A candid Professor confesses
That the secret of half his success is,
Not his science, as such,
Nor its marvels so much,
As his bright irresponsible guesses.
--- Thomas Thorneley

Quite absent of mind is Prof Brown,
For which he's achieved some renown;
He put jam on his fly,
Kissed the streetcar goodbye,
And, hopping his wife, went to town.
--- Armand E Singer 31

Vast knowledge, says Prof, sets you free.
He says don't believe all you see!
But I can't be doubtin'
When he whips it out 'n'
The old boy is hung to the knee.
--- Ericka

A vain old Professor of Greek
Would boast, "I am surely unique.
The rude hoi-polloi
All cause me no joy."
So he formed himself into a clique.
--- Ron Rubin

The retired English Prof, Dr Sound,
From a family rich and reknowned,
Held a soiree today
In his out of the way
Estate, he named the Complex Compound.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0401

A meticulous young dean named Lester,
Took a girl to his rooms and undressed her.
Then took out some charts,
And compared all her parts,
With the norms for the current semester.
--- John Ciardi

The students of Yale all agreed
From one course they had to be freed.
The professor Yale hired
Quite strictly required
They know how to write and to read.
--- Warrick Elrod

A professor who flunked his whole class,
Was arrested for having the brass,
In this modern milieu,
To adhere to the view:
"If you don't do the work, you don't pass."
--- Cyber Geezer A

An English professor named Yentl,
Whose salary won't pay the rental,
Once complained, "It's not right,
And when comes that last night,
I won't like the light nor go gentle."
--- Armand E Singer 847

A complacent old Don of Divinity,
Made boast of his daughter's virginity.
They must have been dawdlin',
The students of Magdalen,
It couldn't have happened at Trinity.
--- Anon, Cambridge 30'sL0829A

Said the Skidmore prof, "I'm not vicious,
But short skirts bring visions lubricious.
When I look down my class
At those acres of ass,
I come in my pants. It's delicious."
--- G2228

A foxy professor, by proxy,
Who -- accused of Red heterodoxy --
Plead, "There isn't a shred
Of evidence," and said,
"Orthodoxy . . . Now that's my doxy."
--- Stu Lucas P9601

A Professor of English named Ford
Was writing a quote on the board;
However in haste,
He left out a space --
--- Irving Superior P8311A

A prof at Mills College named Wilde,
By the sweet smell of sex was beguiled.
Losing all moral scruples,
He laid forty girl pupils,
And left thirty seven with child.
--- Grand Prix Lim 88 a

An English professor named Greene
Wrote a novel so grossly obscene,
He was sued for divorce,
Lost all credit, of course,
And was promptly promoted to dean.
--- Michael Weinstein P8311

Though our students are quite pulchritudinous,
There's a thing that is always eludin' us:
Though we pinch and we leer
And seduce them with beer,
Our conduct is unturpitudinous.
--- Ninian Smart

Said a learned Professor named Pluck:
"Look, I've read every erudite book
By Descartes and Kant,
But what I most want
Is a wild Rabelasian fuck!"
--- Michael Horgan

A profligate professor named Pease
Conquered coeds with sonsumate ease,
And while most would succumb
On the spot, there were some
Whom he had to seduce by degrees.
--- David Rochford

We provide the finest instruction
In education, deduction, seduction;
The first two designed
For the function of mind,
And the last for a different function.
--- Larry Payne P8311

A misanthrope teaching at Vasser,
Was implored by a nymphet to pass her.
The ill-tempered old grouch,
Threw her down on a couch,
And bounced on her antimacassar.
--- G1623

One semester, a young prof named Innis,
Taught two hundred coeds what sin is.
Not bad, I acknowledge,
For a small country college,
But not worth recording in Guinness.
--- John Ciardi A

Researching concerns educational,
Some prof found a method rotational,
And tried it on lasses
Who took his sex classes:
Results nothing short of sensational.
--- Armand E Singer 454

A sex-crazy prof in LaJolla
Has a habit that's sure to annoy ya.
His amusable beds
Are chockfull of coeds--
He's a sexual tank and destroyer!
--- G2394

A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
Had a date with a sexy young sophomore.
As quick as a wink
He stripped to his dink,
But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
--- G0196

There was a college prexy.
A female, sensual and sexy.
An average student, if male,
Would oftentimes fail,
Unless he slept with that sexy prexy.
--- Isadore Lippman P8402

Have you heard of Professor McFigg,
That awful male-chauvinist pig?
All the coeds he screws,
Feeds them reefers and booze,
And teaches them semen to swig.
--- G0878

A heartless professor named Goff
Had real quickie sex with some soph;
From ten-till to eight
He'd plumb his poor date
And call such affairs "on-and-off."
--- Armand Singer

There was a young studish professor
Who decided to play the aggressor.
What he wants and expects
From the girls he selects
Is a whispered, subservient, "Yes, sir."
--- Isaac Asimov

A scholar at Syracuse U.
Had trouble researching the gnu,
But managed to score
With note twenty-four:
Enlarged it became volume II
--- Armand E Singer 661

At the archeological site,
Doctor Dave wasn't terribly bright;
He boffed a grad student;
It was most imprudent;
But the young ones are still nice and tight!
--- Anon

My computer thinks I cannot see,
That he thinks he is smarter than me.
If I trip on a rug,
It might pull out the plug,
And accidents happen to me.
--- Larry Dahl

For the ST I don't give a toss,
And the Mac's famous front end is dross.
For the Arch' and Amiga,
I've never been eager,
Because I'm addicted to DOS.
--- Alexander Baron

