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Because of his kite's jerky flight, There was a young man named Brewer, You sound like the girl from Lahore, An astronaut fellow named Tate I scooted down from the headboard, He courted a young Anglo-Saxon; Young Simon is chewing his knuckle A man who was crude and uncouth To the young lambs that gave me no mutton, There was a Young Lady whose chin There was a young girl named Annette In old Egypt they lived with a curse, A fustrated bachelor named Gold A boarding-house keeper in Rogers A curvaceous young lady named Leeman, Mabel chirped, "Anyone for coition?" Have you heard of bow-legged Sam McGuzzen, Though married three months, Willie's hexed. Wailed corpulent, lecherous Beacham, Wailed corpulent, lecherous Beacham, Wailed corpulent, lecherous Beacham, I'm not wearing my underwear. That Charlie got intoxicated There was an old person of Tartary, It isn't a matter of should he, There was a young fellow named Grant, DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell, I took my girl down to the river; Moaned fast-aging cockster, old Eric, There's an eight-foot-two giant named Grant After one naked night in New Britain Things don't, for a fellow like Stan, Stress is now costing me hair; I met with some lassies from Skye, Takes cranes to get it up, you said? A lay in heat said, in L.A. There was a young lady named Bustard An old man from old Manitober, Young Anthony practises snooker A clumsy romancer and dancer A beauty with charm was my Jane; Decrepit old Vice-Admiral Twynn A peckerless person named Chuck There was a young lady of Havant, An elder of Perth had a yen "I can't do it, I'm through," said John Warder, "It was terrible," Sadie relates, I met a young lady from Eire, A lecherous young Lilliputian A matron who had an old lodger, Said a fading old lecher named Cardigan, An unhappy lassie named Fears He wanted to wet up his willie, When a corpulent spinster named Snow After one naked night in New Britain A certain young lady went swimmin' You were out with my niece, rabid Lily; The problem is you just can't ball! Three strapping seadogs from East Cooper; A fellow from Marblehead, Mass., The lovely young lady named Leeza There was a young woman named Connie, The suitors for Sweet Polly true But then, to Sweet Polly's chagrin, "I am a changed man, don't you see? Now, Polly was struck with unease,
They suggested "You need more tail." "Right"
The Polack said, "Though
When I tole my wife so,
She told me to go fly a kite."
--- A N Wilkins P8908
Whose girl made her home in a sewer.
Thus he, the poor soul,
Could get into her hole,
And still not be able to screw her.
--- G1531
The ultimate holiday bore.
I was eager for dips
At her lips or her hips,
But all she could do was to snore.
--- Carol
Observed, "If there's one thing I hate,
It's these babes who say 'no'
When all systems are go,
And won't let a guy fornicate."
--- Armand E Singer 712
As I was in search of reward.
But there was no scoring,
My girl she was snoring,
And I was as stiff as a board.
--- Al Willis TP9806
Her hair was so soft and so flaxen.
They were happy in bed
And might well have been wed,
Till she found that he snored like a klaxon.
--- John E Mayhood
For lack of a nipple to suckle,
'Cause Amy (whose bust
Is an object of lust)
Has found someone other to fuckle.
--- Anon
Met up with a maiden named Ruth.
But she gave him the air
When he tried to betray 'er
One night in a telephone booth.
--- W S Baring-Gold
Or even their blouses unbutton,
And to all of you virgins
Who turned down my urgin's,
I just want to say -- Thanks for nuttin'!
--- Lims For Year - 01
Resembled the point of a pin;
As sharp as a knife
And threatened your life
Whenever you tried to get in.
--- Edwardian Leer 051
Who would not have sex on a bet.
She possessed an aversion
To this type of diversion,
It was far too much blood, tears and sweat.
--- Albin Chaplin
Without doctors -- not even a nurse.
For indulging in sex
Brought a hell of a hex,
But abstaining was twenty times worse.
