Man conjured many reasons -- a flood --
For Creation, but each was a dud.
God's masterful plan
For creating a man:
To supply his mosquito with blood.
--- Al Chaplin P9611a

Now here was St. Paul's peroration:
"Love Jesus; avoid fornication.
Far better is buggery,
Or sucking a dug, or re-
Vival of joint masturbation."
--- G1141

When three wise men came from afar,
They followed a heavenly star.
They traveled by camel,
An unruly mammal;
It might have been quicker by car.
--- Richard Long

Mexicans show a substantial lack
Of ambition, resulting in slack.
They have in their head
That Jesus had said,
"Don't do anything till I get back."
--- Tom Patton P9604

Religious beliefs. Question 1.
When facing an enemy's gun,
Your pref'rence please tell:
a) be shot to hell,
Or b) blown unto kingdom come.
--- Anon

Jason's mother, devout Susan Nair,
Said, "Since there will be no time to spare,
Make sure you are bathed,
And go shampooed and shaved,
To the Rapture in clean underwear."
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0401

A crusading prelate named Weeks
Is thrown into protracted piques,
By the Bible's advice
That he strive to be nice
Through the cowardly turning of cheeks.
--- Norm Storer

Unitarians abandoned the Trinity
To worship a solo divinity;
From three down to one,
They've dropped down to none;
And the hades of pure saccharinity.
--- Dr Limerick

These rhymes were designed by a priest,
To affect your religion like yeast;
If they help it to grow,
Like the yeast in the dough,
There'll be one better Christian, at least.

(I wouldn't bet on it. - McW)
--- G. L. P

A prominent Quaker in Haiti
Got overly pious at eighty,
And his little wife, Nell,
Said, "One day I'll tell
Which end of you is the more weighty."
--- Limber Limericks

In a pub a young man of Dundee
Vilified an old Quaker with glee.
Unperturbed, the old Quaker
Made his peace with his Maker
And he calmly responded, "Fuck thee!"
--- Albin Chaplin

There once was a very small Quaker
Who, though short, was a true Sabbath breaker.
Sundays, he'd screw a dame
And then shout, as he came:
"It is True! I am God's little acher!"
--- G2466

There was a young fellow of Acre,
Who took off his hat to a Quaker.
When the worthy man said,
"You are very well bred",
He replied, "Well, you see I'm a baker."
--- Langford Reed

A destitute lady named Laker
Was accosted and screwed by a Quaker.
When she begged him for bread,
He smiled sadly and said,
"If it's bread that thee wants, fuck a baker."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 P8910

The Quaker girl said, "Thou art free
To choose between Anna and me."
The Quaker boy said,
Who violence did dread,
"My piece can come only in thee."
--- Tucker D Ott P8911

There was a young fellow named Baker
Who had an affair with a Quaker.
The things she partook
Were not in the Good Book,
But he never was able to shake her.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1309

A Quaker bartender named Lee,
Avoided all raucous melee,
But got up his ire,
At religious inquire,
And quietly murmured, "Fuck thee!"
--- G1130

A hot-blooded traveler named Baker,
Once tried to seduce a young Quaker.
And when he had done it,
She straightened her bonnet,
And said, "I give thanks to my maker."
--- Anon G1086

A maiden I knew down in Baker
Was probably not a good Quaker;
She said unto me,
"Oh, shame on thee!"
When I was forgetting to wake her.
--- Lims Unlimited

There once was a very fat Quaker
Who covered a tenth of an acre;
Too heavy to budge,
She sat eating fudge,
And only an earthquake could shake her.
--- Limber Limericks

A William, who was a good Quaker,
Had a son who played as a Laker.
William said: "Why doesn't thee
Get some tickets for me?
And I'll see that thee gets to thy Maker."
--- TARqc

People who claim they're religious,
Often become most litigious.
It's all black or white
And so they indict
Anything strange or prodigious.
--- Timothy Torkildson

