These new CPU's are some beauts,
And they put me way up on you brutes.
Through the beeps and the chimes,
I have crashed several times,
Before your old machine even boots.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Here's how it once used to be:
While booting, I'd brew me some tea;
Receiving my post,
I'd go and burn toast,
But now my bread's wholly soot free.
--- Tiddy Ogg

I think that I think that I am,
Thought a Pentium processor, Sam.
If you take me apart
You will find no Descartes
Because cogito ergo, I'm Sam
--- Larry Dahl

There once was a Pentium chip
That thought it was perfectly hip,
But with megahertz measured
At speeds highly treasured,
It offered more tease that real strip.
--- Norm Storer P9804

My computer's a Pentium Pro,
Makes my Amiga really look slow.
But what could be done,
With two clicks or one,
Takes five clicks and two strokes to go.
--- Jordon

The Pentium Processor was born,
For many a nerd with a horn.
His left hand surfs with joy,
On this powerful toy,
Because it computerizes porn.
--- Anon

My computer's a Pentium II,
And does what my XT could do.
But is'nt much faster
At causing disaster,
Such as re-formatting my hard drive in two.
--- Jordon

I concede my computer now knows
More each day, for its memory grows.
But I still can't explain
How a silicon brain
Can know that I know that it knows!
--- Larry Dahl

Computer biz players are betting,
On developments they could be dreading.
It seems Windows XP
Needs beefed-up PC's;
For new sales their appetites whetting.
--- Dr Limerick

No, while cleaning my desk and redo-
ing arrangments of hardware I pu(t)
The most sanctified tower
Of pentium-power
On the edge of my desk, then turned to
--- Anon

Moving boxes filled heavy with books;
Cleared the floor of my study that looks --
Well, 'twas messy indeed.
When the cat 'neath my feet
Made me jump, hit my desk-chair which shook,
--- Anon

When it rolled 'cross the room and did crash
'Gainst the desk, the PC. In a flash
The disaster unfold-
Ed to me; couldn't hold
Books and tower. So I was awash...
--- Anon

Had no dough for repairs, was so broke --
Almost slept with the 'puter-shop bloke!
(Fortune saved me from - YUKK!-
This most terrible fuck,
But the cyberless time did provoke...)
--- Anon

I'm writing this verse on a Mac.
These Apple-made boards make me gack!
It crashes to pieces
If somebody sneezes,
And you can't get that lost data back!
--- ROE

A Mac is a wonderful tool,
But you need to remember this rule:
"An Apple a day
Keeps the data away."
(I think I was taught this in school.)
--- Peter Wilkins

Computer, now kindly behave,
Because I'm the boss, you're the slave.
New computer or not,
I'll give you the chop,
If you Quit when I've told you to Save.
--- John Pickersgill

My eyesight's not good, it is true,
But I'm SURE I pressed S, and not Q.
Don't sit there and blink
Just so I will think
It was me, IT WAS NOT -- IT WAS YOU!
--- John Pickersgill

With my joystick, I've had some bad luck;
Here's the second one I've had to chuck.
Do I grip it too tight?
Is this tugging all right?
Can I jerk it, just like a young buck?
--- Allen Wolverton

Do I yank it too hard when I pull
Back and forth, side-to-side on a roll?
Does it get too much whip
In my hot clammy grip?
The abuse must have taken its toll.
--- Allen Wolverton

This here joystick has had its last fling;
It will no longer stand like a king.
Look here! See it dangle
At a most awkward angle,
And the FIRE button won't harm a thing.
--- Allen Wolverton

I purchased a "handheld" for workin',
But soon left my co-workers smirkin'.
For I always thought
The Palm Pilot I bought
Was hardware for jerkin' your gherkin.
--- Irish

Then I downloaded Aitch's coin flipper.
I know I should try to be hipper,
But I couldn't pry
The disk from my fly;
The file said to use my un-zipper!
--- Irish

