A full figured maid, to pass muster, With her oversize fanny, Miss Lou Skinny girl, in this tale told way back; The nudists of Europe made news He said he would pay off my bet. It's one of those big cargo jets. That fan wouldn't move; it stayed straight. A humble knight's page passed the test Poor wizened and withered Ms. Schmidt, The latest word out on the street On that warm summer day at Lake Placid, A stubborn old butcher named Burke, 'Twas his mistress whom mean-spirited Smart A girl with her soul full of hope A waiter at a restaurant in Des Moines She's an author, this lovely young Brit; Her friend's sloop came in slowly to anchor; A farmer in Kansas named Jake, Your verse is one that fills with glee, man, The cootie will greedily flit, "Try the Better Health Club," the ad droned, A playful young fellow from Dunning I took psych in college, quite strange. Fonda and envy have not quite the fame; Vodka and orange joice is screwdriver, A strange entrepreneur, Joe Bierce, There was an Old Man on some rocks, Mr Gland, I can finally proclaim An unshod beachcomber named Mel, An old sneak thief, by name of Hodges, "Soft shoulders" it says on the road. There once was a hiker named Mort A girl in the bathtub who'll grope
This is file xdl
A skin-doctor's journal showed charts His is an art to enamour. These Her marriage broke up and Tess lost Tyrone, Among surnames especially heinous If a sailor finds hope with his raft, A fellow from Georgia named Hanes Nasty Victor, the Mad Doctor toils; For the Y2K crisis of late, There once was a Lama, a priest, The llama with "L"ements two, The question is how I aspire Punned shameless Greek bard, Alcibiades, An ornithologist named Segal My donkey is constantly bragging, A young haberdasher named Nance, A tactical wasp named Xavier My old Irish Setter named Minton, To Alaska went worn-out old Tucker There was a young man of Barnes Bay (read it again -- it's a pun)
Until you reach the end of your term, A magician was really quite fond Some day when you're old and infirm, Spawn of shad, as all fishermen know, Old Bill's dog would constantly yap, A charming young lady, Miss Palmer, Spanish matador tales are so gory; A filly ran well on mud yeller, A gator-lover was nobody's jerk; Our turkey runs 'round in the rain; It occurs as a matter of course, An Indian said, with a yawn, In Peru there are nightly dramas When Dorothy swam from the park, An artist of insects named Bleigh,
Was put in somewhat of a fluster.
Vacuum cleaning one day,
Got her chest in the way,
Of a painful and bruising bust duster.
--- Bob Giandomenico
Had a hard time locating a screw.
To get some lad to try it,
She was told she must diet,
So she painted it red, white and blue.
--- Albin Chaplin
As a chimney sweep had a strange knack;
She would squirm up and down,
Wearing just a light gown;
As was writ' by Erasmus B Black.
--- Anon
When they met at Liege on the Meuse,
For journalists say
That there was every day
A remarkable exchange of views.
--- A N Wilkins P8312
The trick was that I'd have to get
A face just like his
But, honey, that is,
Quite frankly, a face worse than debt.
--- Anon
The cargo door opens, and lets
A load of false teeth
Fall to Boston, beneath...
They now call the state Mass-o'-chew-sets.
--- Anon
It must have been made in Kuwait.
Please take the fan back,
As the things out of whack;
Alls the fans that I know, ovulate.
--- Al Willis
"How'd he do it?" wondered the rest.
The fingers ignored him;
"But, why?" they implored him.
The fingers like pages the best!
--- Anon
Had a mangy, striped cat she'd permit
Out at midnight to stray,
To her neighbor's dismay,
As they'd look at her old tabby flit.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9811
Is that our seamen all over eat.
The admirals state,
"It's like hauling freight;
Our navy's known for its "fat fleet."
--- Tom Patton
I recall when my penis went flaccid.
An ant bit it, you see,
And exuded on me
Either Formic or was it Antacid.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9703
Who became quite annoyed at a clerk
And her constant reminders:
"Don't sit on meat grinders,"
Got a little behind in his work.
