There was a young lad from Bahrain
Who prayed to the heavens for rain,
For he'd squirted his goo
All over his shoe,
And he couldn't get rid of the stain.
--- Peter Wilkins

To please him, she shaved her locks off;
Said "Screw me and come! Get your rocks off!".
He ripped off his clothes
But she covered her nose,
As he tore his old favorite socks off.
--- Ardens

She couldn't get over the smell;
Held her nose, and said "What the hell!
I'll do my part!"
And then blew out a fart!
We both stink , so now I can't tell!"
--- Arden

A beautiful young lady sues
Nike, the makers of shoes.
She tripped over a lace,
Causing hurt to her face.
Now she awaits her compensation dues.
--- Harihari Subramanian

A centipede from Syracuse
Played 2nd base for the Blues.
He was two hours late
Reporting to the plate,
After tying all of his shoes.
--- Bob Polecat

You women, I fear it's bad news,
I do not like feminist views;
My ideal for feet
Is a broad who's in heat
And too horny to take off her shoes.
--- Ed Potts P8802a

The army of Mexico goes
Into battle with naught on their toes.
Miguel stopped their boos
With an issue of shoes,
So they cheered him with "Viva Zapatos!"
--- Fred Cohen P8412

The best kind of shoes that I like
To use in the pluggin' of dykes
Are those worn by duffers
With toe-shielding scuffers,
And grippers on bottom called spikes.
--- Anon

What companies make wooden shoes?
Where does the wood come from? And whose?
What kind is the best
To carve out and test,
Or for making the comfort that soothes.
--- Matthew Montchalin

Is it hazelwood, cherry, or oak,
Or something else, if I mispoke,
That makes a good shoe
Like rubbery glue,
Lest pebbles get through and then poke.
--- Matthew Montchalin

A good story is probably there,
Of wooden shoes fashioned so fair,
Of buying and cutting,
Of nailing and shutting,
And bossing them, so I would swear.
--- Matthew Montchalin

And marketing, making the sale,
And trafficing them by mail.
For demand must be high,
To sell and to buy
Shoes made of wood bound by the nail.
--- Matthew Montchalin

The only material that's good
To tailor a "klomp" for your foot,
That's less likely to split
And handmade for good fit,
Is knot free and dry willow wood.
--- Matthew Montchalin

Though custom-made will cost you more,
Never buy these "klompen" at the store.
They are made for tourists
But the locals and purists
Reject them -- your feet soon get sore.
--- Matthew Montchalin

What prices do "klompen" command?
Much higher when they're made by hand?
Or higher depending
On steaming and bending
And fitting with belts and a band.
--- Matthew Montchalin

What is it that costs people more,
The markups when sold at the store,
Or lifespans that last
Or things solid brass,
Or salesmen you meet at the door?
--- Matthew Montchalin

An authoress, living at Trim,
Possessed a remarkable whim.
She wore a large bonnet
When writing a sonnet;
A helmet when writing a hymn.
--- Explosion of Lims P0104

How funny she'd look with your hat
Hanging down from her titties like that!
A fez or beret
Might not get in the way,
But a fedora would cover her mat.
--- Anon

In Germany a girl name of King,
Who was grown up and taking a fling,
She wanted a chance
At a great romance
But hated wearing the same dirndl thing.
--- Tom Patton P0206

"Husband Abdul won't take off his fez.
(At least, that is what Abdul says.)
But this asinine headgear
'S not my kind of bed-gear,
So, Your Honor, that's why I'm a Lez!"
--- Robin K Willoughby P8407

One night when a sheikh from the East
Met the Bey of Rabat for a feast,
He said, "It's a shame
That I don't know your name,
But the fez is familiar at least."
--- A N Wilkins P8407

There once was a gay caballero
Who was losing his loot playing faro.
He vowed he would eat
His hat, were he beat --
Have you ever tried french-fried sombrero?
--- Dean Walley P9007