I galloped from Aix towards Ghent,
But forgot why the hell I was sent.
So I slammed on the brakes,
And I galloped to Aix,
Back the way I originally went.
--- Peter Wilkins

I answer, "Of course!" with a frown.
"You carried some news from that town!"
And the reason, of course
Why you used a horse:
That day your damn server was down!"
--- John Miller

A hacker who screwed a mag tape,
Was caught and convicted of rape.
To jail, he did go,
From which, to his woe,
He couldn't get out with .
--- Anon

An AI researcher named Bluth,
Wrote, to find out the sexual truth,
Eroticon VI,
Which he taught certain tricks
Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth.

(Eroticon - ??, Knuth - ??)
--- Anon

Becky's a lady I know,
A computer whiz, quite on the go;
Information's a breeze,
When hitting the keys,
For she's the best hacker I know.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

An ancient librarian named Bell
Was wicked and then went to Hell.
His mind was encumbered
With decimal numbers,
His body wracked with U.R.L.'s
--- Steven P Masticola

A bright young programmer named Howard,
At ten years old was highly powered,
He was brought up on bytes,
Ignored his class fights,
But at twenty his vision had soured!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

I promised an ending: I lied.
I can't even say that I tried.
I programmed all day
In my usual way,
And now my poor brain has been fried
--- Anon

Computers in school are first rate.
There's agreement by every classmate.
One summed it up well,
And wrote, "I excell;
Computurs, I thenk, is reel grate."
--- Al Willis TP9806

There once was a firm out in Strauss
Paid a bounty for each bug you'd douse.
A coder named Stan
Saw a flaw in their plan
And coded himself a new house.
--- Kevin Barnes

Poor Janie, one terrible night,
As her disk space became much too tight;
Accidentally slipped
Into recursive ZIP;
Got compressed down into just one byte!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

This is file wpm

Computing is much like fine art;
They're basics to master to start.
But stifling demands
On creative hands
Cool the fire that burns in their heart.
--- Terrance Boult

A kid was a regular log-in
To a zoo board in South Copenhagen.
While it gave him some thrills,
The telephone bills
Made his folks throw him out on his noggin.
--- Actaeon

A net nerd took hold of his floppy,
And held down the button marked "Copy."
He tapped "Maximize"
To increase its size,
But "Paste" got him sticky and sloppy.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There was an old man from Cape Verde
Whose young children called him a nerd
For eschewing TV
And saying with glee,
Couch potatoes are really absurd.
--- Harry Rubin P9211

Bessie hired an innocent young tutor
To teach her to use the computer;
She tried the time-share
And stroked his software,
But he just couldn't input to suit her.

(prize winner in Canterbury Limerick Contest)
--- Harry Yates P8512

There was a young man, Jason Vickery,
Who worshipped A. Jackson (Old Hickory).
But his face looked quite ill
On the twenty-buck bill,
Where he placed it with computer trickery.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Said a Comp Science Lecturer, Zhart,
Explaining the programmer's art,
"When the job is complete,
Will boot you right back at the start.
--- Anon

From an ancient Egyptian papyrus,
A professor translated a virus.
It was rather terrific
For an old hierogllyphic:
His computer was cursed by Osiris.
--- Cyber Geezer

I am so damned fed up with spammers;
My mailbox is full of their yammers.
I think if they're caught,
Their punishment ought
To be smashing their 'puters with hammers.
--- Cheryl

Said a data compressor whose job
With the Library of Congress played hob.
"I've reduced all of it
Down to one bit,
Which I carry around on my fob."
--- William J Wilson P0607

A software technician from Digital,
Had hardware extremely prodigical.
It's rumored, I hear,
That when he was near,
He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A digital gourmet of the Ritz
Said, "My new menu will give them fits.
Card Jam and Tape Punch,
Lime Slices to munch,
Gibson Mix and Binary Bits."
--- William J Wilson P0607

