John is not quick, is not nimble, A girl who was dating young Beedle, My penis, dear girl, is so small; A smarmy young fellow, a Yank, I know of a whiz kid named Dole There was an old man of Connaught, There was a young fellow named Paul, And now we have the man named Shrimp? "Dear! It's my semiannual erection!" There was a poor devil named Hess, While these three stood fingering their dicker, At the sight of a pair of nice thighs, A gas station attendant named Myers My Charlie knows all of the angles In a harem, a dwarf name of Quidgid Bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang, (epizeuxis)
When younger my stout middle digit, At many of life's weary junctions, "The trouble with me," poor old Jack said, When the techniques of love he had mastered, By hand, an old fellow named Fred, Said the beautiful, bountiful Venus One cold day with no scarf, Mr. Flitches, There was an old fellow from Wooster A playboy whose name we won't mention There was a young fellow named Dave A limp-membered hopeful named Fenner As a hapless fat babe I began, An impotent husband named Stoner There was a young man from Kilgore, Sometimes I just look at my shlong, A sexagenarian colonel, Great jumping Julius Caesar!
This is file trl
I think that the fool in the garden, There was a poor devil named Sam, A voyeur from Cranbrook, B.C., (RCM - Royal Canadian Mounted Police?)
If you don't have 'nuff lead in your pencil, Said Lady Desiree LeBlanc, A man in his nineties named Baker An impotent fellow named Pete, (Treet - SPAM competitor)
All evening the girl of young Trevor Our playboy this month is well-dressed, An old New York Met named Tom Seaver, So you've never failed to impale? A woman once said: "What the heck!" to me. There once was a fellow named Skakel Said retired Colonel Lingus, "The sap There was an old man from Thermopylae There was a young draftsman named Lee, (6H - grade of hardness in pencils, 3B is soft)
Another year's flashed by so fast; Just consider the fate of the sheep At the Vatican Hilton, Miss Chard A watchmaker's wife from Limerick When a young wife, much more than endowed, There was a young lady from Brent, In anger, he threw the jar out, Sex is the ONLY, so swive it. About sex you should not give up hope. With his trophy, he's found he can't cope. There was a young fellow named Ned, A hopeful old man of Knob Noster (MO) A man who hates summer is Partch; A flaccid young fellow called Smith, A polygamous Tunisian Bey, There once was a gouty old colonel, (tiffin - lunch, midday meal)
But you might be like young Mr. Dillow, Said a post-Civil War belle named Gwen:
His little dick fits in a thimble.
This being so true,
If only you knew,
You'd laugh 'til your body would trimble.
--- Jill
Said his pecker was not fit to tweedle.
But he gave her some credit
When she showed she could thread it
Through the eye of a large darning needle.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 P8301
It's the size of an atom, that's all.
But an atom's main mission
Is fusion and fission,
And BANG! I shall leave you in thrall.
--- Peter Wilkins
Was built like a well-armoured tank.
But the girls had a shock,
At his miniscule cock,
Which he had to use tweezers to wank.
--- Anon
Who won a free trip to Wood's Hole.
Asked the smallest thing ever,
He replied, being clever,
"The dink on a newly born vole."
--- Armand E Singer 418
Whose prick was remarkably short.
When he got into bed,
The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick, it's a wart!"
--- L0144
Whose prick was exceedingly small.
When in bed with a lay,
He could screw her all day,
Without touching the vaginal wall.
--- Isaac Asimov
Small in stature, but big as a blimp.
Every woman he dated,
To her friends she berated
Him because his prick was so limp.
--- Toolman
A claim subject to spousal correction.
She said, "Honey, that's keen,
But I think what you mean
Is your annual semierection."
--- William N Nesbit P9605
Whose parts were a godawful mess;
His balls were rhomboidal,
His scrotum fungoidal --
His penis would rarely turgesce.
--- Armand E Singer 272
They argued, beginning to bicker.
An old guy came in
When his piss did begin,
He barely got his lights to flicker.
--- Anon
Old Faithful again tried to rise.
