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A full figured maid, to pass muster,
Was put in somewhat of a fluster.
Vacuum cleaning one day,
Got her chest in the way,
Of a painful and bruising bust duster.
--- Bob Giandomenico

With her oversize fanny, Miss Lou
Had a hard time locating a screw.
To get some lad to try it,
She was told she must diet,
So she painted it red, white and blue.
--- Albin Chaplin

Skinny girl, in this tale told way back;
As a chimney sweep had a strange knack;
She would squirm up and down,
Wearing just a light gown;
As was writ' by Erasmus B Black.
--- Anon

The nudists of Europe made news
When they met at Liege on the Meuse,
For journalists say
That there was every day
A remarkable exchange of views.
--- A N Wilkins P8312

He said he would pay off my bet.
The trick was that I'd have to get
A face just like his
But, honey, that is,
Quite frankly, a face worse than debt.
--- Anon

It's one of those big cargo jets.
The cargo door opens, and lets
A load of false teeth
Fall to Boston, beneath...
They now call the state Mass-o'-chew-sets.
--- Anon

That fan wouldn't move; it stayed straight.
It must have been made in Kuwait.
Please take the fan back,
As the things out of whack;
Alls the fans that I know, ovulate.
--- Al Willis

A humble knight's page passed the test
"How'd he do it?" wondered the rest.
The fingers ignored him;
"But, why?" they implored him.
The fingers like pages the best!
--- Anon

Poor wizened and withered Ms. Schmidt,
Had a mangy, striped cat she'd permit
Out at midnight to stray,
To her neighbor's dismay,
As they'd look at her old tabby flit.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9811

The latest word out on the street
Is that our seamen all over eat.
The admirals state,
"It's like hauling freight;
Our navy's known for its "fat fleet."
--- Tom Patton

On that warm summer day at Lake Placid,
I recall when my penis went flaccid.
An ant bit it, you see,
And exuded on me
Either Formic or was it Antacid.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9703

A stubborn old butcher named Burke,
Who became quite annoyed at a clerk
And her constant reminders:
"Don't sit on meat grinders,"
Got a little behind in his work.
--- Cyber Geezer

'Twas his mistress whom mean-spirited Smart
Kept insulting almost from the start.
He would sneer, "You're a twat,
Which about comes to what
We call naming the hole for the tart."
--- Armand E Singer 166

A girl with her soul full of hope
Prepared with her beau to elope.
She climbed in the tub
To get a good scrub,
But came out with her hole full of soap.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2113

A waiter at a restaurant in Des Moines
Was serving trimmings of pork from the loin.
"Do you want stuffing?", he growled,
To a woman, who fouled
Up his sex life by a kick to the groin.
--- H Myers T9801

She's an author, this lovely young Brit;
Her editor though somewhat a twit,
Makes her just effervesce,
With his great need to press,
His clips to her fine English lit.
--- Bob Giandomenico P0206

Her friend's sloop came in slowly to anchor;
She stayed in her bunk full of rancor.
She received quite a shock
When she heard the mate, Jock,
Yell, "Haul down the main sheet and spanker."
--- Arthur Pattaffy

A farmer in Kansas named Jake,
Whose tractor broke down, used a rake.
All the wheat on my land,
I gathered by hand,
Which caused me my grain headache.
--- Guy Ben-Moshe

Your verse is one that fills with glee, man,
Reminding of the Baptist bee man,
Who described dancing
As not mere prancing
But navel bout with no lost semen.
--- Daniel Ford

The cootie will greedily flit,
To its hosts and with hubris there sit.
As its young on us suck,
Leaving us out of luck,
To be tipple for each little nit.
--- Bob Giandomenico

"Try the Better Health Club," the ad droned,
"And after you've grunted and groaned,
You're sure to be slimmer
And fitter and trimmer --
Because we leave no stern untoned!"
--- Martin Bristow SmithP0103

A playful young fellow from Dunning
Was vexing his wife with his punning;
When she flattened his head
With a shovel, he said,
"My dear, you are perfectly stunning!"
--- Lims Unlimited

