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Poor guy, lacked the good looks and charms With bustles and dresses quite long, So Abe had to keep mind on the job, He honored the oath that he swore; When Lincoln was fatally shot, For victories, A. Lincoln had panted; Dear President Abraham Lincoln Said a drunken old man of the press, Lincoln's ghost toured the White House and said, Abe Lincoln the comedian, Abe Lincoln, one sometimes perceives, "This job's not the fun it appears, A Lincoln tall-tale yarn of yore. The ghost of old Lincoln once said, Abe Lincoln, the pride of our nation, Abe Lincoln might have made this pun I revere all historical dates, Dear Mary, please wear your red dress The slave shot his choat down the throat Abraham Lincoln, during his climb, "Gadzooks!" cried Abraham Lincoln. A weary young author named Kite Dear Richard, the family just gapes We heard Nixon in '72 It's a shame the first name of Bill Clinton How cruel are the workings of fate, Dick Nixon was shrewd by design. There once was a dandified president Remember Dick Nixon (the rat)? About the trial outcome, you see, Said the President, "I am mistook, He stayed in a millionaire's house -- "Don't care how he spells it," he said. When Ehrlichman, Haldeman, Dean, Dilemma of Watergate shook I can't help but thinking that maybe St. Peter did Nixon condemn, As one day through the White House they wandered, The president, devious and sly, Dick Nixon in office was great. A notorious King made it straight, In recalling "U.S. versus Nixon", No Pres is above the law; There once was a slicker named Dick, Is there really a new Mr. Nixon, Remember that shyster from Whittier? Said an Eminent Statesman named Nixon: The statesman's great art, that of fixin', "I promise -- and let this be heard!" When Richard and Spiro kept shop, Since the corpse was a heel and a bum, A teenage protester named Lil In the days of the glory of Greece (Nixon Watergate conspirators - McW)
Polital office, alas, It is very sad to look upon Wrote the Russian to Reagan: "Don't pop off. "Just a quick check for piles, Mr. Rea- The point most aparent from facts is When atom bombs rain from the sky, Since the president's ass gave him pain, Good Lady there is no conspiracy; Gosh, Nancy! A mystery's afoot! "The unions will soon rue this day!" Ronald Reagon observed, "I allow There once was a man named Hinckley A small but a very proud nation Ronnie ran to Japan with great glee
Of some red-necks, right off the farms.
At that time, you'll note,
No ladies could vote,
No support from the "soccer moms".
--- Chris Papa
The intern could not "snap her thong",
Nor Abe thus entice
With a sample nice,
Of Sex's sweet, seductive song.
--- Chris Papa
Didn't pass buck, or nasty chores lob
To cabinet hacks,
To fend off attacks
From Dems, who condemned him as "slob".
--- Chris Papa
Got country through fierce Civil War,
By keeping his nose
On duties as those,
Not shedding on blue dresses, spore.
--- Chris Papa
He instantly died on the spot;
"The reason he's dead,"
Said Flo's husband, Fred,
"He messed with my wife's big 'ol twat!"
--- Anon
McDowell behaved as if planted.
But when Vicksburg was seized,
Mr. Lincoln was pleased;
His wishes at last had been Granted.
--- Laurence Perrine P9501
Noticed Mary Todd's pussy was stinkin'.
"Oh Abe, you rail splitter,
You've been lickin' me shitter!"
"My lord", said he, "What was I thinkin'?"
--- Anon
"Our political system's a mess.
If I wasn't so stinkin',
I'd write to Abe Lincoln,
But I cannot recall his address."
--- Hugh Oliver A138B
"It's disgraceful--he's leasing my bed!
Now I could not afford
One night's lodging and board!
Oh the shame! Yes, I'm glad that I'm dead."
--- William N Nesbit P9703
Defending a parenticide man,
On sensing the judge
From 'guilty' won't budge,
"Have pity on this poor orphan."
--- Irving Superior P9001
Wore garments of nondescript weaves,
And while stumping for votes,
He was tough on his coats,
And before very long, frayed the sleeves.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9804
And my sex life is much in arrears.
