While exploring with Captain James Cook
He gave me an old-fashioned look.
He said: "Hello Sailor!
Tell me, who's your tailor?
It must be that nice man, Tim Brooke".
--- Kevin Hale Q

She gushed, "Your new garb is much better.
I must feel your fine threads." So he let her.
Then she fondled Lord Cardigan
Till his charger got hard again,
And he opened much more than his sweater.
--- David Finely P9704

Said Gert, "You disgusting old chap, Jack!
Whatever you have in that gap, Jack,
Is far from appealing
And not worth the feeling,
So button your trouser-front flap, Jack.
--- Peter Wilkins

"Oh do hang it UP!" Mum will roar
As I drop my old coat on the floor.
So I try, but I frown,
For it always hangs DOWN
When it's put on the hook on the door.
--- Funfax Limericks

Genealogist, J Random Oates,
While researching the Tailors from Stoats,
Discovered their charms
Lay not in their Arms,
But are found in the arms of their coats.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0211

An important young man of Quebec,
Had to welcome the Duchess of Teck.
So he bought for a dollar
A very high collar,
To save himself washing his neck.
--- J H Pitman

A goose-pimpled fellow named Farkas
Would always wear heavy fur parkas;
His great fear, so he said,
Was to die out of bed,
Both balls frozen hard on his carcass.
--- Armand E Singer 994

There was a grave digger from Barnes
Whose clothes were all covered in darns.
He'd dug fewer holes
In his life, for poor souls,
That his sweater had under the arms.
--- Michael Palin

A youth bought his first suit from a tailor;
He wanted to impress his new jailer.
The suit was impressive;
Swear words were excessive;
He's told to join the crew of a whaler.
--- Arthur Pattaffy Q

A hefty young lass in her teens
Wore a pair of too-tight denim jeans.
Said a well-meaning friend,
"You'd better not bend."
But she did, and you know what that means...
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

There was a young girl of renown
Who'd stroll through the streets in her gown,
Constructed of leather
And resistant to weather;
It forced her to screw lying down.
--- Big Little Playoy Lims

The fellow that live on West Nichols,
Are forever scratching their testicles,
For a tailor at Wallachs
Likes to fit young men's bollocks
Into trousers so tight that the "dress" tickles.
--- G2743

Now, when you go out on a binge, Les,
I'm sure that the fellows would cringe less
If your Brooks Brothers suit
Were a little less cute--
You know, less lace, dear, and fingeless.
--- G2676

In summer the girls look more hip.
You can get a much better grip
On all those fine lasses
With soft moist crevasses;
Less layers of clothing to strip.
--- Dirruk

Two high wire walkers named Groat
Took a tumble, the newspapers note.
Though HE died in the fall
SHE was not hurt at all,
For she had on her light fall coat.
--- Bob Giandomenico P8712

In South Wales where the turf runs to boggy,
Lived a wise wizened fellow, Sean Cloggy.
When it rained, he would tog
Up in his London Fog,
Since it's better to be safe than soggy.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0208

While lying there flat on her back,
As I hammered away at her crack,
She said, "Boy, you're so good,
But I'm wondering - would
You remove that ridiculous mac?"

(macintosh - a heavy woolen coat)
--- Peter Wilkins

I continued to hammer away,
And said, "Woman, I told you today;
When I'm through with your muff,
I'll shoot fountains of stuff
And the mac is protection from spray."
--- Peter Wilkins

The miniskirt worn by Miss Kress
Is the world's shortest mini, I guess.
She sat down once in school
On a fresh-painted stool,
Yet got up with no paint on her dress.
--- Thomas A Quinine P8303 A

There once was an old man of Brest,
Who was always funnily dressed;
Who wore gloves on his nose,
And a hat on his toes,
And a boot in the middle of his chest.
--- Cosmo Monkhouse

There was an old lady of Lincoln
Who made a considerable stink on
The subject of furs,
For that young niece of hers
Had run off with naught but a mink on.
--- Anon

Said a gentle old man, "I suppose
I ought not to wear my best clothes.
But what can I do?
I only have two,
And these are no better than those."
--- Anon

