Oh posh, now I'm put in a piddle,
'Cause the more that I twiddle and diddle,
It seems now the name
That's meant in this game,
Has got to be Andi N. Thisriddle.
--- Anon

In a gay school the proctor was keen,
And well versed in affairs epicene.
He won many laurels,
For giving stiff orals,
And his peers liked to call him "Dear Queen."
--- Bob Giandomenico P0209

Mort the sailor does exhort his
Brother Bill; Tells him where "port" is.
Bill can't handle sails;
With each try, he fails.
He sure ain't the rigger Mort is.
--- Anon

Fussy gourmet, Sir Fauntleroy Fry,
Had ignored the soup spilled on his tie,
But observed with a frown
When it kept running down,
My dear boy, there's a soup in my fly!
--- David A Brooks Q

Half bald and all grouch is old Popp;
His crabbiness just will not stop;
The human race galls him
So everyone calls him,
The surly with fringe on the top.
--- Armand Singer

In gay navies, from admiral to boot,
Each adores loving lips on his root.
And far better a job,
If applied by a gob,
For no fit beats a sailor made toot.
--- Bob Giandomenico P0303

In trouble this hunter named Tom;
The witch doctors think he's abnorm.
"I'm here," Tom would cry.
"I'm here." Tom would sigh
Each time Tom would hear a tomtom.
--- Irving Superior

While diving, a sailor named Bright
Struck his head on the barque late at night.
To the rope he did turn
And the bight caused a burn,
But the barque was much worse than the bight.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Wally, a maven from Malta,
Entered a bridge competition in Yalta.
At the end of the rubber,
He started to blubber;
A case of bridge over -- troubled Walter.
--- FCA T9712

A wood-fetish busboy named Gable,
Is rapid, thorough, and able;
But when everything's cleared,
He gives way to the weird,
As he lovingly busses each table.
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner

Mr Cott says that he has the proof
That his hat is, for sure, waterproof.
On the roof for a week,
The hat didn't leak,
This hat on a Cott tin roof.
--- Al Willis P9611

Old Chris P. Wool loved to eat beets,
With mayo and okra and meats.
He'd do this in bed
While nodding his head.
He's famous as old Crispy Sheetz.
--- H Welchel

In his grass hut, the chief lived alone.
His throne, stowed up high, down was blown.
He was hit on the head,
And it left him quite dead.
In grass houses, do not stow a throne.
--- Al Chaplin P9410

I spoke to the door as I charmed
It, caressed it and stroked it and calmed
It. "My God, he's gone mad!"
You may think, but 'twas sad,
For the note said: "This Door is Alarmed."
--- Peter Wilkins

An unlucky gardener named Hines,
While working amidst his grapevines,
A mis-step did take,
Then tripped on his rake,
And suddenly fell on hard tines.
--- Observer

There was a woodchopper named Max,
Whose output appeared somewhat lax.
As there was a reduction
In his daily production,
It was best that they gave him the ax.
--- Albin Chaplin

Said a shoemaker up in St. Paul,
To his eager, vivacious young doll,
"Until Fridays are past
I must stick to my last,
But on weekdays I'll give you my awl."
--- Keith MacMillan A067A

Kentuckian Jonathan Vernal
Exulted in his life diurnal.
Saying, "Do you know what?
I don't feel like a nut,
Though sometimes I feel like a kernel."
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0101

A sensitive woman from Licking
Was awakened by sort of a clicking;
She pulled off the spread
And the sheets from her bed,
And found that the mattress was ticking.
--- Lims Unlimited

Young Vince, a strange boy in Japan,
Was obsessed with autos, what a fan.
He would only play games
Which used vehicle names;
Growing up he was called Vinnie Man.
--- Tom Patton P9902

A driving date was my path to bliss;
But her mean old dad was against this.
"You smooch my lil' girl,
It's the end of your world!"
Now my kinfolk mourn over my car kiss.
--- Anon