I took psych in college, quite strange.
To a biz major the course seemed deranged.
I questioned the class
What I felt needed asked:
"Are Peter Fonda and Penis envy the same?"
--- Gearhart

Fonda and envy have not quite the fame;
But peter and penis could be the same.
Psych folks are obsessed;
Probably sexually repressed --
Bet they answered "What's in a name?"
--- Marlene Lewis

Vodka and orange joice is screwdriver,
Plus magnesia for Phillips screwdriver.
But if you would clean
All else from the scene,
Try vodka and prune juice, the pile driver.
--- Anon

A strange entrepreneur, Joe Bierce,
Owned a business and its pace was fierce.
He felt a great pride
As he punctured each hide.
May there always be skin left to pierce.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P2006

There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut up his wife in a box:
When she said, "Let me out,"
He exclaimed, "Without doubt
I'll get off my rocks in your box."
--- Edwardian Leer 068

Mr Gland, I can finally proclaim
I ahve given our Sal a surname.
Now we are wed
And both share a bed;
Sal Ivary-Gland is her name.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

An unshod beachcomber named Mel,
Sorely injured his foot in a swell.
Which, to a large measure,
Kept him from the treasure
He sought at each day's toe and shell.
--- Bob Birch P0800

An old sneak thief, by name of Hodges,
Made a living by snatching their watches.
His big brother Mercer,
Did the same, but vice-versa!
Dirty old buggers! Buenos Noches!
--- Jim Weaver Collection a

"Soft shoulders" it says on the road.
To my Charlie that's just a goad.
"They're advertised here,"
He says with a leer.
"I think I'll buy myself a load!"
--- Marlene Lewis

There once was a hiker named Mort
Whose hike he was forced to abort.
When his boot fell apart,
'Twas a jolt to his heart.
Now his other boot gives sole support.
--- Anon

A girl in the bathtub who'll grope
In the suds for a lost bar of soap,
Is the same in her search
As a girl in the church
On a quest with a soul full of hope.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9411

This is file xdl

A skin-doctor's journal showed charts
Of ailments, their stops and their starts.
The survey was droll --
But questioned, the poll
Exceeded the sum of its warts.
--- Chris Anton

His is an art to enamour. These
Frocks have great style and glamour. He's
Designed elegant tops,
Sold in smart women's shops,
And carried as Tanks for the Mammaries.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9703

Her marriage broke up and Tess lost Tyrone,
But later found she had less cause to moan.
Her cucumber salads
Were better than ballads.
What made them so sexy? Tess tossed her own!
--- Norm Storer P9206

Among surnames especially heinous
We've Rechtanaus and Coriolanus;
Real winners like Whidden,
Insani, and Glidden;
Well, I say down these, up Uranus.
--- Armand E Singer 687

If a sailor finds hope with his raft,
And a general wins war with the draft,
Then it makes sense to me,
As I'm sure you'll agree,
That a miner strikes gold with his shaft.
--- Anon

A fellow from Georgia named Hanes
Went to see a head-shrinker in Plains.
Though it wasn't his plan,
He shrunk the whole man,
And now he has very close veins.
--- Jim C Carpenter

Nasty Victor, the Mad Doctor toils;
His new bride zaps between Tesla coils;
He's revived her choice parts,
Dug from rotten, dead tarts;
"To the Victor", he says, "go the spoils!"
--- Anon

For the Y2K crisis of late,
New Y2KY jelly's great;
Not for the computer,
But letting a suitor,
Fit four digits into a date.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9911

There once was a Lama, a priest,
Came visiting just for a feast.
With only one "L",
It's easy to tell
This guy from the Mountainous East.
--- Irish

The llama with "L"ements two,
Is native to hilly Peru.
Though I've also seen a
Few in Argentina,
Most of them live in a zoo.
--- Irish

The question is how I aspire
To add one more "L", you inquire,
And play out this drama,
With a 3 "L" lllama.
The answer's a very big fire.
--- Irish

Punned shameless Greek bard, Alcibiades,
"All chickens must surely admire these:
They'll keep them from wetting
The coop where they're setting --
Their very own paper hen diades. (dydees - diapers)
--- Armand E Singer 167

