One evening a matron named Potter, My woodie's so small that I must Miss Jane was extremely provoking, There once was a handsome young sheik, Young Norman, as ever resourceful Now feel sorry for poor old Dan, A space-shuttle pilot named Gentry, There was a young fellow named Hitchin, There was a young woman named Golda There was a young girl named McKinnon There was a young fellow named Howe There once was a girl named Betty, A lively young lady named Lou A passionate lady named Minter Have you heard of Professor MacKay, They're rolling around in the grass Similar significance semantical There was a young man of Tyburnia, Lord Fletcher was lovin' a lot, A horny musician named Biddle An author of very bad verse, I can't think of anything sadder For you, it's slam bam and thank you? There once was a old man, a Scot, Her lover had drunk too much beer; There was a young lady named Glubb, A pious old maid named Matilda I'm afraid one can hardly suppose "Oh, Mark, you are great, I am fainting! Last night left me feeling quite faint, My passion you killed with a rush; I'm watching the ceiling above ...Off this bed and onto the floor
This is file xqm
There was a young fellow of Wheeling Said the confident husband named Papp, My sexlife is pretty humdrum. Said the wife of the great intellectual: An Arkie took his daughter named Jill To her husband, old Mrs. Magoo A man far from home, name of Russell To ask why men never bed Dotty, She was bold, she was hot, she was willing -- There was a young lady of Glosting The wife of a fellow named Gore, I must break with my poor fiance, He complained of his girlfriend's frigidity; "I'm sorry," said Mary McBride, My ex-husband was really a bum, Though I may be blond, I'm not dumb; Mary Anne has a sweet girlish giggle, There was a young man of Orillia There was a young woman named Thed; I've been through nightmares and bed-wetting; A Jewish maiden one night, There once was a wily old Scot, There was a young man from Bay Head, There was a young athlete named Vero; I should have known better than hoe it; There was a young man from the West The self-styled great lover McGee, If I lay and contemplate sex, "Look Samuel; the ceiling is peeling." A Victorian lady named Lytton, A horny young major named Riggle To her mother said sorrowful Dagmar, A lobsterman from way Down East
Was debauched by a young squire who caught her,
In the depths of her garden.
Having done, he begged pardon,
Saying, "Oops! I meant that for your daughter!"
--- John Ciardi
Seek tightness in bung or 'tween bust.
My hands wholly full,
I push clench and pull,
'Till something resists while I thrust.
--- Anon
With her halitositical sucking.
She'd stink in her kissing,
And fart when she's pissing,
And pee in the midst of her fucking.
--- G1438
With a marvelous penile physique.
Its length and its weight,
Made it seem really great,
But he fell very short on technique.
--- Isaac Asimov
And hung like a horse, was remorseful;
He'd punctured the dollies
That gave him his jollies
By being too eagerly forceful.
--- Anon
Silly misguided Rabbitman.
Mistaken for Thumper,
He chose to hump her
With never a tit in his hand.
--- Anon
Made love to a lovely girl sentry.
She started to pout,
Because it fell out.
But the mission was saved by re-entry.
--- Anon
Who was screwing the maid in the kitchen.
When his ass got too close ter
The red-hot stove toaster,
He woke up the house with his bitchin'.
--- G2023
Whose lovers grew colda and colda.
For during love making,
She'd sing the earth-shaking
Love theme from Tristan und Isolde.
--- Isaac Asimov
Who spent so much time in her sinnin',
She did not have an hour
For a bath or a shower,
And she never had time to change linen.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0266
Who married some slatternly sow;
He was sick of the hunt
For the really good cunt,
But he'd sure like his share of it now!
--- Armand E Singer 47
Who wanted to play with my Freddie.
So we hopped into bed;
I gave her some head,
But she ended up with Eddie!
--- Anon
Rebuked the young man of Purdue;
"I've had better, methinks,
In a crypt in the Sphinx
Where the Pharaoh was quicker than you."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0246
Was screwed on a park bench in winter.
But she failed to take care
To find one in repair,
And her fanny was pierced by a splinter.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0269
Who lays all the girls in the hay?
Though he thinks it's romantic,
He drives them all frantic,
By talking a wonderful lay.
--- L1298
And she has her hand on his ass.
He can barely breathe!
He wishes she'd leave.
That will teach him to aim his pass!
--- Anon
Can be got from review not pedantical;
As a first exercise,
Please make a few tries
At getting "laid off" - think romantical.
--- Anon
Who was fucking a girl with a hernia.
When he shot in her twat
Why, she also shot
All over him! Wouldn't that burn ya?
--- L1228
And was testing his skills on a cot.
But poor Lady Fletcher
Was put on a stretcher
And carried away in a knot.
--- Carl Ludvig P0206
Indulged in a slight taradiddle;
When Mrs. O'Day
Beseeched him to play,
He left it unclear how he'd fiddle.
--- Armand E Singer 480
At screwing, was found to be worse.
When he dove for her bush,
Caught his tongue in her tush,
An act that was very perverse.
--- Stan
Than Joe, when he thought he had had her.
His great paroxysm
Which should have shot jism,
Disgracefully voided his bladder.
--- Anon
No foreplay, just jump in and screw?
That can't be much fun,
For your wife there, hon,
When making love, usually takes two.
--- Anon
Too onery to piss in a pot.
So late every night,
When his bladder got tight,
He filled up his old lady's twat.
--- G1448
He couldn't tell front from her rear.
To stop all his fumbling
And frustrated mumbling,
She said, "You just push and I'll steer."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0305
Whose man was a dud and did flub.