In a palace of glass stood Queen Joan's
Royal seat, all adorned with fine stones.
Till a hurricane's zeal
Did a moral reveal:
In glass houses you shouldn't stow thrones!
--- Prof M-G

When the temp reached a hundred and two,
My wife's yearning for snow cones grew.
"Why'd you buy only one?",
My wife asked. I said "Hon,
'Cause I only have ice for you."
--- Kirk Miller

The wife of a miner named Paul
Would knit only picks on her shawl.
She would knit with fine care
And was known everywhere
As the greatest pick-knitter of all.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2736

A charming old lady named Gretel,
Instead of a hat, wore a kettle.
When they called her misguided,
She said, "I've decided
To show all the neighbors my mettle."
--- Edward Leer

Spooky the Scarecrow won't yield;
Scavengers flee, fear is sealed.
Looms like a rogue,
Rough as a toad;
Spooky stands out in his field!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

An inventor of robots, name of Cox
Found his firm with an empty cash box.
His electric lawyer
Just couldn't be coyer,
But had trouble with it's sues and shocks.
--- Tom Patton P0110

Young Prue caught her glove on her ring;
It ripped and it tore at that thing.
So young David Splenny
Fixed it for a penny;
Now Prue's glove's a Splenny mended thing.
--- Archie

Old Bill's girls once got stuck deep
In a bog, in a truck; now they keep
Themselves well away
From that four-wheel drive's bay...
You guessed it, Will's daughters shun Jeep.
--- Tiddy Ogg

To his analyst went Mr. Lentz
And said, "My dreams don't make much sense.
First I dream I'm a teepee,
Then a wigwam, it's creepy."
The Doc said, "You're simply two tents."
--- Bob Giandomenico P8811

Though tied to a railroad track firm,
Penelope managed to squirm
Her way free from that fate,
But her Ma, sending bait
Said, "A Penny that's saved gets the worm."
--- Travis Brasell

According to my cousin Vinny,
The vultures are hoping for any
Penelope rescue,
Since they don't eat fescue;
The early bird gets the saved Penny.
--- Travis Brasell

A most strange event once occurred,
Of slow-worm in a thrush nest, I heard.
That lizard sans legs
Got coiled 'round some eggs,
And the curly worm hatches the bird.
--- Tiddy Ogg

This is file xul

It was just last week that I learned
That Penny died and she was burned.
Hope they saved the ashes;
My pal no one trashes!
'Cause Penny saved is Penny urned.
--- Marlene Lewis

There are thousands of cops in this nation,
And they do preserve civilization.
Now the census is done;
The clerks found every one;
The total is called copulation.
--- Al Willis

Al, you've been punning again, haven't you?
Well, similies could start a bandwagon anew.
The sillier ones
Make you groan just like puns;
And can drive you 'As Madison Avenue'.
--- PeterW

A gentlemen's tailor and hatter
Sold clothing which made me look fatter.
I told him I'd sue
Which I've started to do,
'Cause I judge it 'As eerie as matter'.
--- PeterW

A girl (whose name will be seen)
Was propped up against an evergreen.
When I asked her why
She let out a cry,
"Just like my named says, I lean."
--- Gearhart

"I'm only slightly deformed;
With lopsided tits I'm adorned.
I need breast implants
To correct my stance,
But insurance won't pay, I've been warned.
--- Gearhart

I take pity on Eileen;
A similar problem I've been,
Fighting for years
And taking the jeers
That come my way when I'm seen.
--- Gearhart

My dick and my balls weigh a ton
And make it hard to walk or run.
So I crawl around
On my knees on the ground;
My name I have changed; it was shunned.
--- Gearhart

I changed it 'cause it drew attention
To my affliction 'forementioned.
Neil Down was that name,
The source of my pain.
Now I call myself Richard Injection.
--- Gearhart

A Scotsman sent a telegram
To his papa and his grandmam.
Words were expensive;
This made him pensive,
So he'd shorten his 'gram, by damn.
--- Larry Falk