An ornithologist named Segal
Caught a sick bird he thought was a sea gull.
His patience was tested
When he was arrested;
The charge: harboring an ill eagle.
--- Tom Patton P9608

My donkey is constantly bragging,
And her sway back is presently sagging.
She hauled twenty tons (She paid her dues)
Of government guns, (And wore out her shoes,)
And my ass, I would say, is now dragging.
--- Jim Weaver Collection A

A young haberdasher named Nance,
His selling of pants did enhance.
He sold trousers to mothers,
To uncles and brothers,
And he also put aunts in their pants.
--- Albin Chaplin

A tactical wasp named Xavier
Advised, "It is better to save your
Venomination
For world domination,
When no-one expects bad bee haviour".
--- Doug Harris P0502

My old Irish Setter named Minton,
Came home one night, coughin' 'n squintin'.
A trip to the doc's
Found two shuttlecocks
Stuck way down his throat. Bad Minton!
--- Ericka

To Alaska went worn-out old Tucker
To gain back his strength as a trucker.
He expended his wealth
To recover his health
And he came back a big husky fucker.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2345

There was a young man of Barnes Bay
Who went fishing one sunshiny day.
He caught a small mullet
Which he slipped in his wallet.
"The big ones," he said, "get away."

(read it again -- it's a pun)
--- John Blyth

Until you reach the end of your term,
(Even when you are old and infirm)
A beautiful chick
Can still raise your stick,
And the girly bird catches the worm.
--- Karri

A magician was really quite fond
Of the way that his trained dove would repond
To performing his stunts,
And he said more than once,
That his bird was a good as his wand.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9410

Some day when you're old and infirm,
Unable to give or take sperm,
In the gloom of December,
Please try to remember,
The surly bird catches the germ.
--- John Miller

Spawn of shad, as all fishermen know,
Regales gourmets wise with a glow.
So, embarking to fish,
Put to sea with a wish,
And this ditty, "Boat, Boat, Boat, Your Roe."
--- Bob Giandomenico P9803

Old Bill's dog would constantly yap,
And gave not a toss where he'd crap.
From dog bites, Bill's lame,
And hence the dog's name...
It's Camera, because of his snaps.
--- Anon

A charming young lady, Miss Palmer,
Was allergic to squid; it could harm her.
Her mother, that fink,
Fed her squid cooked in ink.
'Twas the very first ink in her charmer.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0503

Spanish matador tales are so gory;
French Casanova tales are so 'scory'.
Gotta check with my shrink,
But you know what I think?
They're all just a cock and bull story!
--- Gunjan Saraf

A filly ran well on mud yeller,
But on grass her performance was duller.
She never ran right
Because of the sight
Of a course of a different color.
--- Fred Cohen P8504

A gator-lover was nobody's jerk;
Researching reptiles was his perk.
Without an apology
He then chose zoology
And he's happily swamped in his work.
--- Guy Ben-Moshe

Our turkey runs 'round in the rain;
Dosen't like the oven, that's plain.
My wife ends this caper
With her silver paper.
He shouts, "Curses, I've been foiled again!"
--- Tony Burrell

It occurs as a matter of course,
That poets will tap the same source;
Your poetic license
Can't be put in suspense,
So don't worry and put Descartes before horse.
--- Anon

An Indian said, with a yawn,
"My doggie is out on the lawn",
But his dog gave a sniff,
Slipped and fell off a cliff.
The Indian muttered, "Dog gone!"
--- John Dohner P8810

In Peru there are nightly dramas
Involving beasts wearing pajamas.
To Ms Parton their owner,
Whos's the pajama donor,
They are known as the Dolly Llamas.
--- Thomas M Patton P9901

When Dorothy swam from the park,
She got lost out at sea, after dark;
A powerful fish
May have made her his dish,
But it's only a Dot in the shark.
--- Cap'n Bean P0604

An artist of insects named Bleigh,
Was also a hard drinking guy.
He filled people with awe
At the way he could draw,
And could render a large flagon dry.
--- Bob Giandomenico P0509


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