A jungfrau by name of Von Ritter
Was bit by the old herr who smit her.
She discovered the bite
And went looking that night,
For the dog of the herr who had bit her.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0772

A German ball player had fun
In an Italian league with his son.
He played hard every day
Till a car came his way;
--- Tom Patton

Said Buford to Lizzie, "I think
He's been known to imbibe in strong drink,"
When boasting, said Lancer,
"I was a tap dancer,
Till I slipped and fell into the sink!"
--- Observer

"Bits of string aren't allowed any gin,"
Said the barman, "I can't let you in."
But the guy at the bar
Said "I'm not." "Yes you are."
"I'm a frayed knot," he said with a grin.
--- Peter Wilkins

A dancer named Doug cut a rug.
He declared, "'Gin and bitters' my drug."
His tombstone read,
"Though Doug is dead,
He lived and died by the old bitter jug."
--- Thomas M Patton P9901

She smashed a prize urn on a spree
And her boss let her know the degree
Of offense by a hiding;
Yet he was law-abiding,
He was licensed to liquor, you see.
--- Bill Backe-Hansen P9206

You claim I get drunk and I fight;
That I chase every woman in sight;
And my morals are loose,
But all that is abuse;
How can l be loose if I'm tight.
--- A K Barton P0900

In a brothel, two dykes asked, with snickers,
For an underaged girl with no knickers.
Their request was denied
When the madame replied,
"We won't serve a minor to lickers."
--- Bob Giandomenico P9703a

Last night I went full comatose
Through no fault of my own, I disclose.
I was dared to sniff coke,
Which I did for a joke,
But an ice-cube got stuck up my nose!
--- Friar T9801a

There was a young fellow of Kent;
Much time on his lawn he had spent.
He used finest of seed
And then plenty of feed,
But it all came up twisted and bent.

(bent grass)
--- Albin Chaplin

Though the job, it has never appealed,
Bird scaring, good crops for to yield.
If I was a scarecrow,
I would try, don't you know,
To be quite the best in my field.
--- Doug Harris P0509

Iris Yew-wood stay with me here;
We'd make Lavender moonlight, my dear.
Yucca Dahlia wake
And get Alder my snake,
While I Daisy Leaf fondle your rear.
--- Peter Wilkins

Oak come to me Petey, alone;
I'll Larch onto your funny bone.
(Beech-eaper for us
If Yew took the bus)
Forget it! I Pine for your cone.
--- Ericka

Guests at my house feel at ease;
When shown to their quarters they sees,
There's a tin of legumes
Over the beds in the rooms.
They shall sleep under can o' peas.
--- Guy Ben-Moshe

A puzzle obscure for the ages,
For the attornical legalized sages:
If a plaintiff most debtless
Sues a parsley farmer assetless,
Do the judges garnish his wages?
--- Res Ipsa

The stripper, I thought, was proficient;
But policemen proclaimed her deficient:
Seems the fans that she'd use
Didn't cover her cooze,
So they jailed her for fronds insufficient.
--- Anon

The building contractor, O'Shea,
Saw his flooring begin to decay.
Enraged, he did utter
"This stuff must be butter,
Cause it sure as hell isn't parquet!"
--- Loren Fitzhugh P9206

An Israeli art dealer awoke
And dined while his wife told a joke.
He inhaled what he ate
And she found out too late
She had made her Jerusalem arty choke.
--- Macsam

In chapel the sight of young May
Caused young Bob severe trouser affray.
And a sticky wet palm
At the end of the psalm,
When the minister said "Let us spray."
--- Peter Wilkins

Even worse was the retarded kid
(You wanna know just what he did?)
He put "lettuce spray"
In the cafe au lait.
The words of the Lord? God forbid!
--- Anon

The slugs have been chomping away
In the vicar's carden one day.
So that wicked old man
Brabbed an aersol can,
"Now then," he said, "lettuce spray."
--- Tiddy Ogg

With Mr. McGregor away,
Flopsy and Mopsy said, "Hey!
We'll nibble apace
But first we'll say grace.
So with bowed bunny head: "lettuce prey..."
--- Tiddy Ogg

