If you'll just add dE by dt A splitter for three is a tritter; There was a young lady of Crewe, There's a program on our radio, Some bloke squirted jizz through two slits, Two slits were wide open, you see. Have you heard of the latest resort, X-ray lasers may calm public fears, (For Roy Woodward APS Szilard award 1993)
Now SDI never made sense. (For Kurt Gottfried APS Szilard award 1992)
An X-ray shot out on a tear; She said, "You have lost it, dear boy. (Randog's Outrageous Young Gal Buys Inexhauseible Vibrator)
Our manners we'll have to refine, (Randy Old Yahoo Gets Bone In Vain)
You do what you want with your wurst (Really Orgasmic Young Girl Boasts Incestuous Relations)
Well-aged like a very fine wine, (Relying On Your Gob Boosts Intimate Ventures)
You'll get there when Ericka wishes (Rich Odours Yield Girl-Berserk Inflamed Vergas)
When thunderstorms rumble and menace, (Richard of York Got Buggered in Venice)
If ever there's sunshine and rain, (Roy of Yoevil Gave Battle In Vain)
Like moths to the flame, we all fly, (Viagra Improves Beefless Guys Yield Of Riches)
Said Abdul, "I'll pay you top dollar (Villainous Importer Buys Girls Young Or Reusable)
Anti-matter will travel content Americium tremors all jerkily That beauty ain't truth, we now know. Another most keenly observed There was a young spaceman named Gene When a smart little wave named Swoom An electron, while traveling in space, An electron is sure hard to please. To Faraday, e was inducible, The gravitron's something unique; A dyslexic young physicist kept on When God said, "Let the Higgs be!" While bemused by my whirling screen saver, Newton was really the thing;
This is file ujl
A careless old fellow named Fraser A meson decending in flight There once was a hard gamma ray (But does it have mass? No weigh!)
Why don't we see more SNU's? Fermi called the small bugger neutrino, From the Sun's core, a neutrino flew In caverns deep under the ground, (SNU - solar neutrino unit)
The poet, J. Alfred Neutrino, (neutrinos now have rest mass in 1998)
A fertility freak from Grand Forks, The Particle Physics morass Delta, Sigma, Omega, and Psi, Two photons, close-coupled at start, A physicist grumbled one day, A physicist, almost in tears, Hadrons, leptons, bosons, too, 'Tis a foolhardy thing to embark When we physicists talk about quarks, I haven't a clue why the quark A young physics major cried, "Hark! We looked up and down, high and low, "The quark's a mysterious fellow!" It is said with a smidgen of insolence, "Their three colors are red, white, and blue," When physicists misuse their brains On one dark and thunderous morn, When Greiner, regal and Jin UFO's and psychic emanations, Some people believe in such junk -- Albert Einstein from his Princeton lair Newton was really the thing; When Fermi to Chicago came, As the pile multiplied on the grid, Ernst Mach found himself in Nantucket, Some fear physics these days is contractive,
And combine equations, you'll see
That waves a la Hertz
And photons, in spurts,
Both travel with speed equal c.
--- Roy B Maxwell
In labs it's a popular critter.
A quarter is four
And the device for more:
The splitter for five is a quitter.
--- Anon
Whose eyes were excessively blue;
So she got an old fellow
To rub them with yellow,
And so they turned green, which is true.
--- Punch 1863 (Bibby)
That's trying quite vainly to show
How all of these part-
Icles eat sleep and fart,
I'm lost though, and all that I know...
--- Anon
To find what comes first, and it's
A damned fruitless hunt,
'Cause if you've got two cunts,
Then sure as hell, somewhere's four tits.
--- Anon
But no photons would land here on me.
When they shut down one slit,
I received quite a bit.
Well now, how could that possibly be?
--- William Rolnick
Where UV rays aren't cut short?
The Great Ozone Hole
Down at the South Pole.
You can tan while the penquins cavort!
--- Barbara Levi
But if tests of Excalibur spears
Are successful, some claim,
At what do they aim?
The missles or Senator's ears?
--- Barbara Levi
(Not to mention its soaring expense)
With Kurt in the lead,
Have we now Gott_fried
Of such foolish plans for defense.
