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And then there was Sunday in France; Well fuck it! I'm taking my chance. The sight of my ruby wet lips The Bismarck, a fine battleship, They called her a prude, it is true; Beneath that facade she was rude; When the A.J.L. gentleman begs, That is why you go out in the dark, Myfanwy! Don't dilly and dally; I hope that Myfanwy turns up Good grief Jeezus, it's now minus two, Myfanwy? A picnic out in the moonlight; I'll not bite, I will just lick They called her a prude, that is true. Most gals like a wee bit of class; To a party, a man from Toledo Also there, from down near Escondido, Sweet Bess was a gal with the best But there's good news for you on this topic. A perverted young dude on a bench Said the girl to the dude, "You've got guts! I wish men engaged in courtship, I like blaming things on you guys, In my trousers is a brightly glowing rod; The rod in my pocket glows brightly; I was looking, (while in bed with Claire) My desire was more than an ember, My sweetest delectable Julie, You lecher! You bounder! You rake! Well if you don't fancy our Pete, I'm surrounded by lechers and rakes, You may well be right 'bout the fakin', Ah Sem, You have dealt me a blow; I'd not want to be such a dork Seven-eights is a mightly slim screw Even more than the length, it's the heft Now John, I would love to have sex Those words I find utterly wrenching. I'm saddened and somewhat offended; A stud who was totally buff, She looked at him straight in the eye, There once was a fellow named Bond I went up to this chick in red, There once was a young man from Borneo, I answered the phone for you, dear. There was a young laddie named Baily, Her feet tapped to the sound of the fiddle; "Jump into my bed", I implored, A silly young thing of Pilockery, A young teacher from far-off Bombay I'm just living the life of a monk; There was a young lad at the lake, My hand gently ran across her skin A lesbian living in Klondike Said a straitlaced Bostonian lass, An obnoxious young fellow named Freddie There was a young man from Belle Isle, There was a young lady name Jo, I noticed that old lady Ruth Said a middle-aged housewife named Pratt, I never have had Miss Defauw, Young Robert on meeting Monique There was a young lady from Foster; I thought about humping Bert's daughter, 'Twas quarter past four in the morn,
I thought I was in with a chance.
Remember we kissed
And you didn't resist
But you laughed at my trouser advance.
--- Peter Wilkins
Get naked and rip off your pants.
Just cut out the crap
And come sit on my lap,
And I'll give you a taste of romance.
--- Peter Wilkins
And some of his composure slips.
He wants it so bad,
He feels iron-clad.
"Let's Play 'Sink the Bismarck'" he quips.
--- Anon
And as for the site of those lips,
We're happy to play
Torpedo's away;
Let's watch it explode on your hips.
--- Anon
But demure, she answered on cue:
"I'd rather respond
To a subtle come-on,
Than to walk up and say, 'Hey, let's screw!"
--- Anon
She had thoughts which were vulgar and crude.
But her innocent eyes
Belied dampness of thighs,
And the fact she'd been recently screwed.
--- Peter Wilkins A
Ladies squawk like they're laying square eggs;
He's got to be blunt,
And emphatically grunt:
"Come here bitch! Lie down! Spread your legs!"
--- Allen Wolverton
Taking long lonely walks in the park,
Up and down every trail
On the hunt for some tail
From those females, four-footed that bark!
--- Goin2later
Just run that half-mile up the valley
From Llanfairpwligwyn...
To the Sheep Shearer's Inn;
I'll be waiting for you in the alley.
--- Peter Wilkins
For I'm itching to fondle and cup
Her sweet titties and nips,
Feel the curve of her hips
And up-end her to give her a tup.
--- Peter Wilkins
In this alley; Myfanwy I'll scold
If she doesn't turn up
Very soon for a tup,
'Fore the forstbite takes serious hold.
--- Peter Wilkins
And my things turning purple and blue.
If I don't get a boff
Soon, my nuts will fall off.
