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Prestidigitation There was a Fair Lady in Spain In limericks, be careful of "read" Recapitulation An Indiana Lad named 1909 (MCMIX) (the first Roman Numeral limerick)
From there he was sent to Fort 149 (CIL = SILL) (the second Roman Numeral limerick)
A lady's iambic pentameter (scansion - analysis of rhythmic character in poetry)
Where there's a will there's a way, Said the man, "It is perfectly clear As the bistro boss bellowed and bitched, The boss in a grave exhortation Lexicographers down on Cape Verde There was an old man of Cape Verde There's a new word I see, but can't suss. Said a cool little miss from Schenectady, (murrein - animal plague, synechdoche - a part equals all)
There's a new phrase I wish would go dance; As for our Constitution, we see -- Tintinabulation Outside of a dog, if you look, Words both obtuse and obscure Bats BORN in a BARN sadly cried, (Words in caps vary from the next one by only one letter!)
Can David slay the Philistine? An abbess that old Chaucer knew, There was and old Abbot of Khief, (And an ivory ass, A faith surpassing belief!)
When a lusty old Abbess from Leeds, At the Abbey, a monk name of Wells The Abbott of ancient St. Pfisters, In the middle of singing a psalm, At the Abbey, the Cardinal knocked A Jewish-born monk, Solly Sabbat, There was an adulterous Abbot, For the nun, Bishop Cox was a sucker-- "A Vision Miraculous! Look!! The Abbot was less than contrite Her brother, you see, was the abbot And should a novitiate nun Sister Josephine stripped off her habit Brother Borr said, "Indulgence and fun "When I see a monk's ass, I just grab it", Young Brother Ignatius the Gracious In the HALCYON days of my youth, There was an old Abbess quite shocked, There once was an Abbot of Brittany Sweet strains of a Latin motet In Bingen I'm a regular guest; The abbott, IRASCIBLE cuss, Here lies the Abbot O'Finnigan; And buried next door in his cell "In a monastery", cried Friar Tuck, The abbot was mad as could be Said the Abbot, "I'm not pleased one bit, There was an elderly abbot, A novice was told by the Abbot: There was an old Abbot of Binham, "All women are vile!" warned the Abbot, The Abbess of C.S.M.V. (C.S.M.V. = ??)
There once was an amorous abbot, Whenever the Abbot craves fun, An abbey once stood, Benedictine. The mad monk makes young nuns or two; There was a chaste brother called Haartz Attempting to stop his wet dreams, So grimly the Abbot said, "Look. There was an Archbishop of Rheims, (Published 1879)
If you meet the Archbishop of York, The verdict on Archbishop Jabez:
Is mostly demonstration
Of cutie pies
With sleepy eyes
In supine elevation.
--- William K Alsop P8910
Who constantly sang about rain;
'Twas no mental affliction,
She just polished her diction
Forecasting the rain on Spain's Plain.
--- Evelyn Bogen P9405
To pronounce is as "lead" or as "lead".
For not till the end
Will you find out, my friend,
The the word rhymes with "seed" not with "said".
--- Fredric Cohen P8305
Is the tedious summation
Of every word
That one has heard
Before the peroration.
--- William K Alsop P8910
Was drafted from the town of French 59. (LIX)
He got an ache in his 1499-- (MID)
Section, he 999 (DID)
Because he was sent to Ft. 509. (DIX)
--- Ed Wolfert P8203
The home of that famous gin 1049 (MIL = MILL)
Having lifted the 449 (LID)
His libidinous 499 (ID)
Wreaked havoc on 1001 1001 and 99. (MIMI and LIL)
--- Arthur Deex P8203
Is thirty-two inches in diameter.
The breadth of her scansion
Is due to expansion
In the pants of a critical amateur.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
But Rome wasn't built in a day.
So let us all wait,
Just procrastinate,
And while the sun's shining make hay.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
That you haven't the slightest idea
Of what nonsense you spout,
For there isn't a doubt,
It is bilge, undiluted and sheer."
--- Anon
Saying six Swiss chefs shifts should be switched,
Each chef got so miffed,
At the shift of his shift,
Food flew fast in a feud fever-pitched.
