A soi-disant Mynheer Professor,
Met a beat-up old whore from Odessa.
She applied all her arts
To his genital parts,
But they only grew lesser and lesser.
--- L1047

An eavesdropping don at Emmanuel
Was told, "If you're wise, dear man, you'll
Abandon that habit,
Or you'll grow like a rabbit,
Or end up with ears like a spaniel."

(Emmanuel College of Cambridge)
--- Harold C Bibby

A scholar of Oxford, while tipsy,
Began to make love to a gypsy.
He undressed her, caressed her,
To the beach he had pressed her,
Then he lost faith in his ipse. (attributed knowledge)
--- Richard Shepherd

An ounce of prevention I'm told
Is worth many ounces of gold.
And the ultimate best
Is to stay in your nest
And never go out in the cold.
--- Harold E Hoelscher P8907

The students wait in trepadation
For the prof to write the next equation.
The symbols he's using
Are highly confusing;
A mix of Greek, Latin, and Asian.
--- Raisa Deber

There is a natural law of entropy:
Disorder's increasing -- it must be.
But its grownth potential
Is beyond exponential
When dealing with egos and apathy.

(regarding meeting dynamics)
--- Terrance Boult

At Mills, a professor named Leon,
Taught heresies most Manichean.
Quoth the girls, "Though it's pleasant,
Lets disdain this crude peasant;
Or, as the Mexicans say, "Peon Leon!"
--- Anon

There once was a student named Dresser,
Whose knowledge got lesser and lesser.
It at last grew so small,
He knew nothing at all;
And now he's a college professor.
--- Anon A

It seems that Miss Beale and Miss Buss
Caused a mid-nineteenth century fuss;
But I'm sure Cupid's darts
Hit their hearts (and their parts)
Though they were somewhat different from us.

(Miss Beale - Headmistress Cheltenham College 1858)
--- Peter Wilkins

A note from Miss Buss to Miss Beale,
I shall now from the archives reveal:
"Oh my sweet Dorothea,
I wish you were hear;
Have you any idea how I feel?"

(Miss Buss - Headmistress North London School 1850)
--- Peter Wilkins

"Dear Frances," began the reply
From Miss Beale to Miss Buss by-and-by.
"How I yearn for your lips
And the curve of your hips
As I dream of us nightly and sigh."
--- Peter Wilkins

"Oh sweet Dorothea, don't fret;
We shall meet down in Cheltenham yet.
Or alternatively,
Come to London for me;
I shall meet you at Paddington, pet."
--- Peter Wilkins

"Dear Francis, I love you so well,
But that Great Western Railway is hell;
And I'm sorely afraid
That I might get waylaid
By that Isamabad Kingdom Brunel."
--- Peter Wilkins

"Oh dear, that's a prospect most dire.
Dorothea? A nurse you must hire
From that Cheltenham race
Course and and gallop apace;
I can hardly contain y desire."
--- Peter Wilkins

"Nor I, Frances Mary, my sweet;
But the movement of livestock and meat
Has been stopped for today;
Foot and Mouth so they say
Which has spread up to Gloucester from Fleet."
--- Peter Wilkins

"Oh sweet Dorothea, I fear
We shall not see each other all year.
In the meantime I yearn
For you kisses and burn
With desire for your loving, my dear."
--- Peter Wilkins

"Oh Frances, dear Frances, sweet Frances;
We dare not take too many chances.
One day we shall meet
And the thought of it, sweet,
Makes my heart skip a beat as it dances."
--- Peter Wilkins

And thus did Miss Beale and Miss Buss
Cause a mid-nineteenth century fuss;
For as heads of their schools,
They had broken the rules,
Though they wern't that much different from us.
--- Peter Wilkins

Said the prof to his luscious young date,
"Let's meet in the tetra at eight."
She said, "How odd!
You mean in the quad?"
He sniffed "Must I always translate?"
--- Tutta Gioia

There was a young coed named Fretter
Who wrote the professor a letter.
"Though your hot dog is fine,
Yet for hunger like mine
The young butcher's baloney is better."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0453

There once was a teacher named Brown,
Whose students would like him to drown.
For in all of his classes,
He never wore glasses,
And addressed them all with a frown.
--- C Isaac

