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There once was a Catholic named Kent; There was a young man from Northants, Galileo's trial was a sensation, In the Missouri town called Peculiar (hyperdulia - worship of the Virgin Mary)
They met at the Holy Name dance; On his honeymoon a good catholic chap Although all my sins are subliminal, Notorious predation serial And then there's the myth of the pope The Inquisitors told Galileo, You'll notice these verses all led Young Barry chose Ash Wednesday morn Gwen thought she'd give up sex for lent; Galileo wrote his will upside down; Though once they were thought raunchy papists, Was the College of Cardinals tricked At confession, the fine Father Dunn There is this wee young Irish lass, There was an old hooker from Leeds, Can you think of a deal any sweeter Mother Church's official position My religious and sexual thirst You must pray in good faith to the saints! That relic defied all detection An American girl named Christine, A lady was seized with intent When Matilda Malloy went to Mass, An old millionaire name of Trevor A sadistic young man from Tashkent A Catholic female named Trent, A young girl, naive and unwary, The things that he did were quite bestial, e
Now Joseph, her boyfriend, was thicker "A honeymoon place we must go; The old shroud that they used to bury Though often and hotly debated I've heard that Christ's mom was a virgin, The best saleswhiz in history, it's plain, There once was a virgin on board Young Raymond got butt-fucked by Harry Now, Joan was a virgin intactus And whom should this Larry call Dad? Now Brad was a Catholic priest, And Paul's in a lower state still: It's doubtful that Raymond's the lad There once was a Nazarene tart, Now, Tiddy, please don't be so shy My memory banks aren't so deep Ah, verily, yes, it was Tiddy Pregnant Mary was reading divinity, In each Bolshevik diocese Amish types live a life which is hard; Sixteenth century Baptists propound, "Yahweh told me that he was with you, A sign from the Lord himself will When Paul the Apostle lay prostrate, Said a man to the reverend, "So, There was a young angel named Rayloe, When "The Rapture" occurs, quite a few There was a young maid of Cardiff, (Published 1870) (What the hell does it mean? - McW)
There was a young lady named Eve; At the last supper, they gathered 'round Jesus, A lady of faith was Miss Eve; Now weekly I go bible reading, A book without sex to enthrall, Pray tell me what kind of churchmen Our Leader, you know, is Born Again --
Had a tongue that was called "Heaven sent".
Lapping, nibbling, and licking
Kept his women's feet kicking,
Till he gave up muff-diving for Lent.
--- Anon
Who like Gregorian Chants;
But failed to perceive
When he got up to leave,
He'd forgotten to pull up his pants.
--- Steve
Heresy being the accusation.
Greater fear he'd not known
So he abjured when shown
Instruments of the interrogation.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0406
Lives a girl that her parents named Julia.
Each night and each day
She kneels down to pray,
'Cause she practices strict hyperdulia.
--- William K Alsop Jr
She explained all the cans and the can'ts.
No drinking, no smoking,
No off-color joking,
But that night he got into her pants.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0501
Said, "It's lent, dear, I thought you knew that."
He was surprised when his bride
Sat upright and cried,
"Well, when are you getting it back?"
--- John Erbs
I've done every sin in the hymnal.
If you put your mind to it,
You might as well do it;
For to think it is equally criminal.
--- Steve Holst
Will wreck your career presbyterial;
But if not notorious,
The Church ain't censorious;
Keep it hidden and it's immaterial.
--- Dr Limerick
That will hang itself given the rope.
Said old St. Malachi,
"Only two more will fly."
When they ask, "Any more?" he says, "Nope"
--- Neal Wilgus P8311
"You're advised in the name of the trio
To recant your position
Else we'll bring to ignition
Flaming faggots, combusting con brio."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P0110
To the same end. Keep this in your head:
I know it sounds corny,
But if you're that horny,
Try giving up donuts instead.
--- Rod Harden
As the day he'd quit surfing the porn.