--- Barbara Levi
Took off for a crystal quite bare.
It wasn't the plasticity
But that darn periodicity,
That reduced its mood to dispair.
--- Robert Resnick
Our sex is no longer a joy.
I made a mistake
Of trying a fake;
So now I'll go get a real boy."
--- Erika
If hoping to join her to dine.
Her wishes respecting,
'Cause she'll be expecting
That she'll be supplying the wine.
--- Randog
And quench both your hunger and thirst.
Sup on the gravy
Of all of the Navy --
As long as I'm getting there first.
--- John Miller
Sweet Ericka's biscuit's divine.
The cream from my bone
Will plaster that scone,
On which I'll obligingly dine.
--- John Miller
Because this quick-tongued luscious dish is
In charge of this story.
She'd raise my Old Glory
Releasing her rich "eau de fishes".
--- Randog
And blue bloods stop playing lawn tennis,
Sweet Richard of York,
Who's fond of hard pork,
Recalls he got buggered in Venice.
--- Randog
A rainbow appears, in the main.
The colors? The ploy
To remember is: Roy
Of Yeovil Gave Battle In Vain.
--- Tiddy Ogg
When Ericka dearest stops by,
In hopes she'll agree
To join us for tea
And taste clotted cream we'll supply.
--- John Miller
For girls to put under the collar.
I'll give dimes and quarters,
For sisters and daughters,
And Euros for those that don't holler!"
--- Randog
Throughout space and will cause no event.
But on meeting with matter,
It creates such a splatter,
That one asks, not what came, but what went.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 P9708
When hammered with ions berserkly.
The radioactive
Result is attractive:
It's Berkelium, named after Berkeley.
--- Rory Ewins
And yes, truth isn't beauty, but lo,
Although they're quite rare,
Those two do form a pair.
And by "bottom" and "top", they now go.
--- William Rolnick
And for which much acclaim is deserved,
We can easily see
That for each symmetry,
A quantity must be conserved.
--- David Morin
Who left Earth, never more to be seen.
At a point out in space,
He essayed the embrace
Of a girl who was contra-terrene.
--- G2611
Found a particle up in her room,
She remembered DeBroglie
And the Scriptures so holy:
Duality, depression and gloom.
--- Robert Resnick
Met a positron there "face-to-face."
The electron then sighed
At the sight of his bride,
And they "died" in a loving embrace.
--- William Rolnick PR9703
When spread out, it sometimes will freeze.
Though agoraphobic,
It's still claustrophobic,
And runs off when put in a squeeze.
--- David Morin et al PR9703
Equations were almost reducible.
Then out of a hole
A fast monopole
Gave measurements irreproducible.
--- I Joan Lorch P9802
A particle many would seek.
To Earth we are stuck,
It seems more by luck,
For its coupling's exceedingly weak.
--- Bruce Elliot
Insisting that women who slept on
His bed never query
His curious theory,
That a hadron should always be lepton.
--- Jerry Nordal P0406
He gave it but slight energy.
He said, "You grow thinner,
You must have some dinner."
So it ate up some W and Z.
--- David Morin et al
I imagined a new lepton flavor.
But I'll yet make my mark
With a higher top quark,
Or an anyon bigger and braver.
--- Peter Price
A perspective his theory did bring,
And Einstein did more,
And ran up the score,
But these days, they say it's just string.
--- Michelle
Got caught in the beam of a laser
And was burned to a crisp
Except for his lisp,
Which didn't sound right without Fraser.
--- Limber Limericks
Was veering first left and then right.
So brisk was its action
That the Lorentz contraction
Made quite an indelible sight.
--- Robert Resnick
And a nucleus it forced to decay.
The resultant bambino
Was called the neutrino,
Which hasn't been seen to this day.
--- Robert Resnick
For years, it's been something to muse.
Though Gallex sees more,
It's still a low score.
Can electron's neutrinos be mu's?
--- Barbara Levi
After maybe a bit too much vino.
I hate to be crass,
But whatever its mass,
It's still way too small to be seen-o.