Did you know," Lincoln said,
"All I've had, in the bed --
Four scores in the past seven years."
--- Ed Potts P9001
Whenever questioned by a bore,
"Your legs are too long."
Lincoln twinkled "Wrong!
They're long enough to reach the floor."
--- Irving Superior P9001
"Theres a Chinese asleep in my bed!"
Abe went to the john,
Said "BOO" to John Huang,
"Wern't scared! Gave me greenbacks instead!"
--- Anon
Was known for his LUCUBRATION.
He worked all night
By the fire's light
To pen Emancipation Proclamation.
--- Norm Brust
If attacked by a Catholic with gun.
"Don't pummel that sister,
Use hammers please, mister.
My motto is 'mallets to ward nun'"
--- Anon
Celebrating each of our past greats.
Just at present I'm thinkin'
Of the Mary Todd Lincoln,
Versus Frederick Douglass debates.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P2005
To Gettysburg where we'll caress.
Please come very soon.
For your love I swoon.
Please find enclosed new Address.
--- Travis Brasell
Of Lydia, then he wrote this note:
"To slaves everywhere,
Unite and declare,
Abe Lincoln ain't getting our vote!"
--- Travis Brasell
Expressed wisdom some have called sublime.
Last election, forsooth,
Denied one Lincoln truth.
You can fool some folks all of the time.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0501
"I don't know what I was thinkin'.
McClellan gets fired,
And Hiram gets hired,
And we keep the Union from sinkin'."
--- William K Alsop Jr
Was writing far into the night,
And drowsily said
As he nodded his head,
"I'd rather be Nixon than write."
--- Limber Limericks
When I tell them, behind the drapes,
You've hidden some bugs.
Don't talk to those mugs...
We're thinking you should burn the tapes.
--- Frank Fazed
Say about Watergate, "Yep, I knew."
The voters in shock
Detested his schlock,
And changed dicks in the midst of a screw.
--- Kathi Webster A
Is not similar to Rich Nixon,
Who said "Stick with Dick"
And the same slogan slick
Would match well with what some folk are hintin'.
--- Mike Dale
As Nixon found out much too late.
He sure didn't oughta
Have muddied the water
Or tried to unstraighten the Gate.
--- Hugh Oliver A138A
At detente he really did shine.
Then came Watergate
And it was too late;
Poor Richard was forced to resign.
--- Gifford Wherry
Who bumbled as Whitehouse's resident.
But a Ford heard him shout,
And at once bailed him out,
And his sentences pardoned for Watergate.
--- Anon
The movie Deep Throat he once sat
Through several times,
While feeding it dimes,
Before he could get it down Pat.
--- Anon
I'm bothered by the credulity.
After a long inquest
Mr Judge Renquist,
Let King Richard the Third go scot-free.
--- Tom Simon
For I entered the kitchen to look.
It appears that I'm caught
With my hand in the pot,
But for certain I am not a cook."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2997
Mulcahy, who often shoots grouse.
But the hunt on this day
Was for much bigger prey:
"A kingdom for just one Milhous."
--- Max Frankel
"Or whether he's living or dead.
I need a relation
In this mighty nation
Lest the polls once again drift to Ted."
--- Max Frankel
This is file wnl
And Nixon were still on the scene,
The word of the hour
In the corners of power,
Was that men should be heard but obscene.
--- Hugh Oliver A140B
A prez who said, "I've been mistook!"
But he had to die a
Forsaken Pariah,
While proclaiming "I'm not a crook!"
--- Observer
Dick Nixon's old friend, known as Bebe,
Thought Tricia and Julie
Would not fight unduly,
But then, what kind of sisters would they be.
--- Dr Limerick
So Tricky tried this stratagem:
"Let me pass through the gate
I've drawn art work first rate."
But the best he could draw was some phlegm.
--- Albin Chaplin
Old Spiro and Richard both pondered
How to pull in the green
And yet keep their hands clean,
So the money they handled was laundered.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2831
On perversion of words does rely.
On his gravestone forsooth
Will be carved his FIRST truth,
A statement of fact: HERE I LIE.
--- Albin Chaplin P8702
He learned how the pros urinate.