But how could he stop
When those ad windows pop,
And he's led like a sheep to be shorn?
--- Rod Harden
Her patience, though, quickly was spent.
There's no doubt about it;
She can't go without it.
And Hubby is one grateful gent!
--- Dr Limerick
Church thought him heretical clown.
They tossed him in a cell,
Threatened him with Hell,
And ran his ass right out of town.
--- Chris Papa
Forgiven by pious escapists,
Today we're disgusted
By the clergy we trusted,
Aware they were crass paunchy rapists.
--- Anon
Or were their middle fingers stiff flicked
At all those who bemoan
Altar boys' need to groan,
Since they're still sure to be Benedicked?
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0507
Said, "The penance I give you, my son,
Is twenty Lord's Prayers
In that pew, by the stairs."
To be safe, he said twenty and one.
--- Cap'n Bean P0507
Who comes from Republican class;
In the streets of free Derry,
We drink and are merry;
The Protestants all, KISS MY ASS!
--- CyberCelt T9710
Who did the most deadliest deeds.
She stole Tiddy's balls,
His liver, and galls,
And wears them as Rosary Beads.
--- Ericka
Or a contract wrapped up any neater?
The Lord stocked with a flock
"Mother Church" built on rock,
By that Saint Simon some called Salt Peter.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0001
On Gay Marriage: A sinful condition.
Its own Clergy's same sex
Couplings seem less to vex,
Since that's not marriage, merely coition.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0309
Are alike in the way they are cursed.
The grand second coming
Can't set my heart thrumming,
While chances are slim for the first.
--- John Miller
Let them know your erectile complaints.
They'll send you some hot cunt,
(Unless you're Protestant)
Who are free of all STD taints.
--- Ward Hardman
It certainly showed such perfection
The great Holy Shroud
Showed him so Proud
It showed off his enormous erection!
--- Anon
Was quite pure and of virtue pristine.
She went out from her home
And flew over to Rome,
Then got laid in the Chapel Sistine.
--- Thomas G Keller P9407
To revise her existence misspent,
So she climbed up the dome
Of St Peter's in Rome,
Where she stayed through the following Lent.
--- Edward Gorey
She did not want to look lower class.
So she watched where she sat,
And she took her best hat,
Which she wore just to cover her ass.
--- Graham Lester
Was known for his Christian endeavor,
And with God had a pact
All the cash to extract,
With the thumbscrew, the rack and the lever.
--- Albin Chaplin
Gave up marital sex play for Lent.
His poor wife, how he teased her,
"By the time we reach Easter,
Such large sums on the whores I'll have spent!"
--- Ward Hardman
Refrained from the sex act for Lent.
Although she kept feigning
She like the abstaining,
She was eager to come when Lent went.
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Was met by a, man old and hairy.
He said "I'm an angel,
And though it seems strange, I'll
Make you annointed, young Mary."
--- Anon
"But Mary," he said, "'tis celestial,
A baby from God,
Will grow in your pod,
Please call it the Extra-Terrestrial."
--- Anon
Than she, so he just did not dicker,
When "Joseph," she said,
"We've got to get wed.",
Though he'd not yet got into her knickers.
--- Anon
This is file xjl
Bridlington's nice in the snow."
But they both couldn't spell,
So you know very well,
To Palestine went M and Joe.
--- Anon
Dead Jesus is simply a fairy
Tale full of untruth,
But slightly more couth
Than the Holiest Hymen of Mary!
--- Archie
This hymen thing's way overrated.
A twig dipped in jizz
And the baby is his,
And the couple had not even dated!
--- Anon
And she was knocked up at God's urgin'.
But after they fucked
And her hymen was plucked,
It was neatly replaced by a surgeon.
--- Robert Moore
Was one Mary: with lots to explain.
Got the whole world believing
Her way of conceiving
Was "immaculate," free from all stain.
--- John Miller a
The top of my auto's dashboard.
