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Said the Vicar of Marry-The-Bun, A booze-loving nympho, Cherie, Although she collected no fee, There was a fair lady from Bangor, A young vicar from old Inverness We thought him an absolute lamb; The vicar's binoculars are There was a vinicolous Vicar, (vinicolous - growing in or on wine)
A girl with a very big bust, The vicar of Burton-on-Trent I've heard of a vicar from Usk Do you know of the vicar from Usk That unlucky old vicar from Usk; When wearied with lurid affairs, The day that the Vicar got drowned, Young wives meet inside the Church Hall, She threw a party last fall After the guests had all left, I'll try again next spring "Some cucumber sandwiches, vicar?" "But vicar...the Devil's own brew...?" "But vicar, for years I have been "But vicar..." "You're fired, you old bag." "Oh jeeze; this is blackmail, you cow." "Forgive me my trespasses, Yes!" I'm having a secret affair ..."Sweet Jesus, I know this is mad, An indolent vicar of Bray, An indolent vicar of Bray I've given up verses perverted; The vicar rushed off for a funeral, A wrinkled old bawd named McGee, Well, I'll tell, and mind not who bickers; The vicar in his tracks did freeze, The vicar, his knees feeling numb, There was a young vicar named Croft If he played in the nave;
Or that he might falter, Samantha from Milford-on-Sea, Sam said: "You may certainly not! He put down his cup of Earl Grey; "Dear Bishop," the Vicar began, "Dear Stanley," the Bishop wrote back, "Oh Bishop," the Vicar replied, "Dear Bishop," the Vicar asserted, "Dear Stanley," the Bishop confessed, There was a young vicar named Jock She took off the underpants clerical, "Although I am circular here, She burst into laughter once more She shouted out, "Look what I've found!" The commotion attracted a crowd Then producers and camera crews The vicar looked up from his cock And now I have got your attention Remember the vicar called Jock He said, "Now my teaching's begun; The fact that he preached onanism, The People, the Press, and TV "In order I don't make a loss," He passed 'round a bucket or three, "Now fondle your spherical root!" Next day in a town far away, The vicar said "Pray to the Lord," He then left the church and the pulpit, True, reverends should please trim their words, In January, which is cold and wet, February is a short month, and ought
"Do not think that my sermon is done,
For it has many heads
As in Bedlam are beds,
With a rattled idea in each one."
--- Chamber of Horrors P0501
Went 'round to the preacher's for tea.
She tossed back her liquor,
The tossed off the vicar,
And left, not collecting a fee.
--- Roger Baker
You will find that Cherie isn't free;
The cost will be borne,
By pus on your horn,
And mind-numbing pain when you pee.
--- David Miller
Who drove young men frantic with anger,
By going to matins
In see-through white satins,
Till the Vicar was forced to harangue her.
--- Anon
Gave his sermon one day in a dress.
Not a kilt as you'd think,
But a nice thing in pink,
High heels and a pair of false breasts.
--- Anon
But when he sat down in the jam,
On taking his seat
At our Sunday school treat,
We all heard our Vicar say "Damn!"
--- Bob Birch P9806
Deployed through a door kept ajar.
Like many old boys,
The vicar enjoys
VICARIOUS sex from afar.
--- Nick
Unduly addicted to liquor;
He said, "There's no sin
In whiskey or gin--
The spirit thus enters much quicker."
--- Harold C Bibby
Went to the church vicar in trust.
She said she felt urges
And powerful surges;
The Father said a sample's a must.
--- Bellal
Told his flock why they had to repent.
But the shalts, shouldsts and oughtsts
That enrobed all his thoughts
Made it hard to see quite what he meant.
--- Martin Guy
Whose wife had an elephant's tusk.
He drilled it and soon
She emitted a tune;
She's gone to Newcastle to busk. (dress up festively)
--- Doug Harris(M Palin)P0505
Whose wife grew an elephant's tusk?
With her flattering ivory,
She's gone all Godivary,
And he's horny from dawn until dusk.
--- Doug Harris(M Palin)P0505
His wife grew an elephant's tusk,
With an obvious flaw
It was hard to ignaw,
Now she's living on warm milk and rusk.
--- Doug Harris(M Palin)P0505
I take my leave, quite unawares,
To some holy place
That no one can trace
And taste vicars' wives pubic hairs.
--- Travis Brasell
Just a floating dog-collar was found;
He's a watery Vicar,
With a one legged knicker,
And frilly attachments all round.
--- Kenny Everitt P0506
Few heeding the vicar's loud call.
For a big mother's union,
Though he's been in communion
With ladies of a number not small.
--- Donald McGill
Much to the delight of us all
She served lots of gin,
Then proceeded to sin
With the Vicar, the choir and all.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
She was feeling herself quite bereft.
She said with a sigh,
The Vicar was high
And the Choir with men was not blessed.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
A joyous gleeful fling
One with less Gin
And I hope much more sin
With a male, quartet to sing.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Smiled spinster Miss Emily Whicker,
"I've got some Earl Grey
In the kitchen..." "No way,"
Growled the vicar, "Just give me some liquor."
--- Peter Wilkins
"Oh for God's, you simpering do-
Gooder; always so grim
And self-righteously prim...
You can stuff those damn sandwiches too."
--- Peter Wilkins
A parishoner active and keen."
"Well I'm sick of your spying
And poling and prying,
While keeping my vicarage clean."
--- Peter Wilkins
"But I won't tell a soul 'bout that mag
Or those video clips,"
She said, baring her nips,
"If you promise to give me a shag."
--- Peter Wilkins
"Yes I know; if you don't then I vow
To let everyone know
What a perv you are, so...
Are you going to fuck me right now?"
--- Peter Wilkins
Said the vic in great cassock distress.
"Oh my dearest Miss Whicker..."
"Get on with it, vicar..."
(And there we should leave them, I guess.)
--- Peter Wilkins
With the wife of the vicar. Aware
That it's morally wrong
To be screwing my dong,
She recites, sott-voz, this prayer...
--- Peter Wilkins
But Oh Lord, I have never been had
By my husband this way;
Please forgive me I pray,
But I just cannot stop being bad."
--- Peter Wilkins
Spent before he withdrew, one fine day.
His wife, more alert,
Got a vaginal squirt,
And said to her spouse, "Let us pray!"
--- L0915
His roses allowed to decay;
His wife, more alert,
Brought a powerful squirt,
And said to her spouse, "Let us spray."
--- Langford Reed (Bibby)
I've now seen the light, I'm converted.
Had tea at the vicar's...
Then saw his wife's knickers,
While climbing the stairs, mini-skirted.
--- Anon
(Let's face it, that job's more remuneral,
Than saving a sinner,"
So soon I was in 'er,
My passion she'd not find impugneral.
--- Anon
Invited the Vicar for tea.
Perhaps it is best
That I not tell the rest,
Besides, I won't tell it for free!
--- Samiyam
McGee opens closet, shows vicars
Shocked eyes, his trophies;
The vicar's wife, Sophie's
Collection of open crotch knickers.
--- Tiddy Ogg
This is file uzm
On eyeing the sights such as these.
For never in his life
He'd suspected his wife
Would dare to be caught in such sleaze.
--- George Watson
Decided that he would play dumb.
"I think 'twas a fart
Tore her britches apart!
No wonders she's such a sore bum!"
--- George Watson
Who played with his organ (and oft).
But afraid of a lapse,
If he played in the apse;
Or the bishop might rave,
--- Big Little Playoy Lims
If too near the altar;
And afraid he'd be whipped,
If he slipped in the crypt;
He transplanted it up to the loft.
--- Big Little Playoy Lims
Invited the vicar to tea.
As they sat side by side
On the sofa, he cried:
"May I put my hand on your knee?"
--- Tiddy Ogg
That's surely a far too low spot.
So sir, I'd prefer
You no longer defer,
And give a good grope to my twat."
--- Tiddy Ogg
He'd found revelation today.
And soon he was creaming...
Their orgasmic screaming
Could be heard all around Christchurch Bay.
--- Tiddy Ogg
"I'm glad I'm no longer a man;
But should I resign
From my mission devine?
Allelujah! Yours faithfully, Stan."
--- Peter Wilkins
"The Lord doesn't care what you lack;
Indeed I confess
You look good in a dress.
Allelujah! Yours faithfully, Jack."
--- Peter Wilkins
"For years I've been trying to hide
My feelings for thee,
But now woman I be.
Allelujah! I'm happy inside."
--- Peter Wilkins
"I'm thinking of how you once flirted
With me as I knelt,
And the passion we felt...
Allelujah! My clit has just squirted!"
--- Travis Brasell
I do like the way that you're dressed;
But frankly, my joys
Are provided by boys;
Allelujah! But hadn't you guessed?"
--- Peter Wilkins
Who had something amiss with his cock.
Said the nurse with a frown,
"Well, you better lie down."
Said the vicar, "Prepare for a shock!"
--- Peter W
Saying ('mid laughter hysterical),
"Vicar, your dong
Looks decidedly wrong;
Unlike others, it's perfectly spherical!"
--- Peter W
And admit that it looks a bit queer,"
Said the vicar, "Down there
I have other things square;
Have you noticed my testicles, dear?"
--- Peter W
As she took a good look at the poor
Vicar's six-sided cubes,
Tucked away in his pubes;
Then she opened the surgury door.
--- Peter W
So her colleagues all gathered around.
And they stared at the vicar's
Odd bits, wet their knickers,
And laughingly fell to the ground.
--- Peter W
Of the public who guffawed aloud
With unbridled delight
At the curious sight
Of the vicar so strangely endowed.
--- Peter W
From the media (TV and News)
Got to hear of the fun
And came at a run,
Just to ask his opinion and views.
--- Peter W
And he said, "I don't care if you mock:
'Cause I've waited, my dears,
For a number of years
To quadruple the size of my flock.
--- Peter W
(My sole and specific intention)
I hope you'll elect
To be part of my sect
And attend my religious convention."
--- Peter W
With his perfectly spherical cock
And his cubical balls?
Well he preached in St. Paul's,
And he cause the archbishop a shock.
--- Peter W
I'll continue until I am done;
And my sermon today
Is that sex is OK;
Even do-it-yourself is quite fun."
--- Peter W
Created one helluva schism.
The bishop implored
Him, "Return to the Lord."
But he said "My religion is jism."
--- Peter Wilkins
Heard his sermon and shouted with glee;
"We believe in you Jock!
Will you play with your cock
And your cubical balls for a fee?"
--- Peter W
Said young Jock, "it's ten dollars a toss.
And I'll need half an hour
Between each milky shower."
And the People cried, "Jock, you're the boss!"
--- Peter W
And they threw in their ten dollar fee;
While his pockets he lined
With a contract he signed
For a "Jack with Jock" show on TV.
--- Peter W
Said the People, "You promised to shoot!"
But he ran from the scene
In a black limousine,
And escaped with the buckets of loot.
--- Peter W
There arrived a young vicar called Ray.
He appeared to be healthy,
Considerably wealthy,
And eager to preach every day.
--- Peter W
Then preached; all the people grew bored.
It seemed he would speak,
For over a week,
And some snored, while others ignored.
--- Anon
His foot stepped in dung - out he pulled it.
His language was choice.
From his boot came a voice,
"Like you, rev, I'm just talking bullshit."
--- Anon
For if longer'n an hour and two thirds,
When homeward en route,
He'll find on his boot
Some smelly and sarcastic turds.
--- Anon
The vicar decided to see the vet.
He took his lapdog, Lucy May
And to the vet said, "Let us spay."
It's plain she will not pregnant get.
--- Frank
To be abolished, the vicar thought.
He sits all alone
On his porcelain throne,
Knows if he leaves, he'll be caught.
--- Frank
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