If you've studied the old diplomats
And also the aristocrats,
The exceptions are few,
It is bound to be true,
The virtuous wear the white hats.
--- VOL 11

There was an old person of Fratton,
Who would go to Church with his hat on.
"If I wake up", he said,
"With my hat on my head,
I shall know that it hasn't been sat on."
--- Archie

There was an old person of Fratton,
Who would go to church with his hat on.
"When I wake up", he said,
"With my hat on my head,
I shall know that it hasn't been sat on."
--- Anon

There once was a greasy sombrero
On top of a fat caballero.
It emitted a reek
From its brim to its peak,
That would leave a skunk gasping for air-o!
--- P K Harvey

An eager old eunuch from Durban
Kept all of his goods in a turban,
Including his dick,
Where it played him a trick,
When his spirits got high on some burbon.
--- Carl Ludvig P0207

"I dreamt I walked down the street at
High noon wearing nothing," said Pat,
"Except a chapeau.
What embarrassed me so
Was that it was last season's hat."
--- A N Wilkins P8312

A friend looked like a jerk in
His yarmulka made of a merkin.
He said, "I don't care,
I like pubic hair,
And it's fine to wear to work in!"
--- Domin8r

There once was a woman so natty,
Who loved to drive people quite batty.
She would walk in the wind
And lose her hat pin.
You guessed it, her name was Miss Hattie!
--- Mary Anne Lizzi P9302

The Muslims who dwell in Suez
Wear hats that were fashioned in Fez.
I doubt that you care
What headress they wear,
But that's what my lexicon says.
--- R J Winkler P8407

There once was a man of small size
Whose hat came down over his eyes.
Said he, "So who cares
If I bump into chairs?
The hat make a perfect disguise!"
--- Norman Storer P0401

There was a Young Person in red,
Who carefully covered her head,
With a bonnet of leather,
And three lines of feather,
Besides some long ribbons of lead.
--- Anon

This is file vlm

There was a young lad name of Nat,
Who upon his head put a hat.
It had many rubber jinglers,
And glow-in-the-dark fingers.
He got it at the Pink Pussycat.
--- Anon

A cocksman, retired from St. Pauls,
Now claims that the best screw of all
Doesn't wear a brassiere
And blow in his ear--
It's for hanging his hat on the wall.
--- Norm Storer P9508

There was a young fellow named Matt,
Who said he'd not be seen in a hat.
He came back from Timor,
His head covered in straw;
His friends looked quite amazed. What is that?
--- Arthur Pattaffy

There was a young lady of Wales,
Who wore her hair back in two tails,
And the hat on her head,
That was striped black and red,
Was studded with ten-penny nails.
--- Anon

There was a young lady of Durban
Who insisted on wearing a turban.
When asked why she wore it,
She said, "I adore it;
I'm weary of fashions suburban."
--- Anon

In Texas, the men wear a hat,
So big, it is fatter than fat.
To make the thing fit,
They must fill it with shit,
And in Texas, the men do just that!
--- Dave Canfield A

If I kept it under my hat
My hat would be right where I sat.
(Would you move your tam?
Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am!)
I'd look really silly like that.
--- Anon

There was a lass named Charlene
Who met with a Scotsman in Aberdeen.
Feeling no guilt
She looked under his kilt,
And was amazed at what could be seen!
--- Bridget W. Curran

Proudly to her he did show
Bagpipes where his willy should go.
But she fainted dead away
When she heard him say,
"Will ye no gi' it a wee blow?"
--- Bridget W. Curran

I'm packing my kilt and my sporran
And flying to cities quite foreign.
Been gargling so
That my accent won't show,
For it helps with the r's in g'morrrrrrn.
--- Anon

I'm packing my dirk and my sabre
And saying farewell to my neighbor,
Sweet Katie's young mater.
I'll miss her, but later
I'll phone her while tossing my caber.
--- Anon

There was a young blade from near Youghal,
Who found he had only one ball.
Obsessed by his wants,
He discarded his pants.
With kilts he is now loved by all.
--- Linda Marsh Coll

