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If you'll just add dE by dt
And combine equations, you'll see
That waves a la Hertz
And photons, in spurts,
Both travel with speed equal c.
--- Roy B Maxwell

A splitter for three is a tritter;
In labs it's a popular critter.
A quarter is four
And the device for more:
The splitter for five is a quitter.
--- Anon

There was a young lady of Crewe,
Whose eyes were excessively blue;
So she got an old fellow
To rub them with yellow,
And so they turned green, which is true.
--- Punch 1863 (Bibby)

There's a program on our radio,
That's trying quite vainly to show
How all of these part-
Icles eat sleep and fart,
I'm lost though, and all that I know...
--- Anon

Some bloke squirted jizz through two slits,
To find what comes first, and it's
A damned fruitless hunt,
'Cause if you've got two cunts,
Then sure as hell, somewhere's four tits.
--- Anon

Two slits were wide open, you see.
But no photons would land here on me.
When they shut down one slit,
I received quite a bit.
Well now, how could that possibly be?
--- William Rolnick

Have you heard of the latest resort,
Where UV rays aren't cut short?
The Great Ozone Hole
Down at the South Pole.
You can tan while the penquins cavort!
--- Barbara Levi

X-ray lasers may calm public fears,
But if tests of Excalibur spears
Are successful, some claim,
At what do they aim?
The missles or Senator's ears?

(For Roy Woodward APS Szilard award 1993)
--- Barbara Levi

Now SDI never made sense.
(Not to mention its soaring expense)
With Kurt in the lead,
Have we now Gott_fried
Of such foolish plans for defense.

(For Kurt Gottfried APS Szilard award 1992)
--- Barbara Levi

An X-ray shot out on a tear;
Took off for a crystal quite bare.
It wasn't the plasticity
But that darn periodicity,
That reduced its mood to dispair.
--- Robert Resnick

She said, "You have lost it, dear boy.
Our sex is no longer a joy.
I made a mistake
Of trying a fake;
So now I'll go get a real boy."

(Randog's Outrageous Young Gal Buys Inexhauseible Vibrator)
--- Erika

Our manners we'll have to refine,
If hoping to join her to dine.
Her wishes respecting,
'Cause she'll be expecting
That she'll be supplying the wine.

(Randy Old Yahoo Gets Bone In Vain)
--- Randog

You do what you want with your wurst
And quench both your hunger and thirst.
Sup on the gravy
Of all of the Navy --
As long as I'm getting there first.

(Really Orgasmic Young Girl Boasts Incestuous Relations)
--- John Miller

Well-aged like a very fine wine,
Sweet Ericka's biscuit's divine.
The cream from my bone
Will plaster that scone,
On which I'll obligingly dine.

(Relying On Your Gob Boosts Intimate Ventures)
--- John Miller

You'll get there when Ericka wishes
Because this quick-tongued luscious dish is
In charge of this story.
She'd raise my Old Glory
Releasing her rich "eau de fishes".

(Rich Odours Yield Girl-Berserk Inflamed Vergas)
--- Randog

When thunderstorms rumble and menace,
And blue bloods stop playing lawn tennis,
Sweet Richard of York,
Who's fond of hard pork,
Recalls he got buggered in Venice.

(Richard of York Got Buggered in Venice)
--- Randog

If ever there's sunshine and rain,
A rainbow appears, in the main.
The colors? The ploy
To remember is: Roy
Of Yeovil Gave Battle In Vain.

(Roy of Yoevil Gave Battle In Vain)
--- Tiddy Ogg

Like moths to the flame, we all fly,
When Ericka dearest stops by,
In hopes she'll agree
To join us for tea
And taste clotted cream we'll supply.

(Viagra Improves Beefless Guys Yield Of Riches)
--- John Miller

Said Abdul, "I'll pay you top dollar
For girls to put under the collar.
I'll give dimes and quarters,
For sisters and daughters,
And Euros for those that don't holler!"

