, sore saddle and stirrup,
Found to their dismay,
March of thirty-one days,
Made them irritable and unlikely to cheer up.
--- Arthur Deex P0605
While sinners are heading for church.
I think half of the nation
Is seeking salvation,
When all they deserve is the birch.
--- SFA
That something inside of me squirms,
When I read in the pages
Of history's Dark Ages,
Men partook of a Diet of Worms.
--- Laurence Perrine P9505
"As you'd have them treat you that way."
But kindly feel free
To omit this with me,
If you're masochist, crazy, or gay.
--- John Miller 0046 A
Was asked how in courses he fared.
He said he was screening
The words with no meaning,
And was expert in double-talk squared.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0970
Was arrested without an apology,
For proclaiming that we've
Sprung from Adam and Eve,
And reciting in class, the Doxology.
--- Cyber Geezer
For a bit of gratuitous crude.
To avoid sure perdition,
I avoided religion;
Maybe next time, 'twill not be eschewed.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Virgin Mary from Adam descended.
Virgin Mary then bore
Son of God, so she swore --
Family screwing that can't be defended.
--- Phil Cannibal P9106
I'm hoping the 'Reaper' is slow.
So if you've departed
Before I have started,
Get word back - I'm dying to know.
--- Anon
What I state here is true, I believe.
Upon some reflection,
When it comes to injection,
It's better to give than receive.
--- Macsam
Who said when his wife gave him salmon,
"Is THAT all you serve?"
And she answered with verve,
"I also serve God and serve Mammon."
--- Limber Limericks
For there is," say the Irish with spleen.
But the English demur
Because they are sure
That the truth lies somewhere in between.
--- A N Wilkins P8605
Met a young lady to play whist with.
She trumped his first trick,
So he took out his clasp-knife and cut her
Bloody throat from ear to ear.
--- Penguin Dictionary P2005
In Heaven, it's said, all is well.
The problem for us
Is: Toward which terminus
Are we headed? (I know, but won't tell.)
--- Biblical Limericks P0103
They all present it as "news."
In scriptural matters
They tear it to tatters,
Though it comes in different hues.
--- Laurence Perrine P8706
Was hunted by prosperous men.
If the truth we must tell,
He did not fare as well
As the Christians thrown in the lion's den.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2593
Though I wouldn't choose to disabuse
Anyone of belief,
But there's this query brief,
Just what method did John Wesley use?
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0607
As he flung to the tree-top his lariat,
"Pray bear me, dear tree,
Till the days number three,
And Time cuts me down for his chariot."
--- Conrad Aiken P9408
"Thank heavens! At last! Judgment Day!"
Or, "Hang on a spot,
I can't find my sock?"
Arrange for a spare; don't delay.
--- Weekly Science
That if she spent long enough kneeling,
She'd feel the reception
Of the immaculate conception,
(The man under the bed came from Ealing.)
--- Anon
It would just go to show how we're able
To lie to ourselves
About Santa and elves,
And some kid who's born in a stable.
--- John Miller
Though our customs are primitive, tribal,
You should know, in Barbados,
The Mission will trade us
For five dirty limericks, a Bible.
--- St Tope P8502 A
"All deplore the low wages of sin;
Well, they may have a point;
These are times out ofjoint,
But there're perks such as ramming it in."
--- Armand Singer
Was arrested and sentenced to Heaven.
When he entered the gate
St. Peter said, "Wait!
The Book says you're only eleven."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
"That ignorant men should defile it?
From the source to the seed,
All nature's agreed,
It is only man's mind would restyle it."
--- Conrad Aiken
Consign him to hell to this day.
He shook the Pope's crown,
And struck the monks down,
Who forced all the sinners to pay.
--- Annie Jay
This is file yil
Martin confessed with a whine...
"Wait..I've got a solution!
No need for my absolution!
'Faith Without Works' is just fine!"
--- Tutta Gioia
Were posted to proclaim the truth, er
Else to reveal
His rhetorical zeal
(The former contention seems couther).
--- Norm Storer
And he angrily screamed and he swore:
"By writing 95 these,
I'll tear Rome to pieces!
And nail them to the Wittenberg Door."
--- Bob L Staples Lib Lim
Observing each pious restraint
To merit the credit,
My expenses are debit,
Since I save all that money on paint.