"Anacin the hospital fine.
Adamant bitter assinine
Places," he wrote,
Saving words; please note,
Seven in all, but most in one line.
--- Larry Falk

A retired man of military might,
He gave his wife such a fright.
He'd open the blinds
Which she'd asked him to mind,
Thus exposing the bedspread to light.
--- Anon

The wife stomped and yelled all day
To repair the damage he must pay.
He apologized with a sigh
Saying, "Old soldiers never dye"
We just fade duvets!"
--- Anon

A island King with a throne collection,
Opened his hut for inspection.
He allowed in tours
Of throne conniseurs,
To show them his varied selection.
--- Gearhart

Thrones of all shapes and sizes,
All covered with jewels and prizes;
Some short, some tall,
Some big, some small,
And some armed with locking devices.
--- Gearhart

The last tour that he allowed in
Left before the tour could begin.
A throne, knocked down,
Rocked the hut to the ground,
And the King was buried within.
--- Gearhart

This last may bring on some groans,
And maybe a few fervent moans,
But the moral they say,
Is still spoken today:
In grass houses you shouldn't stow thrones
--- Gearhart

Call the study of figures statistics,
And the study of language linguistics;
But it's clear that one errs,
When one loosly avers
That the study of balling's ballistics.
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Connerz

Animal instincts, it's said,
Can mean that a person's misled.
And never a worse sign
Than huts of the ursine:
"I can offer a bear in my shed."
--- Doug Harris P0512Q

Sometimes lately I've thought it absurd:
The word 'cock' is so frequently heard.
But I now understand
For this reason: A hand
In the bush is worth two on the bird.
--- Anon

If a riddle you're seeking here, ducks,
Why do dames that are skinny like fucks
From the guys who make funny --
Yes, counterfeit money,
But a forger will pass phony bucks.
--- Hugh Clary

A cashless and sveltely Canuck,
Who found herself down on her luck,
Now prints her own
And solicits by phone:
Stop by for a great phony buck.
--- Martin Wellborn P0301

A rich guy in Kalamazoo
Paid five hundred bucks for a screw.
His morals were stellar;
He bought a propeller,
Not the base act imagined by you.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0608

There's a feature that brings us awareness,
Why an Englishman, senile, has rareness,
That's compared to an eight-
Year-old girl, I'll relate:
The gent, on the hunt, he is careless.
--- Hugh Clary

Said Nathan, "I've shone self-reliance
And stuck with strict rule book compliance,
'Till dyslexic Gwen,
Who thinks I'm a hen,
Complained I was 'clucking defiance.'"
--- Anon

If Brit slang you do not understand,
A Rosetta Stone link's now at hand;
The "commando" word's there; [??]
(Quoted source: C. Moor Hare);
Now I've gotten the "lay of the land".
--- Anon

Attended beauty school on a dare;
Concentrated on girls while he's there.
A great romantic was he;
Act of love his specialty.
His favorite subject, beauty care.
--- Tom Patton P0110

My dishwasher went on the blink;
I plugged up the leak in a wink.
Oh, how did I fix it?
My 'plugger', I stix it
In her hole right where I saw the pink.
--- Anon

They were floating down stream on a raft.
She said, "What we need now is a shaft.
With my dress and a nail
We could fashion a sail."
So he gave her the shaft, fore and aft.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0402

A furniture salesgirl deplores
That customers rank her with whores.
When I saw her today,
All I found I could say,
Was "I'd like to get into your drawers!"
--- John Dohner P8807

She loved her man, though she'd mislay
Her affection. "Slow down!" she'd say.
Advice an unwelcome gift,
She left. Then he got her drift;
A hasty stroke oft goes astray!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A young Down East pilot named Sanger,
Was decked by a girl in the hangar.
She asked where in Maine
He was flying his plane,
And he said he was going to Bangor.
--- David Miller

It's time to stop straddling the fence!
Let our kinky sex-games commence!
And if I should pamper
You good, happy camper,
Would your gratitude be in tents?
--- Anon