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Accused was the vicar of Dire, Whenever he meets pretty birds, In the crypt the nun sucks Vicar Lew. A vicar once known for high morals, A grave Church of England D.D. An arm-wrestling vicar from Looe In the belfry one night, said the vicar, With a tape, they all proved him wrong " There was a young lady of Kew, Tell me what do you do to a Vicar There was an old vicar named Morgan, I've heard that the vicars in Huffham There once was a Vicar from Bray; There was a young girl whose attire "It's heavenly, just to repose, "And then when I shout Hallelujah, The parish commission at Roylette, Vicar Smedley, our pie-in-the-sky man, Misconstruing the vicars intention, The vicar on his mare, he did kick her, There's a Vicar who's classed as nefarious, Went to see the wife of the vicar, On the bank sat the vicar of Buckingham The Vicar of Pevensey Bay The Vicar of Jude's in High Wycombe There once were two ladies in Tottenham One morning, at tea with the Vicar, There was a shy vicar of Twickenham "Ah Vicar, we've lined up some men. There was a young man from Blighty There was a young lady from Tottenham, Young Jane's off to tea at the vicars. The vicar said, "Jane, like your mother, The screams and the squeals from St John "How exciting." wheezed Archbishop Wickers, There was an old vicar of Croydon, Terry, a miner from Leeds The cricketing Vicar of Stoke Of ministers, vicars, and priests, A vicar from Esher named Hughes Said the Bishop, "Dear Duchess, I hope A very sick maiden named Stricker The vicar looked out o'er the pews When the Vicar sees cute adolescents, The wife of a thirsty old vicar To a vicarage in the vicinity, There was a young girl from Purdue There was a sex-mad nun named Sue; In December the vicar is jolly, A frustrated young laundress of Lamas There once was a Vicar of Clymping, I like to play leap-frog with vicars, Thank you for making things clear; A party was held at the Vicar's, And then there is May from West Bay, While the vicar's wife you've been topping, There was a young lady of Chean, (And rammed in the Episcopal bean.)
One evening while listening to Brahms, My favourite church is St Matthew; "Given faith", sighed the vicar of Deenham, The reverend Vicar of Bude, A vicar, the Reverend Bowles, My grandpa had a really good still Said a snuff-taking Vicar, "With ease, The Vicar said, "Why, praise the Lord! Is it two-fifty still on the ticker?
Disgrace with the women. "You liar!"
He called his accuser,
Then said, "An abuser
Am I with the boys in the choir!"
--- Anon
Our vicar, who's one of life's turds,
Commences undressing them,
Instead of blessing them,
For actions speak louder than words.
--- Michael Horgan
But the Bishop, he faints ere she's through,
And the screams heard for miles
Through the crypt at St. Giles
Are those when the Bishop comes too.
--- Al Chaplin P8507
Chose unwisely to rest on his laurels.
When put to the test,
At the Devil's behest,
He'd have failed, were it not for the orals.
--- Paul M Hoffman
Ran off with a nice chimpanzee.
But do not feel remorse,
She was female, of course.
The vicar's not queer, don't you see.
--- Isaac Asimov
Invited some friends to a do.
Dressed only in shorts,
He taught them some sports
They thought very vew vicars knew.
--- Michael Palin
"You ringers must really work slicker.
Get with it, you lot!
Come on, make it hot!
Like 'Top of the Pops' -- only quicker.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
The vicar's WAS eighty feet long,
With a frill on the end,
Which you'd pull, with a friend,
To make his old bell go ding-dong!
--- Bob Turvey P0504
Remarked as the Vicar withdrew:
"The Verger's emerger
Is longer and lurger--
And he gets his bollocks in too."
--- G1124
Who has shown that he can't hold his liquor.
Try with Guinness or stout,
And then feed from a spout
'Cause it's thicker, nutritious--and quicker.
--- Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P9606
Who serving his church as a warden,
Chased a fellow named Dave
Through the church and the nave,
And caught him, at last, by the organ.