A professor who used to be pure
Was arrested for reading the "Lure".
Now his lectures he dreads
And he chases coeds.
What is worse, there's no hope for a cure.
--- David Finely

At a place where learning is foremost,
You'd think they'd know better than to coast.
But when I look at this place,
We seem out of the race --
There's so little about which we can boast.
--- Terrance Boult

While the Prof wrote a Latin declension,
The pupils did things one can't mention,
Like balling, and blowing
Each other and showing
A singular lack of attention.
--- G2312

A marine professor was he,
Who sanctioned the death of a tree.
When asked, "Why this mess?"
Said he could not care less,
Since it had nothing to do with the sea.
--- Anon

There was an professor named Flear
Who remarked, with a hint of a tear,
"I like old men and boys
But prefer for my toys
The bollards on St. Andrews pier."

(bollards - short posts set to exclude automobiles)
--- Jim Weaver Collection

The whole academic fraternity
Can relax in the joys of paternity,
Since he, she, or it
In sin or legit,
Can now go on leave till eternity.
--- Arthur Tattersall (Bibby)

No need any more for Sabbatical,
We have a solution more practical;
Have a kid every year
And there's nothing to fear --
Your leave comes around mathematical.
--- Arthur Tattersall (Bibby)

So sing we a hymn to virility.
Let's breed to our greatest ability.
It's not for the College
To propagate knowledge,
But only to worship fertility.
--- Arthur Tattersall (Bibby)

This College produced Marie Stopes,
Ah, what has become of her hopes?
Away with that book,
Start learning to cook --
It's surprising how soon a man copes.
--- Arthur Tattersall (Bibby)

What's all this about Eduation?
What matters is more population.
You can't beat a nappy
To keep a dad happy --
Add zest to your dull copulation!
--- Arthur Tattersall (Bibby)

So God bless our great A.U.T., (Assoc of Univ Teachers)
Which sets us from lecturing free;
As we hop into bed,
Let it ever be said,
"It's the Organization for me!"
--- Arthur Tattersall (Bibby)

The members of our great University
Display the most striking diversity:
Some wise and some foolish, (The yellow, the red,)
Some saintly, some ghoulish, (The black and inbred,)
And some of the utmost perversity.

(The native, the foreign; the wet-backs, the re-born)
--- Harold C Bibby P9601

This is file wtm

Professors earn less, at the core,
Than Porn Stars and here's the wherefore:
The crux of the matter,
Is just that the latter
Must publish an awful lot more.
--- Graham Lester

If pretensions of great erudition
Make one talk like a metaphysician,
He better be sure
To look for a cure
'Cause he's bound to meet wise competition.
--- Raymond Winkler P8311

She explained to the Dean of her parish,
"Our affair is a thing I will cherish --
And my diary, too.
So it's all up to you.
Don't you see? If I publish, you perish!"
--- John E Mayhood P0108

Dr Collins was giving a talk
Out of which all the students did walk.
As they went out the door,
He yelled, "Come back! There's more!
It's just that I've run out of chalk!"
--- Anon

Well, Grady's retiring, I heard;
Tried sneaking away with no word.
But his friend, the professer,
(notorious cross-dresser,)
Gave the secret away... what a turd!
--- Anon

Prof Grady is leaving, I hear;
He'll be gone by the end of the year.
His students said, "Great!
He won't know when we're late!"
Then they sent him the biggest Bronx Cheer!
--- Anon

Pandora, a psychic and mystic,
Told fortunes most unrealistic.
But Grady, a nerd,
Must've liked what he heard,
'Cause he's retiring, and so optimistic.
--- Cyber Geezer

Says Grady, professor of languich,
"You know, I just don't give a dang which
Baloney you use,
Or which mustard you choose,
But don't mess with my Liverwurst sangwich!"
--- Liam na Beag

When Grady was asked: "Will I pass?"
Though he hadn't been coming to class,
Told the student, "You jerk!
What's become of your work?
I'm considering flunking your a$$!"
--- Anon

A Harvard professor of note
Thought he'd sail to Spain in a boat.
He kept going 'round,
Until at length he found
He was sailing on some castle moat.
--- Warrick Elrod