Have you heard of the poor agent Purser,
Whose auction luck wouldn't get worser?
In the midst of a sale
His computer did fail
And his bids were erased by his cursor!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

This is file wsm

A young man who feared he was neuter,
Fed his vital facts to a computer.
The machine, like a flash,
Typed, "Forget about gash --
You'll be Fag-of-the-Year as a fruiter."
--- G1021

The weeds have grown back since I hoed 'em;
Lawns have grown tall since I sowed 'em.
Wife's getting scrappy;
To keep her happy,
Turned off my computer and modem.
--- Observer

Newton sees Apple fall down.
As he watches he says with a frown,
Support, it is lacking,
And it needs more hacking.
There are better computers in town.
--- Roger Moore

A slick talking pirate name Bruce,
To steal code, had a plan to seduce
An Apple II+.
Now Bruce wears a truss,
And was jailed for computer abuse.
--- Anon

The Macintosh made lots of news
By being so easy to use.
But now it's so dressy
And complex and messy,
That running it gives me the blues.
--- Kevin Moore

There was a young lady named Kate
Assessed by computers first rate.
The computer had blundered,
She was had by a hundred,
Ere a man did choose Kate as a mate.
--- Albin Chaplin

I agree, it is very much cuter,
If the brain was indeed a computer.
But I'm sorry my friend,
For a problem to mend,
Takes a bottle of wine and a tutor.
--- Nawahl Razak

There are errors you will likely repeat
If you type while you're stroking your meat.
Men who play with their cocks
See that FATAL ERROR box...
Hit Control, next press Alt, then Delete.
--- Bob Birch P0206

There once was a king of cogsci,
Who thought all others small fry.
He claimed there's no blank;
A view he could bank;
What he claimed, however, was lies.
--- Anon

The computer is our way of life,
At our work, in our homes and in strife.
In planes, ships, and car,
The computer's gone far;
It's now used to match man with a wife!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

A computer, to print out a fact,
Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
But this output can be
No more than debris,
If the input was short of exact.

(GIGO - garbage in, garbage out)
--- Gigo P9602

There's a bio-computer, you know,
Which some say is likely to grow;
You just plant a seed
For whatever you need,
And reap whatever you sow.
--- Anon

There was a computer that cried
Because it's hard drive had just died.
And down to the urge
Of a large power surge,
Its processing chips were flash fried.
--- Terry Wilson

An Aussie programmer of Ipswich,
Had a habit of making her hips twitch,
And that stopped her PC.
The repairmen agree
That something had made the tube's chip switch.
--- A N Wilkins P8611

There are thousands of brands of computers,
Each of which has its own rooters.
And each rooter bristles
If yours has more whistles
Or klaxons or sirens or hooters.
--- Barrie Collins

She was reading the Kama Sutra
While lying atop the computra.
When she drooled on the screen,
The repair man, serene,
Said, "Careful it don't 'lectrocute ya!"
--- Ericka

My Mum has a Mac II to type letters,
But don't mock it or you will upset her.
Very outdated
And quite antiquated,
And the computer isn't much better.
--- Tim

There is this weird codger named Wooters,
Who seeks to build quantum computers.
He's wagered two bits,
He'll prevail without cubits,
But he finds he has many disputers.
--- Jonathan P Dowling

I tried to push Explorer four
Out of this machine's little door,
But the computer
Said to reboot 'er,
And I'd just broken the CD drawer...
--- Anon

There once was a female computer,
Who thought everyone should salute her
For being the best
On every test,
Including her work as a tutor.
--- William Walker

Computers were clearly elated
When a PC courageously stated
That men have no place
In the silicon race,
And that rocks are more closely related.
--- Larry Dahl

My computer can probably render
A universe lacking in gender.
The point of creation
In this simulation
Is something I fail to remember.
--- Larry Dahl

A computer named ILLIAC-4
Had a rather tough bug in its core.
It chewed up the cards,
And spewed yard and yards
Of illegible tape on the floor.
--- Anon

Sir Arthur's new PC machine
Is slick as a dyke's vaseline;
And like a whore purring,
The thing just keeps whirring,
While spewing out limericks, obscene.
--- Mark Levy P9601

The only thing MIPS can agree on
Is to build chips that glow brighter than neon.
But now its OK
Because we bought Cray,
We can dip the whole system in Freon.
--- Jamie Riotto

An ousted young worker named Phil
Was taught to obtain a new skill.
Though he had the best tutors,
He could not beat computers,
And poor Phil went to bed with a chill.
--- Albin Chaplin

It's a dangerous time of the year.
Thunder and lightning are near.
My modem went PHUT!
From the net, I am cut.
A flash in the wan brings no cheer.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

My computer was caught in a net,
So I dragged it to the family vet.
He put it on its side,
Looked into its drive,
And said, "I think we've already met!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection

The powerhouse -- 166!
I've never seen such an odd mix
Of wires and drives,
That buzz like behives,
And hang every time something clicks.
--- Nik Synytskyy

Infringing IP mountaineers
Made prospecting their new careers.
By panning for gold
From a river they sold,
When they were still called engineers.
--- Anon

There once was a hacker named Cyrus
Whose computer developed a virus.
To get some surceases,
He chopped it to pieces,
And went back to using papyrus!
--- Al Willis T9710

In these days of A.1. and Byte, (defunct computer mags)
A computer controls day and night.
It can make a heart beat,
Book your flight and a seat,
Is this done by design -- or by right!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

There's a vulture who sit on my screen
And smirks at that evil machine.
While that buzzard was lurking,
My hard drive quit working,
And I've commented loud and obscene.
--- John Miller 0162