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I handle with fingers prehensile
An eraser-topped, number two pencil.
A tool for the arts
Without moving parts--
Indispensable writing utensil.
--- Laurence Perrine P9304

The faucet is dripping again.
Each night it's the same old refrain.
I have changed the tap;
My fix-it is crap.
The dripping just gives me a pain.
--- Marlene Lewis

The air comes in 'round the windows;
It gets much worse when the wind blows.
In winter I freeze,
Then I start to sneeze;
The cold air ain't good for my nose.
--- Marlene Lewis

The back door fell off just last year.
It took almost three months, pert-near,
To get all new doors
Installed by the stores,
Who want bucks 'fore they get it in gear.
--- Marlene

The front porch is falling apart.
I don't know the carpentry art.
"Could you at least paint?"
A painter I ain't.
Looks like it was built by K-Mart.
--- Marlene

I need a new floor in the kitchen.
You might think that I am just bitchin',
But the pipes leaked one day --
The lino pealed away.
The room does not look very fetchin'.
--- Marlene a

I've lived here forever, it seems.
This could be the house of my dreams.
(Been having nightmares
'Bout murderous chairs;
I wake in the night to my screams.)
--- Marlene

An old house is hard to maintain.
All my money goes down the drain,
Or into the walls,
The floor, or the halls.
I really don't mean to complain!
--- Marlenen

I bought a new fan from Bob Gates.
He tells me that it ovulates.
Mrs. Malaprop froze.
And then I suppose,
He'll tell me it also lactates.
--- Bic Willis TP9807

They've dug up the park 'cross the way.
There'll be a hotel there someday.
It will block my view
Of parking lots, too,
But, it's just a mud hole today.
--- Marlene

Naturally it was made in Hong Kong.
But it really works like a song.
All pencils in the joint
Have a very sharp point.
Of course they're just two inches long.
--- John K Roberts P9304

First, a recall of Pokemon toys;
Now BK will sell Backstreet Boys.
Put your worries to rest?
Sure, they've passed the choke test,
But this deal lacks all cultural poise.
--- Anon

"One more stamp," said the postman irate,
"To meet the new overweight rate!"
To which my reply
Was, "I'd gladly comply,
But won't that be adding more weight?"
--- Albin Chaplin P9104

American manufacturers can be proud.
This machine stands out from the crowd.
Its dependability nears
About twenty years--
But the last ten's a little more loud.
--- John K Roberts P9304

You cannot get rid of your fridge;
You'll have to chuck it off a bridge.
EU says, with distaste,
It's now hazardous waste;
It's no longer safe just to squidge.
--- Tony Burrell

I wished to discard an old freezer;
Inside are Denise and Theresa.
The temperature's rose
And their bodies unfroze;
Now they smell of dead fish and old cheese, sir.
--- Peter Wilkins

A rubber band is a gadget
Of which there are few that can match it.
You can stretch it or twist it
Or wrap round your wrist it.
Without fidget it fits, too, your budget.
--- Laurence Perrine P9304

In gadgets, Rube Goldberg was king.
With diagrams most ding-a-ling.
A Rube man wakes when
Step one through step ten--
Of mazes and then ting-a-ling.
--- Irving Superior P9304

We don't see much of sealing wax,
Since we now send things just by FAX.
So contents weren't exposed,
They sent their letter closed
By dripping some hot wax on the backs.
--- William K Alsop Jr

Shakespeare, given a coat of arms, blustered,
Said, "My lords...," dropped his speech and got flustered;
'Twas the head of a boar
On a platter en or,
But the motto read, "Not without mustard!"
--- Robin K Willoughby P8402

Fred's smoke alarm batteries were dead.
'Twas stuck to the ceiling instead
Of screwed. There's a blaze;
Beneath it Fred lays;
Glue melts. Falls. Fred wakes when strikes head.
--- Tiddy Ogg

