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I thought that it needn't be said, When she worked, my computer I kissed. My computer is fickle as hell; Lizzy Borden took an axe I teach software to sit up and beg, A cute secretary, none cuter, My computer spends time being rebooted; A vengeful technician named Schmitz There once was a cheesy young fellow Computers, like cars, are called "She's". You're so angry, you really did lose it; There was a young lady named Maisie; My PC has been on the fritz; For no reason your system will crash; A computer is just a machine. Said an X3 stalwart of Nancy, I was playing Quake with a mass, To computers Miss VIP came There's nothing like killing a Vore Death! Chaos! Rape! Murder! Distraction! DOOM 2 to all games I prefer; Playing DOOM 2 is a swell; Running around on DM-1, I tried to use my computer Well Sid, if your face doesn't fit, I was running around DM1, There was a young chappy named Stu, There once was a player named Stan, "Grand Poobah was leading the clan, There once was a weenie named Joe, This is probably the best gun; There once was an ogre I killed, My victim had just stopped to beg, Into the Net I jumped; Lara Croft was a raider of tombs; Lara Croft launched a daring attack; Angus and Paul played a Sony My trigger finger, it did itch, I've also played violent games; I once was a Lama, you see. My modem connection is grating; There was a young woman whose suitor It came in the mail, a PC, Well, order a massive vibrator I already gave that a try, If you're being ignored by your spouse I've got one more trick up my sleeve, When you take that small ball I see how things are at your house, My wife sits in front of the 'puter I've been playing since quarter past noon, I play a great game, it's called Quake! There once was a game we call Quake, I've played QUAKE 1 and it sucks. If you think DOOM is just great, Facing the wall, I did stand, There's nothing I like more than scrags, The Shambler is quite a large beast. A shambler with quite a bad rash, When running through the enemy base, There once was a sniper named "Bard" SPQ is the way of the day; I purchased myself a computer, I was playing Superheroes 2, I grapple and capture the flag, I got this new computer toy. There once was an Ultima dude, (I was raised in Yolo County, Calif. -McW)
But alas I'm still shakin' me head.
"Stop rhymin 'bout hooters,
Get off your computers,
And go bonk a real girl instead!"
--- Big Mick
When she sickened, I couldn't persist.
But to whom should I send her,
Since I couldn't mend her--
Technician or Psychiatrist?
--- Laurence Perrine P9304
Is it up? Is it down? Who can tell?
And the crashes? Sweet Jesus!
It does what it pleases.
Hell, it ought to bleed monthly as well.
--- Archie
And plunged it deeply into the VAX;
Don't you envy people who
Do all the things YOU want to do?
--- Anon
But last session I sure laid an egg:
My OS last night
Learned to bark, growl and bite,
Now the PC is mounting my leg!
--- John Miller 0099
Was replace by a clicking computer.
'Twas the wife of the boss
Put this deal across,
You see, the computer was neuter.
--- Ogden Nash
To wait while this happens I'm not suited.
The screen keeps on flashing,
(I don't think this is smashing)
If I fall asleep I need to be hooted.
--- Arthur Pattaffy Q
Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz.
He covered the platter
With bat fecal matter.
Now, its seek time is really the pits.
--- Anon
Who from using computers turned yellow.
Said he bitterly: "Fuck,
The computers all suck!
And most of them don't even swallow."
--- Anon
They like when you tickle their keys.
Try inserting a floppy,
They become a jalopy
And stall with a "log off" and freeze.
--- Anon
Your computer you kicked and abused it.
The solution's to stop,
Take it back to the shop,
And explain that you're too dumb to use it.
--- Mike Dale
About her new computer was hazy.
There were too many keys
To handle with ease,
Told her friends that she was going crazy!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
It's simply been giving me fits.
I think it's just old;
The hard-drive's grown mold;
Mega bites have chewed it to bits.
--- Anon
The screen you are tempted to smash.
You have tweaked and have fiddled,
But with bugs it is riddled.
So go toss the PC in the trash.
--- Anon
You could never call it obscene.
So if you turn red,
From words that it said,
It's YOU who knows what they mean.
--- Victoria
"They'd garner more folk than they fancy,
If they'd play their own game
And stick with one name,
Be it ASA, USASI, or ANSI"
--- William J Wilson P0607
Then I left to relieve some gas.
I was fragged constantly,
When I was away, you see;
Auto-fire joysticks, my ass!
--- Anon
To select her a man for her frame.
When the facts were supplied,
The computer replied:
Your face and your cunt are the same.
--- Albin Chaplin
And kicking its corpse on the floor.
Rockets, gernades,
And even axe blades;
It's the cleanup that's always a chore.
--- Anon
And killings!.. And raxings!.. Abduction!!
I'm violent today,
'Cause DOOM I have played.
This game ain't outdated a fraction.
--- Nik Synytskyy
To "Duke" and "Of Destiny Spear";
To annihilate Hell
And all monsters as well,
I will strive even in a nightmare.
--- Nik Synytskyy
I'm running through levels of hell.
And big fierce monsters
(Unlike Q2 "toasters")
Assault me surprisingly well.
--- Nik Synytskyy
Being gibbed by about everyone,
When along came a newby
And before he could shoot me,
I fragged him with my double shotgun.
--- Anon
To find an appropriate suitor,
But my pics, in a flash,
Caused the darn thing to crash,
And resisted attempts to reboot her.
--- Cyd
This ruse here may well help a bit.
To have the gals falling
For you and come calling,
Why not post the face of Brad Pitt.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Being gibbed by about everyone.
