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A Scottish young midget named Ray A fast-acting trader named Klein I've reserved us a table for two So hurry, get dressed in that short To all who wear panties and skirt, I fear that my brain slipped the clutch, I see there's been talk of my meat; So maybe I'll open my door In 'Bama we are high and dry; At night on the cool river bank, And like Mortimer, preaching advance, Forgive me my dear, but I trust My dear you don't understand; My dear, you are so big and strong; I see you have inviting lips You are right that I want to have sex Oh, please don't tell me that it's true; So sorry you're not well my dear, To snuggle up tight to your rear I winked as I told her: "Come hither!" "It withered?" she grumbled and moaned, Love, at home we can let it hang out; Will you once again, love, be my queen? Poor Sally is not in the mood The brightest old bulb in the box My innocence, Jasper, you mock; No sir, I don't mean that at all; Oh Maudie, that's really bad form, Now he's off with Beryl the hideous, (Tiddy Ogg, denizen of Alt Jokes Limericks)
It seems Maud's creator, Alf Tennyson, The U.K. is wise, wet and rare; Now if she were my next-door neighbor, I'm sorry Travis but I have a conflict; I saddened that Kristen dates Dumbo, Since Kristen is probably deceased, Oh lying's an art we know well, The pachyderm detective last night I did seek, If I was you Kristen, I'd fire, I now shall tell you no fib; My friend, you do make me laugh, On meeting a lady (don't scoff) Dear sir, you are so very kind. You say there's no lay for today? You must now cease and desist You want a good look down my shirt, There's no need to act up so fiery; "Pray, put yourself at your ease, Will you come with me to the bower? You'll get more than that with these males; Before I get started at work, Poor Carol is just too worn out. To a lady I met who's real cute, (Swede - anything but a square head, undefined noun)
Dear Lady, I have what you need; Although I can't pass as a fruit, In passing, I pass on to thee (similar to three parts of a stove: lifter, leg, and poker)
The terrible pun that you see A young rube on the farm, although thick, In jazz trumpeter Beiderbecke's mix Sir Stan had a cozy high-rise. Looking up high whence it came, Soon, with her orb reaffixed, He wondered aloud with a sigh, When your toes fall asleep, I suppose, There's this cute woodsy lass name of Yoke, The Nimrod who'll tenderly snare, A marathon hoofer, perchance,
And an Amazon met one fine day.
He said, "Let's go to bed,
You don't need to give head.
I just ask that you give me leeway."
--- Tom Patton P0202
Found office romances just fine.
He'd tell the unwilling,
"This could prove real thrilling,
In your office, or maybe mine?"
--- Armand E Singer 421
At that bistro 'Le Grand Coq & Tu',
Where the food and the wine
Are just simply divine;
Maybe later we'll have us a screw.
--- Anon
Little skirt that you've specially bought
For occasions like these;
Leave your panties off please;
After dinner we'll romp and cavort.
--- Anon
Or a jockstrap, tuxedo and shirt,
Who have said to me, "No,
We don't want you to go,"
Thank you kindly; didn't mean to be curt.
--- Anon
But I'd rather stay here and in touch;
And I hope upon hope,
You don't mind I'm a dope,
Because damn! I like limming too much.
--- Anon
That I sit here and constantly beat
That maybe it's merely
Four inches when really
'Tain't anywhere near as petite.
--- Anon
For you ladies to check it once more.
Indescribable pleasure
Is yours beyond measure;
And that is a promise for sure.
--- Anon
You ought to come here, tell you why;
We'd lay on my deck,
As naked as heck,
And make all the neighbors just die!
--- Anon
You'd want you sit on my long shank.
To slide up and down,
Feel it throb on your mound;
You'd gasp at how deep my shank sank.
--- Anon
I note, with my downward-cast glance
That, because of the spell
You are weaving so well,
I too, couch a quivering lance.
--- Anon
That you won't recoil in disgust.
But I have this dream:
To smother whipped cream,
All over your pendulous bust.
--- SFA
I haven't that big of a hand.
I'll need a genie,
To see your small weenie,
So I will just stay with the band.
--- LV
Please correct me if I am wrong.
You want to have sex;
Just show me your flex
In that mirror, then bring it along.
--- Bonnie
And lower, you have mighty hips.
But the best lovely bird
Is found under your shirt;
I like your firm tits and pert nips.
--- Dirruk
And my muscles I gladly will flex;
But I gave up my mirror
To someone whose dearer --
Your brother, my lover, young Rex!
--- Brian
That rumor I heard about you.
You don't like woman-kind.
Could I change your mind?
And your interest in hetero renew?
--- Bonnie
Come over, lie next to me here.
Have yourself a good snort,
To ease your discomfort,
And then snuggle up to my rear.
--- Anon
Would stiffen me pleasingly, dear.
So when I stop sneezing
And sniffing and wheezing,
I hope you'll start squeezing me here.
--- Anon
But noticed she started to dither.
Then sounding irate,
Said, "On our first date?"
Which caused my libido to wither.
--- Cubmeister
"If you had coaxed, I'd have groaned,
Show me what you've got,
'Cause I'm getting hot!
How now am I going to get boned?"
--- Marlene Lewis
Lookee here, I can't bend down my spout!
Babe, your kisses inspire me;
I'm floored! You desire me;
Won't ask questions, what brought this about?
--- Anon
Let your ladies-in-waiting convene!
We have joyfully mounted,
For times we've not counted;
Still good as when we were sixteen!
--- Anon
For screwing. She'd rather eat food.
Said Bob, "I've a wiener!
There ain't nothing cleaner,
'Cause I've had a bath and I'm nude!"
--- Marlene Lewis
Bob ain't, but he is quite a fox.
He's crafty and cute;
His tale is a beaut.