But night after night
Of sexual delight,
And it now begs for mercy -- (sighs).
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay
Puts in gas, water, oil, blows up tires.
But when broads demand service,
Myers get so damn nervous...
His protuberance promptly expires.
--- Grand Prix Lim 147
His best fishing rod -- well, it dangles,
Above fishing holes.
He frequently trolls,
And counts all the fish he entangles.
--- Anon
Was requested to show himself rigid.
But, the vassal though massive
Had a tassle so passive
That the midget's poor digit was frigid.
--- Hugh Clary
O hark to the hymn of the whang!
Though the tune is familiar,
It gets a bit sillier
When the whang will do nothing but hang.
--- Norm Storer P9603
Could piss the hat off of a midget.
But ages do pass,
And now it's a flacc-
-id dribbly wizened old widget.
--- Anon
I've felt very moved by those unctions
That stirred deep inside,
To drop all false pride,
As well as what drops when I functions.
--- Anon
"Is that though my mustache has been wax-ed,
And I've gook on my hair,
And I'm devil-may-care,
The fact is, my penis is flaccid."
--- Isaac Asimov
My buddy got thoroughly plastered.
One would think in that state
He'd be nothing but great,
But he wasn't (the flaccid old bastard).
--- Norm Storer
Tried hard to erect it in bed.
Said his wife to the fink,
"I do not really think
You should flog an old horse that is dead."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0452
To a youth with a too-softened penis:
"You must stiffen your dingus,
Or else cunnilingus,
Or all will be over between us."
--- G0919V
Said, "My neck got so stiff that my bitch is,
I can't even bend it."
His wife said, "That's splendid,
Now try going out with no britches."
--- Bob Giandomenico P9307
Who couldn't get it up like he uster.
His date called him a wimp,
'Cause his organ was limp,
So he lifted her nightie and goosed her.
--- Jim Menger P9204
Had a transplant to lower his tension.
He bathed in a Jacuzzi
While served by black pussy,
And hoped his penis would snap to attention.
--- G2425
Whose demeanor was icy and grave.
He claimed such great effort
To keep his cock inert,
Was why this expression he gave.
--- G2684
Told the babe, "I will bet you a tenner
I can still get it stiff!"
She relied with a sniff,
"You're just an old iffer and whenner!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 195
And grew, as the years swiftly ran,
To a tower of strength.
No I'm finding at length
I'm an impotent feeble old man.
--- Laurence Perrine P8509
Pulled something I'd call a real boner;
When his wife wanted kids,
He requested sealed bids,
To get the best price for a loaner.
--- Armand E Singer 498
Who wasted his life on a whore.
To get an erection,
He took an injection,
And shot out his wad on the floor.
--- L1695
And think of the lovers it's wronged.
It no longer inspires
Any selfish desires;
It just hangs there and sings its sad song.
--- Anon
Considered himself ever-vernal.
It was thought, though, his prick
Was as soft as a wick,
And lifeless, except in a urinal.
--- Anon
She said I should kiss her and squeeze her.
He said, "It gives me pain,
But I must refrain.
My pecker is that of a geezer."
--- Al Willis P9708
Whose implement failed to get hard, 'n
Who dissed the homeowner
For lack of his boner.
Might well have been 'roused by Miss Arden.
--- Anon
Whose privates weren't worth a goddamn.
The parts that were visible
Were only quite risible;
The rest they were mostly a sham.
--- Armand E Singer 151
Had the strangest perversion, oui, oui;
He got all his kicks
Out of pendulous pricks,
While watching the RCM pee.
--- Hugh Oliver 98c
You can make your tool damn near prehensile;
There are pills for E.D;
If your prob's P.U.D,
Folk-lore remedies may be more sensible.
--- Anon
On winning a game of petanque,
"If only your tool
Were as hard as these boules,
I'd be happy to give you a bonk."
--- Anon
Had an impotent style baby-maker.
To fulfill his need
And increase its speed,
He rubbed the tip on his pacemaker.