--- Neal Wilgus P8209
Put thoughts of romancing on hold;
He groused, "They're displeased,
Or poor, or diseased,
Or jail bait, or ugly, or old."
--- Armand E Singer 318
Preferred the young men as her lodgers;
When she made up a bed
She was safer, she said,
Than when she had geezers and codgers.
--- Lims Unlimited
Refused naval dates with much screamin'.
In was not that the army,
Was any more charmy,
But the gal was allergic to semen.
--- G2398
But I wasn't in any position
To go for her loving,
For the ten I'd been shoving
Somehow had me out of condition....
--- Grand Prix Lim 970
Married Samantha, his knock-kneed cousin.
Some people say
Love finds a way,
But for Sam and Samantha, it doesn'.
--- L0064
And it's got the whole family vexed.
The lad's future life
Will be rough on his wife,
For we find he's completely unsexed.
--- Grand Prix Lim 380
"I love plumpish girls and beseech 'em
To push out their slots
And suck in their pots,
But try as I will, I can't reach 'em."
--- 1000 Horney Lims P0308
"I love plumpish girls and beseech 'em
To rotate their pubes
And deflate their boobs
But try as I will, I can't reach 'em."
--- Arthur Deex P0308
"I love plumpish girls and beseech 'em
To extrude their pudendum
As I try to ascend 'em
But try as I will, I can't reach 'em."
--- Arthur Deex P0308
I thought to give Charlie a scare.
"You're no Sharon Stone,
Just leave me alone!"
This is a damn boring affair.
--- Anon
And did some things that were x-rated.
When sober he'd rather
Just simply not bother --
He once told me he'd been castrated!
--- Anon
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his spouse,
And she said, "Oh you louse!
Rather than screw, you chose martyry!"
--- Edwardian Leer 107
Nor whether we all wonder, "Could he?"
The fact is, the best
to be said of the test
Is, if he could as he should, Woody?
--- Anon
Who was built like a sensitive plant.
When asked, "Do you fuck?"
He replied, "No such luck!
I would if I could, but I can't."
--- Norman Douglas L0072
Built a word-circling pussy cartel,
And by planned obsolescence,
So controlled detumescence,
A poor man could not get a smell.
--- L1052
My stomach and knees all a quiver.
No doubt you have guessed
The reason I'm stressed.
Once more I have failed to deliver.
--- Aussie Owl
"I've suffered my great climacteric:
Though once the young hero,
My love-life's hit zero --
My failures are truly Homeric."
--- Armand Singer P0001
Who's in love with his four-foot-one aunt.
Though I've heard their friends say
That true love finds a way,
Grant has told me himself that it can't.
--- David A Brooks Q
With a wholly immoral sex kitten,
A fellow from Bode
Shot off his last load,
And sighed, "Back to your knittin'--I'm quittin'!"
--- G0150
Always go according to plan.
There are times when he would,
And certainly should,
But the question is whether he can.
--- Pierce Evans
I'm deprived of my usual flair.
I am rarer to quip;
In pain bite my lip.
Can't get any while in this wheelchair.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
This is file xam
And asked, "Are you up to it?" "Aye,"
They said, "If you bang us
Like Aberdeen Angus."
"I wish," I replied with a sigh.
--- Peter Wilkins
I don't think there's room in my bed.
And what if you bent 'em
When you gained momentum?
(Perhaps I should call Mr. Ed.)
--- Anon
"Olay, Lay me, Olay, Olay!"
But Olay, the Spaniard
Done doddered his daniard,
So no lays came from Olay all day.
--- Grand Prix Lim 804
Who went on a date and got flustered.
She was told that with Draper,
She could cut a fine caper,
But she found he could not cut the mustard.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0073
Met a young girl to disrobe her.
Once down to the buff,
It got rather rough;
He hadn't the tackle to probe 'er!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Each day with Belinda the hooker;
And though he can pot
Them first time in her twat,
He has never quite managed to fook 'er.