--- Cyber Geezer
Kept insulting almost from the start.
He would sneer, "You're a twat,
Which about comes to what
We call naming the hole for the tart."
--- Armand E Singer 166
Prepared with her beau to elope.
She climbed in the tub
To get a good scrub,
But came out with her hole full of soap.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2113
Was serving trimmings of pork from the loin.
"Do you want stuffing?", he growled,
To a woman, who fouled
Up his sex life by a kick to the groin.
--- H Myers T9801
Her editor though somewhat a twit,
Makes her just effervesce,
With his great need to press,
His clips to her fine English lit.
--- Bob Giandomenico P0206
She stayed in her bunk full of rancor.
She received quite a shock
When she heard the mate, Jock,
Yell, "Haul down the main sheet and spanker."
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Whose tractor broke down, used a rake.
All the wheat on my land,
I gathered by hand,
Which caused me my grain headache.
--- Guy Ben-Moshe
Reminding of the Baptist bee man,
Who described dancing
As not mere prancing
But navel bout with no lost semen.
--- Daniel Ford
To its hosts and with hubris there sit.
As its young on us suck,
Leaving us out of luck,
To be tipple for each little nit.
--- Bob Giandomenico
"And after you've grunted and groaned,
You're sure to be slimmer
And fitter and trimmer --
Because we leave no stern untoned!"
--- Martin Bristow SmithP0103
Was vexing his wife with his punning;
When she flattened his head
With a shovel, he said,
"My dear, you are perfectly stunning!"
--- Lims Unlimited
To a biz major the course seemed deranged.
I questioned the class
What I felt needed asked:
"Are Peter Fonda and Penis envy the same?"
--- Gearhart
But peter and penis could be the same.
Psych folks are obsessed;
Probably sexually repressed --
Bet they answered "What's in a name?"
--- Marlene Lewis
Plus magnesia for Phillips screwdriver.
But if you would clean
All else from the scene,
Try vodka and prune juice, the pile driver.
--- Anon
Owned a business and its pace was fierce.
He felt a great pride
As he punctured each hide.
May there always be skin left to pierce.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P2006
Who shut up his wife in a box:
When she said, "Let me out,"
He exclaimed, "Without doubt
I'll get off my rocks in your box."
--- Edwardian Leer 068
I ahve given our Sal a surname.
Now we are wed
And both share a bed;
Sal Ivary-Gland is her name.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Sorely injured his foot in a swell.
Which, to a large measure,
Kept him from the treasure
He sought at each day's toe and shell.
--- Bob Birch P0800
Made a living by snatching their watches.
His big brother Mercer,
Did the same, but vice-versa!
Dirty old buggers! Buenos Noches!
--- Jim Weaver Collection a
To my Charlie that's just a goad.
"They're advertised here,"
He says with a leer.
"I think I'll buy myself a load!"
--- Marlene Lewis
Whose hike he was forced to abort.
When his boot fell apart,
'Twas a jolt to his heart.
Now his other boot gives sole support.
--- Anon
In the suds for a lost bar of soap,
Is the same in her search
As a girl in the church
On a quest with a soul full of hope.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9411
Of ailments, their stops and their starts.
The survey was droll --
But questioned, the poll
Exceeded the sum of its warts.
--- Chris Anton
Frocks have great style and glamour. He's
Designed elegant tops,
Sold in smart women's shops,
And carried as Tanks for the Mammaries.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9703
But later found she had less cause to moan.
Her cucumber salads
Were better than ballads.
What made them so sexy? Tess tossed her own!
--- Norm Storer P9206
We've Rechtanaus and Coriolanus;
Real winners like Whidden,
Insani, and Glidden;
Well, I say down these, up Uranus.
--- Armand E Singer 687
And a general wins war with the draft,
Then it makes sense to me,
As I'm sure you'll agree,
That a miner strikes gold with his shaft.
--- Anon
Went to see a head-shrinker in Plains.
Though it wasn't his plan,
He shrunk the whole man,
And now he has very close veins.