(Villainous Importer Buys Girls Young Or Reusable)
--- Randog

Anti-matter will travel content
Throughout space and will cause no event.
But on meeting with matter,
It creates such a splatter,
That one asks, not what came, but what went.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 P9708

Americium tremors all jerkily
When hammered with ions berserkly.
The radioactive
Result is attractive:
It's Berkelium, named after Berkeley.
--- Rory Ewins

That beauty ain't truth, we now know.
And yes, truth isn't beauty, but lo,
Although they're quite rare,
Those two do form a pair.
And by "bottom" and "top", they now go.
--- William Rolnick

Another most keenly observed
And for which much acclaim is deserved,
We can easily see
That for each symmetry,
A quantity must be conserved.
--- David Morin

There was a young spaceman named Gene
Who left Earth, never more to be seen.
At a point out in space,
He essayed the embrace
Of a girl who was contra-terrene.
--- G2611

When a smart little wave named Swoom
Found a particle up in her room,
She remembered DeBroglie
And the Scriptures so holy:
Duality, depression and gloom.
--- Robert Resnick

An electron, while traveling in space,
Met a positron there "face-to-face."
The electron then sighed
At the sight of his bride,
And they "died" in a loving embrace.
--- William Rolnick PR9703

An electron is sure hard to please.
When spread out, it sometimes will freeze.
Though agoraphobic,
It's still claustrophobic,
And runs off when put in a squeeze.
--- David Morin et al PR9703

To Faraday, e was inducible,
Equations were almost reducible.
Then out of a hole
A fast monopole
Gave measurements irreproducible.
--- I Joan Lorch P9802

The gravitron's something unique;
A particle many would seek.
To Earth we are stuck,
It seems more by luck,
For its coupling's exceedingly weak.
--- Bruce Elliot

A dyslexic young physicist kept on
Insisting that women who slept on
His bed never query
His curious theory,
That a hadron should always be lepton.
--- Jerry Nordal P0406

When God said, "Let the Higgs be!"
He gave it but slight energy.
He said, "You grow thinner,
You must have some dinner."
So it ate up some W and Z.
--- David Morin et al

While bemused by my whirling screen saver,
I imagined a new lepton flavor.
But I'll yet make my mark
With a higher top quark,
Or an anyon bigger and braver.
--- Peter Price

Newton was really the thing;
A perspective his theory did bring,
And Einstein did more,
And ran up the score,
But these days, they say it's just string.
--- Michelle

This is file ujl

A careless old fellow named Fraser
Got caught in the beam of a laser
And was burned to a crisp
Except for his lisp,
Which didn't sound right without Fraser.
--- Limber Limericks

A meson decending in flight
Was veering first left and then right.
So brisk was its action
That the Lorentz contraction
Made quite an indelible sight.
--- Robert Resnick

There once was a hard gamma ray
And a nucleus it forced to decay.
The resultant bambino
Was called the neutrino,
Which hasn't been seen to this day.

(But does it have mass? No weigh!)
--- Robert Resnick

Why don't we see more SNU's?
For years, it's been something to muse.
Though Gallex sees more,
It's still a low score.
Can electron's neutrinos be mu's?
--- Barbara Levi

Fermi called the small bugger neutrino,
After maybe a bit too much vino.
I hate to be crass,
But whatever its mass,
It's still way too small to be seen-o.
--- Daniel Koon

From the Sun's core, a neutrino flew
Saying, "I've got the Earth to go through.
Then I'll reach Super-K
But while on the way,
I just might turn into a mu."
--- David Halliday

In caverns deep under the ground,
They sniff SNU's like bloodhounds.
But maybe their prey
Can change 'long the way,
And sneak by without being found.

(SNU - solar neutrino unit)
--- Barbara Levi

The poet, J. Alfred Neutrino,
Who subsisted sublimely on vino,
With a spin of one-half,
Wrote his own epitaph:
"No rest mass, no charge, no bambino."