She once save my ass
In a Mexican crash,
And is known as the Mom of our Lord.
--- Anon
And felched by a non-virgin Mary,
Who passed on this wad
To Joan, who by God!
Had a son whom she chose to name Larry.
--- Anon
But this only serves to distract us
From wondering who
This lezzy should sue,
And how would the ruling impact us?
--- Anon
To complicate matters a tad,
Harry's left ball
Was donated by Paul,
And the right by a preacher named Brad.
--- Anon
So Larry should not have the least
Bit of trouble or bother
In calling him Father;
But Brad, it turns out, is deceased.
--- Anon
Elected to Capitol Hill.
Even they find surprise
At the size of his lies,
And he's queer as a three-dollar bill.
--- Anon
At twelve to be chosen as dad;
Forget about Harry,
I'm betting that Mary
'S the most manly dad to be had!
--- Anon
Who claimed she'd not felt a male part.
A fine tale she mastered,
Explaining the bastard,
And dumb millions took it to heart.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Us "regulars" know you're the guy
Who needed no urgin',
To blaspheme the Virgin
And make all her statuettes cry.
--- Q
And records of these I don't keep,
And that I'd forgotten...
It ain't all that rotten,
So take it, the cost's less than cheap.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who concocted the Nazarene ditty.
And searching the posts
For limerick ghosts,
Shows several here that are witty.
--- Tinyurl
So had to proclaim her virginity.
When she gave triplets birth,
The engendered great mirth,
But they fostered, as well, a new Trinity.
--- David A Brooks
The soldiers each diocese seize.
With soldiers around,
All God-fearers found
Their prayers in a seized dio---cease.
--- Irving Superior P9101
Psychologically some wind up marred.
From the world held athwart,
They can be told apart
Easily and without a scorecard.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0507
"The baptism of adults is unsound!
Anabaptists beware!
Your punishment's fair,
To be held under-water 'til drowned.
--- David Miller
And sent me to tell you it's true.
That you'll have a child."
Here Gabriel smiled,
"He was pretty sure, that you knew."
--- A N Wilkins P9212
Tell you a young girl -- a thrill --
Will bring forth a son,
And He's truly the One!
His name will be Immanuel!
--- Christopher Goodwins
And leisurely prodded his prostate,
With pride parabolic
His most apostolic
Appendage became an apostate.
--- L1323
Your mate, Jesus...like, how can you know?
Don't yo find it quite odd,
This assumption he's God?
All he said, with abruptness, was "No!"
--- Anon
Who hard by his arse wore his halo.
When asked its intent,
He replied, as he bent,
"It sanctifies those who would play low."
--- L1523
Will be left far behind out of view.
Sinners can't cross the gorge,
So that music by George
Will be their dirge, "Rapturedy (sic) In Blue."
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0606
Whose father one day asked if
To church she would walk,
To hear some good talk,
When the young maid replied, "Ax my spiff."
--- L1384
Her faith she did strongly believe.
She was had by all, hence,
And without recompense.
'Twas more blessed to give than receive.
--- Albin Chaplin
Judas says, as bold as he pleases,
"Christ! The bread and the wine,
They may be divine,
But they'd be better with fresh fruit and cheeses."
--- John Chastaine
She gave her ass free, I believe,
And the reason, she said,
As she climbed into bed,
"It's more blessed to give than receive."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0130
And shortly her breasts I'm a-kneading.
I lift up my heart
And her skirt, and that part
Revealed there, I find myself seeding.
--- Anon
You'd think its appeal would be small.
The hero (how odd)
Thinks himself to be God --
And proves to be right after all.
--- Laurence Perrine P8409
Will not speak out loud and condemn.
Do they not follow Jesus
Or merely deceive us
To bomb kids tomorrow? Amen.
--- Tony Burrell
A baptist since I don't know when --
And in recent days
Our peace-loving ways
Prove we're even more Christian since then.
--- John Miller
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