But hark! Myfanwy! That you?
--- Peter Wilkins
It's a little lost lambkin; how sweet.
For a screw, little ewe,
So brace yourself now for a treat.
--- Peter Wilkins
We'll drink a few beers; not get tight.
You won't need a nickel
To taste of this pickle,
But promise me that you won't bite.
--- Anon
Your pickle and make it slick.
It will make you moan
And shout and groan,
And then I will ride that joystick.
--- Anon
Demurely she answered, "Fuck you...
If you want to make out,
Don't act like a lout,
By saying, "Hey baby, let's screw!'"
--- Bluebird TP9806
They tend to recoil when you're crass.
If you want to make out,
Don't act like a lout,
Or say things like, "Baby, nice ass!"
--- Bluebird TP9806
Went, wearing no more than a Speedo.
With a drink in his cup
And his periscope up,
He sought subdebs he could torpedo.
--- Anon
Was a man with the opposite credo.
He preferred to use taste,
Not because he was chaste,
But you get more tail while in a tuxedo.
--- Anon
Pair of knockers I've seen on a chest.
So taking a chance
I lowered my pants,
But dammit, she wasn't impressed.
--- Tiddy Ogg
If you voyage down south of the Tropic
Of Capricorn, they've
Girl pygmies who crave
The feel of a prick microscopic.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Offered to do something French.
The girl, she said "Now?
"You don't even know how."
He just smiled and pulled out a wrench.
--- Anon
Your offer is tempting me but
Your knowledge of women
Just leaves my head swimmin'.
Do you think that my nipples are nuts?"
--- Anon
Instead of this shot from the hip:
"Hey, Babe, wanna screw?"
Geez, guys! Get a clue!
The lust without love is a gyp!
--- Anon
From warts to the size of my thighs.
I think you're right, too,
And more than a few
Sex partners lose out on the prize.
--- Anon
I love to talk about my bod.
But in bars it won't work;
I'm considered a jerk,
And sometimes considerably odd.
--- Anon
I offer to showcase it nightly.
They point and they stare,
'Cause it's covered in hair.
From now on, I'll use Rogain more lightly!
--- Anon
At "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire."
I turned and asked, "Sex?"
Which she quickly rejects,
Covering up her big derriere.
--- David Miller
She'd been saying "Non!" since December;
"If still no, I intend
To phone a lady-friend!"
And that's the last thing I remember.
--- David Miller
I love you etc. most truly;
I hope you don't mind
That your lovely behind,
Is the cause of my member unruly.
--- Peter Wilkins
How dare you makes eyes at my shak-
Ing, scantily clad,
Derriere? You cad!
My brolly shall make your head ache!
--- Julie Arbuthnot
My epee you'll find hard to beat.
I've whetted my sword,
Just so I get onboard,
And wiggle your bare country seat.
--- Ericka
All waving their big one-eyed snakes!
It's too much of a whirl!
I'm an innocent girl!
I'm afraid I don't have what it takes.
--- Ericka
This is file wjl
But in one thing, I think you're mistaken.
It's surely the rakes
That have what it takes,
While you got what's doing the takin'!
--- Sem
I'm floored by the lim you let go.
You say that the rakes
Have got what it takes...
Does this mean that you think I'm a ho'?
--- Ericka
As to use such pejorative talk,
'Bout a gal I don't know';
I can't call you a ho'.
But we could share a nice garden fork?
--- Sem
For a beauty as nifty as you.
Do you think that my bolt
And nuts like a colt
At two and a quarter, might do?
--- John Miller
Of the metal engaging your cleft.
My american fine,
Will not doubt align
With your metric, unless it turns left.
--- John Miller
With a stud like you, down in Tex-
As. But I don't dare
For your nuts are square
Amd my socket only fits hex.
--- Ericka
You mean there is no way of clenching
My tool at the tip,
With your famous lock-grip,
While your fine six-point box gets a drenching?