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay
Demand that the altar girls cuff 'em
With chains to the walls,
And then scrape their balls
With orbital sanders to buff 'em.
--- Anon
He drank many beers in one day.
Then he'd chase all the fellas
Who had umbrellas
And walked a peculiar way.
--- Barbara Cunningham P9506a
Soon set all of the clergy afire.
She displayed her knickers
To various vicars,
And all of the boys in the choir.
--- Richard Long
Relaxed from your head to your toes,"
Said the vicar to me,
"With young choir-girl Bea,
Who's gently massaging my hose."
--- Tiddy Ogg
She asks 'bout the white stuff, peculiar.
I say as I'm dressing,
'Tis God's holy blessing...
It sure is easy to fool her."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Bought their Vicar a pristine new toilet.
But he still voids his bowels,
On a heap of old towels,
He's so very reluctant to soil it.
--- L1731
Called on Clara and ruptured her hymen
On the eve of her marriage
To Tredlowe T. Clarridge,
Which I'd say is rather shrewd timin'.
--- John Ciardi A
On the sermon wherein he did mention
Three virgins most silly,
And thinking of willy,
She sought her own deflorestention.
--- Donald McGill
Because she wouldn't canter any quicker.
I said, "That's not nice."
He said, "Please, no advice!"
Who am I to dicker with a vicar?
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0305
Since his shocking perversions are various.
He will bugger some lad
With a dildo (the cad!)
While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!"
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
In the hope that I might get to dick her.
"Were we oportunicable,
'Twould be excommunicable."
She said, but she did let me lick her.
--- MrMalo
With stones in his pocket and chucking `em
At frogs in the creek;
Who once every week,
Exercised mightily by ducking `em.
--- Lims Unlimited
Went abroad for a year and a day.
His flock, off the tether,
Assembled together,
And took a decision to stray.
--- Tom Baker P8806
Was asked by the nuns not to trick 'em
Into showing his act,
Laying balls on a tract,
And asking a novice to lick 'em.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who thought that the vicar was pottin' `em,
And while they were thinking
And drinking and drinking,
The vicar had craftily gotten `em.
--- Limber Limericks
Maud's maidenhood disappeared quicker
Than the blink of an eye,
When he dripped Spanish Fly
In her tea, and she prayed him to prick her!
--- Donald Hall P8705
Who visited homes with wives sick in 'em.
The most bred, he discovered
Doing crosswords, uncovered,
And asked if they wanted his dick in 'em.
--- David A Brooks
Take a really good look at them; then
Will you tell us in time,
Who committed the crime?"
Said the Vicar, "It's hymn number ten!"
--- Peter Wilkins
Who wore a transparent nightie.
The vicar said, "Son,
It's really not done,
It's not wrong, but it's also not rightie."
--- Spike Milligan P0106
Whose manners--well, she'd forgotten 'em.
While at tea at the vicar's,
She kicked off her knickers,
Explaining she felt much too hot in 'em.
--- Anon L1590
I hope that she's wearing fresh knickers.
For he's pretty keen
That a virgin looks clean,
Before he will shove in his dickers.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Your figure compares to no other;
Your tits are a rackage,
But I want the package
That's stuffed in the pants of your brother."
--- Travis Brasell
This is file uam
Are the passionate cries of Yvonne,
As she whips off her knickers
To entertain vicars
And strangely, some priests from Taiwan.
--- Peter Wilkins
The chief prelate among London's vicars.
"It's my first trip abroad
And I know I'll be awed
To see young New York lads wearing knickers."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P0203
Whose cook was a regular hoyden.
She would sit on his knees,
While shelling the peas,
Or similar duties employed on.
--- Anon
Had many fundamental needs.
He consulted a vicar,
And proceeded to trick her
Into performing several lewd deeds.
--- Anon
Was quite an incredible bloke.
With a man an inning,
He did all his sinning,
But never did offer a stroke.
--- SFA
The none-conform bunch prefer beasts.