But Fred then passed out from the blow;
Before long, he started to glow.
He woke with a start,
And screamed, "My damned heart!
I've died and been sent down below!"
--- Marlene Lewis

The smoke alarm has this green light,
That keeps me awake half the night.
'Cause I can't help wonder
If maybe I'm under
Surveillance by some F. B. Ite.
--- Marlene Lewis

Why's the star-spangled banner so beat?
The curators blame dust, light and heat.
But I think the wool cloth
Hides a star spangle moth
Eating all thousand twenty square feet.
--- Prof M-G TP9807

"Not as many come now as before,"
Said the curator, blocking the door.
"When folks had no TV,
String was something to see;
Now it's widely considered a bore.
--- Dogbard

A telephone cried, "The cruel trick of it!
I've no life, yet I'm in the thick of it.
The cooings and shoutings,
And great bawling-outings --
Well now I'm on strike, 'cause I'm sick of it.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

Quarterly, in one and four,
Barry of Or and Azure,
In two and four
Per bend Gules and Or,
In base point a roundel Purpure.
--- Patrick O'Shea

The thing only makes the furnace bolder.
I've told her, and told her, and told her.
But in July when it's hot,
She turns it down to the dot.
She thinks she can dial the house colder.
--- John K Roberts P9304

A voiced thermostat they bally-hoo;
Warns of trouble in furnace or flue;
Has a three count to shout
If the fire is out;
Your heating chart will yell on two.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Gules on a fess Sable four
Swans Argent beaked and legged Or,
In sinister chief
A canton or semy
Of cross crosslets fitchy Azure.
--- Patrick O'Shea

"The perfect machine," is his pitch.
The inventor, who hopes to get rich,
Calls this the best part;
When you get it to start,
A hand comes and turns off the switch.
--- A N Wilkins P9304

The ads on TV are insultin',
The machine's a carnivorous glutton.
They are raucous and loud
But I am not proud.
My hand hovers near the MUTE button.
--- John K Roberts P9304

My telly went 'pop' in the night;
A power surge screwed it, alright.
The picture went small,
The sound, not at all;
In the dumpster it went with some might.
--- Anon

This is file tym

The scrupulous guard at the gate,
Bought alarms so he wouldn't be late.
On his death, in a box,
They found two hundred clocks;
What a chore winding up his estate.
--- VOL 6

There was an old lady named Ella
Who never could find her umbrella.
She went to the store
Where she bought forty-four,
Which she keeps down below in the cellar.
--- Helen Dowd

A waiter came up to our table,
"Excuse me, this table's unstable.
And what is more,
You must sit on the floor,
'Cause the chairs, like the table ain't able."
--- Marlene Lewis

The ad says cobwebs and bugs,
And cleans draperies, furniture, mugs.
When I called the store
To complain about my floor,
They said, "Sorry, It doesn't do rugs!"
--- John K Roberts P9304

I'm sitting here writing this stuff,
Contemplating my navel. The fluff
It's collected today,
I will vacuum away,
If my Hoover is powerful enough.
--- Peter Wilkins

Did I hear you call for a Hoover?
I'm a trained navel lint remover!
I can suck out your fluff --
Was that fast enough?
Acchh! Give me the Heimlick Manouvre!
--- Petal

"Walla Walla" is realy an onion
Of a size, that if dropped on your bunion,
You'd give a shriek
Every day of the week
At an object sized for Paul Bunyan.
--- Roy Shaw P8809

I like the old place where we live;
The floorboards have plenty of give.
The halls and the stair
Are conditioned with air,
And the roof is a wonderful sieve.
--- Lims Unlimited

I want something new for my pleasure;
Something that's worthy, to treasure.
Maybe rounded or square,
Smooth or with hair;
As long as its length is its measure!
--- Freedom T9711

Young Igor set out from Molotov,
Realized he'd left his walletov,
And though it caused pain
Turned homeward again,
Saying, "Oh how I hate to callitov."
--- Anon

A fellow who lived in Beirut
Left home to purchase some fruit;
He turned the wrong way,
Ending up in Bombay;
'Twas a rather circuitous route.
--- Cap'n Bean P0800

When I travel I get pretty choosy,
Insisting on place with Jacuzzi,
Free drinks in the lobby,
The net (for my hobby);
Clean sheets decorated with floozy.
--- John Miller

I've traveled to East and to West,
And found you're the one I love best.
I look in your eyes,
But much as I tries,
My gaze always falls to your chest.
--- Tiddy Ogg

I've traveled to East and to West,
And found you're the one I love best.
I look in your eyes
And tell you sweet lies,
Enslaved by your slightest behest. (request?)
--- John Miller

I've traveled to East and to West,
And found you're the one I love best.
I look in those eyes
You evert to disguise
How little you're really impressed.
--- John Miller

I've traveled to East and to West
And found you're the one I love best.
I look in your eyes,
So gay, worldly wise,
And find you don't care -- as I guessed.
--- John Miller

I've traveled to East and to West
And found you're the one I love best.
I look in your eyes,
And note your surprise
At the joy to be found in incest.
--- John Miller

I've traveled to East and to West
And found you're the one I love best.
I look in your eyes,
So big, brown, and wise,
As you chew your cud -- I'm so blessed!
--- John Miller

A soapmaker had followed his dad
Into business, which hadn't been bad.
Soaps plain and soaps scented
From a warehouse they rented;
They export from Rome to Baghdad.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

When I'm lost in an area new,
I always find somebody who,
Gives directions explicit,
That end, "You can't miss it,"
But the fact is I can and I do.
--- Thomas L Hirsch P9208

My eldest is gone with her brood.
The five of them yesterday moved.
I've been dancing with glee;
No more mess, don't you see?
No more toys will I find 'bout me strewed.
--- Anon

See, I've got my two youngest well trained,
But with grandchildren here, chaos reigned.
I guess I should feel sad.
Nah... I'd rather be glad.
It's been nearly four months we've restrained.
--- Anon

On their camping excursions, the Merrils
Often thought of the pioneers' perils.
There was small pox, wild bears,
Frequent Indian scares,
But they didn't encounter orange barrels.

(orange barrels used in highway construction in America)
--- A N Wilkins P8709

I'm spending my time out of town,
In scenery all sere and brown.
With people as bland
As this barren land,
Not being at home gets me down!
--- Anon

Most tourists lay plans for much fun
In the warmth of the tropical sun,
But too much exposure
Brings premature closure
When they, not their plans, are well done.
--- Norm Storer

We were the first night sans casino.
We drove through the desert to Reno.
It's harsh and it's hot;
Lush country, it's not.
We'd not even stop to play Keno.
--- Marlene

She'd feed the slots quarters all day;
To leave we were willing to pay!
We don't want to gamble;
We're ready to ramble.
We will have to drag her away!
--- Marlene

We're riding in Jack's Dodge Ram van;
It's like being kept in a can.
There's seven of us;
If one makes a fuss,
We know he's become a madman.
--- Marlene

We drove up the Tioga Pass;
Saw slick rock which glistened like glass.
Such a breathtaking view;
I'd have enjoyed it too,
But my stomach revolted, alas!
--- Marlene

An old man was standing near nude,
Hoping he was the sight that was viewed.
By wearing his speedo,
He pumped his libido.
In fact, he was simply quite lewd.
--- Marlene

Death Valley it's called for good reason.
No matter the time or the season,
It's hot and it's sere.
There's sweaty folk here.
A rainstorm's when somebody's sneezin'.

(sere - withered, dry)
--- Marlene

We toasted, we baked, and we broiled,
As over the summit we toiled.
Turned off the AC;
(The sweat did run free!)
If we hadn't, the van would have boiled.
--- Marlene

I wonder what you'd have to say
'Bout driving the desert all day.
We're hot and we stink;
We need more to drink.
We should have gone north for to play.
--- Marlene


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