--- John Miller
You don't want your socket distended,
By nuts that are square.
Do you have a spare
Ajustable? Slip? Open-ended?
--- John Miller
Thought he would strut his tough stuff.
He leered at the girl,
Who thought him a churl,
And asked if she's getting enough.
--- Ogni Gioia
This creep who belonged in a sty,
And said, "An I.Q.
Of at least one or two
Is needed, so please don't apply!"
--- Ogni Gioia
Who propositioned a good-looking blonde.
But she said, "No such luck.
Just go fuck a duck."
So he did. Now he lives near the pond.
--- Michael Weinstein P8610
And requested her presence in bed.
She whipped out her mace,
Sprayed it in my face,
And kicked me right in the head.
--- Dylan Van Seegopaul
Who said to his girl friend, "Why scorn me so?
I may run around bare
Covered only with hair,
But have you had a guy near as horny? No!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
The message was, "Is the coast clear?"
I'd call the Coast Guard,
You big tub of lard,
But I want you to just disappear.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who met a nice lass at a ceilidh. (Irish social gathering)
Hard to understand,
He sat and held her hand;
She was there from Haifa, an Israeli.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
She jiggled as if on a griddle.
Can I take you home?
She said, hair she must comb,
And Shalom as she left in the middle.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
While I was as stiff as a board;
But no answer I see
To my desperate plea.
Now it seems I've been sorely ignored.
--- Peter Wilkins
Was asked to make love in a rockery.
She said, "It's not nice
Amid edelweiss,
In fact it's no more than a mockery.
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims
Turned down a request for a lay,
Nicely couched in a note,
Wherein the fellow who wrote,
Had spelled "intercoarse" with an "a".
--- Isaac Asimov
I can't get the guys here to boink.
It's just as I fear;
To get noticed here
Must a gal curl her tail and say "Oink!"?
--- Anon
Too obviously out on the make.
He would've done better
If he'd hustled by letter --
No lassie would give him a shake.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
And the idea came to me to sin.
So I kissed her lips
And then touched her hips.
The docs say I'll not walk ever again.
--- A S BAIN
Was known about town for her blonde dike.
When a man in great heat
Offered her his sex, neat,
She said, "Nuts to squares, and your fronde, Ike."
--- Grand Prix Lim 961
"I don't mind a polite sort of pass.
But that dreadful old bore
Took me for a whore,
And offered one buck for my ass!"
--- Edward Leer
Tried to get in the pants of Miss Hedy.
But she told him "You twit!
I don't think you'll fit.
There's one asshole in there already!"
--- Karen B
Who said to his girl, "If you'll, I'll."
"I'm willing," said she,
"But first I must see
How you look as I walk down the aisle."
--- John Ciardi
Who always said, "Thank you, but no,"
Which is poised and polite,
But never does quite
As well as, "Sure, Buster, let's go."
--- John Ciardi
Is getting quite long in the tooth.
When offered a shag,
The feisty old hag
Told me she would rather a douche.
--- SFA
"Can you damned men think only of That?
Put it back in your pants!"
"So much for romance,"
Said her husband, "Go shit in your hat!"
--- John Ciardi
But it wouldn't have been quite so raw,
If she'd only said "No"
When I wanted her so;
But she didn't; she laughed and said "Naw!"
--- L0024
Tried out his new wooing technique;
He chatted her up
With a "Fancy a tup?"
And got belted from here to next week.
--- Peter Wilkins
Some say that she was an imposter.
She poked an old guy
With a fist in the eye.
He shouldn't have tried to accost her.
--- Aussie Owl
And so by the dumplings I caught her.
She yells, "I refuse!"
So desperate, I screws
Away on the pumpkin I bought her.
--- Tiddy Ogg
When I woke with a stiffening horn.
"Do you fancy a whirl?"
I remarked to my girl.
"Oh, fuck off", she replied so forlorn.
--- Anon
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