On the lookout for coeds to ruin,
A Philosophy prof called McEwen
Worked at UCLA,
Where they escrowed his pay:
Got a suin' for screwin' a Bruin.
--- Krissa Guiness P8311

There once was a lecturer Bird,
And square was his favorite word.
His lectures were boring;
The students were snoring,
And so he could never be heard.
--- Oxford Limericks

Observed a professor named Joel,
"Synetoches can be quite droll;
E.g., I suggest
Somewhat unimpressed,
In women, the parts are the hole."
--- Armand E Singer 165

I recently had a flirtation
With the scholarly word "dissertation",
But I messed up, I guess.
The professor professed
I should take a long (permanent) vacation.
--- John Miller 0314 P0106

It's because you were flirting, not serious,
That the professor became so imperious.
So go back to the class
And kiss the prof's ass.
Your final grade might not be deleterious.
--- S C Saint

On April the first, a professor
Whose lessons grew lesser and lesser,
With each dummy found,
Had been fooled by the sound
During roll of a tape going "Yessir!"
--- Anon

"The faculty all love to hate
The dean," said a prexy named Bate.
"He has no supporter,
And they'd lynch him each quarter
If they just could agree on a date."
--- A N Wilkins P8311

We chitter and chatter and glower
Enclosing our minds in a bower
Of pride in ourselves
Like self-conscious elves
In our magical ivory tower.
--- Harold E Hoelscher P8907

An instructor once told off his classes:
"You're nothing but ignorant asses.
I've no more to say."
Then one cried, "Away!
We at least can go graze where some grass is!"
--- Laurence Perrine P8311

There was a young fellow named Chris
Whose lectures one could not miss.
If his brilliant wit
Made the slightest slip,
The students would go take a piss.
--- K M Briggs

"You must publish or die," said the dean,
"Don't become an untenured has-been!"
So I showed the old goat
All the stuff that I wrote
For "Hot Nudes and Wild Sex" magazine.
--- William N Nesbit P0108

Said the randy old college professor,
To the coed who asked him to pass her,
"Just give me some tail
And you will not fail."
She replied, "Mouth, cunt, or ass, sir?"
--- Joe Long

The professor then shouted with glee,
"This surely will be ecstasy!"
First he came in her mouth,
Then her cunt, then on south
To her asshole for squirt number three!
--- Joe Long

Of professionals, greater and lesser,
I'd most like to be a professor.
He can live off foundations
And take long vacations,
While all of his students say "Yes, sir!"
--- Laurence Perrine P8311

A professor, away on sabbatical,
Was famous for being Socratical.
When asked by the press
For a word, he said, "Yes,
Just say I am apothegmatical."
--- Limber Limericks

Our prexy, bloved Dr. Roche,
Felt financial problems encroach,
And, after review
Of the salary skew,
He resigned to become a head coach.
--- Laurence Perrine P8311

A Northampton professor named Tipple
Loved to suckle a student's left nipple.
Though he did it with ardor,
He could not get it harder,
And he came without even a ripple.
--- G2551

The Dean of my old university
Was a man of pervasive perversity;
His admission of students
Showed damn little prudence--
But let to delightful diversity.
--- Norm Storer

We envied the chair that she sat in,
For 'twas an endowed chair in Latin --
A chair all her own
Like a queen's burnished throne --
How pleasant to lean back and chat in!
--- Laurence Perrine P8311

Teacher was talking 'bout final exam:
"Better be here, or you'll be in a jam.
Don't come down with the flu;
Excuses won't do.
Now get lost, go on home and cram."
--- Anon

And as always, in every class,
There's that one kid, y'know, the smart ass.
"What if we can't take the test
'Cause we're tired from much sex?"
Laughter erupted from each lad and lass.
--- Anon

The teacher replied, with a perfect dead-pan,
Once the laughter had died, he said to the man,
"No that excuse will not fly,
You'll just have to try
To write with your other hand!"
--- Anon

A plump English prof from Atlanta,
Was bloated with bawdy, bold banter.
He'd sit on his ass,
And let fly his gas,
Whenever he sniffed a decanter.
--- L1598

"Despite the political cant,
The president," said Dr. Brant,
"Whom professors of knowledge
At your typical college
Admire most, is still U.S. Grant.
--- A N Wilkins P8912