He even looks good in his socks.
--- Marlene Lewis
Your phrases have caused me great shock.
Besides, where my finger
Is touching your dinger,
It seems to be just a half cock.
--- Anon
I'll give sister Beryl a call.
Her rottweiler face
Will soon shrink your base;
She's sex-starved; will give you a ball.
--- Anon
To push me off when I'm so warm.
That Beryl's a whore,
But I got to score,
Or burst -- any port in a storm.
--- Tiddy Ogg
I'll go get that fellow that Lydia's
Been trying to screw
For an hour or two,
That handsome stud Oggius Tiddius.
--- Anon
(To whom this poor scribe must give benison,)
Shocked the propriety
Of Queen Vic's society.
Of vice dens Lord Alf was a denizen.
--- Anon
Like Joy who lives way over there.
I stand on the beach,
But my wand will not reach --
Perhaps I could send it by air.
--- H King of Choad
I'd drop by and say hi and lay her.
Maybe just once
Or a couple of stunts,
Or who knows -- we might fall in favor?
--- H King of Choad
I already have a date with an elephant's dick.
Plus I won't come from Wooster
To see your dumb rooster.
What do you expect a smart girl to pick?
--- Anon
This is file xel
Who'll make of her honey-pot, gumbo;
But since you are smart,
And lying's an art,
Come check out my cock -- it's a jumbo!
--- Anon
From an elephant's dick, the least,
I can do is see why,
You told this huge lie,
And check out your 17 inch beast.
--- Anon
Whether in a haystack or motel.
So I'll check the size,
Of your manly prize,
And the whole truth I promise to tell.
--- Anon
He had indeed heard of Travis's meat.
He had pics of the lad,
At a nude beach in Chad.
Now we have no reason to meet.
--- Anon
That detective you had for hire.
'Cause honey that pic,
Could not be Trav's dick,
Last night he sang lead in Maude's choir.
--- Anon
You're welcome to visit my crib.
But sleep in a chair,
A temptress so fair
Deserves to sleep next to my rib.
--- H Welchel
But what of your poor other half?
Will she not grumble
If we should both fumble?
Will you not incur her fierce wrath?
--- Jayne
My Panama hat I will doff.
If she's not unsightly,
I'll ask her politely,
"Do you mind if I give you a boff?"
--- Peter Wilkins
Surely you jest; I don't mind
If you enter my quim,
Wearing hat with a brim,
And pumping away till you're blind.
--- Arden
A suggestion I'll make if I may:
My new sex-farm
Needs a girl with your charm,
So let's have us a roll in the hay.
--- Anon
Being such a conversationalist.
"Hello. Good day.
Want a roll in the hay?"
How could a sane girl resist?
--- Ericka
And another one stright up my skirt,
Then fingers and tongue
'Til I'm all undone.
You want to do much more than flirt.
--- Bonnie
It's just a scientific inquiry.
One must check out well
To make sure the sell-
By-date isn't near to expirey.
--- Tiddy Ogg
These questions are not meant to tease.
They not posed to vex,
The first simply..."Sex?"
I replied, "Oh yes, certainly, please!"
--- TuttaGioia
The treats that you have, I'll devour.
When I am all done,
Will you have more fun,
If I let you show your manpower?
--- Anon
'Til now they've been squirting in pails.
Please try, this won't hurt!
Just lower your skirt,
And watch how it lowers their tails.
--- Anon
I though I would try out this perq
Of access to e-mail,
To chat up my female,
To see if she would like to ferk.
--- Jon Gearhart
Can barely get up and about.
And having a ferk
Seems like way too much work;
When rested she'll give you a shout.
--- Carol
I politely asked, "Want a root?"
"Parsnip and Swede,
Are just what I need!
My obsession's with veggies and fruit."
--- David Miller
A root that's unpeeled for the deed;
Though Swede I am not,
I have nuts that are hot,
And gladly I'll give you some seed.
--- John Miller
Some say my banana's a beaut.
A real human bean
(Pees yellow, not green)
And potatoes just slightly hirsute.
--- John Miller
My preference for vegetables three.
This might get you pissed,
But here is the list:
Lettuce, turnip, and pea.
--- John Miller
My mother once passed on to me.
Now she's passed away,
I vell it's okay
To publish it, copyright free.
--- John Miller
Has the milkmaids, with lust, nearly sick.
His main source of allure,
Was distinct and secure,
As they vied for this big dairy hick.
--- Bob Giandomenico
Of gay fans, all were sweet on hot licks.
These blowers and tooters,
And ardent skin fluters,
Would just flock, by the scores, to dig Bix.
--- Bob Giandomenico P0102
On Friday a rain was surmised.
He raised the sash and
He stuck out his hand --
Ker-plop! An eye-ball from the skies.
--- H Welchel
He spied a sweet one-eyed young dame.
She said, "My dear man,
Come up if you can,
And join me for drinks and a game.
--- H Welchel
A strong margarita she mixed.
One thing let to --
Another thing grew --
And soon they had no clothes betwixt.
--- H Welchel
Have others beheld this fine thigh?
She said, "No, my dear Stan,
Not just any man,
Only those who catch my eye.
--- H Welchel
That the blood circulation, it slows.
The digits aren't dead,
So I call them, instead,
By a term that is apt: comatose.
--- Kirk Miller
Whom the millhands all wanted to poke.
As a lumberman's daughter,
Those schlemiels shouldn't orter,
But her crotch, let's admit, sure was ok.
--- Armand E Singer 12
Prized pelts whether darkish or fair,
Cannot be too aloof,
From this burden of proof:
How winsome's a hunt without care.
--- Bob Giandomenico
May forestall any type of romance,
By choosing a party,
Who's homely but hearty,
And keeping his pick in his dance.
--- Bob Giandomenico
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