--- Anon
To the Bureau of Simplification
Of its government prose,
Resolved to propose
To do it: ESCHEW OBFUSCATION.
--- A N Wilkins P9308a
Remained on the trail of "surd".
It's voiceless as stew.
Irrational, too!
This obsolete, meaningless word.
--- Larry Davis P9302
Who looked up the meaning of "surd".
He found there were eight,
With half out of date.
Small wonder that one was "unheard"!
--- Larry Davis P9302
Does one say it like puss, or like fuss?
Tell me, what does "wuss" mean?
Is it dirty or clean?
Is it nasty or nice or a cuss?
--- Paul Hoffman
"A murrein on words like synechdoche.
Let some master of arts
Play with wholes and with parts,
As for me, I prefer hysterectomy."
--- Conrad Aiken
I would ban it, given the chance.
So if you ask a favor,
Be a gratitude saver,
Don't bug me with "thanks in advance"!
--- Prof M-G T9710
For the founders who wrote it agree --
That there was a big scramble
About the Preamble:
"Should it be 'Us the people' or 'We?'"
--- A N Wilkins P8811
Is the musical vibration
Of little bells
And cockle shells
In cheerful agitation.
--- William K Alsop P8910
A man's best friend is a book.
The rest of the time
Inside a canine,
It's too dark to read anyhow.
--- Arthur Deex P8305
I'll use since that's part of the lure
Of true obfuscation;
Why I'm first in the nation.
I've words of which Webster's not sure.
--- A N Wilkins P8604
"Though DARN it, we DART side to side,
Getting DIRT on our snout;
There are no gnats about
For the DIET we need." So they DIED.
--- Willard E Espy
Can Gable play a stairway scene?
Can George, the Delaware?
Can Nude descend a stair?
Can poets write a verse pristine?
--- Irving Superior P8811
Had in INIMICAL view,
Of all men on earth.
She'd not share her berth,
Except with a young nun or two.
--- Chris Papa
Who thought the Impenitent Thief,
Had bollocks of brass,
And an amethyst ass.
He died in this awful belief.
--- Norman Douglas L0551
Was discovered one day, in the weeds
Fondling a young nun,
She said, "Christ! This is fun!
Far better than fingering beads!"
--- L0555
Studied hard to advance from the cells.
After learning the ropes,
He was filled with high hopes,
But they gave him a job tolling bells.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-3021
Had vigorous sex with the sisters,
Till the Abbess detected
His sport, and objected
By coating his backside with blisters.
--- Jemstone P2006
Brother Michael turned on all his charm.
He shook his wild locks,
Removed both his socks,
And set off the fire alarm.
--- Bill Wall
And the Mother Superior was shocked.
She had cause to suspect
When he came to inspect
The room where the candles were locked.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2988
Objected to many a habit,
So he put shards of glass
With great care, up his ass,
And thus circumsized many an abbot.
--- David A Brooks
As randy as any old rabbit;
He'd even been known
(Indeed, he was prone)
With neighboring nuns to cohabit.
--- Harold C Bibby
He proposed she suck him and he'd suck her.
Said the abbess, "He'll mourn
This affair before morn."
And she offered to come to Cox' succor.
--- Phil Cannibal P9201
Its Our Shepherd a-holding his crook!"
"If you're wrong, Sister Maude,
We should pray to the Lord.
It's an Abbot who's desperate to fook."
--- Anon
This is file twm
When told of the clergyman's plight.
He said, when he heard,
"It sounds so absurd,
'Cause everyone knows I'm airtight!"
--- Anon
Who (as was his wont and his habit)
Had droit de seigneur
In the Convent Honfleur,
Humping every new nun like a rabbit.
--- Anon
Think him vile with his habit undone,
And resist his advances
He'd call Brother Francis,
Who'd carry her off to Verdun.
--- Anon
And made frantic love to the abbot.
Then, pausing for breath,
Cried, "A fate worse than death,
Is to die without once having had it!"
--- Michael Horgan
I eschew," but cloaked truth in pun.
"I am sober, and choose
To abstain from all booze.
As for pleasures of sex, I have nun."
--- William N Nesbit P9708 a
Said a lazily amorous abbot.