There once was a teacher named Jean;
To her first period class, she was mean.
Her egg hadn't hatched --
Her clothes never matched --
Who else would wear orange and green.
--- Da Brat

Should Sweet Alice invite you to dine,
Or Dorothy her ruby slippers to shine,
Politely decline!
Remember, Einstein,
Girls in pinafores aren't always benign.
--- Lynn Mostafa

There was a young lady of Nantes,
Who lived with a miserly aunt.
When asked to a ball,
Said, "I've no clothes at all.
I must borrow the plumes of my tante."
--- S Littman G0409

A pensioner from down in Galveston
Once answered the door with her vest on.
Her caller, the Rector,
Said, "Dear Mrs Nector,
For goodness sake, please put the rest on."
--- Anon

There was a young fellow named Scripps
Who removed all his pockets from hips,
Because what he'd handled
(And shamelessly dandled)
Had burst through a hundred good zips.
--- David A Brooks Q

Said a gaily-garbed guy, "It appears
My attire is causing loud jeers,
Ever since, in pursuit
Of a seersucker suit
At Cox's, I wound up at Sears."

(Wilkins Rule - A limerick is not improved by explaining it)
--- Bob Giandomenico P9411

"Your shorts are too short!" yelled Miss Dees.
"But why?" I replied. "Tell me, please."
She answered with shock,
"Because your huge cock
Is visible well past your knees."
--- Travis Brasell

But your shorts aren't short enough, lass;
I can't see the cheeks of your ass,
Or stray pubic hair,
Enticing me there.
You'd best take them off, or I'll pass.
--- Tiddy Ogg

There once was a beauty of note
Who went nude in her home just to gloat.
But when she went out
Around and about,
She would put on her shoulder-length coat.
--- Don Moore P9703

A man once decided to test
The shrinkage of his woolen vest.
It was washed in hot water
And it shouldn't oughter--
That's why it's halfway up his chest.
--- Spike Mulligan

She strode like a graceful giraffe;
Her long skirt had a slit up one half.
Every step that she took
Attracted a look,
From the boys as she showed off her calf.
--- Friar TP9804

This is file vjm

The next day she wore a hem high,
And the boys, they could all see her thigh.
It was not too concealing;
Extremely revealing.
They ogled and let out a sigh.
--- Friar TP9804

A day later, (now this may seem blunt)
Her short skirt had a slit up the front!
As she walked through the door,
They all ogled galore,
But she had on the skirt, back-to-front.
--- Friar TP9804

A guy in a Colchester street
Gave all of the girlies a treat;
He walked in a store
And all that he wore
Was a sock... and that weren't on his feet.
--- Tiddy Ogg

I doubt if this bloke could be Pete;
An ordinary sock wouldn't meet
The required dimension
Of his penile extension,
Without causing many a pleat.
--- Tiddy Ogg

It might have been me, after all,
For dammit, I cannot recall,
Despite allegations,
My somnabulations,
Unless I wake up in the mall.
--- Peter Wilkins

But it can't be me, I sleep jockless,
And always assuredly sockless;
Though visiting China's
More elegant diners,
I rarely, if ever, go wokless.
--- Peter Wilkins

To a spinster who lived in a shanty
Cried her nephew, "Your clothes are so scanty!
Each year a worse mess!
So I've brought a new dress
To restore the dear status quo auntie."
--- Norm Storer

At the Pizza Hut menu she beams;
Calories out the window, it seems.
"Hey, I just had a thought --
Can eat more than I ought,
'Cause I'm wearing my stretch denim jeans!"
--- Val Burns P0608

I once had an outfit of leather,
But I thought that suede was much better.
So I bought me a jacket,
But I couldn't hack it,
Because it tickled my tits like a feather.
--- Bobby

A salad, they say, was the root
Of Adam and Eve's first dispute,
For he was unnerved
When the greens that she served
Included his best Sunday suit.
--- A N Wilkins P8312

My girlfriend had put on my sweater,
The one with my big high school letter.
It then seemed to me
And I'm sure you'll agree,
On her it looked quite a bit better.
--- Dr Limerick

