I thought that it needn't be said,
But alas I'm still shakin' me head.
"Stop rhymin 'bout hooters,
Get off your computers,
And go bonk a real girl instead!"
--- Big Mick

When she worked, my computer I kissed.
When she sickened, I couldn't persist.
But to whom should I send her,
Since I couldn't mend her--
Technician or Psychiatrist?
--- Laurence Perrine P9304

My computer is fickle as hell;
Is it up? Is it down? Who can tell?
And the crashes? Sweet Jesus!
It does what it pleases.
Hell, it ought to bleed monthly as well.
--- Archie

Lizzy Borden took an axe
And plunged it deeply into the VAX;
Don't you envy people who
Do all the things YOU want to do?

--- Anon

I teach software to sit up and beg,
But last session I sure laid an egg:
My OS last night
Learned to bark, growl and bite,
Now the PC is mounting my leg!
--- John Miller 0099

A cute secretary, none cuter,
Was replace by a clicking computer.
'Twas the wife of the boss
Put this deal across,
You see, the computer was neuter.
--- Ogden Nash

My computer spends time being rebooted;
To wait while this happens I'm not suited.
The screen keeps on flashing,
(I don't think this is smashing)
If I fall asleep I need to be hooted.
--- Arthur Pattaffy Q

A vengeful technician named Schmitz
Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz.
He covered the platter
With bat fecal matter.
Now, its seek time is really the pits.
--- Anon

There once was a cheesy young fellow
Who from using computers turned yellow.
Said he bitterly: "Fuck,
The computers all suck!
And most of them don't even swallow."
--- Anon

Computers, like cars, are called "She's".
They like when you tickle their keys.
Try inserting a floppy,
They become a jalopy
And stall with a "log off" and freeze.
--- Anon

You're so angry, you really did lose it;
Your computer you kicked and abused it.
The solution's to stop,
Take it back to the shop,
And explain that you're too dumb to use it.
--- Mike Dale

There was a young lady named Maisie;
About her new computer was hazy.
There were too many keys
To handle with ease,
Told her friends that she was going crazy!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

My PC has been on the fritz;
It's simply been giving me fits.
I think it's just old;
The hard-drive's grown mold;
Mega bites have chewed it to bits.
--- Anon

For no reason your system will crash;
The screen you are tempted to smash.
You have tweaked and have fiddled,
But with bugs it is riddled.
So go toss the PC in the trash.
--- Anon

A computer is just a machine.
You could never call it obscene.
So if you turn red,
From words that it said,
It's YOU who knows what they mean.
--- Victoria

Said an X3 stalwart of Nancy,
"They'd garner more folk than they fancy,
If they'd play their own game
And stick with one name,
Be it ASA, USASI, or ANSI"
--- William J Wilson P0607

I was playing Quake with a mass,
Then I left to relieve some gas.
I was fragged constantly,
When I was away, you see;
Auto-fire joysticks, my ass!
--- Anon

To computers Miss VIP came
To select her a man for her frame.
When the facts were supplied,
The computer replied:
Your face and your cunt are the same.
--- Albin Chaplin

There's nothing like killing a Vore
And kicking its corpse on the floor.
Rockets, gernades,
And even axe blades;
It's the cleanup that's always a chore.
--- Anon

Death! Chaos! Rape! Murder! Distraction!
And killings!.. And raxings!.. Abduction!!
I'm violent today,
'Cause DOOM I have played.
This game ain't outdated a fraction.
--- Nik Synytskyy

DOOM 2 to all games I prefer;
To "Duke" and "Of Destiny Spear";
To annihilate Hell
And all monsters as well,
I will strive even in a nightmare.
--- Nik Synytskyy

Playing DOOM 2 is a swell;
I'm running through levels of hell.
And big fierce monsters
(Unlike Q2 "toasters")
Assault me surprisingly well.
--- Nik Synytskyy

Running around on DM-1,
Being gibbed by about everyone,
When along came a newby
And before he could shoot me,
I fragged him with my double shotgun.
--- Anon

I tried to use my computer
To find an appropriate suitor,
But my pics, in a flash,
Caused the darn thing to crash,
And resisted attempts to reboot her.
--- Cyd

Well Sid, if your face doesn't fit,
This ruse here may well help a bit.
To have the gals falling
For you and come calling,
Why not post the face of Brad Pitt.
--- Tiddy Ogg

I was running around DM1,
Being gibbed by about everyone.
When along came a newbie,
Before he could shoot me,
I fragged him with my old shotgun.
--- Anon

There was a young chappy named Stu,
A sniper he was tall and true.
On his neck, felt a nick
From a crafty medic,
And he died then and there from the flu.
--- Anon

There once was a player named Stan,
Who had a grenade in his hand.
When Stan stopped to cough,
The damn thing went off,
And no one could find him again.
--- Anon

"Grand Poobah was leading the clan,
Rocket launchers and nailguns in hand.
But we were all moshed,
Since our clan had lost,
Not one of us was left to stand.
--- Anon

There once was a weenie named Joe,
Who blasted himself in the toe.
He let out a shriek
That branded him weak;
His death quickly came from below.
--- Anon

This is probably the best gun;
It makes Quake a whole lot of fun.
We all know the sound;
They shout HIT THE GROUND!
If you don't, you are very well done.
--- Anon

There once was an ogre I killed,
Who had his fat nasty guts spilled.
He launched a grenade;
I moved in with my blade.
When my axe spilled his guts, I was thrilled.
--- Anon

My victim had just stopped to beg,
My rockets blew him into smeg.
He got his vengance instead,
Something slammed into my head,
I was killed by his flying right leg.
--- Anon