I'm smart, I'm a tech-support boy;
My kung-fu is kosher, not goy.
And though it's not sacred,
I troubleshoot naked,
Which is risky for corporate employ.
--- Anon

Although watching TV is no plus,
At the people who do it, don't fuss.
We never should berate a
Complete couch potato,
Especially net nerds like us.
--- Cyber Geezer

My friend who's a PC technician,
Was arrested for his bad decision.
On the councilman's Mac
He stupidly tacked
On a DOS 6.02 partition!
--- Niall Gillett

I sit here and twiddle my thumbs;
This download's so long, I'm near numb.
Oh when will it end;
I thought Netscape a friend;
Twiddle deedo, twiddle dido, twiddle dum.
--- Sahollar TP9804

An Internet wedding is sweet;
It's cheap, easy, fast, and complete.
Of course, if divorce,
Becomes par for the course,
Just pull up the file -- hit delete!
--- Travis Brasell

A hardware debugger named Court,
Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port.
But its buffer array
Only handled 1K,
So the port's driver cut it off short.
--- Anon

There once was a techie called Anne
Who said "I've a brilliant plan.
Stick something obscene
At the foot of your screen
And pretend your computer's a man."
--- Chris Young

The crocuses happily blooming,
Auger that springtime is looming.
While Pan capers and pipes,
Those computer types
Remain in their caves network Dooming.

(Doom is an addictive computer game - McW)
--- Stiffy Joe

A structured programmer named Drew,
Was intensely turned on by "goto".
When he saw it in code,
He'd shoot off his load.
It's a good thing his shop used so few.
--- Anon

Our computer's hijacked by our boys;
It replaces all their standard toys.
Eating, sleeping, TV,
Are numbers one to three;
I'll admit it is handled with poise.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

With Internet porn quite unbarred,
My teenager's PC has starred
Such bosomy queens
That he's come in his jeans --
No wonder his C-drive is hard!
--- Norm Storer P9806

He tells us, in story and song,
Of his talent and overworked dong.
But the women he'll bed
And want to be wed,
Don't want to be wed to Joe Long.

(an example of an excellent flaming - McW)
--- Stephanie Smilay

Is a man to be labeled a louse
If he spends much less time with his spouse?
Does he have a defense
For the joy so intense,
That keeps him busy clicking his mouse?
--- Anon

If a man spends less time with his spouse
Than he does with a clickable mouse,
Then he's addicted to 'puters
Or to pictures of hooters,
And he's lucky to stay in the house.
--- Anon

He was just an AOL lamer,
Trying hardest to become a flamer.
With keyboard in hand,
He took on the land.
Then his mom killed him, ya' blame her?
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A husband whose wife once was cuter,
Was arrested for trashing her 'puter.
His logic was right,
For night after night
It turned him into a neuter.
--- Judith Wagner

Melvin, who worshipped the Web,
Was a nebbish -- his friends called him "Neb!"
One day cast his eyes here
And won the first prize here!
Now Melvin's become a celeb!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A computer programmer ill lucked,
By computer made plans to get fucked.
With his program perverted,
His prick he inserted
Then missed Enter and hit the Destruct.
--- Albin Chaplin

'Windows' does not make much sense;
Their utility is all just pretense.
And I don't give a toss
About MS DOS,
I'd rather have paper and pense.
--- Emmanuel Lamprecht

There once was a coder in Gaul
Who never used comments at all.
Friends took him to swim
In the rivers deep end,
And left him there chained, to a ball.
--- Kevin Barnes

A programmer down in Moline,
Said, "I'm a match for any machine.
My secret's aversion
To loops and recursion,
Just acres of inline routine.
--- William J Wilson P0607

My grandson's a fine lad of ten,
Since birth, on computers he's been;
With PC's he's magic,
Although it was tragic
When "Grandpa," he asked, "What's a pen?"
--- Travis Brasell