The new diet I'm on makes me groan,
But I've lost much flesh from my bone.
The results sure are valid,
It's called honeymoon salad.
It consists of just 'lettuce alone'.
--- Puff Adder

Listening to the pounding in my chest,
He raised his tired head from my breast.
Rolling to his side,
He said with a sigh,
"Honey, I'm pooped. Lettuce rest."
--- Tiddy Ogg

"The Garden Club has a real need,
For men to perform a good deed."
The chairwoman said,
"The ladies will spread,
If men would provide all the seed."
--- Travis Brasell

Any yard work, to me, is not play.
To my wife, words of praise I do say.
"When you're out cutting grass,
You're my favorite lass,
And I lawn for you mower each day."
--- Kirk Miller

The farmer doth spade and hoe wield,
In toil so crops fruitfully yield.
Held in highest esteem,
By his peers who all deem
Him out standing, they say, in his field.
--- Bob Giandomenico P0411

Two nuts joined in matrimony,
Had a yearning one day to be free.
But the pecan nut, Hazel,
And her walnut man, Basil,
Could not settle their almondy.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Head first in the barrel she'd go,
To search out a dill that would grow
To sizes gigantic,
Enough for her antic
Of playing that damned Pickle low.
--- Ericka

As the little green tree sprout pushed through,
The evergreen laughed, "How's the view?"
The sapling replied,
"While it lasts, have your pride,
Because I am more poplar than yew."
--- Anon

In that limerick I'd barely begun
To cob-ble together a pun.
Though it may sound uncouth,
Ears a kernel of truth:
"That was corny." "Well shucks, but it's fun."
--- Kirk Miller

A philosophy major named Heap
Had a question that just wouldn't keep.
He poured pickle juice
Down the hill by the sluice,
To see if dill waters run steep.
--- Five Line Frolics P0301

If we cantaloupe I'm crestfallen;
Honey Dew you hear my heart callin'?
I'll be melon-choly
If this is in folly.
I musk know so please quit your stallin'.
--- Gearhart

This is file xbl

You shuffle the earth soft and deep,
And deal out the seeds with a sweep.
Then with water and light,
If you play the game right,
In the Summer, you'll weed 'em and reap.
--- Sally Yocom P9712

The waggish old limercist Knute,
Composing a winter tribute,
Eulogized frosted trees;
But renowned as a tease;
Referred to hoar frost as "prostitute".
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0503

Dismounted, two knights stood their ground,
To clash; one was heard to expound,
Upon hearing the hiss,
Of a cudgel's near miss,
"A grazing mace; how sweet is the sound."
--- Bob Giandomenico P0410

A clever fruit carver, Grace Hazin,
Would whittle the sides of a raisin
Into beautiful dolls
Holding pink parasols;
Onlookers said, "Grace, you're amazin'!"
--- Armand E Singer 876

There was a young fellow named Hall,
Who fell in a spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a sad thing,
Had he died in the spring,
But he didn't, he died in the fall.
--- Anon

Our band needs one more to complete
The line up -- someone to keep the beat.
Some one who, boy or girl,
Is unlike Dr Scholl,
Whose foot-pads do buck up the feet.
--- Funny Bone

A good man was Dr John Proctor,
But his wife cheated on the good doctor.
Came home early today
To catch her at play,
By plane boat and by hell, he copped her.
--- Tony Burrell

Old, irascible Dr. DeWitt,
Swore at hospital help in a snit,
And from this manic state,
He was rendered prostrate,
Sorely stricken by his "cursed aide" fit.
--- Bob Giandomenico P0010

Said a young doctor named Oscar Baer
"I've come up with a pun that is rare.
If I tell you this whopper
I know you'll blow your topper;
A physician's toupee's 'medic-hair'."
--- Michael F Ellis P8902

Wealthy realtor J. Armstrong McBung
Always claimed to one truth he had clung.
"In the wink of an eye
Youth will pass us all by;
So be sure to get lots while you're young."
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0402

Boasted one-legged racer, Chuck Morse,
"Screw angina - I'm strong as a horse,"
But he tripped and he fell,
Needed nitro as well.
The poor jerk put his heart `fore the course.
--- Armand Singer