Folks who "again" have been born,
Seem to view all the others with scorn.
They would turn back the clocks,
Put all liberals in stocks,
And burn witches on the capitol lawn.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0506

With Cheney and Bush as their tools,
They paint the pro-choice folks as ghouls.
Those crazed bible-thumpers
With signs on pick-up bumpers,
Would have us all live by their rules.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0506

In this, our land of milk and honey,
Separate church and state is funny.
They won't give us the nod
To make a pledge "under God;"
These remarks are right on the money!
--- Tom Patton P0305

As a Christian you give me a pain;
You've grown far too fat and too vain.
We know you're with sin
But we might let you in,
If you will dispense with your brain.
--- Baxter Sperry P0111

Some men will not turn down their thumbs
On any young lady that comes,
But prefer girls religious,
For their wants are prodigious
And their heads are as empty as drums.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2334a

There was a young lady from Kent,
Who gave up her husband for Lent.
The night before Easter,
When Jesus released her,
It didn't make a damn bit of difference, because in the

meantime, he'd been running around with other women.
--- Anon G0104

Episcopals okayed a gay,
To show them the deviant way.
If in need of some more,
There are RC clerics galore, (Roman Catholics)
Who'll bolt at a chance for new prey.
--- Anon P0309

A conception that should be immaculate,
Will in no way involve an ejaculate.
But where is the fun
If that way it is done?
For myself, I just don't care to tackle it.
--- Isaac Asimov

Without God, there's no wrong or no right.
Human ego's continue to fight,
Any force that would dare --
To restrict or impair
Them from killing by day and by night.
--- Paul Franklin

Her Catholic man hard as cement,
She ogled his large trouser tent.
She was much dismayed
When her honey sayed,
"But, darling, I can't 'cause it's Lent."
--- Anon

She eyed her new hubby so strong;
How could the damn fool lend his dong?
What had he been thinking --
Or had he been drinking?
"You lent it to whom? For how long?"
--- Anon

This is file yhl

A religious fanatic named Mel
Spoke of heaven and angels as well.
When he died one fine day,
He missed heaven, they say,
And he also missed going to hell.
--- Al Chaplin P0304

Some devout folk, unwavering, steady,
Are convinced one can't go if unready.
In such dogma are whirls
Spinning backward in swirls,
Mary Baker was just one such Eddy.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0900A

Observed a real sexpot named Mavis,
"God always needs babies to save us,
So I feel no compunction
Against screwing -- a function
That lets us flaunt skills that he gave us."
--- Armand E Singer 889

The people the churches love best
Breed children like rabbits, with zest.
They serve every passion
In orthodox fashion;
The state gets the bill to digest.
--- Patrick Braybrook

There was a young lady named Grunday
Who fucked every day except Sunday,
When she rested her box
By sucking on cocks,
For the Lord's Day must not be a fun day.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0822

It is known than in Salem of yore,
You were quite S.O.L. if you swore.
You could die for a zit,
For King James was a hit,
And possession nine tenths of the lore.
--- Graham Lester

My girlfriend's a sweet, devout nurse
Who never will shout, swear or curse;
Her house burned to the ground
And her kittens all drowned,
But she says, "Praise the Lord it's not worse!"
--- Mark Levy P0110

Faith-based welfare must feel like boulders
On the Salvation Army's strong shoulders.
And just to be sure
That they're morally pure,
They want no queers with the Christian Soldiers.
--- Dr Limerick

The shroud of Turin, is to me, a
Patent fake like Chinese Sangria.
In Italy it
Would simply not fit
The wardrobe of the Pope. Momma Mia!
--- James Randi

It's easy religion to besmirch,
But 'tis not the fault of the church.
But blame ye the pastors
Who sit on their asters;
Whose hypocracy leaves Christ in the lurch,
--- Chris Anton