--- Jim C Carpenter
His new bride zaps between Tesla coils;
He's revived her choice parts,
Dug from rotten, dead tarts;
"To the Victor", he says, "go the spoils!"
--- Anon
New Y2KY jelly's great;
Not for the computer,
But letting a suitor,
Fit four digits into a date.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9911
Came visiting just for a feast.
With only one "L",
It's easy to tell
This guy from the Mountainous East.
--- Irish
Is native to hilly Peru.
Though I've also seen a
Few in Argentina,
Most of them live in a zoo.
--- Irish
To add one more "L", you inquire,
And play out this drama,
With a 3 "L" lllama.
The answer's a very big fire.
--- Irish
"All chickens must surely admire these:
They'll keep them from wetting
The coop where they're setting --
Their very own paper hen diades. (dydees - diapers)
--- Armand E Singer 167
Caught a sick bird he thought was a sea gull.
His patience was tested
When he was arrested;
The charge: harboring an ill eagle.
--- Tom Patton P9608
And her sway back is presently sagging.
She hauled twenty tons (She paid her dues)
Of government guns, (And wore out her shoes,)
And my ass, I would say, is now dragging.
--- Jim Weaver Collection A
His selling of pants did enhance.
He sold trousers to mothers,
To uncles and brothers,
And he also put aunts in their pants.
--- Albin Chaplin
Advised, "It is better to save your
Venomination
For world domination,
When no-one expects bad bee haviour".
--- Doug Harris P0502
Came home one night, coughin' 'n squintin'.
A trip to the doc's
Found two shuttlecocks
Stuck way down his throat. Bad Minton!
--- Ericka
To gain back his strength as a trucker.
He expended his wealth
To recover his health
And he came back a big husky fucker.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2345
Who went fishing one sunshiny day.
He caught a small mullet
Which he slipped in his wallet.
"The big ones," he said, "get away."
--- John Blyth
(Even when you are old and infirm)
A beautiful chick
Can still raise your stick,
And the girly bird catches the worm.
--- Karri
Of the way that his trained dove would repond
To performing his stunts,
And he said more than once,
That his bird was a good as his wand.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9410
Unable to give or take sperm,
In the gloom of December,
Please try to remember,
The surly bird catches the germ.
--- John Miller
Regales gourmets wise with a glow.
So, embarking to fish,
Put to sea with a wish,
And this ditty, "Boat, Boat, Boat, Your Roe."
--- Bob Giandomenico P9803
And gave not a toss where he'd crap.
From dog bites, Bill's lame,
And hence the dog's name...
It's Camera, because of his snaps.
--- Anon
Was allergic to squid; it could harm her.
Her mother, that fink,
Fed her squid cooked in ink.
'Twas the very first ink in her charmer.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0503
French Casanova tales are so 'scory'.
Gotta check with my shrink,
But you know what I think?
They're all just a cock and bull story!
--- Gunjan Saraf
But on grass her performance was duller.
She never ran right
Because of the sight
Of a course of a different color.
--- Fred Cohen P8504
Researching reptiles was his perk.
Without an apology
He then chose zoology
And he's happily swamped in his work.
--- Guy Ben-Moshe
Dosen't like the oven, that's plain.
My wife ends this caper
With her silver paper.
He shouts, "Curses, I've been foiled again!"
--- Tony Burrell
That poets will tap the same source;
Your poetic license
Can't be put in suspense,
So don't worry and put Descartes before horse.
--- Anon
"My doggie is out on the lawn",
But his dog gave a sniff,
Slipped and fell off a cliff.
The Indian muttered, "Dog gone!"
--- John Dohner P8810
Involving beasts wearing pajamas.
To Ms Parton their owner,
Whos's the pajama donor,
They are known as the Dolly Llamas.
--- Thomas M Patton P9901
She got lost out at sea, after dark;
A powerful fish
May have made her his dish,
But it's only a Dot in the shark.
--- Cap'n Bean P0604
Was also a hard drinking guy.
He filled people with awe
At the way he could draw,
And could render a large flagon dry.
--- Bob Giandomenico P0509