While priests get their joys
From ten year old boys,
While vicars, from schoolgirls make feasts.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Used to greatly enjoy a quick snooze
At lunchtime or tea,
If the pupit was free,
And if not, then he'd nap in the pews.
--- Michael Palin
That someday you'll learn how to cope
With the terrible blow,
Suffered by your ego,
Since the vicar left you for the Pope!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Confessed all her sins to the vicar.
"When I think what I've missed,"
He said, "I insist
You get better before you get sicker."
--- Lims Unlimited
And watched members paying their dues;
He then turned to look
Outside by the brook
And thanked heaven for all the ewes.
--- Anon
The thought of their boyish pubescence,
Makes his pulse start to throb
And the bob of a knob
In his cassock betrays his tumescence.
--- Hugh Clary
Is angry because he won't dick her.
He pours Bull from Schlitz
On her snatch and her teats,
Then says, "I'm the worlds best malt licker!"
--- Peter Wilkins
Went a chick to learn more of the trinity.
Though quick was the vicar,
Her kicker was quicker,
So he just barely nicked her virginity.
--- Pierce Evans
Who said to the rector, "We're through.
I have just met a vicar
Who is quicker and slicker
And he's not one to bicker like you."
--- Albin Chaplin
With the vicar, she went for a screw.
From New Years to Lent,
Her sex was heaven sent,
But was something they'd not know how to do.
--- Funny Bone
With services, carols and holly.
At his bedside he prays
That God hears what he says,
Then services Carol and Holly.
--- Anon
Would imagine great amorous dramas
For the spots she espied
Dried and hardened inside
The pants of the vicar's pajamas.
--- Archie
Who earned tons of money from pimping.
When his Bishop asked why,
He replied with a sigh,
"Well, you can't have a man of God skimping."
--- Anon
For it plays merry hell with their tickers.
They utter loud cries
And then drop like flies,
In a heap, like a scrum down a Twickers.
--- Bill Wall
I wondered as I drank my beer,
If the 'toon should show boys
'Stead of ladies with poise:
I thought most folks priestly were queer.
--- John Miller
And the nuns were all giggles and snickers,
When they loudly yelled "Fire!"
As he changed his attire,
And they saw him run off in his knickers.
--- Cap'n Bean
Who demands to be screwed every day,
From the top of a steeple,
By all of the people,
Who've screwed with the Vicar of Bray.
--- Anon
The vicar and I have been bopping
And bouncin'; what's more,
On the floor, near the door,
Like two screwing rabbits, we're hopping!
--- Arden
Who crept into the vestry unseen.
She pulled down her knickers,
Likewise the Vicar's,
And said, "How about it, old bean?"
--- Gerda Juhlen L0539
The vicars wife leaped in my arms.
In the ensuing melee,
She danced on my belly
And set off the fire alarms.
--- Bill Wall
The vicar's a female called Kath. You
Must talk not of sex,
Though, for muscles she'll flex,
As she dunks you in water to bath you.
--- Anon
"From the lusts of the flesh we might wean 'em.
But the human soul sighs
For a nice pair of thighs,
And a little of what lies between 'em."
--- Anon G1100
When sleep-walking totally nude,
Arrived quite by chance
At a charity dance,
And tossed off all over the food.
--- Michael Horgan
Took care to protect all our souls.
With a stern but fair grin,
He would steer us from sin
And make godly living our goal.
--- Anon
Behind the outhouse on the hill.
The greatest corn liquor
He sold to the vicar,
Who gave sermons stewed to the gills.
--- Azul
I can stifle the noisiest sneeze."
But in chapel one day,
His asshole gave way,
And the shit filled his drawers to the knees.
--- L1679
My pecker's as stiff as a board!
That the first time in years,
And it's cured all my fears,
That the word has more might than my sword!"
--- ROE
Won't time ever go any quicker?
And after a jar
Will I see pas de chat
From a Terpsichorean vicar?
--- Jim Weaver Collection
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