--- Anon
Is forced to hear often this answer,
"You've a right pleasant face
But are lacking in grace,
And to love you, I doubt that I can, Sir."
--- Laurence Perrine P9307
Personality, looks, and a brain!
Yet she lived free from sin
(I could not get it in.)
I'll not bother to see her again.
--- John Miller 0009 a
Took a Wren to his cabin for sin.
Though he boasted of screwing,
Three knots was he doing:
(Not long, not hard, and not in).
--- G2541
Said, "Sex is a pastime I duck.
With a gall I can neck her,
But, having no pecker,
I'm not the best choice for a fuck."
--- G1998
Who slept with an impotent savant.
Said she, "Yes, we shouldn't",
But it turned out he couldn't,
"So you can't say we have, when we haven't.
--- G0021
To rape a young lass in the glen.
She asked him to piss
Before the first kiss.
When he did he could not rise again
--- A N Wilkins P8509
While debauching down south of the border.
"This long hard boozing spree
Must have caused me to be
Temporarily fresh out of ardor."
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0102
"I was dealt a cruel blow by the fates,
There I was wishin'
For whole-hog coition,
But my date was a pirate named Bates."
--- Ed Potts P8507
I started calling her 'dearie'.
She said that she shouldn't;
I knew that she couldn't.
Events proved the truth of my theory.
--- The Glimerick Book P9001
Made advances, his feet on a cushion;
But, although fully erect,
He failed to connect,
However hard he was pushin'.
--- C Vita-Finzi
Spent the night curling up with this codger.
Though she cooed, "You're invited,"
She remained unrequited,
And it took him till dawn to dislodge 'er.
--- Lims For The John P0109
"I'm afraid that I'll never get hard again.
What's more, the girls know
I've this trouble, and so,
At the local bordello, I'm barred again."
--- Isaac Asimov
Returned home unscrewed and in tears...
She sobbed, "I thought Clay
Was okay for a lay,
But today guys are limber...or queers!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 545
But the lady was more than just chilly.
So his woody went soft,
And his derby he doffed
To find him a filly named Billy.
--- Anon
Was approached by a dwarf for a blow,
She replied, "I have pride!
Your request is denied!
I could never, sir, stoop quite that low!"
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
With a wholly immoral sex kitten,
When he came to a stop,
He said, "That's the last drop,
Back to your knittin'--I'm quittin'!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Without wearing all the right linen.
Old George got depressed
When he saw her bare breast,
'Cause his age now prevents him from sinnin'.
--- Anon
She was working around Picadilly.
You were drunk as a skunk
When you sunk on her bunk,
And she couldn't arouse your wee willie.
--- Anon
Stop swilling all that alcohol!
You got it from me?
Well, I cannot see
That that's any excuse at all.
--- Marlene Lewis
Each one drank himself into a stupor.
When came three young lassies,
All flirty and sassy,
The seapuppies just couldn't be drooper.
--- Gibbon the Troubadour
Had a liking for good country ass.
He searched hill and dale
For a good piece of tail,
But fatigue then unmanned him, alas.
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay
Stayed true to her very old geezer.
His member was dead,
So he gave her instead
A stiff piece of plastic -- From VISA.
--- Parker Waterman P0205
Intelligent, gentle, and bonny.
Were she willing to screw,
Men would yell, "Whoop-de-do,
Hallelujah, and hey-nonny-nonny!"
--- Isaac Asimov
Began with a mere count of two.
Though Tom sounded sweet,
She hankered for Pete,
and Musty could mount Daisy, too.
--- Anon
Prairie Pete morphed to a gentleman.
To her beans showed disdain,
Said gas gave him a pain,
As he chucked her 'neath her double chin.
--- Anon
No more uncouth enjoyments for me.
Those days are behind me
So please don't remind me...
I say, do you have any tea?"
--- Anon
So she tried a new tactic to please.
As she hauled out the ashes,
She fluttered her lashes,
Determined this cowboy to tease.
--- Anon
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