--- Tom Patton P9902
Was cursed with recalcitrant meat.
He said, "That's the breaks.
Other guys have tube steaks;
I have to get by with tube Treet.
--- Bob Roberds
Rejected his every endeavor.
She made up with her lover,
But was sad to discover
That erections do not last forever.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0328
His Jaguar just matches his vest.
He has sexy conceits
And a pantsfull of pleats,
But his penis is not of the best.
--- G2548
Was once rendered impotent by fever.
He said with dismay,
"I don't like it this way,
It kills my desire for the beaver!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Now I know you are telling a tale.
You've made poor Pat cry;
Left her high and dry.
Made her a frustrated female.
--- Anon
"You look like a physical wreck to me.
You're a leery old gent,
But please come to my tent,
Though it doesn't look very erect to me."
--- Bill Wall
Whose alibi makes juries cackle:
"To give it a stroke,
I leapt up an oak --
Though today I would need block and tackle."
--- Arthur Deex P0207
Has left the limp tap in my lap...
As I told my friend Suzie
When she offered her schmoozie,
It looks like I'm on my last lap."
--- Grand Prix Lim 962 a
Who could not get good hardons properly.
He wanked and he spanked;
He yanked and he cranked;
But his prick would stand up only floppily.
--- Alexander Baron
Whose pecker hung down to his knee.
He advised every maid
That 6H was the grade,
But they checked and they found it 3B.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0515
My hair, sparse, has a grey caste;
I'm a mad also-ran,
A dirty old man,
And my pecker won't rise 'bove half-mast.
--- Tiddy Ogg
That grimly the abattoir did reap.
Just the loss of the pecker
When compared to the neck, sir:
Turning grey is not bad, and it's cheap.
--- Danube
Had resolved to seduce a Swiss Guard;
But imagine her gloom
When they got to her room,
In that only the mattress was hard.
--- Thomas A Quinine P8406
Was asked what it was that made her tick.
It was strange of her,
But she said, "I prefer
Ten inches of soft and pendulous dick."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Chose a wealthy old codger, a cloud
Hung over their bed,
Because after they'd wed,
He was never more than piss-proud. (only piss hardons)
--- A N Wilkins P8801
When her old man's pecker, it bent,
She said with a sigh,
"Oh, why must it die?
Let's fill it with Portland Cement."
--- L1380
But now he must wonder about
How the heck that they knew
His sex life was through ...
The notice, on top, read "Pour Spout"
--- Anon
Be all you can be, you'll survive it.
There is no escape;
You will be in shape,
Except for the parts that are private.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Try finding things that will help you cope.
But when you are ninety
And wearing a didee
It's like playing pool games with a rope.
--- Tom Patton
Now Viagra's his very last hope.
"Lord knows I have tried,
But I'm too old," he cried.
"It's like shooting pool with a rope!"
--- David Martin
Who'd invent comic verses in bed.
In the end the poor simp,
Let his penis grow limp,
And the woman beneath bashed his head.
--- Isaac Asimov
Saw a likely farm lass and he tossed her;
But to his dismay,
He could rise just halfway,
So she threw him aside, the imposter.
--- Allan Ottley P8805
He wants to have sex like in March.
So he takes ice-cold showers,
Sprays on Eau de Fresh Flowers,
And soaks his limp organ in starch.
--- Armand E Singer 927
Spent February wondering if
He spent all of March
With his dick soaked in starch,
So in April, it might get more stiff.
--- Graham
To his seventh wife murmured one day,
"I can take three or four,
And then one or two more...
But you have it soft, as they say."
--- Marc Davidson a
Who grew glum when the weather turned vernal.
So he cried in his tiffin,
His prick wouldn't stiffen,
And the size of the thing was infernal.
--- L0021
Who once bragged with his head on my pillow,
That his prick was like oak.
But he lied, the young bloke,
'Cause it sure looked to me more like willow.
--- Anon
"In defeat, Johhny Rebs lost their yen
To impale Dixie tail,
Since impalers would fail,
But the South, suh, is rising again!"
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner