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In March the dear vicar goes wild,
And each virgin is given a child.
He says that December
Will help them remember
Virgin births, and when they were defiled.
--- Prof M-G

In April, while taking a shower,
The vicar saw what he thought was a flower.
"Let us spray", he declaimed,
And the rose head was aimed
Up his arse, with the maximum power.
--- Prof M-G

In May when the vicar goes nuts,
He considers choir boys and their guts,
While they're kneeling they eat,
'Till they're all quite replete,
While he just attends to their butts.
--- Prof M-G

In June, when sunbathing nude,
The vicar did something quite crude.
Without even a "pardon"
He thrice used his hard on,
Three parishioners say he'll be sued!
--- Prof M-G

The vicar finds he must rely,
On the animals during July,
To obtain his oats;
Sees both sheep and goats,
And visits the pigs in their sty.
--- Prof M-G

August is an awkward month as naught seems to rhyme,
And vicars on holiday, if they have the time.
So come all you sinners,
We will all become winners,
Joining vicars screwing girls in the chorus line.
--- Frank

In autumn, in the month of September,
The vicar tries so, to remember.
The vows that he took,
While holding the Book,
Fail to discourage his member.
--- Prof M-G

The vicar reserves all October,
For trying just once to stay sober.
He knows he will fail,
And the first piece of tail,
He will drunkenly grab, and disrobe her.
--- Prof M-G

How dull and drear the month of November;
The vicar sits holding his member.
To help him to think,
He dips it in ink,
And writes what he needs to remember.
--- Prof M-G

Oh the charm of that voice from the pulpit,
Yet as varied in use as a tool-kit!
What astonishing range!
What power to change!
I would follow that voice through a bull pit!

(Bull shit - McW)
--- Laurence Perrine P8706

Those high Anglican priests were the nadir
Of the sex, for she said it dismayed her,
That the seven just goosed her,
While the rabbi'd seduced her,
And the Catholic fathers all laid her.
--- A N Wilkins P8507

The Walking Apostle of Hope
Extends his right hand, as to grope:
"My ways are infernal,
But hope springs eternal
Who knows? I might be the next Pope!"
--- Anon

The battle of sexes is raging,
And like wine and cheese has been aging.
But, unlike those two,
It is simply not true
That the war improves with it waging.
--- Macsam

There was an old lady of Cheadle,
Who sat down in church on a needle.
The needle, though blunt,
Penetrated her cunt,
But was promptly removed by the beadle.
--- L1147

A pleasant old lady named Tweedle
Went to church; and sat on a needle.
Though deeply imbedded
'Twas luckily threaded
And deftly pulled out by the beadle.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There was an old farmer of Readall,
Who made holes in his face with a needle:
Then went far deeper in,
Than to pierce through the skin,
And strange to say, he was made a beadle.
--- Lewis Carroll

A religious young beadle named Chase
Had a fancy for the female race.
It sorely bereft him
When Faith and Hope left him;
So he journeyed to Rome and found Grace.
--- Ferris T McMilford P8304

He invited the canon to drink.
He drank from a keg by the sink.
As last, fully loaded,
The canon exploded.
The barrel was emptied, I think.
--- Laurence Perrine P8503

There was a vainglorious Canon,
Disdained a mere eucharist fanon;
As mystical host
He used buttered toast,
And flaunted a gaudy gonfanon.

(fanon - religious cloth, gonfanon - lance's war flag)
--- Harold C Bibby

There once was a choleric colonel,
Who used oaths both obscene and infernal;
Till the Chaplin, aghast,
Gave up protest at last,
And just wrote them down in his journal.
--- Anon

There was a young chaplain named Bob
Who said with a tremulous sob,
"The girls all say, 'Try us,'
But I'm so damned pious,
I cannot lay down on the job."
--- Isaac Asimov

There was a researcher named Gill,
Who went for men over the hill.
She found a chaplain called Clive,
Who looked forty-five.
But the dog collar gave her a thrill.
--- Nat Rudolf

There was a young chaplain named Clive,
Whose office was very alive.
He was fond of a drink,
And that's why, I think,
The chapel should not be a dive.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A chaplain who came from Kamloops
Invented a game for the troops,
Which was not too complex
And was more fun than sex,
And was moral when played by large groups.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2633

An archdeacon, arching his brow,
Was milking a baggy old cow,
And pulling a gland
With each clerical hand;
He thought of the hay in the mow.
--- Lims Unlimited

A wayward young lady from Beacon
Was having a talk with the deacon;
After praying at length
For courage and strength,
She said, "I am ready to weaken."
--- Lims Unlimited

There was an Archdeacon of Bristol,
Who murdered nis niece with a pistol.
Said he, "I can't bear
Your absurdly cropped hair,
And your listening-in with a crystal."
--- Punch 1926

There was an abhorrent Archdeacon,
Who loved to find failings to sneak on;
His joy was profound
Whenever he found
A deacon his rancor to wreak on.
--- Harold C Bibby

The deacon, unhappily wed,
Once smuggled a pig into bed.
The prick of the pig
Was what you'd call big,
And it cork-screwed the deacon instead.
--- G1343

A deacon of Tartary-Crim,
Whose notions of fucking were grim,
Used to get lots of fun
Out of stuffing a nun,
With the Sign of the Cross on her quim.
--- G1164

The Bishop refused to ordain
His deacon who could not abstain.
Instead of The Book he
Would worship the nookey
Procured from the choir, his bane.
--- Dick Buenger P8308A

Mused the deacon, in deepest dejection,
As he passed 'round the box for collection:
"If it comes to the worst,
Can a curate be cursed,
Or a rector be wrecked by erection."
--- G1099

In Bend lived a deacon named Croft,
Who played with his organ and oft.
It became such a habit,
It upset the abbot,
So they sent him to play in the loft.
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay

This is file uym

A preacher who preached in Dundee
Related this story to me,
"Twas a girl in the choir
Whose ass was for hire,
But the Deacons could have her for free."
--- Bob Birch P0206

That maiden who lost her virginity
To a lustful D.D. in Divinity.
Was heard to exclaim:
"He's to blame with his claim
That the penis and balls are the Trinity.
--- G1171

All the girlies that live around Clwyd,
Know up in the hills lives a druid,
And he loves to tease,
Till they open their knees,
Then he fills 'em with seminal fluid.
--- Anon

"Hey Girls," said a fellow from Clwyd,
"I've wonderful powers as a druid."
'Twas just an excuse
In order to goose
Them, then fill them with seminal fluid.
--- Anon

There was an Archdeacon who said,
"May I take off my gaiters in bed?"
But the Bishop said "No!
Wherever you go,
You must wear them until you are dead."
--- Explosion of Lims

There was a young lady named Astor
Who first fucked the lads who were faster,
And then business men
And the young lads again,
Then the rabbi, the priest and the pastor.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0967

A witless young girl of Vancouver
Was vague about bedroom maneuver.
So her Sunday School teacher
Made an effort to reach her,
And with faith, persevered to improve her.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1108

From talking to good Pastor Dave,
I now know how God will behave.
He'll rip out your soul
And spit in the hole,
And dump rat feces in your grave!
--- Steve Schrader

Ignore that man, old Pastor Dave;
He forgot that God wants to save
The whole of mankind,
Who are still walking blind,
And ignoring the gifts that he gave.
--- Jon Downie

That Pastor Dave is a twit;
Into Arc-t he don't fit.
His theories are nonsense,
And where is his conscience?
In fact, he's a big hypocrit!
--- Mike Bigg

There was an old prelate of Brittany
Who always went wrong in the Litany.
Exclaimed he: "I can't
Find a suitable chant;
The words somehow don't seem to fit any."
--- Langford Reed

There was a appalling old Prior,
Who was quite an unprincipled liar;
He'd swear black was white,
That daytime was night,
Or heaven was hot as hell-fire.
--- Harold C Bibby

A monastery mason at Muse,
Said, "This site is a sink of abuse;
And as for the Prior,
He'll fry in hell-fire:
His sins are not scarlet, they're puce."
--- Harold C Bibby

There was chrysophilist Rector,
Toward sin, was a sincere objector;
But he never had qualms
About stealing alms--
He claimed as a coinage collector.

(chrysophilist - gold-lover)
--- Harold C Bibby

The rector of West Constipation
Created an awful sensation;
It was often his wont
To jerk off in the font,
And three virgins are far in gestation.
--- G1175

There was a gay Rector of Poole,
Most deservedly proud of his tool.
With some trifling aid,
From the curate, 'tis said,
He rogered the National School.
--- L0559

The sweet young music director
Was a favorite with the rector.
Her name was Morgan;
She played his organ,
And drank of his heavenly nectar.
--- Kaylin

Said the Sally Ann Captain, "How mean!
This, by far, 's the worst rabble I've seen.
Some wine-sodden bum
'S pissed upside the base drum,
And there's barf in my best tambourine!"

(Sally Ann - Salvation Army?)
--- Robin K Willoughby P8707

A Salvation Army gal Joan,
Gave a recluse who lived all alone
A nice honey baked ham,
And he said to her, "Ma'am,
I will eat it and give you the bone."
--- Albin Chaplin

When the sexton shall in a church-close bury
The brilliant, the versatile Rosebery,
We shall say: Never one
Of our statesmen has done
Such deeds as were not done by Rosebery.
--- Punch 1902, Vol 122, p259

There was necrophilous Sexton,
Who had all the parish perplexed. On
The north of the nave
He dug up a grave --
At noon, when there should have been sext on.

(sext - a recitation at twelve noon)
--- Harold C Bibby

Said a whimsical sexton named Hughes
To his summer replacement, "Good news!
You will find, Mister Finch,
That this job is a cinch --
If you just mind your keys and your pews!"
--- Five Line Frolics P0201

There was a young fairy named Birch,
Who developed a taste for the church,
And monks, priests, and preachers.
Such tunicked holy creatures,
Were the uplifted ends of his search.
--- G0533

There was a vile molochite Verger,
Who, paid as a baptismal submerger,
Could see nothing wrong
In submerging too long --
To earn a fresh fee as a dirger.

(molochite - follower of Moloch using human sacrifice)
--- Harold C Bibby

As the verger explored her hot pants,
A Sunday school teacher in Hants
Cried, "I don't think that God
Approves vergers who prod,
But you must now, to quiet my ants!"
--- G1140

A man of the cloth must abstain
From the delights of fleshy domain.
Though staunchness abounds,
This question still sounds:
Is the pleasure worth the refrain?
--- LaDonna Jones P8503A

With the shoot-down, the Cuban plot thickens,
And of course, Willy's policy sickens.
Bay of Pigs had come first;
Of more failures he's versed;
And now we all watch Bay of Chickens.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Bill Clinton, quite pink if not red,
To his generals assembled, once said,
"In my 'Nam years I found,
You must switch things around--
Jill belongs in the tank, Joe in bed.

(someone has to explain this one - McW)
--- Anon

O'Grady of the US Air Corps
Hid from Serbs for four days plus one more.
Clinton said, "Cheers.
But for five years
I avoided the Vietnam War!"
--- Thomas M Patton P9508

To distract from his scandals and scam,
Slick Willie drops bombs on Saddam.
Strange to say, no one asks
Who sells "mad dogs" anthrax;
The answer, of course, Uncle Sam.
--- Beelzebub TP9802

Bill Clinton has threatened to bomb
More targets to rein in Saddam.
It's ironic in fact
That it seems like an act
He protested once in Vietnam.
--- Jim Weaver Collection a

U.S. troops to the Bosnian war
Would be back home by Christmas, Bill swore.
But he didn't mention
It was his intention
To replace them with 5000 more!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

About Bosnian war "mission creep":
Clinton hopes we are all fast asleep.
U.S. troops coming back
Are replaced without flack,
With only kids, wives and moms left to weep.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

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