I'm selling t-shirts on the net,
With any design you can get.
From XL, down to small,
I've shirts to fit you all;
Buy some, if you've not done so yet.
--- Anon

Ties are silly as heck,
And will never be found 'round my neck.
For despite corporate backing,
Their utility's lacking,
Leastwise the last time I checked...
--- Allen Robel

A rich child, Amelia Holder,
In her tiger-skin coat felt much bolder--
Till a thief, a right mug,
Said, "Cor! Smashin' rug!"
Rolled her up in a bundle and sold her.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1

An explorer by named Simon Fraser,
Consulted his clothing appraiser.
"I need something chic,
For fording a creek.
Here, let me try on this trail blazer."
--- Ogni Gioia

A stylish young chap from Pusan
Took a stroll with umbrella and fan.
New Yorkers, I fear,
Would think he was queer,
But Koreans would call him a man.
--- James Wade P8303

Said a charming young fellow named Steve
(As he wiped off his dick on his sleeve)
"I suppose there are those
Wipe their nose on their clothes;
But they lack the finesse I achieve!"
--- Anon

When the high muck-a-mucks of the state
Found the budget was hard to equate,
They levied a tax
On women in slacks,
In proportion to volume and weight.
--- Lims Unlimited

There once was a wise man named Marvin,
Whose hobby was sulptin' and carvin'.
He sold wooden bow ties,
Which was really quite wise.
It kept carvin' Marvin from starvin'.
--- Anon

There once was a curious guy
Adorned with a wooden bow tie.
And wherever he went,
They said, "He's a gent,
Who pines to be knotty, oh my!
--- Bruce Burchated

Since I rarely wear a coat, I
Invariably do not wear a tie.
But were I to wear one,
Not because I'm your son,
It would for sure be a wooden bow tie.
--- Jim Beloff

A Maine man wore wooden bow ties;
He dead now; they caused his demise.
When his pipe he lighted,
His bow tie ignited
And fried his hide from chin to eyes.
--- Anon

Mary Beloff makes ties in a bow
And with wood there is no need to sew.
Done with chisel and mallet
And a small bit of talent,
So no woe bestows to this pro.
--- Anon

Get a tie you can wear with aplomb,
If of bow ties you have not a qualm.
They're made of light wood,
And look pretty good;
Made to order at
--- S Smith

On Beseck Lake, Marvin went boating,
Attired in best shirt and coating.
When his trusty boat sank,
Marv's mind became blank,
But his wooden bow tie kept him floating.
--- Mark Hamilton

Arlette, wearing a large woolly jumper,
It made her look larger and plumper.
She emphasized certain parts;
She looked like a queen of tarts.
I thought she was wearing a bumper.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

Mother said, "Don't take a chance.
Always wear nice underpants."
Then if I got
Hurt I would not
Be embarrassed in the ambulance.
--- Karen

I own only one pair of panties;
I save them for emergencies.
If I'm a survivor,
I will ask the driver,
"Will you stop for my panties first, please?"
--- Karen

A once-famous gatherer of leeches,
Has taken to combing the beaches,
Where he helps all the aunties
On and off with their panties,
And they help him off with his breeches.
--- L1463

There was an old woman of Wales
Who loved those north-easterly gales.
When the wind was just right,
She stood in the bight,
Till her bloomers they billowed like sails.
--- Marlene McCarty

Believe, if you must, urban rumors,
That only the ladies wear bloomers.
Be they jockeys or scanties,
Or shorts or lace panties,
They're all much the same to consumers.
--- Anon

I steal from the clothes line of Millie
And put on her panties, silk, frilly;
Too bad that they're clean,
But I know where they've been,
And the thought sure excites my old willie.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Dear Butler: My panties are cotton;
Don't see how you could have forgotten
That silk's not my style.
I find rayon vile,
And think nylon panties are rotten.
--- Anon

Perfectionist Butler's, you know,
Remember guest's preferences, so
They come away pleased
And later are seized
By great need to visit once mo'.
--- Anon