(neutrinos now have rest mass in 1998)
--- Random Walk in Science

A fertility freak from Grand Forks,
Invented a nuclear dork.
But his buyers expired,
Melted down with desire,
And alas! They could only come quarks.
--- Santork

The Particle Physics morass
Is stuck on the problem of mass.
If Higgs can be found,
We'll all come around.
Till then it's a pain in the ass.
--- Bruce Elliot

Delta, Sigma, Omega, and Psi,
Particle physics still can't find the key.
"Parts is parts" they proclaim, (The J notwithstanding,)
Find just one: find your fame. (I lack understanding,)
Yet somehow it's all greek to me!
--- Irving J Bigio

Two photons, close-coupled at start,
Flew several parsecs apart.
Said one in distress,
"What you're forced to express,
Removes any choice on my part."
--- David Halliday PR9703

A physicist grumbled one day,
"These protons don't seem to decay.
We once had high hopes,
But we now feel like dopes,
For those darn things -- they just seem to stay."
--- Kay R Devicci

A physicist, almost in tears,
Said, "A proton, it seems, disappears.
The GUT's say
That it should decay
In ten to the thirty-one years.
--- Kay R Devicci

Hadrons, leptons, bosons, too,
Are members of our little zoo.
Though in their stalls
As little balls,
They're really clouds of quantum goo.
--- Devlin Gualtieri a

'Tis a foolhardy thing to embark
On a quest for an authentic quark.
The genuine article
Is a very small particle
And only goes out after dark.
--- Ms Ira Gardner-Smith

When we physicists talk about quarks,
And "sleptons," "sneutronos," and "squarks,"
We shouldn't be stunned
When Congress won't fund
Our big projects -- they think we are dorks.
--- Kay R Devicci PR9703

I haven't a clue why the quark
Is like a subliminal spark,
Setting ablaze
A miniture maze
Of particles out on a lark.
--- Timothy Torkildson

A young physics major cried, "Hark!
Methinks I've discovered a quark!
If I can carry on
And find me a baryon,
In this field, I will have made my mark.
--- Sam Chen

We looked up and down, high and low,
For the quark whose strange mass we don't know.
Oh, charm please don't fail;
The bottommost tail
Of top's mass is starting to show!
--- Barbara Levi

"The quark's a mysterious fellow!"
My advisor was oft prone to bellow,
"It's red, blue, or green,
(Though it's never been seen,)
And certainly couldn't be yellow."
--- Bruce Elliot

It is said with a smidgen of insolence,
That one particle is known just by inference.
We could see this small honey
If we had lots of money,
But we won't make a particle of difference.
--- Stanley Bashkin

"Their three colors are red, white, and blue,"
The professor said over a brew.
A drunk student objected,
"That's not been detected!
And without any proof, I say screw!"
--- Mike Lubell

When physicists misuse their brains
To give particles whimsical names,
Most folks think we're liable
To be certifiable
And they don't want to fund our mad games.
--- Kay R Devicci

On one dark and thunderous morn,
Ben Franklin went out in the storm,
Tied a kite to his dick,
For a lightning spark's kick,
Alas though, it frazzled his horn.
--- Anon

When Greiner, regal and Jin
Have a field the right strength to begin,
To block the romance
Of a bosonic dance,
Pairing fermions to integer spin.
--- Virge

UFO's and psychic emanations,
EMF and cow mutilations;
The TV is awash
With reports of goulash
Teleported to distant locations.
--- Karen Lingel

Some people believe in such junk --
Stuff that anyone smart can debunk.
But will anyone listen?
No! Their brains are out fishin';
I think I'll go out and get drunk.
--- Karen Lingel

Albert Einstein from his Princeton lair
Said, "There are some things I cannot bear.
I'll hear no more prating
Re: approximating
That e almost = m c square."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9707

Newton was really the thing;
A perspective his theory did bring.
And Einstein, with awe,
A unity he saw,
But these days they say it's just string.
--- Michelle

When Fermi to Chicago came,
He did something that brought him great fame.
By mixing atoms of C and U,
Went critical right on cue,
And the world will never be the same.
--- Carl A Benz

As the pile multiplied on the grid,
Fermi's pocket slide rule slid.
K-factors more than one,
Were new under the sun.
And Fission was no longer hid.
--- Carl A Benz

Ernst Mach found himself in Nantucket,
Where water, he spun in a bucket.
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"My, how those distant stars suck it!"
--- David Morin et al

Some fear physics these days is contractive,
Yet complexity keeps the field active.
Feigenbaum is chaotic,
Mandelbrot most erotic,
And I find them strangely attractive.
--- Irving J Bigio


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