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One evening a matron named Potter,
Was debauched by a young squire who caught her,
In the depths of her garden.
Having done, he begged pardon,
Saying, "Oops! I meant that for your daughter!"
--- John Ciardi

My woodie's so small that I must
Seek tightness in bung or 'tween bust.
My hands wholly full,
I push clench and pull,
'Till something resists while I thrust.
--- Anon

Miss Jane was extremely provoking,
With her halitositical sucking.
She'd stink in her kissing,
And fart when she's pissing,
And pee in the midst of her fucking.
--- G1438

There once was a handsome young sheik,
With a marvelous penile physique.
Its length and its weight,
Made it seem really great,
But he fell very short on technique.
--- Isaac Asimov

Young Norman, as ever resourceful
And hung like a horse, was remorseful;
He'd punctured the dollies
That gave him his jollies
By being too eagerly forceful.
--- Anon

Now feel sorry for poor old Dan,
Silly misguided Rabbitman.
Mistaken for Thumper,
He chose to hump her
With never a tit in his hand.
--- Anon

A space-shuttle pilot named Gentry,
Made love to a lovely girl sentry.
She started to pout,
Because it fell out.
But the mission was saved by re-entry.
--- Anon

There was a young fellow named Hitchin,
Who was screwing the maid in the kitchen.
When his ass got too close ter
The red-hot stove toaster,
He woke up the house with his bitchin'.
--- G2023

There was a young woman named Golda
Whose lovers grew colda and colda.
For during love making,
She'd sing the earth-shaking
Love theme from Tristan und Isolde.
--- Isaac Asimov

There was a young girl named McKinnon
Who spent so much time in her sinnin',
She did not have an hour
For a bath or a shower,
And she never had time to change linen.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0266

There was a young fellow named Howe
Who married some slatternly sow;
He was sick of the hunt
For the really good cunt,
But he'd sure like his share of it now!
--- Armand E Singer 47

There once was a girl named Betty,
Who wanted to play with my Freddie.
So we hopped into bed;
I gave her some head,
But she ended up with Eddie!
--- Anon

A lively young lady named Lou
Rebuked the young man of Purdue;
"I've had better, methinks,
In a crypt in the Sphinx
Where the Pharaoh was quicker than you."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0246

A passionate lady named Minter
Was screwed on a park bench in winter.
But she failed to take care
To find one in repair,
And her fanny was pierced by a splinter.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0269

Have you heard of Professor MacKay,
Who lays all the girls in the hay?
Though he thinks it's romantic,
He drives them all frantic,
By talking a wonderful lay.
--- L1298

They're rolling around in the grass
And she has her hand on his ass.
He can barely breathe!
He wishes she'd leave.
That will teach him to aim his pass!
--- Anon

Similar significance semantical
Can be got from review not pedantical;
As a first exercise,
Please make a few tries
At getting "laid off" - think romantical.
--- Anon

There was a young man of Tyburnia,
Who was fucking a girl with a hernia.
When he shot in her twat
Why, she also shot
All over him! Wouldn't that burn ya?
--- L1228

Lord Fletcher was lovin' a lot,
And was testing his skills on a cot.
But poor Lady Fletcher
Was put on a stretcher
And carried away in a knot.
--- Carl Ludvig P0206

A horny musician named Biddle
Indulged in a slight taradiddle;
When Mrs. O'Day
Beseeched him to play,
He left it unclear how he'd fiddle.
--- Armand E Singer 480

An author of very bad verse,
At screwing, was found to be worse.
When he dove for her bush,
Caught his tongue in her tush,
An act that was very perverse.
--- Stan

I can't think of anything sadder
Than Joe, when he thought he had had her.
His great paroxysm
Which should have shot jism,
Disgracefully voided his bladder.
--- Anon

For you, it's slam bam and thank you?
No foreplay, just jump in and screw?
That can't be much fun,
For your wife there, hon,
When making love, usually takes two.
--- Anon

There once was a old man, a Scot,
Too onery to piss in a pot.
So late every night,
When his bladder got tight,
He filled up his old lady's twat.
--- G1448

Her lover had drunk too much beer;
He couldn't tell front from her rear.
To stop all his fumbling
And frustrated mumbling,
She said, "You just push and I'll steer."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0305

There was a young lady named Glubb,
Whose man was a dud and did flub.
She said, "I declare
I'm not getting my share;
Let us meet with the Rotary Club."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2094

A pious old maid named Matilda
Said the idea of sex never thrilled her.
She was good every day,
So when she passed away,
It had to be boredom that killed her,
--- Lims For Erudite P0205

I'm afraid one can hardly suppose
A presence as boring as Joe's.
When he's finally led
A girl into bed,
She promptly falls into a doze.
--- Isaac Asimov

"Oh, Mark, you are great, I am fainting!
You sure lost no time re-acquainting.
There were things I forbid;
You unbridled my id.
Did you know that the ceiling needs painting?"
--- Anon

Last night left me feeling quite faint,
But this would try even a saint.
We rolled and we rocked
And then I was shocked!
I noticed the ceiling needs paint!
--- Karen

My passion you killed with a rush;
You dampened my ardor and crushed.
You've caused me much vex;
Forget about sex.
Just go find the damned painting brush.
--- Spinner

I'm watching the ceiling above
While Charlie goes on about love.
To him it's a verb --
So I won't disturb
Him by giving him a hard shove...
--- Anon

...Off this bed and onto the floor
He'd ask, "What did you do that for?
Now I have lost count!
I'll have to remount,
While recalculating my score."
--- Anon

This is file xqm

There was a young fellow of Wheeling
Who jumped into bed with great feeling
To his dear wife outspread.
She looked up and said,
"I believe there's some dirt on the ceiling."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0378