--- Daniel Koon
Saying, "I've got the Earth to go through.
Then I'll reach Super-K
But while on the way,
I just might turn into a mu."
--- David Halliday
They sniff SNU's like bloodhounds.
But maybe their prey
Can change 'long the way,
And sneak by without being found.
--- Barbara Levi
Who subsisted sublimely on vino,
With a spin of one-half,
Wrote his own epitaph:
"No rest mass, no charge, no bambino."
--- Random Walk in Science
Invented a nuclear dork.
But his buyers expired,
Melted down with desire,
And alas! They could only come quarks.
--- Santork
Is stuck on the problem of mass.
If Higgs can be found,
We'll all come around.
Till then it's a pain in the ass.
--- Bruce Elliot
Particle physics still can't find the key.
"Parts is parts" they proclaim, (The J notwithstanding,)
Find just one: find your fame. (I lack understanding,)
Yet somehow it's all greek to me!
--- Irving J Bigio
Flew several parsecs apart.
Said one in distress,
"What you're forced to express,
Removes any choice on my part."
--- David Halliday PR9703
"These protons don't seem to decay.
We once had high hopes,
But we now feel like dopes,
For those darn things -- they just seem to stay."
--- Kay R Devicci
Said, "A proton, it seems, disappears.
The GUT's say
That it should decay
In ten to the thirty-one years.
--- Kay R Devicci
Are members of our little zoo.
Though in their stalls
As little balls,
They're really clouds of quantum goo.
--- Devlin Gualtieri a
On a quest for an authentic quark.
The genuine article
Is a very small particle
And only goes out after dark.
--- Ms Ira Gardner-Smith
And "sleptons," "sneutronos," and "squarks,"
We shouldn't be stunned
When Congress won't fund
Our big projects -- they think we are dorks.
--- Kay R Devicci PR9703
Is like a subliminal spark,
Setting ablaze
A miniture maze
Of particles out on a lark.
--- Timothy Torkildson
Methinks I've discovered a quark!
If I can carry on
And find me a baryon,
In this field, I will have made my mark.
--- Sam Chen
For the quark whose strange mass we don't know.
Oh, charm please don't fail;
The bottommost tail
Of top's mass is starting to show!
--- Barbara Levi
My advisor was oft prone to bellow,
"It's red, blue, or green,
(Though it's never been seen,)
And certainly couldn't be yellow."
--- Bruce Elliot
That one particle is known just by inference.
We could see this small honey
If we had lots of money,
But we won't make a particle of difference.
--- Stanley Bashkin
The professor said over a brew.
A drunk student objected,
"That's not been detected!
And without any proof, I say screw!"
--- Mike Lubell
To give particles whimsical names,
Most folks think we're liable
To be certifiable
And they don't want to fund our mad games.
--- Kay R Devicci
Ben Franklin went out in the storm,
Tied a kite to his dick,
For a lightning spark's kick,
Alas though, it frazzled his horn.
--- Anon
Have a field the right strength to begin,
To block the romance
Of a bosonic dance,
Pairing fermions to integer spin.
--- Virge
EMF and cow mutilations;
The TV is awash
With reports of goulash
Teleported to distant locations.
--- Karen Lingel
Stuff that anyone smart can debunk.
But will anyone listen?
No! Their brains are out fishin';
I think I'll go out and get drunk.
--- Karen Lingel
Said, "There are some things I cannot bear.
I'll hear no more prating
Re: approximating
That e almost = m c square."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9707
A perspective his theory did bring.
And Einstein, with awe,
A unity he saw,
But these days they say it's just string.
--- Michelle
He did something that brought him great fame.
By mixing atoms of C and U,
Went critical right on cue,
And the world will never be the same.
--- Carl A Benz
Fermi's pocket slide rule slid.
K-factors more than one,
Were new under the sun.
And Fission was no longer hid.
--- Carl A Benz
Where water, he spun in a bucket.
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"My, how those distant stars suck it!"
--- David Morin et al
Yet complexity keeps the field active.
Feigenbaum is chaotic,
Mandelbrot most erotic,
And I find them strangely attractive.
--- Irving J Bigio