Two honest egotists from Duluth,
Often dueled in a manner uncouth.
But in each dispute,
No one could refute
'Twas I for an I, truth for a truth!
--- Observer

The accident made the base journals,
When the jeep hit an officer, Burnells.
While munching popcorn,
He'd not heard the horn.
He's fine but the jeep killed two kernels.
--- TuttaGioia

A man in outlandish regalia
Mixed a drink with some wax and a dahlia.
Said the doc, "In an hour
You'll be sick from the flower,
But do not let the paraffin ail ye."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2764

A psychiatrist sent a nice gift
To a patient whose mind was adrift.
It was shrink wrapped, you see,
And worked beautifully.
She had presents of mind, quite a lift.
--- Kirk Miller

Good ship Saccro's strange Master was Hank;
A religious fanatic, first rank.
In a typhoon one day,
He screamed, "Kneel down and pray!"
His crew did. That's when Saccro sank.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Have you heard of the zealot Zack Ridge
Who blessed converts on Golden Gate Bridge?
Brown bags covered rashes
Caused by rolling in ashes,
And his cult bore the name, "Sack Relig".
--- Loren C Fitzhugh

A wrestler, well-built for a primate,
Said, "This beanstalk I'll climb and I'll time it."
The plant withered away,
On the vine, so they say--
It died from the most severe climb it.
--- Arthur Deex P9608

A divinity student named Meeks
Performed cunnilingus for weeks
In an after-hours joint --
But the cops made a point
To arrest him for tonguing in speaks.
--- Jim Menger P9205

There once was a handsome young actor;
While filming, he fell off a tractor.
Thought not in his script,
He went to Egypt,
To visit the Cairo-practor.
--- Steve Hicks

A bipartisan horseman brigade
Set up a border blockade.
When trouble abounded,
They trotted, dumbfounded,
Debating on whoa versus raid.
--- Keith Gilamn P0107

In the 30's, a cub sports reporter
Wrote a story that paid him a quarter.
His headline did say
If you don't like to play,
Then be an athletic supporter.
--- Anon

Way back in the nineteen-oh-twos,
Ma Bertha was drawing the queues,
With her songs about life
Bringing trouble and strife.
She was known as the Bertha the Blues.
--- Peter Wilkins

I had a young puppy called Spark
And I taught him to play for a lark.
But he chewed upper A
So I gave him away,
For his bite was much worse than his Bach.
--- Peter Wilkins

The bordello's sad ball club abhors
Its games; dull affairs of low scores.
The players are slobs,
Who lay down on their jobs,
And the team, on the whole, two hit bores.
--- Bob Giandomenico P0301

At the chariot race, quite a stir
When some saw, Roman lictors aver,
A vision of Mary,
But proconsuls more wary
Declare that it can't have Ben Hur.
--- A N Wilkins P9206

"Hey Jack! Where's that piece on Iraq?"
Said the ed. to the newspaper hack.
"Nearly finished, but Jill,
The sub-editor, still
Wants to check out my column", said Jack.
--- Anon

"Well quick - there's eight inches to fill",
Said the ed. "Yes I know", whispered Jill
'Neath the desk as she checked
Out Jack's column erect,
"I've no doubt whatsoever he will."
--- Anon

A'm scratching it for you my dear
I'll use the full length of my spear
If you kneel down
And turn on aroun'
I'll itch it in front from back here
--- Anon

Get down and get nasty with me
And such a sensation we'll be
As I cram in front
Deep in your wet cunt
My hands fondling titties [hehe]
--- Anon

You wag your tail 'round and around
My balls slam full force on your mound
You whimper and moan
Like a dog for a bone
Then enjoy this dog's bone that you've found...
--- Anon

There was a chess master named Sawyer,
Once bragged that he was a chess warrior.
The hotel boss kicked him out
With a loud backward shout,
"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
--- James Murray

When old Mr. Doremi must go,
From his will, amplie funding will flow.
On the new concert hall,
His name, thanks to all
The Doremi facility dough.
--- Dr Limerick

Anthropology's the science of folks;
Humorology examines jokes.
A Psychologists struts
Around studying nuts,
So Eggologists must study yolkes.
--- Bob Birch P0512Q