Said the confident husband named Papp,
"To make my wife come is a snap."
While he was above
Making passionate love,
His wife, Polly, enjoyed a short nap.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun

My sexlife is pretty humdrum.
When I'm ready and want spouse to plumb,
He says, "Wait a minute--
I've hardly got in it--"
Then before I begin, he's come.
--- G0096

Said the wife of the great intellectual:
"My problem is quite frankly sexual.
When for Hubby I pant,
He just quotes Will Durant,
And remains in the sack, ineffectual."
--- G0097

An Arkie took his daughter named Jill
To see Doc 'bout the birth control pill;
"Eleven?" Doc won-
der'd, "She's active this young?"
"Naw, just like her maw, she lies still."
--- Anon

To her husband, old Mrs. Magoo
Said, "I'm beat and too tired to screw."
Said her husband, discreet,
"While I stick in the meat
Please lay still like you usually do."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0254

A man far from home, name of Russell
Engaged a young maid for a tussle.
"I am homesick," he said,
"So lay down as if dead
And do not move a tit or a muscle."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2273

To ask why men never bed Dotty,
Is a question that's not very knotty.
Her form, though alluring,
And cheap at procuring,
Is, alack, in the sack, a dead body.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9707

She was bold, she was hot, she was willing --
He was winter-ice-cold, grim and chilling.
She said, "Get your device."
He said "One will suffice."
All the while she just stared at the ceiling.
--- Nik Synytskyy

There was a young lady of Glosting
Whose man was a dud and exhausting.
He fucked her so bad
That whene'er she was had,
She needed all day for defrosting.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0169

The wife of a fellow named Gore,
Was so simple that sex was a bore.
So he prayed on his knees
And said, "Lord help me, please,
What I need is a dirty old whore."
--- Albin Chaplin

I must break with my poor fiance,
Though he calls me at least one a day,
Whispers sweet nothings for hours,
Sends me candy and flowers;
It's too bad he's no good in the hay.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8405

He complained of his girlfriend's frigidity;
She replied, "Now consider your quiddity;
I don't want to sound hammy
But your touch is so clammy;
You don't generate heat, just humidity.
--- Armand E Singer 168

"I'm sorry," said Mary McBride,
"But frankly, I'm sick of this ride;
Your humping incessant
Is no longer pleasant."
"That doesn't quite rhyme," he replied.
--- Peter Wilkins

My ex-husband was really a bum,
He knew not how to use his tongue;
All he did, made me itch,
With no erotic twitch,
And of orgasms, never had none!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Though I may be blond, I'm not dumb;
His hands and lips made me numb.
I said "Hit the road jack,
Without turning back!
I'll find someone who can make me come!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Mary Anne has a sweet girlish giggle,
But just lay there; would not even wiggle.
Though I wore out my bone,
She was cold as a stone,
And gave less response than a pig'll.
--- John Miller

There was a young man of Orillia
Who wrote in his memorabilia,
"Her lack of response
Has me pounding my sconce --
Our loving suggests necrophilia."
--- John E Mayhood P0800

There was a young woman named Thed;
The girl was an artist in bed.
In a mirror she'd look,
Perhaps in a book;
She'd just paint self-portraits and read.
--- W Haskins

I've been through nightmares and bed-wetting;
Found puberty rather upsetting.
But as long as I live,
I'll never forgive
Those women who screw without sweating.
--- Sweet F A

A Jewish maiden one night,
In the throes of mad passion's delight,
Was heard to exclaim
While Hymie Bloom came,
"That ceiling should be eggshell white."
--- Anon

There once was a wily old Scot,
Who took a young girl on his yacht.
Too lazy to rape her,
He made darts out of paper,
Which he languidly tossed at her twat.
--- L1533

There was a young man from Bay Head,
Who took a young lady to bed.
He hoped she would kiss,
Climax him to bliss;
She read an old Playboy instead.
--- Anon

There was a young athlete named Vero;
In sports he was known as a hero.
But his wife did so dread
To get into bed;
It was there that he scored a big zero.
--- Albin Chaplin P8306

I should have known better than hoe it;
A girl who's been fucked by a poet,
Has suffered such strains
From iambic quatrains,
She's been bored to death. I should know it.
--- Anon

There was a young man from the West
Who fucked with his wife with great zest.
He discerned a slight motion
And with tone of devotion,
"Did I hurt you?" he queried, distressed.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0376

The self-styled great lover McGee,
Was pumping industriously
His voluptuous Mrs.
Enduring his kisses,
Watching Leno on their TV.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun

If I lay and contemplate sex,
Then his concentration it wrecks.
It is so revealing
That on this rooms' ceiling
I've counted one million six specks.
--- Anon

"Look Samuel; the ceiling is peeling."
"Oh bugger!" said Samuel with feeling,
"I'm stuffing your muff."
"Are you really? Well tough;
Would you spray-paint that crack in the ceiling?"
--- Peter Wilkins

A Victorian lady named Lytton,
Treated much like a sexual kitten,
Said, "Don't worry one bit,
If they make you submit,
Grit your teeth and keep thinking of Britain."
--- Armand E Singer 14

A horny young major named Riggle
Took out a cute nurse for a jiggle.
She said, "Christ, what a screw!
All the bastard could do
Was three little jerks and a wiggle."
--- G0172

To her mother said sorrowful Dagmar,
"My social life's simply a drag, ma.
Of my men, there are two
Who don't know how to screw,
And the third one is simply a fag, ma."
--- Isaac Asimov

A lobsterman from way Down East
Thought that at the very least,
The old whore from Bangor
Should stir from her langour,
While they made the two-backed beast.
--- Jim Weaver Collection


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