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Our tanning salon is brand new; So come on and give it a try. There was a young lass of Pitlochry, The troglodyte maids of Matmatter, There were two young twins named Mahoney (Toni was a women's perm for the hair)
A bikini-clad maiden named Bella Said a lassie on one of her larks, Full of lust, a swim teacher, Bill Howard, A soldier on guard at Camp Shanks, We're missing a Miss from Decatur, Since Annie had married Jim Dunn, To idle one's days in long grass, A buxom young lady named Hadley There was a young man of Madras, There was an old fellow named Ned A Turns-needy lecher named Welch There was a young fellow named Furster, Their passions had reached dizzy heights, There was an old man of Tagore, There was a young fellow named Goody Young Trevor was not worth a wank; I know a lewd fellow named Vic Inarticulate Jonathan Burce An old linotype went askew, Said a hesitant youth from Siberia, There once was a man named Big Bart, I know of a lady, quite plump; She opened her blouse, as a teaser, A despondent young fellow was Jack; She started to fondle and grope; A clumsy young fellow called Natrass A supine young lady in Ewing No matter how hard he would try, I give her big ass a fine smack, I'm so fat when I'm lying in bed; A simple young lady named Schust A TV talk-show man named Herschel An Irish lass named Carol Flynn A boastful young fellow named Hartley Jack Henderson mused as he cacked, A bimbo with avoirdupois "The trouble with living in sin," There was a young fellow from Bingham, To Joe Dong said the well-spread Miss Tootle, He tried with his Ronco extender, All cuddled up -- just like two worms. A devout but ambiguous maid, Copulation causes no strain, More practice is called for old Jack; At the Firemen's Convention Miss Gump Because he thought friction erotic, Just keep on a-priming it, Franky; A hotblooded young Eskimo There was a young dumbbell in Mensa Right now I'm enjoying a piece A middle-aged codger named Bruin, A wary young lady named Kay, To the ladies, a fellow named Packenham A guy with a penile dysfunction There once was a young boy named Caesar, His withered dick Come here Big Boy - give me a shot! An obese old broker named Kip, There was a young fellow named Wayne, "Never dreamed," averred thespian Chris, There was a young lady named Linning "Now listen, young girl," said McPhett,
We've opened it solely for you.
Our beds are a hit,
'Cause two people fit
Inside and can tan as they screw.
--- Travis Brasell
Don't sit around thinking "Should I?"
Your first visit's free,
In Maude's memory.
A "fucking tan's" easy as pie!
--- Travis Brasell
Whose morals seemed truly a mockery.
When they found 'neath her bed
A lover instead
Of the usual item of crockery.
--- Anon L1514
Outdoors, only giggle and chatter;
But deep in their cave
They must misbehave --
Else how should they grow so much fatter?
--- Harold C Bibby P9712
And Tony screwed one out on Coney.
Though this may be hearsay
No one knows to this day
Which twin had been screwed by young Tony.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0255
Did consent to have sex with her fella.
But to ward off the jeers
Of less liberal peers,
Only under a big beach umbrella.
--- Armand E Singer 269A
"It's more fun indoors than in parks.
You feel more at ease,
Your ass doesn't freeze,
And strollers don't make snide remarks.
--- Grand Prix Lim 825 G0633
Was screwing a girl while she showered.
He told her, "I hope,
You're still holding the soap,
Or else it's the Lux I've deflowered."
--- G0985
Walked his post by the old water tanks.
As he walked on the grass,
He trod hard on an ass,
And he heard a lass murmur, "Thanks."
--- L0048
A wistfully winsome tomato,
Her sex life--a fright!
Never got it quite right,
And her boyfriends always mis-laid her.
--- Jim Menger P9207
Her sex-life was anything but fun.
She never climaxed
'Cause she couldn't relax
With Jim yelling, "Annie Get Your Gun".
--- Laurence Craft
Canoodling some sweet country lass,
Is great, but for ants,
That when you're sans pants,
Will bite you all over the ass.
--- Anon
Went out on a date very gladly.
She was hale and was hearty
And the life of the party,
But in bed she behaved very badly.
--- Albin Chaplin
Who was fucking a girl in the grass.
But the tropical sun
Spoiled half of his fun,
By singeing the hair off his ass.
--- L1193
Who tempted a girl to his bed.
His attempt was half-hearted
For he could not get started,
When he found that his battery was dead.
--- Albin Chaplin
Felt urges he tried hard to squelch,
But seized by a passion
He just couldn't ration;
He'd spoil the whole mood with a belch.
--- Armand Singer
Who fucked a young girl 'till he burst her.
(Supposedly the first two-line limerick)
--- L1163
With kissings and lickings and bites.
She said: "Oh my god!
Please don't spare me the rod!"
He said: "Sorry, it's caught in your tights!"
--- Anon
Who tried out his cook on the floor.
He used Bridget's twidget,
To fidget his digit,
And now she won't cook any more.
--- L1062
Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
If he found himself nude
With a girl in the mood,
The question's not would he, but could he?
--- Anon
For this he had Eunice to thank.
No sooner she'd strip,
His manhood would dip
And his balls would retract with a clank.
--- Anon
Whose wife kept their home span & spick,
Made him chocolate cookies,
Even paid off his bookies,
But couldn't hang on to his prick.
--- Armand E Singer 170
Was entranced by the shy Lola Furce.
She at talking, you see,
Was as inept as he.
They wound up going from bed to worse.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0509
With its naked machinery in view.
In this state of undress,
It made love to the press,
Saying gently, "Etaoin shrdlu."
--- Anon
"If it please you, uh, try, my dearie, uh,
This, uh, thingamabob
Is what, uh, does the job,
When it's thrust into, uh, your interior."