In Ireland, churchmen have no guts.
Their numbers need serious cuts.
A big churchyard sale
Really could not fail.
They could sell all the religious nuts!
--- Tony Burrell

Well, is God alive any more?
Not in Northern Ireland for sure.
The Devil is rife
In everyday life,
And the churches have not got the cure.
--- Tony Burrell

If your religion said: Be meek and mild.
Then you spat on your neighbor's child.
Would you shout out loud:
"Ah Jesus, I'm proud!"
No wonder religion's reviled.
--- Tony Burrell

In Ulster kids can't get to school,
If they're Prots where the Caatholics rule.
If you spit on infants,
Nobody recants;
God makes them grow up to be fools.
--- Tony Burrell

"We three Kings of Orient are..."
A benign opening...OK so far.
But then they decided
The world be divided,
And began the 2000 year war!
--- John K Roberts P9212

Want money a believer proof?
Where comest thou off so aloof?
The tithe of each member's,
Or so I remember,
To pay for the pastor and roof!
--- Archie

The shaman's a lazy old guy
Who needed a new trade to ply.
He created a God,
The crafty old sod,
And still he continues to lie!
--- Archie

A pastor, a priest, or witch doc,
They all fleece their own private flock.
But greed causes wars
And flocks become taws
To die for some old poppycock.
--- Archie

With evangelicals I reside,
And my gambling they will not abide.
Ah, but then recently
I won the lottery,
And my tithe called the fold to my side.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0302

A certain young preacher named Love
Had doubts `bout some things up above.
I believe in the cross,
That God is my boss,
The Son and His Dad, but no Dove."
--- Armand Singer

Belief's been a curse on our Earth,
A vindictive assassin of worth.
Now billions have died
Thanks to dim-witted pride
Over this or that mythical birth.
--- David A Brooks

Spaniards came to the New World,
But before they had banners unfurled,
The Holy Inquisitors
Began seeing visitors
And the rack handles twirled and twirled.
--- Robert Moore

Salvation depends on your giving,
And living each day by forgiving;
By doing good deeds
And respecting all creeds,
And taking the time out for living.
--- Liam na Baeg

But the Bible says faith is the key
That unlocks heaven's portals for me.
Not works, lest you boast;
Don't need Dad, Son, Ghost.
So I hope, so salvation I'll see.
--- Liam na Baeg

November the second's the day
Certain Christians will gather and pray
For the faithful departed
Whose souls have all started
To wend on their heavenly way.
--- David Morin

November the second's the day
When the faithful all gather and pray
For those who've departed
And...hang on, who farted?
Some blasphemous soul here will pay!
--- David Morin

There once was a Christian from Rome,
Who decided to preach far from home.
He though that at least
He could counter the beast,
By boring folks down to the bone.
--- Frank Wustner

And so he went out on his quest,
Sure that he would be the best.
He kept preaching the word,
Making sure people heard,
To which they said, "Surely, you just!"
--- Frank Wustner

"Your stories are dumb as can be,
To anyone older than three!
This ridiculous tripe
That you're trying to hype,
Is nothing but nonsense to me!"
--- Frank Wustner

He drew himself up and declared,
"Your reasoning skills are impaired!
If you'd open your eyes,
And just look to the skies,
You'd believe as I do, if you dared."
--- Frank Wustner

His audience just laughed and jeered.
"Illogical twit!" they all sneered.
"You're only a goof!
For the burden of proof
Is yours!" and they giggled and leered.
--- Frank Wustner

The Christian was stricken with grief.
"They all only smear my belief!
Can they truly not see
Something so clear to me?
They treat me like some kind of thief!"
--- Frank Wustner

Chastised, he went crawling home
To his overstuffed church back in Rome.
To expel his new doubt,
He never came out
And only prayed under the dome.
--- Frank Wustner

And so, saved for real, was the land,
Once it was freed from his brand.
Then centuries on,
The church was not gone,
As it killed all the heathens at hand.
--- Frank Wustner