When along came a newbie,
Before he could shoot me,
I fragged him with my old shotgun.
--- Anon
A sniper he was tall and true.
On his neck, felt a nick
From a crafty medic,
And he died then and there from the flu.
--- Anon
Who had a grenade in his hand.
When Stan stopped to cough,
The damn thing went off,
And no one could find him again.
--- Anon
Rocket launchers and nailguns in hand.
But we were all moshed,
Since our clan had lost,
Not one of us was left to stand.
--- Anon
Who blasted himself in the toe.
He let out a shriek
That branded him weak;
His death quickly came from below.
--- Anon
It makes Quake a whole lot of fun.
We all know the sound;
They shout HIT THE GROUND!
If you don't, you are very well done.
--- Anon
Who had his fat nasty guts spilled.
He launched a grenade;
I moved in with my blade.
When my axe spilled his guts, I was thrilled.
--- Anon
My rockets blew him into smeg.
He got his vengance instead,
Something slammed into my head,
I was killed by his flying right leg.
--- Anon
This is file wrm
Weapon ready, adrenaline pumped.
In the corner of my eye.
I saw some lamer go by,
Then on the ground, his body was slumped.
--- Anon
Her best weapon sent foes to their dooms.
Men she fought, had no chance
Once engulfed in the trance,
She induced with her mammoth bazooms!
--- Lims For Year - 01
Guns ablaze, the tomb raider fought back.
'Twas a pity she died,
But, alas, she relied
On some twit with the joystick named Jack.
--- Lims For Year - 01
With controls that took two players only.
It sadly appeared
That one crashed while one steered.
One's a winner and one's macaroni.
--- Anon
Since some guy tried to give me the ditch.
I charged fast behind,
And his ass was mine.
"Merry Christmas, you son of a bitch!"
--- Anon
Dreamed of rockets and guns and fast dames.
But kicking some arse
Became less of a farce
When my monitor went up in flames.
--- Birko
My keyboard was just fine for me.
There were keys everywhere,
Knocked 'round here and there;
Damned Mousers they keep killing me.
--- Anon
Quake on 28.8, I am hating.
The terrible lag
Is always a drag,
For instead of Quaking, I'm skating.
--- Anon
Treated her just like his computer.
She let himn log-on,
But she told him "Begone!"
Whenever he tried to reboot her.
--- Richard Long
So he got it all set up, now he
Plays with his new toy,
It must bring him joy,
'Cause he has no time left for me.
--- Anon
And use it in front of him straight or
Crooked. In your pants
Insert it ... perchance,
He might notice you, sooner or later.
--- Anon
Right in front of him; spread my thighs.
The vibrator hummed,
Glancing down he said, "Hon",
"My PC is going awry!"
--- Anon
While that PC engages the louse,
Just do what I do:
When he's not within view,
I remove the small ball from his mouse.
--- Anon
That just might work, I believe.
My pic on the web,
Getting some head,
From my next door neighbor, young Steve!
--- Anon
Does your spouse's mouse claw, squirm, and squall?
Does it start in to wail?
Must you pull on it's tail?
Do you spread out it's wee legs at all?
--- Anon
You get jollies de-balling a mouse.
Give him, also, a hug
As you pull out his plug,
When you finally get tired of the spouse.
--- Anon
That I got, thinking of how to suit her.
I sat here and cried
Knowing that I tried
To be the one who played with her pooter.
--- Anon
And I think I can now see the moon.
My eyes are all crusty,
My clothes smell real musty,
So someone please reach fifty SOON!
--- Anon
All day and all night with no break.
I don't have a job;
I've become a fat slob;
It's better than rubbing my snake!
--- Anon
That caused me to shiver and shake.
While hearing its sounds,
My fears did abound,
As I fell impaled on a stake.
--- Anon
The monsters are funny small schmucks.
There's no point to fear
That they'll toast my rear,
With their puny and futile attacks.
--- Nik Synytskyy
Play QUAKE 2 - it's much better, mate.
And the graphics are cool,
And the monsters more cruel,
And your death will be sooner, not late!
--- Funny Bone
With only one rocket in hand.
My finger did slip,
The rocket did rip,
That that put an end to my plan.
--- Anon
And putting their bodies in bags.
They drop left and right,
Hardly put up a fight,
While increasing my number of frags.
--- Anon
He slaps and he kills with great ease.
A mistake I made,
When I launched a grenade,
For those affect him the least.
--- Anon
Got angry and then tried to smash
Everyone around,
While making a sound
Like several cars having a crash!
--- Anon
Take heed lest the bad guys give chase.
I failed to look back,
And I felt a soft WHACK.
The bullet emerged from my face.
--- Anon
Who found that far-killing's not hard.
"I kill just for fun,
All those that won't run,
And any who let down their guard."
--- Anon
Lag too great to enter the fray.
Gib a Fiend with an axe;
Stop a Knight in his tracks;
Turn a Shambler to Shambler flambe!
--- Anon
And then hunted around for a tutor.
Now I write to Maggie,
To Jenny and Aggie;
My job's a computerised suitor!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
When I was fragged by an Archmage or two.
I fired my flame,
The gibs, how they came!
I ripped the damn sucker in two!
--- Anon
I blow the base guarders to rags!
And back to my base,
The enemies give chase,
But my T-1 offers no lag.
--- Anon
It's not as much fun as a toy-boy.
I'm trying to understan'
The pre-loaded program
But help isn't any -- too coy!
--- Anon
Who oft was incredibly crude.
Iolo was his name,
And he gained his fame
By constantly shouting "More Food!"
--- Anon
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