--- John Ciardi
When screwing, took a long time to start.
Since it took so much blood
To erect the big stud,
He'd go faint and miss the best part.
--- Laurence Craft A
She really does like to hump
One day while on top,
She fell like ker-plop,
And then he went down with a thump!
--- Anon
But she slipped as the lad tried to sieze her.
Then she got blue tits
And an ice covered clit,
When she landed head first in the freezer.
--- Anon
He suffered through life a great lack.
He knew whence he came
And felt a great shame,
So he looked for a way to go back.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2128
"My god! It's so huge! I can't cope!
It's ENORMOUS", she cried.
And he laughed and replied,
That's my leg you've got hold of, you dope."
--- Peter Wilkins
Once jumped into bed with an actress,
But missed her completely,
And drilled, rather neatly,
A ruddy great hole in her mattress.
--- Michael Horgan
Was curious what he was doing
As he rocked to and fro
On her fulcrum below,
So she asked, "Are you gumming or gooing?"
--- Hugh Oliver A076A
His loving would make his wife cry.
The skinny old geezer
Was too soft to please her,
So she urged him to "eat at the Y".
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0505
This is file xrm
Then tell her to roll on her back.
I look in her eyes
And say, "Spread your thighs!"
Then I proceed to fuck her crack!
--- Anon
Need a stick just to play with the head.
I was playing around
When my wife found
That I had fucked my own navel instead.
--- California Marty
From her mother had learned not to lust.
She married 'midst fears,
And for thirty-five years
She fucked in great shame and disgust.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2282
Is date-rated "quite controversial."
His dates think it sick,
His withdrawing his prick
To briefly insert a commercial.
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Invited her beau to begin.
He jumped her and pumped her,
And finally dumped her,
For asking, "Hey, Sean, is it in?"
--- Anon
Had fucked an old dowager smartly,
And he bragged to express
His sexual excess,
But she claimed that he fucked her just partly.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0189
"It's really a very strange fact
That my mind seems to fix on
The thought of Joan Dickson
Performing the sexual act."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Was madly in love with a boy.
As thin as a rail,
He grew deathly pale:
When they screwed he received little joy.
--- Anon
Said old Major Tom, with a grin,
"Is people in beds
Are losing their heads,
Before even getting them in."
--- SFA
Whose girl had to run off and bring 'im
A new set of tweeds,
While he hid in the weeds,
Where he'd lost his while jigging her thingum.
--- John Ciardi
Whose sex bouts so far had been futile,
"Up to now , men I've tried
Left me unsatisfied,
But if any root can, why your root'll."
--- G0472
Much sexual heat to engender.
'Twas not so fantastic,
They got melted plastic
All stuck on each other's pudenda.
--- Anon
One certain part lengthens and firms.
My heart -- it does flips.
I offer my lips --
"Ewww! Don't kiss me! You might have germs!"
--- Marlene Lewis
Liked to play with the boys. Having played,
She feared for her soul,
But believed on the whole,
She was not lost, but only mislaid.
--- John Ciardi
On my sometimes forgetful brain.
I can do that with ease,
My brain doesn't freeze,
Unless I've had too much champagne.
--- Anon
Up down up down up down whack whack.
It shall end up up,
Or a whack on the butt,
Is all that you'll get and a smack.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Asked a fireman to give her a jump.
Without thinking she chose
A young man with a hose,
When she needed a man who could pump.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0184
Young Burt found himself with a raw dick.
While pumping away
Sans lube with Miss Faye,
Her engine seized up on a rod. Ick!
I hear that your nickname is Spanky.
And now I know why,
Because though you try
To get pussy, you only get wanky.
--- Anon
Tried to screw his beloved in the snow.
But on finding it froze
He abruptly arose
Saying, "If I can't come, I must go."
--- Hugh Oliver 113b
Whose girls found his blunders intense-a.
Instead of hard swinking,
In bed he'd be thinking
Of square roots and suchlike nonsense-a.
--- G2424
Of someone I'm calling my Niece,
But sad to relate,
I haven't to date,
Secured my orgasmic release.
--- SFA
Found his love life completely a-ruin.
For he flirted with flirts
Wearing pants and no skirts,
And he never got in for no screwin'.
--- L0012
Five inches of cock took one day.
Her lover had six
But she told him no tricks,
For her mother said not all the way.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0229A
Said, "Your pussies have far too much slack in 'em.
But the ladies, chagrined,
Said, "You big bag of wind!
It's your prick! It does not have the knack in him."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0569
Said, "I'll soothe her in ways called unction."
As he slipped 'tween each thigh,
He let out a small cry,
"Dear I'll not be long at this junction."
--- Tom Patton
Who thought he was quite the woman pleaser.
He thought he could fuck,
But his love-making sucked,
So he turned out to be just a teaser.
--- Anon
Ain't worth a lick,
And he wets his balls
When nature calls,
So sex with him ain't worth the prick!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
My God, is that all that you've got?
You looked such a hunk;
I thought you had spunk;
But all that you dribble is snot!
--- Anon
Took a very fat girl on a trip.
He was talking of stock,
As he put in his cock,
At the end, she said, "Thanks for the tip."
--- Anon
Who's too dumb to come out of the rain.
He has learned, more or less,
How to lift a girl's dress,
More than that is too much for his brain.
--- Isaac Asimov
After one night of conjugal bliss,
"My performance might cause
An outburst of applause,
But I didn't expect you to hiss!"
--- Pierce Evans
Who after some wining and ginning,
Agreed to play ball
And in bed she did crawl.
But she was only good for one inning.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0243
You tell me your cunt is all wet.
Yet when I shove, you squirm,
Waste my boiling hot sperm --
You don't want to fuck, only sweat!"
--- Anon
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