--- A N Wilkins P9104
Should be read with a big caveat.
Be you always aware
That the prophecies there
Were in fact begat under Matt's hat.
--- Anon
Ducked into an alley to pee.
He pissed in the eye
Of this blind harmless guy,
Who screamed "Holy shit! I can see!"
--- Anon
From Christians he learned about psalms.
And he then was enticed
By the glory of Christ,
Then he learned about napalm and bombs.
--- Albin Chaplin
Who trod on a straight narrow path;
It was neither as narrow
As the blade of a harrow,
Nor was it as wide as a lath.
--- Limber Limericks
Love money and chase it, indeed.
They save it in banks,
Those dollars and francs,
And they call it the Nicene Greed.
--- Al Willis P9709
Built roads with no wayside at all.
He received approbation
From wise men in the nation,
Since no man by the wayside could fall.
--- Al Chaplin P9408
Who gave up women and missed 'em.
God said "Be devout",
So he threw them all out,
And said "Well I'll simply get pissed then."
--- Anon
It saves us from Satan's foul labor.
My words unto you
I believe to be true,
But the Truth is that you ain't my neighbor!
--- Anon
The rapture of previous kisses,
One is apt to inquire
As to what might inspire
Such a singular stunt by the Mrs."
--- G1691
(A practice we trust was unique)
Would inaugurate spring
With an amorous fling,
Observing his own "Passion Week."
--- Armand E Singer 290
The angels, the devils, the Trinity;
You see, my degree
Is a holy BD. (Bachelor of Divinity)
Heaven knows, we could use more Divinty.
--- Rory Ewins
Once committed a sexual gaffe.
For so says the Bible,
That thou are held liable
For putting thy rod in thy staff.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9009a
Dedicated his soul to the Saviour.
Then a bitch taught that boy
Matrimonial joy --
My God! how the Saviour's lost favier.
--- G1176
To the profligate cad, Percy Ruchter."
So an angel of mercy
Was dispatched to see Percy,
But he nailed down her wings and he fucked her.
--- Albin Chaplin
All my sins can now be transgressed.
Soon I'll be succumbing
To your second coming;
It seems that I've been truly blessed.
--- Anon
The born-again girl softly humming.
The first fuck was great.
They lie abed and wait,
And look forward to the promised second coming.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun
The natives wear clothes everywhere.
And it's now their ambition
To send us a mission,
Because our young women go bare.
--- Lims Unlimited
On workers; it tries to impress us
That serving two masters
Creates big disasters.
'Tis worse serving three mistresses.
--- Archie
Who promised two ladies named Moffat,
Untold wealth would be theirs
If they purchased his shares;
Before long they were sharing the prophet.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0174
'Twas a twelfth century hoaxer's scorched Crayon.
One tested hypothesis
Of what kind of cloth this is
Proved it might just as well have been Rayon.
--- Paul Niquette
And often he cracks a great sad.
But we shouldn't wonder,
It's caused by the blunder
Of the rest of the apostles so bad.
--- Anon
Serving God is what life is about.
Sin may feel good;
God made sure it would,
But within marriage, and not without.
--- Jon Downie
Born with evil, I sin while I search;
Now I've reached holy ground,
Since on TV I found
The Original Sin Lover's Church!
--- Mark Levy P9609a
Said a bright student, "I've hit it.
Since I cannot do right,
I will go out tonight,
And find the best sin and commit it."
--- Archbish W Temple Lib Lim
Went to heaven with feelings of mirth.
When he asked for the Lord,
Said St. Peter, so bored,
"He is busy with smiting on Earth."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2844
So many new converts were made;
And when young people met
I'm willing to bet
A significant number got laid.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0508
Adored having men wave their cocks at her.
She was cleansed of this stain
By a priest from Dunbaine
Who quoted St Paul and John Knox at her.
--- Herbert Kretzmer
"It is better to screw than to burn, oh."
St Peter took note
Of this flagrant misquote,
And consigned her to Dante's Inferno.
--- Isaac Asimov
Preached, "Be resolute. Supress your wonts.
Remain steadfastly pure
And salvation is sure.
Even Hindoos proscribe their Hindon'ts."
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0302
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