She said, "I declare
I'm not getting my share;
Let us meet with the Rotary Club."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2094
Said the idea of sex never thrilled her.
She was good every day,
So when she passed away,
It had to be boredom that killed her,
--- Lims For Erudite P0205
A presence as boring as Joe's.
When he's finally led
A girl into bed,
She promptly falls into a doze.
--- Isaac Asimov
You sure lost no time re-acquainting.
There were things I forbid;
You unbridled my id.
Did you know that the ceiling needs painting?"
--- Anon
But this would try even a saint.
We rolled and we rocked
And then I was shocked!
I noticed the ceiling needs paint!
--- Karen
You dampened my ardor and crushed.
You've caused me much vex;
Forget about sex.
Just go find the damned painting brush.
--- Spinner
While Charlie goes on about love.
To him it's a verb --
So I won't disturb
Him by giving him a hard shove...
--- Anon
He'd ask, "What did you do that for?
Now I have lost count!
I'll have to remount,
While recalculating my score."
--- Anon
Who jumped into bed with great feeling
To his dear wife outspread.
She looked up and said,
"I believe there's some dirt on the ceiling."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0378
"To make my wife come is a snap."
While he was above
Making passionate love,
His wife, Polly, enjoyed a short nap.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun
When I'm ready and want spouse to plumb,
He says, "Wait a minute--
I've hardly got in it--"
Then before I begin, he's come.
--- G0096
"My problem is quite frankly sexual.
When for Hubby I pant,
He just quotes Will Durant,
And remains in the sack, ineffectual."
--- G0097
To see Doc 'bout the birth control pill;
"Eleven?" Doc won-
der'd, "She's active this young?"
"Naw, just like her maw, she lies still."
--- Anon
Said, "I'm beat and too tired to screw."
Said her husband, discreet,
"While I stick in the meat
Please lay still like you usually do."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0254
Engaged a young maid for a tussle.
"I am homesick," he said,
"So lay down as if dead
And do not move a tit or a muscle."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2273
Is a question that's not very knotty.
Her form, though alluring,
And cheap at procuring,
Is, alack, in the sack, a dead body.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9707
He was winter-ice-cold, grim and chilling.
She said, "Get your device."
He said "One will suffice."
All the while she just stared at the ceiling.
--- Nik Synytskyy
Whose man was a dud and exhausting.
He fucked her so bad
That whene'er she was had,
She needed all day for defrosting.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0169
Was so simple that sex was a bore.
So he prayed on his knees
And said, "Lord help me, please,
What I need is a dirty old whore."
--- Albin Chaplin
Though he calls me at least one a day,
Whispers sweet nothings for hours,
Sends me candy and flowers;
It's too bad he's no good in the hay.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8405
She replied, "Now consider your quiddity;
I don't want to sound hammy
But your touch is so clammy;
You don't generate heat, just humidity.
--- Armand E Singer 168
"But frankly, I'm sick of this ride;
Your humping incessant
Is no longer pleasant."
"That doesn't quite rhyme," he replied.
--- Peter Wilkins
He knew not how to use his tongue;
All he did, made me itch,
With no erotic twitch,
And of orgasms, never had none!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
His hands and lips made me numb.
I said "Hit the road jack,
Without turning back!
I'll find someone who can make me come!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
But just lay there; would not even wiggle.
Though I wore out my bone,
She was cold as a stone,
And gave less response than a pig'll.
--- John Miller
Who wrote in his memorabilia,
"Her lack of response
Has me pounding my sconce --
Our loving suggests necrophilia."
--- John E Mayhood P0800
The girl was an artist in bed.
In a mirror she'd look,
Perhaps in a book;
She'd just paint self-portraits and read.
--- W Haskins
Found puberty rather upsetting.
But as long as I live,
I'll never forgive
Those women who screw without sweating.
--- Sweet F A
In the throes of mad passion's delight,
Was heard to exclaim
While Hymie Bloom came,
"That ceiling should be eggshell white."
--- Anon
Who took a young girl on his yacht.
Too lazy to rape her,
He made darts out of paper,
Which he languidly tossed at her twat.
--- L1533
Who took a young lady to bed.
He hoped she would kiss,
Climax him to bliss;
She read an old Playboy instead.
--- Anon
In sports he was known as a hero.
But his wife did so dread
To get into bed;
It was there that he scored a big zero.
--- Albin Chaplin P8306
A girl who's been fucked by a poet,
Has suffered such strains
From iambic quatrains,
She's been bored to death. I should know it.
--- Anon
Who fucked with his wife with great zest.
He discerned a slight motion
And with tone of devotion,
"Did I hurt you?" he queried, distressed.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0376
Was pumping industriously
His voluptuous Mrs.
Enduring his kisses,
Watching Leno on their TV.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun
Then his concentration it wrecks.
It is so revealing
That on this rooms' ceiling
I've counted one million six specks.
--- Anon
"Oh bugger!" said Samuel with feeling,
"I'm stuffing your muff."
"Are you really? Well tough;
Would you spray-paint that crack in the ceiling?"
--- Peter Wilkins
Treated much like a sexual kitten,
Said, "Don't worry one bit,
If they make you submit,
Grit your teeth and keep thinking of Britain."
--- Armand E Singer 14
Took out a cute nurse for a jiggle.
She said, "Christ, what a screw!
All the bastard could do
Was three little jerks and a wiggle."
--- G0172
"My social life's simply a drag, ma.
Of my men, there are two
Who don't know how to screw,
And the third one is simply a fag, ma."
--- Isaac Asimov
Thought that at the very least,
The old whore from Bangor
Should stir from her langour,
While they made the two-backed beast.
--- Jim Weaver Collection