There was a young laddie whose kilt
Had a strange sort of angular tilt.
For beneath it he kept
A large ferret which slept
In a nest he had specially built...
--- Anon

...By using his thick pubic hair,
Which he knitted with infinite care,
So his ferrety pet
Could keep out of the wet
And the rain and the sleet around Ayr.
--- Anon

Once he hid a mongoose by mistake.
Not enough care did the poor kid take.
The new pet left his nook
As you guess he mistook
The young laddie's pole for a snake.
--- Anon

Even I won't keep cats in my kilt;
Though the jockstrap has never been built
To protect from that kind;
I don't mind if I find
A vixen or two 'neath my quilt.
--- Anon

Id say that there isn't much chance
Of me losing the means of romance.
It don't take much brains
To know one should take pains
To keep animals out of ones pants.
--- Anon

'Neath the kilts of the Winnipeg Pipers,
They wear, I suspect, furry diapers,
'Cause at twenty below
They need something, you know,
To keep off the frost from Old Priapus.
--- Hugh Oliver 79b

No bagpipes, I hope, for their skirl
Makes even my testicles curl.
If so I'll go bare
'Neath the kilt I shall wear,
Should they need an emergency twirl.
--- Anon

There once was a Scotsman, well built.
His skirt was an old worn-out quilt.
But a hole in the middle
Solved the big riddle;
The Scots are bare-ass 'neath their kilt!
--- Laurence Craft

(For this one I'm gonna feel guilty.)
It depends upon how one is built, Re:
The large require skirts,
While a kilt is for squirts,
And I'd rather you'd skirt me than kilt me.
--- Anon

A hard-on that wilts? Oh no please!
I'm begging you, down on my knees.
Please take off the kilt
'Tis for boxers you're built
For I just think that they take the cheese!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

It's boxers you think take the cheese?
Some guys in jockeys will please
The gals who do look,
But boxers I took,
To let my "boys" swing in the breeze.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Two things about wearing a kilt:
It's definitely handily built
For fucking a lass,
But a breeze up the ass
Makes a hardon rapidly wilt.
--- MrMalo a

I once met a Scotsman named Milt
And asked what was under his kilt.
Upon lifting his skirt,
Found a budgie named Bert
Who was stuffing his pecker with millet.
--- Anon

The thing about wearing a kilt,
It tends to reveal how you're built.
If she brushes her arm
Across the alarm,
The sporran lights up and says "Tilt!"
--- Bill Wall

A Scot I knew was named MacGraber,
Beneath his kilt wielded a caber,
Supported by stones
Which would fair break your bones.
This affair was much more like hard labor.
--- Annie Jay

Said a Scot in a kilt in Dundee,
"My wife wears her slacks constantly.
And with my long hair,
And her scalp almost bare,
They can't tell the he from the she!"
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

In July I ordered the kilt.
'Twould be sixty days 'fore 'twas built.
Now it's been half a year,
And it still isn't here.
The shopkeeper's feeling no guilt!
--- Liam na Beag

Now is that a skirt or a kilt?
Depends on just how they are built.
A blanket with pleats
Lets check out the treats;
Peek under without any guilt.
--- Anon

In the summer, the caber he hurled,
And in the winter he curled,
When his knobby knees
Often would freeze,
As around him his Campbell kilt swirled.
--- Thomas A Ratliff P0308

There was a man from Cowdenbeath
Who walked about on Hampstead Heath.
He was very well built,
So he wore a loose kilt
And displayed what he had underneath.
--- Chris Youth

The lass asked the Scotsman in ardor,
What's worn 'neath your kilts, I wonder?
Not to be caught,
The Scotsman said, "Aught,
It's aw' in fine working order!
--- Anon

A Scotsman out pushing his mower
Was arrested and told to mow slower.
The kilt, if you please,
Nicely hangs to your knees.
But your foreskin? It hangs even lower.
--- Anon