But sphincter control
Was once a bit droll
And splashed on him through Watergate.
--- Tucker D Ott P9001
"After me, the Great Flood," was his fate;
A President's word
Has also been heard,
When he opened his own Watergate.
--- Bill Backe-Hansen P8308
'Twas leaks that the plumbers were fixin'.
'Twas Deep Throat who blew it,
Then Nixon said "Screw it!",
But not with some pubescent vixen!
--- Anon
In the seventies, this we saw,
When Nixon was pushed
Right out on his tush,
To much of the publics applause.
--- Gearhart
Who, no matter how dirty the trick,
Invoked the authority
Of the silent majority,
Till he found he could not make it stick.
--- John Ciardi
Who won't try his previous tricks on?
Or is it a fact
That he's virgin intact,
When it comes to a stand by conviction.
--- T Griffiths
And his lovely wife (don't you pity her?)?
Though he ended the war,
(For which give him full score)
His behavior at home just got shittier!
--- Don Boen P8202
"I'll screw them all, now that my prick's in!
Let the voters complain
That their rectum's in pain--
Those assholes could sure use some fixin'."
--- G0959
Would have been more effective in Nixon
If he'd understood
That the bad and the good
Are for keeping apart, not for mixin'.
--- Paul Jennings
Said Dick, "That I'll flip you the bird,
And trick you, and zap you,
And shit you and crap you,
Till you crown me King Richard the Turd!"
--- Jim O'Conner P8501
No man their conniving could stop.
They were forced to resign,
But they're now doing fine,
For the scum always floats to the top.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2791
To his wake the whole nation will come.
So that people can spit
On his coffin and shit,
And we'll slide him to hell on the scum.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2482
Cried, "Those Watergate spies make me ill.
First they bugged our martinis,
Our bras and bikinis,
And now they are bugging the pill."
--- Anon
They had Jason to fetch home the fleece.
Today we have fleeces
And Ludvig Von Mises,
And instead of John Dean, we have Meece.
--- Neal Wilgus P8311
Goes often to men who are crass.
Was Caligula coarse
In appointing a horse?
Look! We have elected an ass!
--- Laurence Perrine P8411A
The man who had held Nation's con.
Quite painful to view
The lengthly adieu
Of famed Alzheimer-AILER RON.
--- Chris Papa
Our proposals for war let us stop off.
We can settle our stuff
At my house on the bluff.
You may come for a visit." ANDROPOV
--- Albin Chaplin
Gan. You'll be out in well under a day."
But later that doc
Broke the news with a shock,
"Found a brain tumor, sorry to say."
--- Michael Weinstein P9001
That Mondale avows to raise taxes;
"I want spending cuts!"
Orders Ronnie with guts,
While behind him his own budget waxes.
--- LaDonna Jones P8411
All humans on earth, they will die.
As for Caspar and Ron,
They too will be gone,
So the price that we pay is not high.
--- Albin Chaplin
Two feet were removed with much strain.
Though it ached as before,
They could not remove more --
They were getting to close to the brain.
--- Phil Cannibal P9001
It's that people like Starr and Hatch see
The country doomed until Reagan.
Compare not to Fagin,
Or suffer pain of heresy.
--- Anon
How long have my brains been like soot?
When President and campaigning,
Were my faculties waning?
I'd use my head if I knew where 'twas put!
--- Cruelty Jones
Said the President, fresh from the fray.
"For we've passed some new laws
To correct all their flaws.
Let's begin with a little foreplay!"
--- Neal Wilgus P8608
That the buck, of course, still stops here now.
In that there's no change.
The thing that seems strange
Is that I've misplaced it somehow."
--- A N Wilkins P9004
Whose actions did certainly stinkley.
He was such a pagan
That he tried to kill Reagan
To impress Jodie Foster, I thinkley.
--- Anon
Endured a severe devastation,
For their leaders did vamp
With the opposite camp,
And they suffered U.S. Liberation.
--- Albin Chaplin
To propound on his presidency.
He spoke in a fog
And he slept like a log --
He took two million bucks for his fee.
--- Phil Cannibal P9001
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