"Though it's vastly more fun,
To make love to a nun,
It's so hard to get into the habit.
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Kept harems of Asians curvaceous.
The Abbot would visit
For humpings illicit,
Remarking "Good Geishas, Ignatius."
--- Peter Wilkins
An Abbot said I was uncouth
When he found me drunk
With three nuns and a monk
In the Priory's telephone booth.
--- Chris Papa
To find nuns where the candles were locked.
Said the Abbess, "You nuns,
Should behave more like guns,
And never go off 'till you're cocked."
--- L0562
Who chanted this desolate litany:
"If Christ is the source
Of divine intercourse,
Then how come I don't ever get any."
--- Keith H Peterson a
Will make many nuns very wet.
The chants they were singin'
In Hildegard's Bingen
Turned abbeys to brothels, I'll bet.
--- Randog
The abbey's a well known love nest.
And Sis Hildegard
Blows all tools rockhard,
For the sisters to start a fuck-fest.
--- Dirruk
Annoyed at the novices' fuss,
Would sigh to his beads,
And exhale, "Who needs
That brothers must behave as thus."
--- Chris Papa
Never, alas, will he sin again;
Stiff with the rigor
But lacking the vigour
For sticking it anywhere in again.
--- Anon
Lies a nun by the name of Michelle;
With her thighs all akimbo
In permanent limbo,
Just waiting to meet him in hell.
--- Anon
"Lewd brothers are pushing their luck;
So are lecherous Abbots
With unwholesome habits --
There's a Monkhouse for that sort of muck!"
--- Bob Monkhouse
At monks who would let robes swing free,
And their butts expose,
While thumbing their nose;
Defiant act LESE MAJESTE.
--- Chris Papa
Brother Ambrose, that you should submit
Your signed IOU
In lieu of a ewe --
I just won't accept that sheep chit."
--- Arthur Deex P9511
Who wore a moth-eaten habit.
When asked: "Why do you wear
A robe that's threadbare?"
"If I could get a new one, I'd grab it."
--- William K Alsop Jr
"Consider the goat and the rabbit.
While they roll in the hay,
You just stay home and pray.
You've got to get out of the habit.
--- P Chernoff
Who enticed all the girls and got in 'em.
On the floor of the Abbey
Until they were flabby,
For hour upon hour he would pin 'em.
--- Anon
"And wanking's a terrible habit.
But that is disgustin',
Dear Brother Augustine,
And no way to treat a poor rabbit."
--- Peter Wilkins
Feeling wanton as wantin' could be,
Took a priest to her bed.
Though his organ seemed dead --
The res-erection was wondrous to see!
--- Bill Loring P9001
Who longed to get into the habit
Of a virginal nun,
Whom he scragged on the run.
(They've injected her pee in a rabbit.)
--- Ray A Billington P9309
He summons the same willing one:
A hot-panties sister
Who makes his dong blister!
She is known as his sine qua nun!
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Wherein lived young Katie, just sixteen.
It wasn't much fun;
Her pleasures were nun.
And desperate, she thought about strychnine.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Compiling coarse sins quite a few.
His Abbot got tough
And said, "That's enough!
Here's your airfare to TIMBUKTO!"
--- Chris Papa
Who once warned, "Any bugger who starts
To approach me for sex, will
Be risking their necks till
The abbot's grown tired of my parts.
--- David A Brooks
Brother Francis has tried many schemes
Using bells and a whistle
Attached to his gristle,
But still finds he frequently creams.
--- Peter Wilkins
Onanism's a sin in my book.
Inadvertent or not,
Tie your dick in a knot,
Or start sleeping with Annie the cook."
--- Peter Wilkins
Who played with himself in his dreams.
On his nightshirt in front,
He painted a cunt,
Which made his cock gush forth in streams.
--- L1329
For God's sake, don't offer him pork.
Well, it is sort of true-ish;
He's just a bit Jewish.
Rabbi Blue told me -- he's one to talk.
--- Kevin Hale Q
"He's worse than a bad case of rabies;
He's pervaded with sin --
Why the things he's been in,
From buggering 'teens to mere babies!"
--- Armand Singer P0207
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