This is file wrm

Into the Net I jumped;
Weapon ready, adrenaline pumped.
In the corner of my eye.
I saw some lamer go by,
Then on the ground, his body was slumped.
--- Anon

Lara Croft was a raider of tombs;
Her best weapon sent foes to their dooms.
Men she fought, had no chance
Once engulfed in the trance,
She induced with her mammoth bazooms!
--- Lims For Year - 01

Lara Croft launched a daring attack;
Guns ablaze, the tomb raider fought back.
'Twas a pity she died,
But, alas, she relied
On some twit with the joystick named Jack.
--- Lims For Year - 01

Angus and Paul played a Sony
With controls that took two players only.
It sadly appeared
That one crashed while one steered.
One's a winner and one's macaroni.
--- Anon

My trigger finger, it did itch,
Since some guy tried to give me the ditch.
I charged fast behind,
And his ass was mine.
"Merry Christmas, you son of a bitch!"
--- Anon

I've also played violent games;
Dreamed of rockets and guns and fast dames.
But kicking some arse
Became less of a farce
When my monitor went up in flames.
--- Birko

I once was a Lama, you see.
My keyboard was just fine for me.
There were keys everywhere,
Knocked 'round here and there;
Damned Mousers they keep killing me.
--- Anon

My modem connection is grating;
Quake on 28.8, I am hating.
The terrible lag
Is always a drag,
For instead of Quaking, I'm skating.
--- Anon

There was a young woman whose suitor
Treated her just like his computer.
She let himn log-on,
But she told him "Begone!"
Whenever he tried to reboot her.
--- Richard Long

It came in the mail, a PC,
So he got it all set up, now he
Plays with his new toy,
It must bring him joy,
'Cause he has no time left for me.
--- Anon

Well, order a massive vibrator
And use it in front of him straight or
Crooked. In your pants
Insert it ... perchance,
He might notice you, sooner or later.
--- Anon

I already gave that a try,
Right in front of him; spread my thighs.
The vibrator hummed,
Glancing down he said, "Hon",
"My PC is going awry!"
--- Anon

If you're being ignored by your spouse
While that PC engages the louse,
Just do what I do:
When he's not within view,
I remove the small ball from his mouse.
--- Anon

I've got one more trick up my sleeve,
That just might work, I believe.
My pic on the web,
Getting some head,
From my next door neighbor, young Steve!
--- Anon

When you take that small ball
Does your spouse's mouse claw, squirm, and squall?
Does it start in to wail?
Must you pull on it's tail?
Do you spread out it's wee legs at all?
--- Anon

I see how things are at your house,
You get jollies de-balling a mouse.
Give him, also, a hug
As you pull out his plug,
When you finally get tired of the spouse.
--- Anon

My wife sits in front of the 'puter
That I got, thinking of how to suit her.
I sat here and cried
Knowing that I tried
To be the one who played with her pooter.
--- Anon

I've been playing since quarter past noon,
And I think I can now see the moon.
My eyes are all crusty,
My clothes smell real musty,
So someone please reach fifty SOON!
--- Anon

I play a great game, it's called Quake!
All day and all night with no break.
I don't have a job;
I've become a fat slob;
It's better than rubbing my snake!
--- Anon

There once was a game we call Quake,
That caused me to shiver and shake.
While hearing its sounds,
My fears did abound,
As I fell impaled on a stake.
--- Anon

I've played QUAKE 1 and it sucks.
The monsters are funny small schmucks.
There's no point to fear
That they'll toast my rear,
With their puny and futile attacks.
--- Nik Synytskyy

If you think DOOM is just great,
Play QUAKE 2 - it's much better, mate.
And the graphics are cool,
And the monsters more cruel,
And your death will be sooner, not late!
--- Funny Bone

Facing the wall, I did stand,
With only one rocket in hand.
My finger did slip,
The rocket did rip,
That that put an end to my plan.
--- Anon

There's nothing I like more than scrags,
And putting their bodies in bags.
They drop left and right,
Hardly put up a fight,
While increasing my number of frags.
--- Anon

The Shambler is quite a large beast.
He slaps and he kills with great ease.
A mistake I made,
When I launched a grenade,
For those affect him the least.
--- Anon

A shambler with quite a bad rash,
Got angry and then tried to smash
Everyone around,
While making a sound
Like several cars having a crash!
--- Anon

When running through the enemy base,
Take heed lest the bad guys give chase.
I failed to look back,
And I felt a soft WHACK.
The bullet emerged from my face.
--- Anon

There once was a sniper named "Bard"
Who found that far-killing's not hard.
"I kill just for fun,
All those that won't run,
And any who let down their guard."
--- Anon

SPQ is the way of the day;
Lag too great to enter the fray.
Gib a Fiend with an axe;
Stop a Knight in his tracks;
Turn a Shambler to Shambler flambe!
--- Anon

I purchased myself a computer,
And then hunted around for a tutor.
Now I write to Maggie,
To Jenny and Aggie;
My job's a computerised suitor!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

I was playing Superheroes 2,
When I was fragged by an Archmage or two.
I fired my flame,
The gibs, how they came!
I ripped the damn sucker in two!
--- Anon

I grapple and capture the flag,
I blow the base guarders to rags!
And back to my base,
The enemies give chase,
But my T-1 offers no lag.
--- Anon

I got this new computer toy.
It's not as much fun as a toy-boy.
I'm trying to understan'
The pre-loaded program
But help isn't any -- too coy!
--- Anon

There once was an Ultima dude,
Who oft was incredibly crude.
Iolo was his name,
And he gained his fame
By constantly shouting "More Food!"

(I was raised in Yolo County, Calif. -McW)
--- Anon